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Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

purpleWest8143 March 1st, 2018

Today Ive decided to start my own journal in here rather than dumping in the daily check ins. I feel like there might actually be some benefits for me to get all of this crap out somewhere and it just feels too vulnerable to be putting it onto paper.

A year ago I finally received a formal diagnosis of primary PTSD with dissociative symptoms and secondary diagnosis of GAD. I have now also received another diagnosis query of ADD/ADHD - more on the ADD end.

I grew up in a super strict Baptist home with what everyone viewed as a loving stable home. I was bright, super inquisitive, outgoing and considered gifted. My parents saw me as argumentative and questioning them all the time. I questioned the world and everything around me- I wanted to understand things! They get this now.

At 14 I ran away. I felt like I was never listened to or heard. My feelings were continually invalidated. I wasnt encouraged or allowed to be me, or supported in this. I was forced to be and act a certain way. I was told I had to do it their way or I couldnt live there. So I left.

I wasnt getting what I needed from my parents- the unconditional love and support to grow into my true self. I am just connecting this now with the help of my Psychologist

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purpleWest8143 OP May 12th, 2018

All in all , a desired 7 hr visit at the carnival ended at 3 hours ( and home was scheduled after 4 hours anyways). Some days I sure wish I could turn back time and be 12 again.

purpleWest8143 OP May 16th, 2018

Hmmmm so I know I have tons to get caught back up on again and I'll give you guys the lightening fast update on what's happening here as I quickly process for myself as well. SO and I just broke up. For good this time. I have definitely been less patient and short with him lately - I've been finding myself putting up pretty clear boundaries and expectations which he is not appreciating at all. As well, We have not been getting much time together as usual and many things are not getting spoken about that need to. I know this has been coming out in the way I respond to him which I do not feel good about. And don't get me wrong - it's super small ways but basically because I'm feeling unhappy and resentful that things are not changing. I love the "person" he is but I cannot handle the difference in the way we function any more. I recognize that things will not work and he does also. There was a bit of a blowout last evening which involved him raising his voice at me and swearing (in the driveway), late at night. This was in response to us having a talk about him being upset with how I responded to him asking to wash some clothes at my house. Rather than explaining myself I had made some noise and a face (I guess I was passive aggressive?) as I had not wanted to it get into it at the moment and was feeling super annoyed he was asking. So he was pissed and said I made him feel like crap. I apologized and said I had been feeling upset about stuff for a while and should have been talking to him about it. This led into more and he lost his temper and yelled and swore and then left. BUT my bedroom window was also open and my daughter heard which is another bad issue - as she was super upset and said but he's a man and shouldn't be yelling and swearing at you. She already has her hate on for him saying that he acts like a teenager etc (irresponsible TBI related stuff). All in all it came down to us deciding things are not working and are not going to work. I feel pretty crappy but still know this is the right decision for both of us. I have been feeling absolutely no desire or patience to having to coordinate and manage him, myself and my daughter. Ie. If he sleeps in on our day to hang out - he's upset that I don't call and wake him up. I won't - I've told him it's up to him to get up or make plans for later in the day and that I'm not his keeper. If he's not here when he's supposed to be then I'll go and do other things

4 replies
calmLake1999 May 16th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

*safe hugs* I'm sorry he reacted like that, I'm sitting here with you. You deserve better than to be yelled and swore at because your an amazing person. πŸ’–

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purpleWest8143 OP May 16th, 2018

@calmLake1999 thx Calm. No, I didn't and he also doesn't deserve how I've been treating him either. thank you for the hugs. I know this is the right decision but it still feels super crappy. I've been holding on to this relationship for too long and I'll need to explore this a bit more over the next while as I need to figure out exactly what's been going on for me. I do think I';ve known that we needed to end things.... at least suspected it but have been doubting that feeling and was worried about making a decision if I wasn't "positive", scared about hurting someone else etc.

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courteousNorth5140 May 16th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Oh West, I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup *hugs* but it is a really brave decision to end a long going relationship when it just doesn't feel right anymore... And I want to echoe Calm here, you don't deserve being yelled and sweared at... If you need anything, a hug, somebody holding your hand, somebody feeding you with chocolate or just sitting next to you, we're here for you *hugs*πŸ’•

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purpleWest8143 OP May 19th, 2018

There's been soo much on my mind lately I don't even really know where to begin. @Wizeakre has left and had been such a solid presence here since I've come to 7 cups. I had immediately somehow felt connected and trusting of her. I know for myself, I originally came here seeking some sort of connections with other people who might have some sort of understanding of trauma as there weren't really any support groups where I live for this and even though I work in mental health and a good amount of my friends do as well, this still seems to be an area that so many people just don't seem to get unless they have also lived it. Even a lot of therapists I've encountered don't seem to have a good grasp on it.

