Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse
Today Ive decided to start my own journal in here rather than dumping in the daily check ins. I feel like there might actually be some benefits for me to get all of this crap out somewhere and it just feels too vulnerable to be putting it onto paper.
A year ago I finally received a formal diagnosis of primary PTSD with dissociative symptoms and secondary diagnosis of GAD. I have now also received another diagnosis query of ADD/ADHD - more on the ADD end.
I grew up in a super strict Baptist home with what everyone viewed as a loving stable home. I was bright, super inquisitive, outgoing and considered gifted. My parents saw me as argumentative and questioning them all the time. I questioned the world and everything around me- I wanted to understand things! They get this now.
At 14 I ran away. I felt like I was never listened to or heard. My feelings were continually invalidated. I wasnt encouraged or allowed to be me, or supported in this. I was forced to be and act a certain way. I was told I had to do it their way or I couldnt live there. So I left.
I wasnt getting what I needed from my parents- the unconditional love and support to grow into my true self. I am just connecting this now with the help of my Psychologist
I also realized its already the 10th and I still havent received child support for April so I contacted FMEP and found out that theyve started the process to begin garnishing my ex- husbands wages for regular child support as well as the amounts hes in arrears for. So this is
good even though there will be a delay as hes been in arrears again for years (ever since I agreed to walk away from the original arrears in 2015 in order to get him to agree to a court order) and its taken a long time for them to take action since hes stopped filing tax returns the last 2 years.
My group at the sexual assault centre ended today and I am a bit sad about this but am very grateful for the sessions I had. Each new group Ive attended Ive became more comfortable in that setting which is big for me on top of the focussed skills Im learning there.
That being said, my Psychiatrist and I laughed yesterday at how uncomfortable I appeared at my first art therapy group last week- she said i appeared so tense that I was going to hit the ceiling. I totally giggled at this because that was EXACTLY how I felt and I said to her.... see! I told you Im super uncomfortable in groups! Lol 😣😫🤣 but I guess she had specifically planned for this and was why she had sat me against the wall with only 2 other woman who were both super kind and soft spoken. ❤️
Im needing to plan another house meeting with the 2 roommates and pull out some assertiveness skills. Its killing me and I dont want to but have to as theres some stuff eating away at me regarding us cleaning up after ourselves. The interactions with the previous roomate who was aggressive and abusive towards the rest of us have left me feeling super paranoid about offending people. But weve already spoken about the need to clean up after ourselves, twice, and it seems that 2 of us have 1 idea what this means and the other another idea. I struggle with feeling conflicted about my right to be asking someone else directly to be cleaning up their dishes, sweeping the floor, washing mucky handprints off things, wiping down counters, keeping compost containers clean and the sink free of food remnants and not leaving food out on the stove in pans etc. When its their home as well.
@purpleWest8143
Oooooo you've got this!!! You can do it!!! Speak your needs, let them speak theirs, and then see what happens....
Speaking from my own experience, I always feel better (empowered and free) after speaking my needs, even when it's terrifying to do so.
