Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

I have so many things I want to write about today. Many thoughts and things reflected on over the last few days.

1. I've found out through my Psychiatrist and Psychologist that they believe my self - doubt and lack of confidence is bordering on being pathological. I didn't discuss this further as I feel like my Psychologist knows me better than my Psychiatrist due to regular meetings and the context of what we discuss. I completely know that this is probably my biggest issue impeding me at the moment and that it seems to have gotten worse and worse over the last 9? years or so - and probably even more so in the last couple of years even though I know that this is something I can be working on and am. I suppose I also have an idea of why it is actually like this based on external factors but feel like it it's going to be a difficult and long thing to overcome.

I came to the realization yesterday that I often seek support from my mom and dad whn I'm feeling anxious or stressed out about things. My dad will give me advice straight up, as in tell me to do something. I may tell him why that won't work for me or I don't think is a good idea and he basically just shuts me down and abruptly ends conversations, keeps ranting on and on as though he ignores everything I've just said to him. My dad is also very dismissive of my mental health Dx of ADHD and PTSD. I also feel as though he has almost never stood up for me when some very awful things happened to me and I wish he had done something. He has always said we have to live with the consequences of our choices and decisions and I ended up feeling like I was to blame when things happened to me and this was why he never did anything. I end up feeling dismissed, not listened to, unheard and as though he will only talk to me or support me if I do what he says. My mom is somewhat more supportive but will always be throwing suggestions at me that are basic, like I don't know anything or I'm not capable. She is also a very emotionally reactive person and acts out based on emotion often which is not helpful when I'm feeling anxious internally. I need someone around for support who is a calming energy - but she feels the need to accompany me to things that are high stress ie. court hearings, but ends up making it much worse because she wants to speak out in emotional ways. She also does not think very rationally sometimes and thinks based much more on emotions. My parents have at times told me what i was doing was going to ruin my kids lives (leaving my ex husband) and at that time didn't speak to me for months following. Their support has always felt conditional and very judgmental.

