She's Still There book

Tw: Healing/recovery/talks of many abuses/raw emotions 

Chapter 12: Sleeping by the Window ( Nurturing your soul) 

This chapter remind me of when I was a child that I would always wanted to build pillow forts, have all of the soft blankets at the bottom of the fort with a light and books to read. I found out as a child that the pillow forts were a safe haven for me, because it allowed me to escape the reality of the toxicity within my household. During these moments, I would have the biggest smile on my face, as I grew older I would be yelled at for indulging in such activity and would be told to "act my age", and stop being so childish an do what a so/so age would do. As an adult now with a child of my own, I can say the way that I was raised will not be the way she is raised. She is full of wonder, happiness and smiles. An she is allowed to live her life whatever way she choices, I will always be her biggest supporter. Now that I am the parent, I have introduced her to snuggle pillows when she feels sad or cuddling during tv time so that she gets her bonding time with both my fiancé and myself. Nurturing  my soul this way has not only benefited me, but also my small family.

Reflections: 

Remember: "Choose to nurture your soul by cultivating joy." -Chrystal Hurst

Reflection: 

1.Simple joys matter. What can you engage in with your sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing that will make you smile?

- By sight, I can look at the ocean. By smell, I can smell a essence stick being burned or candle. By touch, I can be held by my fiancé or daughter. By taste, i can eat a comfort food that i have been craving.  By hearing, I can listen to my fiancé talk about his day, daughter sing or recite what she has been learning, along with music. 

 2. Significant relationships matter. What person should you make time to talk to or be with? Give them a call or send them a text and plan a time to hang out. 

- That would be calling my grandparents more, making more time for them to see my daughter. Along with spending more quality time with my daughter and fiancé. 

3. The Higher being gives you joy. When will you make time to read their love letter to you and listen to their direction?

- I actually take time to do my oracle cards every morning and write down what is being told of me during the day, an listen to how i can make things more positive, will continuing to implement more things like boundaries, continuing to enjoy my blessings and so on forth. 

Respond: Make a list of things that nurture your soul and give you energy. Post the list in plain view. Refer to it often.

Tw: healing/recovery/raw emotions/ talks of many abuses/Pregnancy/ Miscarriages 

Chapter 13: A Labor of Love ( Finding your purpose in pain) 

This chapter hit home for me in many ways then one, I remember my first miscarriage. I was painful and I was not only hurting mentally, but I was hurting emotionally and physically too. No one knew that I was going through this, because I was beyond hurt from what I was dealing with beside what was going on. However as time went on I did manage to muster the strength to tell a few. Another miscarriage, I had was before i had my toddler. It was once again painful and draining to deal with. Before having my daughter, whom is my rainbow child. I was told that it would always be hard for me to have a child, so I also kept that news to myself till I had the mustered will power to tell others'. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was heavily disrespected by daughter's bio father's family and him, so the situation was very traumatizing. When I finally escaped free of his clutches, I went no contact. I'm doing a lot better, i do have my moments here and there. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "Your pain has a purpose."- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Is there a painful experience from your past that you've not dealt with?

- Honestly, I have pretty much dealt with them all, to the extent I could especially with how my daughter's bio is/ can be it was much safer to go no contact with him. There was no middle ground because he was quick to jump to conclusions. So for the betterment for my mental health and our daughter's. 

2.  How has pain served a purpose in your life? Has it helped you or made it possible for to help someone else?

- All of the painful events I have been through has taught me valuable lessons, and everything I have went through has been survival guide for someone else.

3. If you are in painful situation, do you to ask for help? What might help you pay attention to the condition of your soul?

- If I was in on, yes I would ask for the help. What has been helping me with keeping attention to my soul is writing/journaling my feelings out an actually being able to see the damage. 

Respond: Going through a particularly rough time? Pray/ speak some affirmations 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Talks of many abuses 

Chapter 14: Rockin' Hot Chocolate ( Do what you can with what you have) 

As I was reading this chapter, it took me back to when I first walked through the doors viewing the very apartment I am sitting in now. My fiancé's face and mine were over the moon, we were so happy to have this little place our own. Reading this reminded me to now to wait on things even when we think it is not doable, to live our lives happily. It was a great reminder to live in the moment.

Reflections:

Remember: " You never know what can come tomorrow from doing what you can today." - Chrystal Hurst 

Reflections: 

1. What are you pushing pause on in your life?

- Currently it would be getting my ged, but I have actually started looking around an getting more information about it, do to it. As well as getting my permit. 

2. Do you feel like the higher being can use you? Why or why not?

- I feel like they can because a lot of my past issues have been lessons as well as taking notice of how much progress I have made, and the way certain things have went.

3. What actions or opportunities are in front of you? Are you acting on them? Why or why not?

- Getting married, my fiancé and I officially started planning for the event. We started picking out the colors, the theme. Going through the list of songs and just allowing the process to flow. 