@purpleWest8143
Oh west! Im sending you some of my strength.. Its difficult to be assertive and especially with that fear of them reacting badly remember you are strong and we are there with you in spirit.. You can do this! Take a few deep breaths and remember that this assertion is needed! Sending lots of love 💜💜💜
@calmLake1999 thank you Calm ❤️ Seems like it should be such an easy task to do but super nervous lol
@purpleWest8143
lol they always seem easy tasks! You are strong though, I myself probably wouldn't be able to, would probably hide.. I am no good at being assertive >.<
triggers for sexual and physical abuse !!!!*TRIGGERS*
Sister i get how you feel i am 15 and got told i have ptsd I got sexually abused by my Grandfather and never told anyone I was 5 at the time and thought it was normal but still had that gut feeling when i was around him then my mom divorced my dad( the one person that actually beleives me ) and that same day started dating my stepdad who i thought was pretty cool because i mean i was 5-7 at the time i didnt know what to think he finnaly moved in with us and they got married it took him 2 years to finnaly realize my mom trusts him and thats when the physicaly and emotionaly abused me it had took little steps slapping me,telling me im atupid,telling me to kill myselfand more again i thought it was normal (It's not if you havent noticed) i do have a sister i was called the devil and her the angel. she had never got abused by anyone so first it was me then it was my mom every night i wiuld wake up to my drunk step father fighting with my mom you could hear glass breaking and her getting shoved to the ground i remember waking up and her having bruises everywhere on her body this was in kinder-2nd now its 3rd grade where everything gets real he finnaly punches me having a black eye my mom of course tells me i fell and hit something and tells me if i tell im not allowed to go anywhere but my 3rd grade teacher found out and made me spill the truth out to her sh then calls child protection services and i lie to them they finnaly let it go after a few weeks then i get to 6th grade and the abuse gets worse i finnaly tell the truth but my sister lies my stepdad didnt go to jail but me and my sister both have to go to counseling now and i now live with my dad but my sister still misses me and says she doesnt feel safe there without me she is going to move here to my dads this summer and my dads taking full custody of us *i did find out my step dad has a really bad record with 10 years of prison when he was 17 we still havent figured out why*
@XxxxxxxZoeyxxxxxX I
@purpleWest8143 Thank you very much
Had a bit of a revelation this morning- noticed that the one concrete pattern in my long term relationships has been a fear of abandonment and abusive behaviours acted out stemming from this feeling from my partners.
My current partner also has this fear but does not express it in abusive ways. I know that I have probably also been emotionally unavailable due to not knowing any better and not having the right skills.
Lots of stuff to take into therapy this morning 😣
- how to create internal boundaries
- is what my ex doing narcissistic abuse (emotional neglect and manipulation)? Can I feel confident in communicating this to my daughters psychiatrist and how do I go about this? This is a huge concern of mine in her present struggles and I believe she may be projecting her feelings about her dad towards me and my boyfriend.
- also the above pattern in my relationships and my part in that
so, ex husband is definitely exhibiting narcisisstic behaviours and emotional neglect and manipulation of my daughter according to Psychologist. gawd why do I question myself and have so much trouble communication things confidently?!
Now, the question is what to do about it and how do I go about this, She did give me tips on how to word things in this letter to the Psychiatrist and to include examples of things relating directly to my daughter but not necessarily our court order.
As for the internal boundary thing @singercrystalspirit, we only had a few minutes to actually talk about this. but basically it comes down to being aware of your body sensations and maintaining your breathing, tensing and releasing muscles if needed etc. I think we'll talk more about this next week though.
@purpleWest8143
Also I am REALLY really sorry your daughter is receiving such treatment from her dad. Thank GOD she has a parent on her side who is fighting to get her out of that situation.
@singercrystalspirit ❤️ The thing is, my daughter doesn
@purpleWest8143. I second what wize said. Kids know things are not right. They will figure it out.
@PerfectStorm426. Kids hide what they feel really well. They act out in a good way even if they know the situation is toxic. I think they try to use positivity to change something they do not like into something they do like. And being a kid (acting notmal)is easy...trying to process things they do not understand is hard... so they invariably just go with the flow.
@purpleWest8143
Wow, it's fascinating to me West that you even have a psychologist who is AWARE of internal boundaries. Thank you so much for sharing. I will be looking forward to hear if you have more to share next week. If I ever have a good psychologist or anything of interest, I will be happy to share with you too 
I know you are going through a lot, but I am happy that you have a (what sounds like a) cogent psychologist to help you and be on your team to figure out what to say in legal proceedings (only been to court once myself, literally one time, but I know enough to know that's a thing you need help with).
@purpleWest8143
That's terrible, West. I hate how destructive these people can be for whatever selfish reasons they come up. It must be so frustrating to have to deal with that... your daughter just does not need to be treated that way. Pretty much echoing Singer's sentiments here. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a chaotic situation. And doubting yourself. Found that when I brought up to a professional about SO's behavior and he mentioned narcissist qualities or mechanisms. Like the bubble and injuries. It all made sense, but ONLY when I spoke to him about it. Cuz I feel like I can't just go around saying he/she/they are NPD/PD- I can't diagnose. So when I heard a professional who could tell me about these behaviors I felt like I could acknowledge them for what they were a bit easier because I didn't put much faith or trust in myself as a layman.
