She's Still There book

Adding to my reading list, thank you. I haven't read all the posts but this sounds like a fascinating and very healing book. Thank you for sharing this with us while you're on your journey and inviting the community to be part of it with you. I find it very brave and wholesome. I hope we can all find the healing and safety we deserve as we continue to grow and learn.

It's been quiet awhile since I have done a post to my forum over the book, I was taking the time to really soak in what was being read and said through out each chapter being answered. As well, as applying each way to love the inner little girl within, now without further or do, here is chapter 22🤗.

Tw: Healing/ Recovery/ Raw emotions/ Total Honesty

Chapter 22: Be Your Own Bestfriend ( Coach Yourself) 

This chapter remind me of when I saw that my friend became a CNA, and I thought to myself "congratulations to her, I'm super proud of her." There was no shred of jealousy, just pure happiness, her hardwork officially paid off. Then it hit me, that I did the same thing here the countless hours of being a listener and a member, from hosting many sessions, being a room supporter and eventually going for moderator, because I want to help those in need. I coached myself throughout this entire process and made sure that I could do this by writing little sticky notes. Sometimes, another's successes can remind you of what you are doing that is currently a success within itself. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "silence the Negative talk" - Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1.When it comes to how you talk about yourself and your life. do you normally lean positively or negatively? Why do you think that is? 

- In the beginning, my childhood was rough and bumpy so it was negative up until I reach my mid twenties, then I started to shift my perspective, open myself to receiving the blessing that I am getting now and extremely grateful for the things that have been given to me an my little family 🤗. I  feel that the reason I thought so terribly of my life at first is due to the chaotic nature I was raised in, and now that I am an adult, I can make that peace myself so it's more positive. 

2. If you were a good friend to you, what would you say about yourself? How would you encourage yourself? 

- I feel that if I was a good friend to myself, I would say " You are a kind, caring, compassionate and very nurturing person. It is not your fault that a lot of people took advantage of that misleading you with their intentions and playing innocent when you finally snapped." as for the encouragement, I would say, "  You are doing such a great job holding firm healthy boundaries, going no contact when it's necessary and educating yourself on what you went through so you can spot it, and stop it before it happens, as well as helping others' with your truth, keep going it's being noticed." 

Respond: Write down three encouraging statements a good friend might say about you. Write those things down. Keep that list handy, and when you find yourself being more critical of yourself than you are supportive, use your mouth to coach yourself. 

Pick one of those statements and say it out loud, right now, to yourself.  

Tw: healing/recovery/feelings/Flashbacks/Fear 

I know it's been a bit since, I have written about how a chapter made me feel, but I was taking time to reflect on how the last one made me feel, and I have been my own best friend more often, I feel very accomplished with being able to thoroughly process it🤗

Chapter 23: The Monster in Your Mind (Coach Your Head) 

While I was reading this chapter it reminded me of a moment in time, that I spooked myself out. I was walking home from work, and the street lights usually came on so I stayed in those lit areas just out of precaution for myself. One night, I came home late from work so it was already pretty late, the cars on the street were starting to become less. As I was walking, I had noticed that the street lights were out and the only light was from gas station. So I began my walk home, hesitant of course because who in their right mind wants to walk through a dark street late at night with no one insight in case of an emergency. As my walk continued, I felt like I was being watched so I would keep my eyes peeled for anything. I heard a twig branch break behind me, and my heart started pounding faster, sweat beginning to bead up at my forehead then through the crack of a fence the gas station light poured through and realized it was a stray cat just roaming around.

Reflection: "Examine your thoughts in the light of the higher being's thoughts towards you." - Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. What thoughts do you have that steal your hope, your joy, or your motivation?

- Lately, the thoughts that have been stealing my motivation/joy has been mom guilt. I know that I am doing everything that I can, but somedays just get the best of me, and I end up crying over it. Crying is healthy so of course I let the tears fall and tell my fiancee about what is bugging me, so he can best support me. 

2. Do you typically entertain those thoughts or fight back with truth? Why?

- I'm not going to lie, in the beginning I did entertain the thought of not being a good enough mom, and I would allow myself to sink some days. Now, that I have been journaling, having a support team which includes my fiancee, I have gotten a lot better with fighting back though negative thoughts/feelings.

3. What is one favorite truth from affirmations that gives you hope, stirs up joy, or motivates you to action?

- I would have to say that the best affirmation that gives me these feelings is this one, " I can be empathetic and compassionate, an still say no to someone's crap." 

Respond: 

- The next time you struggle with entertaining a destructive thought, search for an affirmation on that topic that will shine the light of truth on the monster in your mind. Keep a running list of affirmations and build up your "truth bank" -true thoughts that replace the false ones.

