Childhood abuse - trigger warning
My older brother raped me when I was 11. I buried it for years, and have only really faced the trauma of it over the past three years. Its now 39 years since it happened. Id really like to speak with people who have endured something similar. Its so very complex, the emotions, the loyalty, the pretence, the fear of the impact on the wider family, the anger, the hatred...all in equal measure, all fluctuating. I think it must be very hard to understand unless youve been there.
Im not really looking for a shoulder to cry on....Im largely beyond that. Its dealing with the aftermath that I really want to explore. I spoke to my brother six months ago about his actions and the effect on me. Hes denied it. Its knowing where to go from here. How to face another family Christmas with ‘the elephant in the room.
Can anyone identify with any of this? How have you coped?
@BestIcanbe Yes I can identify. But I don't see my brother or speak with him at all. Do you feel like you want to continue a relationship with him?
@adventurousBranch3786 I was thinking about your question about how to deal with family with "the elephant in the room", with my family it didn't go very well. I don't know if it would be helpful for you but I would tell you about it if you are interested.
@adventurousBranch3786
Id love to know more about your situation. Its just so public talking about things on the forum isnt it? I didnt think to see if you were a listener so we could at least have a private conversation. Or are members now able to privately message one another? Its been a while since I was last on here, so just catching up with all the changes.
@BestIcanbe I am a member and members stii don't have private text. But I can tell you about it here, if there is something that is too much for me to say here I can put it into more general terms.
@adventurousBranch3786
Yes, please do....
@BestIcanbe Hi, In my case it didn't work out so good but I wanted to let you know that there are cases that I know of where the parents acted more responsibly So I will tell you about those situations also so you will be aware of different possibilities. In my case my there were many problems with my brother.one is that he would do s*x acts in the living room of our apartment. I complained to my mother about this and she would say "sibling rivalry" or that it never happened (even though she saw it also. I complained to her about this behavior for several years but it was always the same response.. When I was 16 we went to live with my father. My brother continued with the above behaviors. I complained to my father and told him that I was unable to live like with that anymore He kicked me out into the street. I never returned home to live with my family. When I was in my 20's my parents called me and told me that my brother had bee to therapy and was doing better so I should "not be vendictive" and "give him another chance.
@adventurousBranch3786 ****trigger warning**** At my parents request I met with him.I picked him up in my car and was driving on the highway. He told me that he was attracted to me ( in more graphic terms). I told him that I was uncomfortable discussing the subject and I sugested that he talk about it with the therapist. He then grabbed my head and started banging it into the steering wheel of the car. I never saw him again.
@adventurousBranch3786 I told my parents about what happened and they both pretended like it never happened and tried to encourage me to "reconsile" with him. I haven't seen very much of my parents either.
I do know of a case where a mother threw her boyfriend(the love of her life) out of the house for asking her adult daughter for s*x. I have heard of cases of families that say that they have were able to overcome these kinds of problems. In a perfect world a family would be supportive. But it is hard to say how your family would react . Are you thinking about telling your family what happened?
@adventurousBranch3786
Your brothers behaviour 😵. He sounds out of control. Thats horrific that you had to endure that.
Your parents response is interesting isnt it? Because as an outsider it leaves me incredulous. But I guess for them they were trying to avoid making a choice. If you were able to reconcile with your brother, they wouldnt have to declare a side....you could continue playing ‘happy families. Of course, it would have been a myth. Their happiness would have been at your expense.
Thats where Im at. Im staying quiet so as not to hurt my mum. My brother agrees she shouldnt hear about the accusations Ive made to him. He says theyre false, that my memorys faulty in some way. I know what happened though. I just wonder if mum may be able to provide some clarity, to back up my recollection of events. But then at what cost to her? And what do I really achieve from it? I know the truth, I just want my brother to acknowledge it. But theres no certainty he would, and I risk breaking the family up if the truth were out there, and killing my poor mum off I fear.
I dont suppose theres a right answer to this. If the truth was out it may settle me on that matter. But then I would have to live with the collateral damage caused by such a bombshell, and Im not sure my conscience could take that.
Thanks for sharing your situation. I hope youre okay and have managed to move beyond the fall out of your damaged childhood, and the damage your family members actions, or lack of action, continues to create. Remember it was your brothers initial actions that created this whole situation, and he holds responsibility for all the pain and suffering that has stemmed from his disgraceful behaviour.
@BestIcanbe i can relate to the staying quiet. My mom passed a few years ago now. I'm the opposite. My mom and stepdad were my abusers. My brothers know nothing about it. They know some of what my stepdad but do not know my mom's role.