Internal boundaries...an interesting subject. Gonna look it up since I saw your folks conversations. Sounds like good stuff.
@CaloenasNicobarica yeah its funny because now when I read about emotional abuse it says that often people who are being subjected to it dont know thats what it is and just know they dont feel good.
On the plus side, while driving home from our long day, my daughter saw my art therapy project from tonight and asked about the word abuse on it and wanted to know who I was abused by. It opened dialogue about types of abuse as I didnt want to comment further than the abuse she already knew about from her sisters dad. She said the only abuse is physical and I explained there is emotional and sexual abuse (she forgot about the second). When I explained what emotional abuse was she said it wasnt abuse it was bullying and we had to talk about it more and how it definitely was abuse and what it might look like outside of peer relationships. I def saw the wheels turning in her head.
@purpleWest8143
Hey, West! It's stormy here! Hope the night's calm for you. <3
OMG That's so true about emotional abuse. It was going on my entire life and I had no clue that it was even a thing. Not until I talked to a DV advocate and got my mind blown. I guess because "abuse" is such a strong word...especially when you're a victim of it. Certainly was in denial until someone flat out told me about it. Your daughter is gettin' some wisdom that a lot of adults can't wrap their head around. Can def see how it can be considered bullying. Feel like I would have a hard time explaining it to even other adults! Mom points. I'm glad she asked about that stuff and can have such dialogues with you.
Really interested in your art therapy project! Art therapy has intrigued me but I kinda suck at that stuff. With all the stuff above- I was thinking about sand tray therapy. It's easily one of my favorite forms of therapy! Whee! Playing in the sand. But seriously, I know it's used for children who have trouble expressing themselves or that kinda thing... but I think it works pretty damn well for adults, too. lol tangent mode. Sorry, West.
Anyway, sending many hurrays for your daughter's victories and your own. Hugs too, if you want them! <3
@CaloenasNicobarica emotional abuse is so freaking hard to explain concretely to people! Blargh. I seriously kept looking up different definitions of every type of emotional and psychological abuse and listing specific recent examples Id witnessed of each one in my letter.
The art therapy is def NOT what Id thought it would be. And 2 1/2 hours at a time I thought was a huge Amt of time but goes by fast. We explore a different topic each week which is pretty in depth actually and have specific things we have to include in our project piece. They arent about looking nice and more about using a different part of our brain to connect with and process / express the thought or emotion. Hard to explain without getting into specifics really. Last nights was actually pretty emotional for me and I started crying as it was centred around handling conflict. This has been something Ive been specifically self reflecting on a lot due to the nature of my PTSD being interpersonal related and being triggered by certain types of conflict. When I finished my project and sat back and looked at it though, it really solidified something for me. And that was that, I have to really get more solid in being assertive and setting clear boundaries so that I weed out toxic and abusive behaviours from other people around me right away - as theres just no reason I should even be having to deal with that in my life at all. Period. Thats really the root problem.
@CaloenasNicobarica @singercrystalspirit thank you! We havent been in legal proceedings for 3 years as he drug me through what I found out today is considered court / legal harassment and I settled in order to get it over with. Ive sought child mental health support through what is sort of the equivalent to CPS in the US and this is who is doing the Psych assessment and who the letter was sent to.
@purpleWest8143
Im so sorry to hear your ex is like this with your daughter. Im glad she has an amazing mum on her side. Sending you all so much love! *big hugs* 
I've had an insanely busy couple of days and a few more coming up. Yesterday was hours of Psych and art therapy plus a whole afternoon of writing that letter to the Psychiatrist. Today we spent the day ay another dance competition (daughter placed 9th out of 31 for all the 12 year olds for competitive solo's 
) and the next 2 days will be full of dance competitions again too.