- Plan a good time and place to regularly get your thoughts out of your head. Write them down or share them with a friend/ significant other, but examine your thoughts regularly. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Thoughts/ Mentions of being bullied/ Mentions of abuse & S.A

I had to take sometime to process this chapter just like the last few, because it really had me thinking for awhile and now I'm ready to share my thoughts on this chapter.

Chapter 24: Swim Against the Current (Coach your Heart) 

This chapter really made me think of myself in a very in-depth about myself. I even wrote an entry regarding this chapter and i said in the entry," This chapter made me realize three important things about myself. 1. I'm logical and emotionally led, 2. I vocalize my feelings respectfully, most of the time my feelings are ignored or talked over, and 3. That the way I lead my thoughts and emotions is unique. This chapter really opened my eyes of confirmation that I've been on the right track the entire time. However, there are people that just like to see someone snap just for enjoyment or because they enjoy watching someone suffer. An with a logically, but empathetic person like myself. It makes others' easily jealous, angry or just want to press buttons sometimes." 

Reflections:

Remember: "You are not the sum total of how you feel."- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Has your heart ever led you astray? Did you know the truth, or did you ignore it?

- There is one situation that I can really say that I knew the truth too, my daughter's bio said to me one day " You are nothing but sour dirt.", which in my brain I knew what that meant there was previous decay from previous damage, but I can still grow into something beautiful. It was a back handed compliment, which I turned into the biggest form of empowerment and it really made him angry, because each insult was turned into something beautiful. 

2. Are you emotional "sharer" or an emotional "stuffer"? What could be helpful and hurtful about each? 

- Ironically I have two situations for both as to why either can be harmful or helpful. The situation was when I was pregnant, my daughter's bio had molested me in my sleep. At that point in time I was an emotional sharer so I told him the things that really messed me up, and he did a repeat of the things that had been done to me before in a previous abusive relationship. It was helpful to be an emotional sharer, because I wanted to be honest and upfront, however it became harmful because he started to display the same behavior I dealt with in the past. A lot of reactive abuse was done, along with emotional manipulation/abuse. The other situation was when my ex best friend was treating me like absolute garbage, and each time I tried to express my emotions. I would either be bullied into submission or being quiet, so I became an emotional stuffer out of because I was tired of being bullied into submission or her talking about constantly behind my back. It was helpful in the moment, because when I stopped expressing myself or even saying anything she would run out of things to talk about and try to get me to talk. It was harmful, because she would take advantage of that too and try to use my silence against me. 

3. How best do you process your emotions? Alone or with a friend? Talking it out or writing it down? Slow and easy or fast and furious?

- I do best with processing my emotions alone, and when I am comfortable enough I can express with my significant other or trusted friend when I am ready. I usually now that I am more recovered/healed, I do more of talking it out. Sometimes I do write it down, because I have a journal for very topic heavy things. I like slow and easy. I dislike being rushed or expected to be 100% trusting the first time I meet people.

Respond: The next time you are experiencing a strong emotion, hold it in the light of truth. Ask yourself the five W's -who, what, when, why and where - and evaluate how you feel in the light of the higher being's word. Then act on truth.

Tw: healing/recovery/ mentions of abuse/ thoughts/ reflections

Sidenote: It has been a while since I have read a chapter, due to being busy and all especially with the holidays taking most of my attention. An soaking up the last few chapter's and really putting in the work and changing. Progress is progress no matter how big or small.

Chapter 25: Put A Little Sugar On It ( Coach your hands) 

So this chapter really had me thinking about the inner relationship with myself and with those around me, it has been a huge guiding beacon for me because it rose some valid points that I have been trying to express to those around me an even to myself. 

Reflections: 

Remember: " Listen to your life"- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Listen to your life. What hopes do you have for it? 

- The biggest hopes for my life is that my little family and I stay protected from anything sent out to harm us in anyway, that eventually we can get a bigger place and I can get my goals accomplished as an individual. 

2. What about your life would you like to change in the next year?

- I feel that the areas I need improvement on are speaking my feelings and upholding them without the fear of hurting someone else's feelings. Sometimes feelings are meant to be spoken, honesty is the best policy and you can not pave a way forward without it. 

3. Our thoughts and our feelings inform us, but they don't get anything done. What action needs to accompany your hopes and desires?

- The action that needs to be followed is a better budget, keeping an eye on what is being spent and continue to work hard for the things that need to be done in time. It is not a race, slow and steady wins the race.

Respond: Walk through the ninety-day exercise presented in this chapter. Identify a goal you would like to work toward. Pick three things you can do to work toward the goal. Make those tasks a priority and decide on a point in the future when you will review your progress. 