*Trigger Warning*

I have thought a lot more about my relationship of 3 years ending. I have gained a lot of lessons and growth from this relationship and have no hard feelings. We spoke via messenger yesterday and I feel compelled to write him a long sort of closure letter. I realized there was a point in our relationship where we were no longer equals. I started to recognize that something was off and due to my profession pathologized it and suspected it was due to his previous head injury that had never been followed up on. I encouraged him to have it investigated to see what could be done as I was emotionally invested already, we were living together and he was very loving and caring. We were not functioning at the same level in life. There was also a big age gap which probably also contributed to this a small bit but I still believe it was mostly the TBI, especially due to the lack of insight, impulsivity, 12 + hrs of sleep/night and emotional dysregulation. A healthy relationship needs to have 2 people who are equals and I started to feel like this was not the case. He is an extremely great man and I do love him but I couldn't provide him with what he needed and he could not provide me with what I needed. It constantly felt like he was just saying whatever he thought would please me (didn't want to add to my stress, wanted to do anything to make me happy) but his actions didn't follow suit by no fault of his own as I know he had every intention. I needed a partner I could rely on and started to feel like I also couldn't emotionally trust his words as I could tell what he was saying was not genuine even though he actually believed it to be. I started to feel this way quite a long time ago but also loved him and kept hoping that he would follow through with getting the support with the brain injury stuff - doing the rehab programs, follow up with his neuropsychiatrist, do the work with the specialized psychologist etc. He would say he wanted to and then would find out it was only because I wanted him to. He would go to counselling but not share anything of substance which led me to think he either didn't really have the motivation to be there, didn't really think the things he was talking about with me at home or I don't know...... so... a year ago after a period of him having panic attacks in response to me becoming more verbal in stating my needs regarding physical intimacy such as that I only wanted to cuddle that night etc. (he internalized this as personal rejection even though we had discussed it was about my trauma), he also began saying that I was doing sexual things in my sleep for about 3 months. I was horrified. Horrified that my daughter could never sleep in my bed. horrified about sleeping in the same room as anyone. As well as confused because my sex drive was low and so I didn't understand. I went and saw my Dr as well as a sleep specialist. There was more things that happened regarding this and a few incidents at the start of this that were actually very upsetting for me as well and I wont go into those in detail. After a few months of this there was an evening where I was laying in bed watching tv with my back to him and he shook my should and said "you're doing it again". Except I had been wide awake and laying completely still. This was when I realized that he had been hallucinating. He had barely been sleeping for months due to being so anxious and internalizing so much stuff. I got him seen ASAP and things subsided in a few weeks. But a month or so later there was another incident after a big dinner party and him drinking too much, as well as feeling very emotional. There was very irrational behavior all night long followed by the hallucinations again (by they were worse this time) accompanied by agitation. I asked him to move out 2 days later explaining that both of our struggles were triggeringing each other and at the time I thought that the only way for us to salvage our relatonship at all would be for us both to concentrate on working on ourselves independantly. Our relationship had struggled majorly ever since. Looking back now, I think that the fact that I had pushed him to be doing things and working on things that he didn't have the insight into / see the need for, created this lack of confidence and anxiety in himself. I know that my intentions were good but I think it was harmful for him at the time. Part of the problem too though is that he wasn'r being hinest or clear with me when we would talk and he would express a desire to do these things but I think it was mostly because I was bringing them up and expressing I thought there was a need or benefit in doing them. he just wanted to do anything I wanted him to. This is the problem when you're not on equal playing fields. I'vbe struggled over and over through the last 2 years with how do you balance not being a caregiver / becoming co-dependant in a relationship vs just holding space for someone when they are struggling. I know there are periods of time when one person goes through things and the other has to pick up the pieces or sometimes one person m ay suffer a loss of some sort but I think that this dynamic between us was different than these scenarios - It came down to us just being on different levels and once I recognize that I should have ended things there. I will have to explore my reasons for this a bit more. All in all I have much love for him and think that us trying for the last year has allowed me maybe to grieve this a bit along the way. I have learned a lot. I do not feel like I have anyting to get over at this point nor does he. But we have also spoken about not being able to be friends for the time being - I Know i would feel hurt to see him with another woman right now and until I know this would be ok it is not the right time to be friends. He feels the same way.

I have recognized that I have had a pattern of problems with my personal boundaries and needs in my life. The empath in me and my gift of compassion for others, along with my ability to see underlying reasons for behaviours coupled with my education has allowed me to put up with behaviours from other people in my personal life that I shouldn't have. I think because I could see the underlying reason or motivation why people were acting a certain way or doing something, made me make excuses for them. Ones that I would never make for myself. I would not even speak up for my needs or wants and this has gone on for so long in my life that I wasn't even aware of what they were any more. I would never allow myself to treat others rudely or lash out because I was struggling. If I did for some reason - I would end up taking responsibility and feel awful for it but this has never been a pattern for me. My needs are just as important as the next person's and if they are clashing then there needs to be a compromise or a parting.

This ability to see why people may be acting a certain way or exhibiting behaviours is a gift in my profession and the downfall around boundaries there is learning where to set boundaries around balance, my own self-care, my role definiton, and accepting that bad things ARE going to happen to people as they have autonomy in their own lives - I cannot stop this. I have to learn to leave work at work and not be bringing it hime and worrying about the clients and patients that I work with within such a flawed system that is failing so many people. I cannot be everything and do everything for everyone I work with.

TRIGGER WARNING

Wow, I've been writing for along time already and i wanted to talk about my phone call to the Police yesterday as well. I spoke to the Police chief in my old hometown yesterday about filing a report about my rape from when I was 15. I chose to speak to him because I dated him when I was 15 and he was a kind man (and still is). He was so unbelievably supportive and informed me about the process and suggested I draft a list of absolutely anyone I may have spoken to back then about what happened for them to contact and question. He also told me something he had been told about me back when we dated by my girlfriend - that she said to take it slow and not put any moves on me as something bad had happened to me. He said we had never discussed what that actually was, but because I had dated him prior to my rape, this now makes me wonder if there is something else in my past that I do not remember now. I want to ask this girlfriend about ti but since the police will be contacting her to question, he advised I shouldn't be speaking about this to anyone so that it does not look like I have prompted anyone in any way. I'm feeling anxious in a way about all of this but also good too.