I had some pretty significant and emotional albeit short interactions with my mom this morning. She had rushed from out of town to make it to watch daughter #2's dance solo but traffic was bad, She had trouble finding parking AND got lost in the building. She ended up missing her performance and I found her crying in the lobby - she was crushed. Ifelt awful for her as I knew how badly she had wanted to make it. The thing is my mom was devastated because it was so important to her for my daughter to know how important she is to my mom - This is what my mom was most upset about. I almost started crying. My mom and I ended up talking about a bunch of other stuff somehow (oh, the topic of my ex-husband and his abuse and how no one else recognized it when we were married because emotional abuse is harder to "take a picture of" ) and she started apologizing for things like making me feel guilty for choices I made / had made and recognizing now how damaging that is and that they just didn't have better tools at the time - and then she started crying again. It was a good moment and gave me a chance to tell my mom I knew that everything they've done has had the right intent behind it and I've always known they loved me how they knew how to. It was a good moment for us I think.
HI West.. Just thinking of you tonight.. Hoping you are well! Sending you big hugs and much love
@calmLake1999 thank you so much Calm! I
@purpleWest8143
All cool west.. Was just thinking of you.. Glad your daughters had fun.. Hope you have been able to get some rest.. 💜💜
Sick to my stomach and feeling really anxious? I think atm. My head feels full and hot, my chest heavy and neck thick and hard to swallow. I just spoke to the therapist regarding daughters Psych assessment. My thoughts are that they did not take my concerns re: my ex husband seriously and stated they cannot get involved in divorce related issues between parents unless the child expresses a concern. It was also stated that since my daughter has had 3 therapists and does not appear to be actively engaging their plan is to offer supports to me directly for supporting her with her behaviours . It was also stated that my daughter was extremely articulate with the Psychiatrist and did disclose her thoughts but that they would not tell me this and that it was best for her to be telling me herself without me digging. I asked, how am I to know if this is different from anything shes already told me? And I was given the impression that it is but that there are zero safety concerns.
I think I feel sick because I feel like what I was fearful of - being seen as just trying to blame my ex- is what theyre thinking. I am worried that unless someone is very relational trauma informed, and looks at something from that lens when considering how a child is enterpreting their environment, they wouldnt see what I see is going on...... or is it that Im going crazy. This makes me question if how Im viewing things is skewed? And I REALLY want to know what my daughter said
Presently sitting in the car trying to gather myself and ground a bit. Or something. Im really trying to get a better sense of how do I really learn to recognize what exactly my feelings are in given situations? What are my thoughts? Are they in line with what is happening? Do these feelings serve a purpose? Ie. anger - is it misplaced, am I misinterpreting something based on trauma responses and biases / is it justified and I should be using it to actually DO Something? And to top of all of this, trying to pay attention to sensations going on in my body, recognize what they are, possibly what they mean and what to do about them instead of just ignoring them like I used to. Right now my chest still feels heavy and tight and now my upper back feels all pulled up again and tense which Ive been thinking for me is a sign of hypervigilence and seems to happen as soon as I think someone is trying to harm me / my family.
@purpleWest8143
*big hugs* im sorry this is happening at the moment for you West.. Sending you so much love. You are a very strong person and I truly admire how much you care for your daughters! You are such a great mom ! 💜💜
@purpleWest8143
Echoing Calm's words here! Also the hugs and love.
@CaloenasNicobarica @courteousNorth5140 @calmlake1999
thank you so much for the encouraging words you guys ❤️ Im really trying to get this mess out of my head to process and figure out whats going on. Im not in full crisis mode even though I def dont feel great. I honestly felt sick earlier and at least thats gone.
@purpleWest8143
Oh West, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this right now... Try to relax, try to calm yourself, listening to the sensations of your body is a good idea... I know this is hard at such a moment, but try to breath deeply and calmly... We're here for you, we feel with you and I can only echo Calm, you're a great mom and your daughters are blessed to have you 💕 stay strong West 💕 *safe hugs*