She's gone now. Nothing good can come from me telling my brothers what she did. They love their mom and if i did tell them it would not only hurt the little but of a relationship i have with them but it would also traumatize them because the woman they love and cherish so much could do something so horrible.
Ive chosen to stay quiet. I'm the only one that needs tu know my truth.
@Dragonfly1985
I so admire your bravery.
Was it harder keeping her secret when she was alive I wonder....
@BestIcanbe honestly it was easier. Because when people die their loved ones only want to remember the good things. At least when they are alive people accept their flaws. Now i just contend withthe memory.
@Dragonfly1985
I could cry for you! Im not sure it would help you. It may only help me. Its just so wrong that youre left keeping such massive secrets. Well, maybe you dont think that, and good on you if you dont. But I bitterly resent it.
Im so very sorry that you have to contend with everyones memories of this perfect dead person. When you know different.
@BestIcanbe honestly I'm not really bitter. Sometimes i feel alone with my secrets. I don't hate my mom. I love her. Its hard when they idolize her and i know her better than them. I think it's more just being alone with my thoughts that sucks.
@Dragonfly1985
Yes, and midnight thoughts are the worst!
@BestIcanbe Good luck with your decision. I hope that you have someone that you trust to talk about this with. I don't think that my parents were crushed by the knowledge. My mother confessed to me her motivation before she died. She said that she felt guilty about how he was because she felt that she had passed on mental illness to him.
@adventurousBranch3786 Thank you, I am okay.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thats the difficulty really. I dont have anyone I feel able to share it all with. I go round in such circles with it I would bore any friends to death. I was seeing a counsellor which certainly got things moving along for me. But its so expensive to keep seeing her and largely having the same debate because my thoughts and feelings switch so easily. So for now Im on my own. But with Christmas approaching and the inevitable family gatherings, Im not doing so well with it.
@adventurousBranch3786 Hey again can you pop me a message into y private mail box lovely to chat think I can help with this from my own stuff I know. I'm a listener so you should be able to mail me I tried to mail you but don't have that option. If you can't do it on this member side I can find you on listener profile instead let me know would love to have a blether with you think we can help each other 🥰
@MentalWanderlust Thank you for the offer , I may do that sometime.
@adventurousBranch3786 Thank you for the reply I hope you're well. 😊
Hey @BestIcanbe
Hey @BestIcanbe would you like to chat I can relate and feel I can help if I you want to talk privately you can message my listener account (which is the handle on this message) and I can share some things with you about my own life etc. Hope to chat soon and I hope you're doing ok today. Thank you for sharing this post it just have taken a lot to do so with something so personal and sensitive experience to be open about. Sending much love and admiration 🙏🏼😊
I to was sexually abused by my brother and it started when I was 9. I'm 56 now and I thought I was over it but his daughter just recently had a daughter herself, making him a Grandfather and I'm just sick to death. I have a large family and I've told some of them what happened to me and my sisters in hopes it would protect the our nieces. But honestly I don't know if those people believed us! My sisters and I don't do family gatherings with the brothers who sexually abused us since our Mother passed away ten years ago. But the rest of the family still gets together with a the nieces and nephews. Is it time they know the truth so this never happens again? What if it never happened again and my telling his daughter ruins the perfect world she thought she had? What if I say nothing and he does do it again? I'd never be able to forgive myself! But it's for that exact same reason that I told his wife a long, long time ago what he did to me so she could protect her daughter! But her reaction was minimal and she never mentioned it again. We don't know if our brother convinced her we were lying or what. I'm so mentally exhausted over this, I don't know what to do!! I promise once I'm pass this I'll be so helpful to everyone else, I want to be there for you guys!!
@Trinity63
I so feel for you on this.
And the effects just ripple on for so long afterwards dont they?
Its so hard to know what to do for the best. So many what ifs.
@BestIcanbe
You know I've been thinking about all the turmoil everyone posting has gone through and is going through and it makes me so upset to think that these men aren't, not most of them anyway. The holidays were a very big ordeal in my family, polished silverware and the whole nine yards. So lots of parties with elephants and when my Mom passed it was so hard to say goodbye to her but at the same time there was a freedom I had never felt before! Never pretending to like those sick depraved men ever again!!
@Trinity63 I think that what you talk about wanting to protect other family members is a noble thing.
Hi, Has anyone ever considered family therapy? I never tried this but someone sugested it to me. Also I was told about therapy for gaining skills to cope with the family situation (even if you decide not to disclose what happened).