One other new thing I did this week..... first of all Ill explain to my friends cus Im guessing youll be wondering - I have no intention of pursuing any relationships any time soon. With that being said , my psychologist has encouraged me to casually date and socialize with men - go out to dinner, a movie, do a fun activity. So I challenged myself and asked a man out 2 days ago. I almost puked after! I had met him last year when I purchased my bed (he sold it to me) when the ex and I broke up for a short while , and we had ended up talking super easily and there was some sort of chemistry.

I had to deep breathe and centre myself for 5 minutes prior. Im sure I appeared super awkward through the whole process too lol. But it went positively. Can not believe how sick I felt afterwords though 🤣

update in West's world

I had an amazing weekend with daughter #2 !

Friday night was the big date! I had thought that she wasgoing to have a big episode of anxiety / panic but it didn't happen and she wanted to do my make up for me. So bizaar. She requested for me to keep my ringer on when I left (In case she did get anxiety while I was out) and she called me at 10 as I had said i would be home then and was just waiting for our bill. The date - He was lovely! I had myself so worked up and nervous but the funniest part was....well, I don't know if I mentioned or not, that I had actually met this man last year when the ex and I were on a break, but I had. I had purchased a piece of furniture from him, as did the ex and I previously. So as it goes, I guess he had been trying "to give me signs" that he was interested back then. *face palm* I really am clueless when it comes to "nice" men. I had just thought that he was very friendly, and that there was some kind of weird chemistry between us.. but I thought it was just on my end although my girlfriend who was with me was totally giggling the second we left. So I guess I had NOTHING to be nervous about to begin with! I had a great time, the conversation flowed super easy, 2.5 hours passed in the blink of an eye and we both would like to go out again. Being that he has kids full time as do I pretty much, it's also a good governor on taking time to know someone as neither of us has much free time.

We also had surprise company for a whole day and one of my friends who's a pro boxer from the East Coast showed up unexpectedly. This was nice as my daughter looks up to him and he's worked so hard for the last 5 years to get where he is. I think it's great for her to personally know people who have achieved top levels in sports that she has actually watched herself do the work. We used to go to the same gym together and watched him fight in some of his first fights here when we first moved to the city and now he holds one of the national belt titles. She calls him a celebrity ; ) We spent the afternoon touring the city and walking around the beaches and downtown with the dog.

Yesterday she was on a high and cleaned everything in sight on a whim (including my car). It was like she had turned into another kid overnight even though she is often helpful this was different - it was like she had been inspired or something. Today she left to go camping with her school for 3 days and I'm solo.

Daughter #2's instagram account was open on my smartphone the other evening and I decided to look at her stepmoms page. I found proof of parental Alienation. There was a bunch of vulgar posts in regards to things she wants to do to someone or say to someone that coincide with dates that there were conflicts re: my daughter as well as posts about "parental aliention" and sayings about how it's people trying to have control of the kids etc. These are all clearly visible to my daughter and coincide with events such as her coming home and saying that I "bully" her dad, (even though at my home there has been nothing said to her about any form of communication or anything that has taken place). My Psych has been encouraging me to pursue legal action for Parental Alienation and I have felt like I have nothing concrete to go on but maybe I do now.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I have an appt in the morning with Victim Services to begin the process for filing the report for my rape from when I was 15. They will help and support me with the whole process and all of my dealings with the police. I can also get access to any crisis or fast access counselling at their location at the sexual assault centre in addition to my therapy if needed while I go through this process.