Wize had posted recently about a bunch of topics I've readily thought about in my time on here. How do we support each other and form friendships etc without becoming or feeling dependant on one another? How do we as individuals support each other without feeling anxious or responsible to be available and present all the time when someone else is struggling? I think this was a really important topic and one worth really taking the time to think over because as bonds have formed here I can see how these have become valid issues within a group of people that truly care about each other even though will never meet in real life. I know a little while ago I was spending what felt like the majority of my time on here as well and now I find myself feeling guilty for not being on here enough - not knowing what's going on with the "family" and not being here when someone is needing support. But on the flipside, I am also feeling stronger and trying to spend more time being present in my offline life. Practising being more assertive, paying attention to my intuition, and being clearer with communicating my needs and boundary setting. There has been a lot of fast changes and growth happening in my world but it's a good thing and I am definitely feeling more confident and sure of myself. That doesn't mean that things are hunky dory and perfect by any means though. I kind of just feel like I'm waking up to more and more all of the time - I am still struggling with lots of the trauma related stuff but the more that I learn about it, myself, how my body responds, and what to do - then the more I have been able to start taking back control. This has been really empowering. I mean, to know that someone is making a judgment about me that is incorrect and when I used to start to dissociate - now I have started to speak up for myself and say "hey, I think you might be assuming that I am.... X, Y, or Z but I actually...." and people listen to me! and I don't dissociate! This is so empowering. Ok TBH there have been a couple times where I still started to dissociate a tiny bit and there were also times where I still sensed that judgement but as long as I held onto that confidence people start to pick up on it. When I would dissociate and shut down, it was like I was reinforcing their negative judgements of me.

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PerfectStorm426 May 19th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 you are doing great. You are a hard worker at all this stuff and you will get there. You are very knowledgable and i wouldnt doubt it for a second that you have an aha moment soon too. All inside of your knowledge. You will find it.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 thanks Storm. How are you? I know youre feeling Wizes departure significantly and had a strong bond with her.... I also saw a comment somewhere, that youre also concerned that without her assistance in (clarifying communication?) youre worried that you might say something that unintentionally hurts someone? Did I understand that correct?

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PerfectStorm426 May 19th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 well, i am not even remotely good. But i think i am better than others? Which is ok. Maybe? I dunno. But yes. Before you met me. And wize and me and calm kinda fell together, well things i said, views i had, i would say em. Black and white ya know? Well wize understood it as i meant it and re worded it in a better way. I can get taken wrongly easily. Good and bad. Somehow wize understood and elaborated on what i meant. I dunno why really. I like all of you miss wize for our own reasons. But i dunno if i can do this cups WO her. And that is just plain chitty to say at all. But reality is to me, is cups ever gonna help me at all anyhow. Or is it just a bandaid to get me thru day to day. Which is what i think. You do not have to elaborate on all this. I just want ya to know that i am still here and respect you as part of the blanket fort family. I know i cant offer you much in your journey. But... i am still here for ya and hoping for the best.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 awe Storm if it helps at all- ( I think I do understand what youre saying about how Wize could understand what you were trying to express and flesh it out a bit more with her words) but also, as for the blanket fort fam- I think that weve all had a chance to 1. Get to know each other a fair bit now and at least know that there are never Ill intentions behind anything and 2. I believe that it is up to each of us to get clarification if something feels offensive / judgemental etc etc. It could just be a misinterpretation of what someone has said (we are not as good with words as Wize is πŸ˜‰). So truly, you can only do your best to communicate your intent and meaning with your word (to the best of your ability) and if someone takes something youve said a way other than you intended- the responsibility also partly lies on them to pause before reacting and to try to consider your intent ask for clarification etc.... youre a good guy and mean well. ❀️

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PerfectStorm426 May 19th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 tru lol. But i also know that if i sit and wait, one of you guys will say what i would have said in a waaaay better way than i would have....and it is all good. It will all work out in the wash. One way or the other. It will work out.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 what do you hope to gain from being on 7 cups/ was there a specific reason that brought you here? Was it a sense of connection to others? Searching for answers?

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PerfectStorm426 May 19th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 oooo ur digging where you shouldnt. If i answer that right now. U all wont ever see me again. So i will answer that generally and to the point. basically, i am here because i think i was about to die. For real. And i did not care. And i just stumbled across a place where i could talk my thoughts and not be told tje same cookie cutter answers.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 ok so 7 cups was an avenue for you to express and release some super difficult emotions. And youre not in the same state now as you were then. But still struggling. As for wondering about whether or not 7 cups is good for you.....

