Blurry and Dark Past (Trigger warning)

@unassumingSummer6022

I'm so sorry you had to endure this experience, and that you feel there may have been more events than just this one. I think the patchy memory is meant to be the brains way of coping with the trauma - a protection almost, allowing you to process what happened in time, rather than be immediately overwhelmed by the full recall of what you were subjected to. But I know as an adult it can be really hard having those gaps, as there's a tendency to fill them with all sorts of images. Try not to torture yourself with that - it's not helpful as you're just imagining maybes, and that in itself could be more traumatic than the actual event you endured.

You say you're haunted by what you recall, and you seem troubled by the fact your body responded. The body response truly is an involuntary reaction, a natural reaction to stimulus too. It doesn't mean you wanted what happened, far from it. It wasn't your fault then, and it's not now. You say you were 7 at most, just a child - whereas your aunt was an adult. What she did was wrong. Please don't blame yourself for her actions.

You write about feeling very ashamed. Shame really is a pernicious response to such events. Think about it - she was the adult, she knew what she was doing, and just as you now see it for what it was, she would have known it was wrong. The shame is hers dear friend, not yours. Never yours.

The trauma community here on 7 cups is a supportive and compassionate group of people, and they will understand and support. Please don't be alone with your memories of this. Most of all please accept - this was not your fault, you're not to blame, and you have nothing to feel ashamed of.

@DeborahUK

Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion. I think you said what I needed to hear - that it wasn't my fault. It's like logically I realize this, but often times logic falls away when those intense emotions creep up. I had many incidents like these throughout my childhood and over time it caused me to act out In a lot of ways. That also brings me shame. But I was a good kid. Always tried to appease my narcissistic mother and alcoholic father. Tried to get good grades. I was just in an impossible situation. The adults around me either neglected me or took advantage of me. I never had the option of being around the tolerable people in my family as my sister and I were isolated from them.

I think you bring up a good point about trying to figure out the blank spots. It does seem to bring me more emotional pain. I think it's that yearning for knowing the whole truth and having the extra validation. I've struggled a lot with this since my mother passed 2 years ago. I found myself remembering things I thought were long gone. The more I've thought about it the more I realize that I already know. So I'm gonna try not to obsess over what I don't know.

This is the first time I've really posted this memory. Talking about it is making me feel better.

Once again thank you. I needed to hear that.

@unassumingSummer6022

Hey, I'm glad it helped :)

I'm a great believer in the power of sharing your thoughts and feelings. I wasn't, not for years, but then I learnt the hard way that bottling stuff up really doesn't help long term. There's a daily check in thread for the trauma community. You don't have to post daily, you don't have to post at all, but it is somewhere you can share what's on your mind and be assured of a response from people who have some understanding of your fight. Today's check in is here

And it is a fight. You sound like you have a lot in your past to contend with, and although you try not to reflect on it too much, it's always there. But do try not to add to your load by kicking yourself for your actions. As you say, you were a good kid.

Good: you did nothing to merit the abuse you endured.

Kid: you were an innocent child, let down by adults who should have known better and acted better.

But please know now, you're not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for the help and support you deserve.

@DeborahUK

Again, thanks so much for your kindness and understanding. And thanks for all of your suggestions.

Once again, I'm also learning the hard way that bottling up things is harming me more than helping. There was a time when I was more open in online sites and groups (and even therapy for a bit) about my past and I did benefit from it. Then it seemed like once my mother's cancer came back and ultimately took her away, I just slowly closed up again (especially with the trauma it stirred up inside of me). That eventually led to me going on 7 cups and the longer I've been here the more I've slowly opened up.

I'll admit, her death, past trauma, and the awful things that happened around the time of her passing had me so rattled that I could barely tell up from down. I couldn't see my future or goals through the thick fog surrounding me. Everything stopped. I was super indecisive, numb, and so easily thrown off and triggered that even my health went down hill. I spent the first year after she died going to hospitals as I had a big health scare not long after she'd died.

It's just that the past couple of years have been very heavy, and I've been slowly tunneling out of that dark, confusing place I'd fallen into. You are absolutely right. Talking about the pain helps. I'm learning that again, more and more each day. I don't want to carry all of this in silence.

​Again, thanks for your help.