Tw: healing/recovery/ mentions of abuse/ thoughts/ reflections/ mentions of religion

Sidenote: I apologize for the lack of shares of the chapters, I have been through the moving process with my fiancée and daughter. I also needed time to process this chapter and it made me think about it entirely.

Chapter 26: Practice An Attitude of Gratitude ( Choose Celebration) 

When it comes to celebration it can be intimidating, because to me celebrations are usually meant just for achievements and major milestones. As I have grown into an adult, become a mother and also now a wife (here soon) I have realized that you can celebrate anything. You can celebrate being sober, being away from someone who has caused you emotional/mental, and even psychological harm. Of course, forgiveness also ties into celebration, because you have to forgive yourself for not knowing the joyous feeling of unconditional love and support while. I feel like this chapter was the most important for me to soak in because my fiancée and I celebrated with our daughter about moving into our townhouse. Sometimes the smallest victories hold the most important lessons.

Remember: "Celebration is the way you mark the moments of your life." - Chrystal hursts 

Reflections: 

Reflect: 

• Does celebration come naturally to you? Why or why not?  Celebration used to be foreign to me because from childhood/teenage years celebrations were not that important over small things ( sobriety, lifestyle changes, or even being out of toxic situations )  
• When do you take time to celebrate? Do you only celebrate milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions or do you celebrate the everyday? Now as an adult, I take time to celebrate the small things and each day, thank god for the blessings that I have received, and continue to be grateful for all that I have every day.
• What could celebrating your everyday look like? Celebrating for me looks like praying and showing god gratitude for the things I have in my life currently, as well as taking time to celebrate the little milestones and achievements with my family, as well as the big events.

Respond: Spend time today noting what's right in your life. As part of your reflection. Thank God for what's right in your life. Practice Gratitude.

Tw: Healing journey/ Mentions of thoughts, reflections, and religion

I had to take a moment to soak in the last chapter honestly. Therefore, I took the time to sit with the emotions and the feelings the chapter brought forward. Here are the thoughts and reflections of the next chapter. 

Chapter 27: Run Your Race ( Choose Freedom) 

This chapter reminded me of the situation I dealt with last night. I say this because a lot of people get too comfortable comparing someone to another and thinking that it is okay. I can not say that I have not done this, I have and I am guilty of it. Therefore, I have stopped it. However, I can not control other people, and they still do it to me. I have had to put a female friend back down from her assumption, because she was romanticizing the life that I have now, without putting the many obstacles and amounts of climbing that I had to do to get to this point. I am still not perfect, so I am still climbing, and going through obstacles, just like everyone else. Her comparison of me was very hurtful and invalidated my growth quite a bit. Another situation that happened was when my child's godfather assumed that the person he was talking to had been through far more severe trauma and abuse than I have. Which hurt my feelings, because he invalidated my emotions, and also compared traumatic experiences as if there were levels, and the person was somehow winning the race of being more damaged. I immediately corrected his comment, and he apologized. The takeaway from the lessons I have learned through these moments is that it's okay for someone to be sad about not having something, but it is not okay to compare themselves to you or someone else. 

Remember: " God will not ask you how you lived your life in comparison with other people"- Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

• Who do you typically compare yourself with? Name a person or simply a type of person ( Married, Financially secure, Driven, Thin, etc.) 
  - To be honest, I used to compare myself to my female friend, because of how everyone would compare us. At the time, I thought it was right, but as I have grown older. I stopped doing that because there was no need to compare myself to someone else. I enjoy being me, quirks and all. 
•  Why do you compare yourself? In what areas of your life are you envious of others?
  - I never was envious of anyone, I always wanted everyone to be happy and see them win, same feelings as an adult. When I was comparing myself, it was because others were doing it already. They were comparing how similar, and this female friend was.  It also happened again with me and another female friend, the people comparing us were guys that wanted to be with us or couldn't choose between us. As an adult this type of behavior is quite disrespectful to both of us and rather insulting, there is no charming factor in comparing. 
• Take a moment and practice contentment. What's right in your life? What's good about your life today?  I have been practicing contentment, and have been for years now. Currently, what is going right is living with my soon-to-be husband and daughter, upgraded to the townhouse, working from home, having supportive friends, going to church each Sunday, self-help books, and planning for a wedding. There are a lot of positives in my life, that I am grateful to god for. 

Respond: Knowing that you are ultimately living for an audience of one, what are your benchmarks? What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to be? What does God require of you? 
- My benchmarks are to be myself, be authentic, and live a happy life with my family. I want to achieve my wedding with my soon-to-be husband, expand our family some more, eventually get a second car, and prepare our daughter for pre-k soon. I just want to be a good enough mom, flaws and all, as well as a wife to a loving, supportive husband/step-up dad. God wants me to keep trusting the flow of our bond, and connection as a family, continue to trust, and keep the faith in knowing that I am winning already.