I guess for myself - Ive kind of looked at things like any one type of healthy coping (if you are considering 7cups being an avenue of coping rather than helping move forward?) can Become unhealthy for me if it becomes something that begins to be an escape of a sort / is unbalanced / impacts or creates problems in other areas of my life or functioning. Does this make sense? Its kind of like this.... watching a tv show or movie could be a good self care move at certain times but if I did it in all of my free time - then I wouldnt get any cleaning/ socializing / laundry etc done.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 all of you have added something SIGNIFICANT to my journey- dont sell yourself short buddy 😝. And tbh I kind of sometimes appreciate the just throwing out the first thought / response black or white - as you call it(which Im not really sure is what you do btw) because its genuine and you just havent fine tuned your words yet. I kind of have a feeling that you may be a guy that is full of feeling and emotion - which is such a wonderful trait for a man. People who know you and appreciate your true self will understand you. Online is just a bit diff- but we know you now πŸ˜‰

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PerfectStorm426 May 19th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 i sooo appreciate what you said right here. You have no idea what that means to me. I think ur right about me being very emotional for being a guy. In my job, well its a mans man kinda occupation. Gas wells. Drilling rigs, mud blood sweat and tears. All i get from my guys is answers that are easy but wrong to my heart. Yet i am as calloused as everyone else here in storm work world. It is very hard. Because everyone i deal with is calloused. Maybe they hide their chewy center better. But for 20 years. I lived this roughneck life. But i think i have a above average loving and caring heart. Because i had to grow up so fast. Which makes me feel like i am so wrong for the world. But thats on me. But i thank you for taking your space here in your diary to explore the inner workings of the storm. I gotta lay down and rest. But u have a good night and i will talk to you soon. Thanks west! Wish you the best no matter what i decide to do here.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 youre welcome and anytime Storm. I am very familiar with rig life as well as the male stereotype that goes along with it albeit may be slightly diff in your part of the world than In Alberta but prob pretty similar πŸ˜‰. Im hitting bed now too. Helping a friend move tomorrow. Sleep well friend!

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purpleWest8143 OP May 20th, 2018

Not having the greatest day. Spent the morning helping a friend move but ended up coming home early due to feeling distracted and triggered from communication from daughter 2 and her dad re: her weekend there right now.

the visit has been scheduled since December for May 17-20. Daughter found out last week she would be coming home on Sunday the 20th instead of the Monday on the long weekend. The reason I planned it this way is because of her anxiety and panic attacks and she has dance Monday eve, as well as dress rehearsals Tuesday and Wednesday directly after school which all 7 of her costumes have to be prepped for etc. This stuff has to be gotten ready on Monday. So when daughter found out she was upset and I explained the reasoning. I also told her if she was able to have all of her stuff ready and wanted to call her dad ahead of time to discuss changing the plan , that would be ok with me but she declined doing this.

When I dropped her off to go to her dads - he had no idea what day she was scheduled to come home ( he doesnt keep track of the dates). And then he made an issue of her not staying until Monday so again had to explain all of this as well as that I had given her the option to plan ahead to change but she declined.

She was being coached

purpleWest8143 OP May 20th, 2018

And texted me at lunch saying she decided she wanted to stay until Monday and what time would work for me to pick her up. This is not how she talks.

I again reminded her of what I had told her already.

I then received a text from her dad. To which I responded by email and stated again what had already been stated and reminded him to only contact me by text for emergencies and email for everything else as per our court order.

I then received an email from his commonlaw girlfriend saying that shes kept her mouth shut for 5 years but that I was putting my daughters dance before her dad and her family and that Im greatly impacting her mental health and that everyone can clearly see it and to not respond back to her. I also received another email from her dad. All of which I did not respond to.

The thing is, first of all- my daughter has to go there for 3 days a month. Not 4. 1 x 3 day weekend. Secondly, its not my fault they do not keep track of the schedule. Thirdly, I was clear with expectations and boundaries with my daughter and actually put it on her to extend the weekend but not at the last second.

I feel as though they are manipulating her and trying to bully me. They planned a camping trip which isnt a real camping trip but camping in the trailer at his moms at the lake which is a 15 min drive away. But didnt plan to go until this eve! With a big family dinner tomorrow night! When shes supposed to be coming home.

purpleWest8143 OP May 20th, 2018

So, no matter how I navigate this now , Im going to be a mega b in my daughters eyes but of no fault of my own. I hate this crap that they put me in. I feel like I HAVE to let her stay until Monday. After all of this bull crap has gone done. Every boundary Ive tried to set has been broken, Ive been told off by the girlfriend and then told about all the plans that were made. This crap happens all of the time. They plan stuff outside of the scheduled visits.

