Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

All in all , a desired 7 hr visit at the carnival ended at 3 hours ( and home was scheduled after 4 hours anyways). Some days I sure wish I could turn back time and be 12 again.

Hmmmm so I know I have tons to get caught back up on again and I'll give you guys the lightening fast update on what's happening here as I quickly process for myself as well. SO and I just broke up. For good this time. I have definitely been less patient and short with him lately - I've been finding myself putting up pretty clear boundaries and expectations which he is not appreciating at all. As well, We have not been getting much time together as usual and many things are not getting spoken about that need to. I know this has been coming out in the way I respond to him which I do not feel good about. And don't get me wrong - it's super small ways but basically because I'm feeling unhappy and resentful that things are not changing. I love the "person" he is but I cannot handle the difference in the way we function any more. I recognize that things will not work and he does also. There was a bit of a blowout last evening which involved him raising his voice at me and swearing (in the driveway), late at night. This was in response to us having a talk about him being upset with how I responded to him asking to wash some clothes at my house. Rather than explaining myself I had made some noise and a face (I guess I was passive aggressive?) as I had not wanted to it get into it at the moment and was feeling super annoyed he was asking. So he was pissed and said I made him feel like crap. I apologized and said I had been feeling upset about stuff for a while and should have been talking to him about it. This led into more and he lost his temper and yelled and swore and then left. BUT my bedroom window was also open and my daughter heard which is another bad issue - as she was super upset and said but he's a man and shouldn't be yelling and swearing at you. She already has her hate on for him saying that he acts like a teenager etc (irresponsible TBI related stuff). All in all it came down to us deciding things are not working and are not going to work. I feel pretty crappy but still know this is the right decision for both of us. I have been feeling absolutely no desire or patience to having to coordinate and manage him, myself and my daughter. Ie. If he sleeps in on our day to hang out - he's upset that I don't call and wake him up. I won't - I've told him it's up to him to get up or make plans for later in the day and that I'm not his keeper. If he's not here when he's supposed to be then I'll go and do other things

There's been soo much on my mind lately I don't even really know where to begin. @Wizeakre has left and had been such a solid presence here since I've come to 7 cups. I had immediately somehow felt connected and trusting of her. I know for myself, I originally came here seeking some sort of connections with other people who might have some sort of understanding of trauma as there weren't really any support groups where I live for this and even though I work in mental health and a good amount of my friends do as well, this still seems to be an area that so many people just don't seem to get unless they have also lived it. Even a lot of therapists I've encountered don't seem to have a good grasp on it.

Wize had posted recently about a bunch of topics I've readily thought about in my time on here. How do we support each other and form friendships etc without becoming or feeling dependant on one another? How do we as individuals support each other without feeling anxious or responsible to be available and present all the time when someone else is struggling? I think this was a really important topic and one worth really taking the time to think over because as bonds have formed here I can see how these have become valid issues within a group of people that truly care about each other even though will never meet in real life. I know a little while ago I was spending what felt like the majority of my time on here as well and now I find myself feeling guilty for not being on here enough - not knowing what's going on with the "family" and not being here when someone is needing support. But on the flipside, I am also feeling stronger and trying to spend more time being present in my offline life. Practising being more assertive, paying attention to my intuition, and being clearer with communicating my needs and boundary setting. There has been a lot of fast changes and growth happening in my world but it's a good thing and I am definitely feeling more confident and sure of myself. That doesn't mean that things are hunky dory and perfect by any means though. I kind of just feel like I'm waking up to more and more all of the time - I am still struggling with lots of the trauma related stuff but the more that I learn about it, myself, how my body responds, and what to do - then the more I have been able to start taking back control. This has been really empowering. I mean, to know that someone is making a judgment about me that is incorrect and when I used to start to dissociate - now I have started to speak up for myself and say "hey, I think you might be assuming that I am.... X, Y, or Z but I actually...." and people listen to me! and I don't dissociate! This is so empowering. Ok TBH there have been a couple times where I still started to dissociate a tiny bit and there were also times where I still sensed that judgement but as long as I held onto that confidence people start to pick up on it. When I would dissociate and shut down, it was like I was reinforcing their negative judgements of me.

