Finding My Own Path 🌳 (Fellow travelers welcome)

I got a badge today for working on the trauma path. I used my listening skills to have a conversation with my husband about something that comes between us often and it really helped us both. I took a big step the other day before I went to bed to commit to moving forward on this new healthier path. I've been strong during all of this from the first moment I fell during that last PTSD episode up till now, and still now.

There is a lot for me to be proud about, and happy over, and I am those things. I am also... very very sad and very very anxious. I wish... I wish I knew what to wish for. I am strong, incessantly, and unfairly strong, so wishing to be stronger, I don't think that would help much.

If wishes were horses beggars would ride...

Wishing is great when I'm cleaning the leftover chicken for dumplings the nest day and can't be bothered to throw out an unbroken wishbone, but I don't know how I feel about them in general. Today was my father's birthday and it went great. I got to seem him smile which was pretty awesome. He has been through so much, I hope my sister called him. Surely she did.

My grandmother said something very... oddly not like her the other day. She's always unintentionally saying things that invalidate my experiences or feelings. I let it slide and try to limit those topics because she doesn't mean to and I know she loves me in her own way. But yesterday we were talking about my sister, and I finally said. "I just don't think I can be anywhere near him, and I don't think I want to be anywhere near her unless she realizes what she has done, either," I told her I had tried so hard, but that this last overstep of hers and his... it had just been too much. It had not just hurt my feelings, it brought back my PTSD and now I was sitting here looking at disability.

And I expected a dismissal as soon as I said it. I expected her to jump in and tell me my sister was just going through things, and we'd be alright.. and lowkey put me down while propping her up. But this time she startled me. She just said. "She's going through something right now, and she'll figure it out. I have faith she'll break free of that husband of hers" (she's convinced he's the issue) But you know, I don't talk to one of my sisters and one of my brothers.

She told me how they had been not very nice to her and so when her parents passed she simply told them she didn't like them very much, if they ever needed her she would help them out but otherwise not to contact her she was done.

It was very strange to hear this from her of all people... And right now upset as I am I am suddenly thinking over it... I think that's the most supportive she's ever been.

-Crow

Today was supposed to be a day to recharge, it didn't really go that way o.o I couldn't sleep until late, didn't wake up till 7pm, and then woke up to someone here who needed support. They left around midnight, and I downloaded an MMO to play with the hubby. Which is great but today was supposed to be a cuddle and everyone else fuck off day because I really needed some horror movies and chill. Popcorn, chocolate, more chill, and maybe some cuddles, anime, the occasional doggo hug, That's what I really needed to recharge. I've needed it for weeks now :(

It's really alright, I'm just frizzled. I am glad the person a family friend felt like they could come over here. I am glad my sister sent my father a birthday gift even if she ditched him for father's day... I don't think she intends to be a dick... but she takes after our aunt more than she realizes...

I just hope they can repair their relationship but I feel like she's going to have to realize there's even a problem before that can happen. Anyway enough about that.

I am super stressed. Need to recharge... but today was still an alright day. Going to go to bed early.

-Crow

Can't sleep... Had a terrible experience with a family friend today. Lots to really let out but as it's 12 pm and I need sleep... I can't sleep... I should try to sleep... I am going to try to sleep...

Eh... I should try to sleep... Ugh... I am going to do the thing as soon as I am finished here.

I feel numb like time has stopped... and the world is spinning while I remain still.

-Crow

A short post, because it's hard to breathe at the moment.

I have been a little under the weather all over. I finally got introduced to my therapy person today, it was odd but not awful though I had an anxiety attack beforehand and all they did was reach out it wasn't even a formal sit down. (still not sure how that works but a day at a time)

I have been trying to incorporate more relaxing things into my life (Re-joined a game, and so on) I ordered a new phone! It's refurbished but that's sort of a big deal for me because it took forever to be convinced I needed a cell phone and I bought the cheapest 20 or 30 dollar smartphone they had and didn't use it much. One thing I was excited about was having a camera all the time, but it turns out if you buy a cheap-ass smartphone you might as well not have a camera at all.

The hubby has been trying to get me to upgrade for a while but I refused. It works dagnabit... I would say, and he would be like "Yes baby, but you want to take pictures" And I'd grumble something, and he'd laugh at me, and I'd tell him eventually I'd get around to it, then remind him the next week when he brought it up that "No one calls me anyway" As though that had anything to do with pictures. XD haha

Anyway, I finally got around to it and since I found a nice refurbished thing lauded for its camera I did the thing. Then I surprised both of us and bought myself some fancy perfume. I love scents but I never do things like that. So it seemed like a good step to try to take.

Other than being a little sick (body weak from stress) I've played FF14 a bit with the hubby and tried to pull other people into it. XD I want to start Chinese brush painting I have the stuff to do it, but have not yet begun. I need to catch up on some reading, and get a schedule but... One thing at a time... if I take on too much it will just topple down around me, and I am already running on pretty low fumes...

Oh, there was a trigger with my father's girlfriend last Sunday... but I will get into that another time. I hope everyone is well. I have so much social to catch up on!

-Crow

I had a breakdown when I needed to respond to my therapist... because of course, I did.

All he wanted was a rundown on my situation. I just thought... You have no idea what you are asking...

A rundown is... an insane ask without knowing anything about me.

I suspect it's not... but I feel so tired. I did my best when I collected myself, but I wrote it down instead of being able to speak because I just couldn't.