Grrrrrrr

on the plus side. I did not get that intense hyper vigilance feeling and immediate tensing in my back. But I just couldnt manage being present and mindful and engaged with my friends and came home and pulled a crapload of weeds. Now Ive just been worried the rest of the day. I hate this.

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courteousNorth5140 May 20th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Oh West *hugs* that really sounds like a hell of a day/weekend πŸ˜• can't imagine how hard this must be for you, having to deal with your daughter's father AND his girlfriend, what's honestly absolutely inacceptable that SHE contacts you, and still keeping the wellbeing of your daughter in mind... But you're definitely trying your best, I can't think of anything you could do or could have done any better, it's on them to keep the schedule and to contact you the right way... This could all work just perfectly smooth, but well, some people seem to need this, they just have to make it hard for everybody else... Hope the rest of your weekend gets a bit better *hugs* πŸ’•

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purpleWest8143 OP May 24th, 2018

Well, Ive sort of been in hiding I think the last few days. All Ive actually really been doing is the necessary daily things and weeding like mad. I bawled my eyes out last night - like messy, snot dripping down my face bawling. I havent done that in a long time. I met with the kids therapist yesterday - she reaffirmed that there is parental alienation going on, def narcissistic behaviours. I was also led to believe that my daughter may have expressed something to the time of wanting to live at her dads although this was not specifically said. I had brought up how shed expressed something similar in an act of frustration when having anxiety and not wanting my boyfriend here and had stated she could just go to her dads. The therapist had said well it is quieter and less busy there as my daughter had been saying she liked this about the small city where her dad lives. It was then implied this was the thing she had said to the psychiatrist that I wasnt told and I broke down. Theres so much more to this and conversations with my daughter last evening brought out that she had felt like running away but never actually would. She said no one knows her like I do.

As for the rest. I went to the police today - I spoke to them about what I need to have changed in my court order to have things enforceable and to protect myself from types of harassment.

purpleWest8143 OP May 24th, 2018

They contacted my ex husbands commonlaw girlfriend and told her to not contact me again and that if she did it would be seen as criminal harassment. But I went in there feeling strong and completely melted and got all muddled up as soon as I started trying to

communicate. It was hard for me to point things out clearly- when someone makes a statement like youre keeping youre daughter away from her dad and family then people think thats what I am doing. I AM NOT. It is not a black and white issue but they are absolutely turning it into that. When they say I am putting dance before her dad - I am not, but they are turning it into that. None of this stuff is either or but when they refuse to do things theyre supposed to / comply with court orders it does become that.

I am also going on to the courthouse this week to start sorting the legal end out but I am a bit worried and scared about the backlash. I need to have this order updated in a way that it protects myself from harassment and verbal abuse, as well as protects my daughter from manipulation. She is an anxious and sensitive kid who is easily affected by what is said to her. She loves her dad and wants to spend time with him but he keeps making it difficult for her to.

I am really tired of all of this. I am tired and scared of the manipulation of her as well.

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PerfectStorm426 May 24th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 Thats a tough thing that you are up against. I been there. How to protect and yet raise the best children that you can without being drill sergeant ish. Because of course, the other side will butter the kids up as best they can to make you look like the bad party. And thats what it sounds like is going on. I am glad you have went and seen the authorities and got those boundaries set so that you can focus. And i am glad that you now know what your daughter β€˜likes about being there. Now you focus on giving her what she wants and needs that the offending party is buttering her up with. Yet still focus on making the best girls you can. And keeping them safe from the manipulation. These kinda people are looking for ways to set you off. How to orchestrate you. How to make you look bad. Thats all they got left. So do not let them get the upper hand. Keep your composure, utilize what you have just learned, and protect your daughter. As she grows older and learns whats going on. She will thank you.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 24th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 thanks Storm the focussing on giving her what they butter her up with is a bit impossible as she thinks were poor and theyre living large. Plus none of the woman in the family there work, and no one has educations (not that that in itself is necessarily a problem) but there are other factors involved with this that impact things. Basically she is given and provided anything and everything there - its disneyland to her when she goes. Any gifts she receives have to stay there. She has a full wardrobe there and is not allowed to bring clothing from here there or from there here. They take her on multiple holidays per year. But yet her dad claimed he was making under minimum wage and his partner unemployed. So hes not contributing financially what he should be and I pay the lions share of her expenses. As well as he did what is now called court harassment to me to the tune of $25,000- dragging legal proceedings out unnecessarily basically to cause me hardship. 3 years ago they didnt have a system in place to protect people from that - now they do.