I think I have obtained a work position. They had wanted to put me into a seniors residential facility which would have been pretty much like where @calmlake1999 works I'm guessing. I pretty much freaked out. The reason for this is that it is a completely different branch of my profession than where I've worked. I have been under the impression that my return to work is supposed to be graduated and in a way to reduce the stress of returning. I felt that this would add a whole new learning curve on top of having to orient to a new location. I do not work in Seniors care - I work in mental health and addictions. There is a different primary focus even though there is many overlaps. I am familiar with primarily psychotropic medications and mental health assessments and planning around same. Seniors care would have many more medical medications and other assessments which I am not familiar with as don't use them in my practise and haven't touched since school + massive learning curve. When I spoke to my Psychologist about this, I felt like she was dismissing my concern and chalking it up to my "lack of confidence". I feel like this is a SUPER valid concern. @calmlake1999, maybe you can comment on this? I'm having a hard time figuring out if I'm being realistic or just doubting myself too much? My Psychologist does not have a good understanding of what the different types of nurses do in their job roles either - she thought I wouldn't have to administer meds and that someone else does that. I also had to explain to her that we are required to do our 10 rights of medication administration and if I am doing meds for 30 people and am not familiar with 80/90% of the meds - I do not have time to be looking them all up.... I don't know maybe I am being over anxious but I don't think so. Anyways, I found another position (the day after they told me they wanted to put me in seniors care) available in Psychiatry, but the hours aren't great. There's no nights (which I CAN'T do at all), but there are evenings so I AM stressed about how to juggle that with my daughter after working days only for a year and a half, and then having the last year and a half off. I'm going to have to figure out pick up from dance across the city as well as child care (if you call it that with a 13 year old) until 11:30 PM at night. I'm pretty sure I can juggle it between the roomates if I flip them some money so I guess money is the actual issue / worry. Dance is going to work out to averaging about $500 / month this year I think, I've budgeted that we need to put away another $300/ month towards their trip to perform at Disneyland in March and then another $200 for childcare ugh. and also having daughter start to do more stuff for herslef such as laundry and packing her own meals, getting her own dinner ready. That sort of feels like making her grow up faster than necessary too : (

Years later still suffering from verbal abuse and emotional abuse and being made the scape goat besides the self-esteem issues based on molestation and sexual abuse.

* TRIGGER WARNING *

today I opened the sexual assault file. I was contacted by an officer over the phone as I was sitting in my car about to go into the mall. He asked if I want to pursue charges or only file a report. I stated I do want to pursue if there is enough to move forward. This officer told me he would be arresting the man who raped me 25 years ago when we were 15, but I first have to give a video / recorded statement. I feel so weird - anxious, as though Im in trouble or something. I sort of feel scared like Im not going to be believed. But I also feel relieved, and almost excited in a way? I cant really put my finger on it and its a bit confusing. This officer was nothing like I had expected and was unbelievably compassionate and understanding of absolutely everything from me not reporting , to not fighting back etc.

I really dont know what to do with myself right now.... I cant discuss this with my really close friends as they will be getting contacted and questioned by the police. I am guessing maybe I need to just try to relax and calm down my nervous system a bit before anything else.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Ive processed a bit throughout the evening and mostly managed to hold myself together although did feel rather anxious, guilty, and a bit scared. I also realized part of me is feeling the shock? And totality Of this. The fact that this now man is ACTUALLY going to be ARRESTED and tried for RAPE! I really have no idea of what the results will be from this but I do know that this mans reputation WILL be ruined forever. For some twisted reason a part of me feels guilty about that - that I am ruining the rest of his life, whether or not, a court finds that my testimony and whatever third hand ones (if any) they are able to get , give them enough evidence to convince them that my story is more convincing than his. The whole thing seems so crazy to me 😣 and makes my head spin. Which...... as Im writing this sort of brings me to seeing how a lot of my following abuse and gaslighting has also messed with my head.

My Psychologist stayed something to me last week which was like a giant light bulb going off. She said that second guessing myself all the time was like a form of self abuse - I looked at her and asked like Im gaslighting myself?! and she saidYES!

MY GAWD! Floored........