Not having the greatest day. Spent the morning helping a friend move but ended up coming home early due to feeling distracted and triggered from communication from daughter 2 and her dad re: her weekend there right now.

the visit has been scheduled since December for May 17-20. Daughter found out last week she would be coming home on Sunday the 20th instead of the Monday on the long weekend. The reason I planned it this way is because of her anxiety and panic attacks and she has dance Monday eve, as well as dress rehearsals Tuesday and Wednesday directly after school which all 7 of her costumes have to be prepped for etc. This stuff has to be gotten ready on Monday. So when daughter found out she was upset and I explained the reasoning. I also told her if she was able to have all of her stuff ready and wanted to call her dad ahead of time to discuss changing the plan , that would be ok with me but she declined doing this.

When I dropped her off to go to her dads - he had no idea what day she was scheduled to come home ( he doesnt keep track of the dates). And then he made an issue of her not staying until Monday so again had to explain all of this as well as that I had given her the option to plan ahead to change but she declined.

She was being coached

And texted me at lunch saying she decided she wanted to stay until Monday and what time would work for me to pick her up. This is not how she talks.

I again reminded her of what I had told her already.

I then received a text from her dad. To which I responded by email and stated again what had already been stated and reminded him to only contact me by text for emergencies and email for everything else as per our court order.

I then received an email from his commonlaw girlfriend saying that shes kept her mouth shut for 5 years but that I was putting my daughters dance before her dad and her family and that Im greatly impacting her mental health and that everyone can clearly see it and to not respond back to her. I also received another email from her dad. All of which I did not respond to.

The thing is, first of all- my daughter has to go there for 3 days a month. Not 4. 1 x 3 day weekend. Secondly, its not my fault they do not keep track of the schedule. Thirdly, I was clear with expectations and boundaries with my daughter and actually put it on her to extend the weekend but not at the last second.

I feel as though they are manipulating her and trying to bully me. They planned a camping trip which isnt a real camping trip but camping in the trailer at his moms at the lake which is a 15 min drive away. But didnt plan to go until this eve! With a big family dinner tomorrow night! When shes supposed to be coming home.

So, no matter how I navigate this now , Im going to be a mega b in my daughters eyes but of no fault of my own. I hate this crap that they put me in. I feel like I HAVE to let her stay until Monday. After all of this bull crap has gone done. Every boundary Ive tried to set has been broken, Ive been told off by the girlfriend and then told about all the plans that were made. This crap happens all of the time. They plan stuff outside of the scheduled visits.

Grrrrrrr

on the plus side. I did not get that intense hyper vigilance feeling and immediate tensing in my back. But I just couldnt manage being present and mindful and engaged with my friends and came home and pulled a crapload of weeds. Now Ive just been worried the rest of the day. I hate this.

Well, Ive sort of been in hiding I think the last few days. All Ive actually really been doing is the necessary daily things and weeding like mad. I bawled my eyes out last night - like messy, snot dripping down my face bawling. I havent done that in a long time. I met with the kids therapist yesterday - she reaffirmed that there is parental alienation going on, def narcissistic behaviours. I was also led to believe that my daughter may have expressed something to the time of wanting to live at her dads although this was not specifically said. I had brought up how shed expressed something similar in an act of frustration when having anxiety and not wanting my boyfriend here and had stated she could just go to her dads. The therapist had said well it is quieter and less busy there as my daughter had been saying she liked this about the small city where her dad lives. It was then implied this was the thing she had said to the psychiatrist that I wasnt told and I broke down. Theres so much more to this and conversations with my daughter last evening brought out that she had felt like running away but never actually would. She said no one knows her like I do.

As for the rest. I went to the police today - I spoke to them about what I need to have changed in my court order to have things enforceable and to protect myself from types of harassment.