My biggest thing I have is my relationship with her but they keep trying to make me look bad to her which I am convinced is a huge part of the emotional struggles she has - and when she complains of not feeling good but cant say why- its some sort of internal conflict based on emotional manipulation stuff that just doesnt sit right with her.

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PerfectStorm426 May 24th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 you are absolutely right. And what is bad is that they are using your girl there against you. And hurting her in the process. I am not sure of the law and procedures where you live, so i wont get into all that. But i do believe that with your daughters basic opposition to you having a boyfriend stay with you is either 1- her wanting her mom and dad back together or 2- her dad orchestrating her to get you back. Even though he has a gf- or 3- is using her to hurt you. No matter what it is. Its not you hurting her. Its them manipulating her. So my advice would be to not blame anything on yourself. But focus it where it belongs and use all your energies to get thru this battle. Because its the right thing to do. Even if your daughter is saddened by this- its THEIR fault. Not yours.

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purpleWest8143 OP May 25th, 2018

Therapy today.... Ive been a mess this week. I need to not let this stuff unravel me like this so that I can focus on things that matter. They dont matter in this sense. I am doing things appropriately. I HAVE to remember this and let their words just slide off me.

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calmLake1999 May 25th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

*safe hugs* if you would like them, here for you! πŸ’–

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purpleWest8143 OP May 28th, 2018

Sort of feeling las though my heads been spinning a little this week.... the start of the week was hard for sure - barely had an appetite and really was surprised as to how much I took this whole episode on with my ex and his partner. I had been feeling so much stronger emotionally and just let this set me back again - This wasn't even technically a big thing. I mean it wasn't like I had been served with legal papers or anything like that - it was just accusations again fueled by their emotional frustrations and inability to take responsibility for their (his) actions effecting things. I can't let this allow my whole week to fall apart.

We just made it through another crazy weekend of dance year end recitals and half a day of auditions (for my daughter) for next years dance companies and hip hop crews. I'm really proud of her hard work - she was invited back to audition with the kids 2-6 years older than her!. Her dad again did not come to her recital - she said it didn't matter to her but I for some reason can't imagine that this is true and tend to think that she's supressing her disappointment at this point as it's been going on for so long now.

I began getting pretty significant lower back flank pain at the end of the week as well and took myself to the Dr. I'm not sure if it is/ was just muscular due to me doing so much weeding and yard work as it's in a different area than I usually get with my lower back and SI joint problems. This was more where my left kidney was and the Dr thought my spleen sounded funny when he palpated it plus it felt like I had been punched. I went for IMS with my physio and it has subsided slightly and I've had bloodwork with elevated platelets, hematacrit, RBC's etc and still need to go for an ultrasound so I guess I'll find out soon enough. Sooo unlikely it's actuallu my spleen though so I'll just assume it's muscular and not worry about it.

Still feeling mostly ok with the break up. We have talked via social media messaging due to some necessary tasks that have needed to be sorting out. I have found myself starting to hash over some situations in my head and start to question "why's or what if's " but have been able to redirect my thought's pretty quickly and just tell myself that it is for the best and we are very different places emotionally and cannot meet each other's needs. By continuing this relationship we would actually be doing each other a disservice. He was absolutely my go to person in every sense though and my biggest support person in real life and I am definitely feeling that loss. He has been getting out and socializing more in healthy ways - hiking and going surfing etc - I am really happy that he is doing those kinds of positive things for himself finally.

I had a great visit with a gf yesterday , I've mentioned her before - the one I did my nursing program with as well as lived with her family for a while in my teens. We had a good talk about assertiveness and how when people are used to you (me) being more passive and then you (I) am assertive in appropriate ways - it shocks other people and they can be harsh and awful in response. They don't like it as well as it can bring out other people's true colours. She is very good at being assertiveness and this a quality I've always admired in her although has been something she has found challenging at times as other people can find it intimidating. I do not find her aggressive by any means and she is a kind person. She is intelligent and a very high achiever by she does not put up with any crap. She said she has no problem with cutting friendships or relationships that she sees as being in conflict with her needs - and yes she may even question her own interaction in these but it ultimately comes down to the fact that "the 2 of them just aren't a good mix together" whatever the reason for it may be. This whole discussion was sort of prompted by the book I was sitting and reading in the sun in her back garden while she made lunch. you guys may want to check it out as well as it was given to me by my Psychologist to read this week for homework and it looks really good so far. @wizeakre I think you especially might appreciate this one as I know you ponder this stuff often as well

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purpleWest8143 OP May 28th, 2018

eeek still got to get this posting of photos in here down packed frown

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