* TRIGGER WARNING *

Todays been pretty fd up. I was in my car on my way to yoga and was called in to go give my statement- if I wanted. Or I could wait until victim services was available to accompany me. I decided to just go and do it after speaking to the officer. I wont go into all that took place but I had to repeat what took place multiple times. The hardest part was being ask to describe him - I became so light headed I almost thought I would black out, I began shaking very badly. When we finished and got up, I felt dizzy and unsteady and went to the washroom and began sobbing. The officers tried to get emergency victim services to come and get me for a couple hours as I was a total mess. They ended up sitting outside the station with me and chatting for that whole time and eventually drove me home, leaving my vehicle there. The officers I dealt with were amazing - extremely patient, supportive and kind. But I am not going to lie, this was absolutely the HARDEST day emotionally for me ever I think.

TRIGGER WARNING

I had tried to contact crisis counselling at the sexual assault centre this morning but I know their services have been cut back recently, and I didnt hear back from them.

I wasnt able to make arrangements for daughter in time to catch her before she was on her way home from school (I hadnt realized Id be such a mess) and she walked into home also a mess as had passed a cat (dead) that she thought was badly injured and was panicking because she hadnt stopped and done anything. I had to pull myself together and go with her to where the cat was. It was very obviously, not alive. The poor thing and my poor kid. I am grateful this pulled me out of my funk for about a 1/2 hr until I started receiving phone calls from victim services and my psychologist. Then I started going through stuff in my head and was back in the same emotional state again. The main officer called to check in with me and said hed be calling again in the AM to discuss some support options as he didnt seem to agree with what was offered / suggested by victim services. 2 of my work girlfriends took myself and my daughter to get my car and I basically spent the rest of the eve spaces right out. I tried working on a dresser Im trying to finish but that wasnt going well either. Hmmmm so now Im here. And I still feel like Im going to vomit also. Thats been the other perk of my day. Steady nausea. Hoping this helps get it out of my head to sleep 😴

So much has been going on! Im looking forward to sharing but also second guessing myself (a tiny bit). I suppose I think I may be a little bit worried that it might look to others as though Im being a bit of a sucker although I dont think thats the case. I actually feel pretty confident in one way about things but on another side a tad nervous.

The ex boyfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together the last 2 weeks - we are embarking on a 5 day camping trip today, to the Westcoast. Renting on a beach with no access to anything 😂. Were armed with journals, relationship worksheets, books, music, speakers and all sorts of other goodies.

A lot of stuff has become really clear to me lately - how he was so stuck for the last year and a half. He was desperately begging for my physical attention all the time and is a very affectionate man. I was very withdrawn affectionately. I didnt feel connected emotionally and kept talking to him about what I needed for this to happen in order to feel safe to be vulnerable affectionately. In the background of all of this- there was a woman at his work throwing herself at him. He was going out with groups of coworkers for drinks after work, and she would be there. They shared a cab home one night and she tried to kiss him. (This was a year ago. He pushed her away saying we were together, but continued to flirt with her when she was around. He is flirty in general and works as a bartender.

He has always just thought of this as being harmless and part of his job, and not as being disloyal to me. I am the first woman he says he has ever loved also.

There are multiple woman at his workplace who like him. Everyone there knows / knew that this particular woman really liked my boyfriend.

When we broke up last fall for 2 weeks they went on a date and kissed. But he told me he told her it didnt feel right and was still in love with me. Him and I got back together for another 6 months and he told me about this incident, but whenever I would go into his work there would be a whole bunch of back talk and cattiness from the waitresses and this woman. I could never figure out why it was such a big deal.

When we broke up a few months ago, he began spending time with her. He says he told her he did want a relationship at all, was not ready for that and was very clear about his intentions as they spent the night together a handful of times. They went on no dates, only out for drinks after finishing work and then spending the night. She ended up buying him a ticket to go to Hawaii with her as a surprise for a couple months down the rd. He says he told her that this made him feel uncomfortable and that they hadnt discussed it. And she became super upset and was crying at work during shifts following etc. He ended up telling her he didnt think they should see each any more and that he had told her he hadnt wanted anything more than what theyd been doing.