They contacted my ex husbands commonlaw girlfriend and told her to not contact me again and that if she did it would be seen as criminal harassment. But I went in there feeling strong and completely melted and got all muddled up as soon as I started trying to

communicate. It was hard for me to point things out clearly- when someone makes a statement like youre keeping youre daughter away from her dad and family then people think thats what I am doing. I AM NOT. It is not a black and white issue but they are absolutely turning it into that. When they say I am putting dance before her dad - I am not, but they are turning it into that. None of this stuff is either or but when they refuse to do things theyre supposed to / comply with court orders it does become that.

I am also going on to the courthouse this week to start sorting the legal end out but I am a bit worried and scared about the backlash. I need to have this order updated in a way that it protects myself from harassment and verbal abuse, as well as protects my daughter from manipulation. She is an anxious and sensitive kid who is easily affected by what is said to her. She loves her dad and wants to spend time with him but he keeps making it difficult for her to.

I am really tired of all of this. I am tired and scared of the manipulation of her as well.

Therapy today.... Ive been a mess this week. I need to not let this stuff unravel me like this so that I can focus on things that matter. They dont matter in this sense. I am doing things appropriately. I HAVE to remember this and let their words just slide off me.

Sort of feeling las though my heads been spinning a little this week.... the start of the week was hard for sure - barely had an appetite and really was surprised as to how much I took this whole episode on with my ex and his partner. I had been feeling so much stronger emotionally and just let this set me back again - This wasn't even technically a big thing. I mean it wasn't like I had been served with legal papers or anything like that - it was just accusations again fueled by their emotional frustrations and inability to take responsibility for their (his) actions effecting things. I can't let this allow my whole week to fall apart.

We just made it through another crazy weekend of dance year end recitals and half a day of auditions (for my daughter) for next years dance companies and hip hop crews. I'm really proud of her hard work - she was invited back to audition with the kids 2-6 years older than her!. Her dad again did not come to her recital - she said it didn't matter to her but I for some reason can't imagine that this is true and tend to think that she's supressing her disappointment at this point as it's been going on for so long now.

I began getting pretty significant lower back flank pain at the end of the week as well and took myself to the Dr. I'm not sure if it is/ was just muscular due to me doing so much weeding and yard work as it's in a different area than I usually get with my lower back and SI joint problems. This was more where my left kidney was and the Dr thought my spleen sounded funny when he palpated it plus it felt like I had been punched. I went for IMS with my physio and it has subsided slightly and I've had bloodwork with elevated platelets, hematacrit, RBC's etc and still need to go for an ultrasound so I guess I'll find out soon enough. Sooo unlikely it's actuallu my spleen though so I'll just assume it's muscular and not worry about it.

Still feeling mostly ok with the break up. We have talked via social media messaging due to some necessary tasks that have needed to be sorting out. I have found myself starting to hash over some situations in my head and start to question "why's or what if's " but have been able to redirect my thought's pretty quickly and just tell myself that it is for the best and we are very different places emotionally and cannot meet each other's needs. By continuing this relationship we would actually be doing each other a disservice. He was absolutely my go to person in every sense though and my biggest support person in real life and I am definitely feeling that loss. He has been getting out and socializing more in healthy ways - hiking and going surfing etc - I am really happy that he is doing those kinds of positive things for himself finally.

I had a great visit with a gf yesterday , I've mentioned her before - the one I did my nursing program with as well as lived with her family for a while in my teens. We had a good talk about assertiveness and how when people are used to you (me) being more passive and then you (I) am assertive in appropriate ways - it shocks other people and they can be harsh and awful in response. They don't like it as well as it can bring out other people's true colours. She is very good at being assertiveness and this a quality I've always admired in her although has been something she has found challenging at times as other people can find it intimidating. I do not find her aggressive by any means and she is a kind person. She is intelligent and a very high achiever by she does not put up with any crap. She said she has no problem with cutting friendships or relationships that she sees as being in conflict with her needs - and yes she may even question her own interaction in these but it ultimately comes down to the fact that "the 2 of them just aren't a good mix together" whatever the reason for it may be. This whole discussion was sort of prompted by the book I was sitting and reading in the sun in her back garden while she made lunch. you guys may want to check it out as well as it was given to me by my Psychologist to read this week for homework and it looks really good so far. @wizeakre I think you especially might appreciate this one as I know you ponder this stuff often as well