I feel like there should be some sort of different protocol for introducing yourselves when it comes to severely traumatized patients. =-= It isn't one or two things doc... If I was able to give you a clear answer I wouldn't be so disabled now would I?

...eh

-Crow

It feels like I am having a miniature heart attack.

But when I still myself and listen to the silence I can feel it

It's been a minute, I have not ran away. I've just been conserving energy.

Lately, I've been getting adjusted to a new everything. I've been gaming with people so there is that. But most disruptive but also healthy I've been getting into a therapy routine. My therapist has us interacting a little each day. And also dealing with my Dr. Situation.

I have a new Dr, I spent 2 hours on the phone with her the other day. She added medication and has me adjusting when I'll be taking them.

I got a new phone, I got a new lot of things, I got a new sleep schedule, a new hobby schedule, a new therapy schedule, a new friend schedule,... I need a new family schedule.. a new writing schedule, a new here schedule. =-=

So I've been busy trying to make space for everything in my life. But I will share something here that I won't anywhere else because I don't want the pressure of it.

I may try publishing soon. I may be ready to give it a shot.. or at least consider giving it a shot. I am beginning to feel as if I can trust in a future again, I can begin to trust in my self-worth..

-Crow

There is something in my heartbreaking.
I don't know if it's the medication change. (adjusting)
The therapist (Stepping it all up)
The fog of the medication change or dissociation.
DID itself.
Trauma triggers all around me.
The shit with my sister.
The stuff with the little traumatized girl.

But... I feel as though I am Alice falling down the long black hole with random pieces of myself all around me and all the others in my head occasionally here or there.

Who am I? What the heck is even going on?
We don't know? I don't know?

-Probably Crow

TW (Maybe? No idea. Probably though)

I am tired.

How many times do I plan to start an entry with those words? I guess as many times as needed I should really come up with something much more clever. The meds are hitting, and life is going as it should. I have people to respond to and I cant always feel my face. Also Switching.

I got bitched at the other day because I dont support Marxism. Legit the person didnt even ask why just got pissed about a comment I made about not wanting to buy a product. Im too fucking messed up for my political leanings to be another thing for people to take jabs at. I dont care anymore, burn the whole place down.

I mean it. Ill light the match, just finish pouring out all your gasoline because Im too tired to light a match twice.

Im so fucking over it. Im fucking over people and their high and mighty beliefs they dont even understand. Im over the judgment of this or that, Im over the people assuming Im an ally or a hater. Im over being called a Fem Nazi, Over being called racist.

Im over people who dont answer me, or make an effort to reach out. Im over people who make my issues all about them, or theirs all about me. Im over people who hurt others for no other reason than they feel like shit. Im over people who feel guilty and feel the solution isnt to do anything about that but instead to pick out and find people guiltier than them so they can feel better.

Heres a pro tip, maybe whatever you feel like shit about isnt even about you. Maybe you should water that garden.

Im over not having anything to say, Im over having shit to say and not saying in.

Im over feeling the need for you or anyone else to understand me.

Im a goddamn lit match, mishandle me and watch that kindling you think is shelter explode and eat you alive.

I am tired of mental illness, tired of trying to figure out who I am. Tired of trying to figure out what day it is.

I dont care anymore. I kinda want to see you succeed. I kinda want to watch you burn it all down in the name of something better. I kinda want to see your face when it all is smoke and ashes and were sitting bathing in the sun of starvation, admiring our chains.

I kinda want to laugh. Laugh so hard my throat bleeds at your idiocy. Your ignorance has surpassed annoyance or irritation and is now something you wear as a fashion accessory. You polish it like a participation trophy that makes you immune from looking at your own flaws. You think its brilliant shine will deflect from the blood on your hands.

I kinda want to see it fall, slick with all that blood. Shatter as it makes a brilliant sound, see you scrap at all its pieces, and finding your reflection in each piece.

I kinda want you to succeed. I dont care, I have my own shit to handle, and its enough.

I am tired of not being enough, tired of you thinking black is white, white is black, and dirt is sky.

Fuck it, let the graveyards be playgrounds for the immortal age. Let us all join the immortal age and the flavor text of our headstones will say They were more wrong than I was

-Probably Crow

I started writing the first chapter of my book. No idea if I will do anything with it. The description is a pretty plain one.

A journal like experience of Dissociative Identity Disorder, and C-PTSD. Where time blurs, jumps, dances, and reality does backflips. A collection of poetry, notes, journal entries, and letters of a single mind containing more than one identity.

I scribbled out some memory I hadn't thought about in forever about nearly drowning as a child and being saved by my sociopathic cousin/adopted brother at the time. He watched me drown for a bit before deciding to save me. It's really not high on the trauma scale,and I'm not sure why I even remember it except I did nearly die (though there is a lot of those I don't often remember) I think it has more to do with him watching me drown for a bit before deciding to save me. He was right there and only had to reach out but the look on his face of consideration was so plain and curious and devoid of actual caring. My brain registered it and tucked it away as though if I survived remembering it was important.

Too bad I never really used it as an excuse to examine him further at least not that I recall. I saw a picture of him today with a little girl who is technically my God Child (I've never met her) despite being named God Mother (weird story there) anyway I suppose that's why he is on my mind.

I wrote an entry for my therapist about my rapid cycling lately. No idea what to do or write... or even if I am doing anything I should be...

-Crow