Respond: Don't focus on what you can't do. Think about what is possible. What does "doing what you can" look like right now? Make a list of actions you can take right now, big or small. Remember, you can always do something. <3 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Memories 

Chapter 15: An Answer. Not The Answer (The process of your Progress) 

This chapter was bittersweet for me, because it remind me of when I first picked up the pencil and started drawing. I wouldn't stop, I would just keep drawing, and I expanded outward to to editing pictures into something I feel is better or just letting my imagination flow. 

Reflections: 

Remember:  "Build on the gifts the higher being(s) gave you." -Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. What can you do to build on the gifts God has given you? 

- I have been using the you draw app making fusion characters or drawing a character in the art style of the other character that comes up. Honestly, sometimes I laugh at it because it's very comical the two characters it wants me combine together or the drawing the character in the specified style. Sometimes the characters come out quirky, funny and amusing. Another gift, I work on is my ability to edit pictures and allow my imagination to run wild. I started recently making tattoo concepts with it yesterday. As well as strengthen my energy while reading oracle cards and tarot cards for myself/others.

2. Are you making room to do things that you love? Why or why not?

-Absolutely I have from drawing more, creative writing and being more fluid with my imagination that comes from my head when I edit the pictures or draw something out. I allow it to flow, I enjoy doing things like this. I also now allow myself to feel called to read the oracle/tarot cards, it provides more insight that way. 

3. What is an answer you can take answer on today? 

-Going to the gym to see if they have a family plan, so my fiancé and I can start working out again. Which we both love doing, especially me because I want to get back to a more healthier weight and that way my fiancé can go back to his safe space. Allow myself to feel the energy around me and let the energy call me to the tarot/oracle cards. 

4. What small step can you take to steward the gifts the higher being(s) have given you? 

-I can continue to practice my editing/drawing more and also eat healthier, drink more water and cut back on the sugary foods. As well as cleanse my sacred space more often, allow the negative energies to diminish and cleanse/charge up my crystals more.  

Respond: Since you are the steward of the gifts, abilities, interests, and nature God has given you, what small step can you take today to build on what you've been given? Consider what you can do to develop the gift of you.

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Flashbacks/Child birth & Labor 

Chapter 16: Dig Deep ( Focus on the Finish) 

This chapter gave me a flashback of when I was in Softball. I remember when I first started playing, telling myself, "I don't think I can get this home run and get myself an everyone else home." I heard a whisper in my head telling me, "just swing." Therefore I drew a deep breathe analyzed the the softball coming in and just swung like the voice in my head told me so. I got the homerun, I was able to bring all of us into home. This also reminded me of when I was going into labor with my daughter ( don't worry I will spare all of gory details). I was in immense pain, I already was trying to push with the contractions and ignore the pain, however she was backwards and they had told me that if she did not come out that there would be a c-section. A voice within my head said "Just push" and I kept looking at my nurse team scared and telling them that I couldn't do it anymore and the nurse looked at me with loving eyes an said " Yes you can you are doing it already, just keep going" so I followed what the voice in my head was said. 

Reflections: 

Respond: " Dig deep and focus on the finish." -Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. What hinders you from staying focused?

- My ADHD lmao, which I have been getting more focused each time I work on it.

2. What is the hardest part of focus for you? Making the decision, picking direction, using discernment, or exercising discipline? How could you work on that?

-For me, it was the making the selection because of so many opportunities being provided, as using my discernment and exercising discipline due to my ADHD. However that was in the past now I have an easier time and have no problem with it now. I worked on it by recognizing what boundaries were crossed, what I felt during the time, what I could do to improve myself and keep moving forward.

3. In what area of your life is focus most needed? 

-Right now, my focus is on my little family. My toddler, my fiancé and myself are more important than the drama within the outside world and those that bring us drama. 

Tw: healing/recovery/ raw emotions/talks of many abuses 

Chapter 17: Analysis Paralysis ( Make a decision) 

This chapter gave me so much inspiration, especially with my creative mind bursting out the seems with excitement. Each time, I pick up this book it gives me more faith each day to believe that good things can happen. As well as reminds me of the time, that I made the decision to leave each person that abused me in different ways, of course each time it stung because of the sadness, but at the end of it all it was rewarding. 

Reflections: 

Respond: "Sometimes the best decisions you can make is simply make a decision." -Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. How have you seen analysis paralysis active in your life? What has analysis paralysis prevented you from accomplishing?

- Honestly, there is so many choices for the theme of for me and fiancé's wedding. An ever little cute thing I want to do and I know that our resources are limited because we want to do a budget friendly wedding, but everything is just so darn cute >.<

2. Where in your life do you need to make a decision?

- Currently it's the decisions for the wedding, because of all the endless decisions and possibilities of how cute it can be

3. Why do you the decision has been hard to make?

- The endless choices and how many cute things I have found that I have wanted to implement, along with involving the cute things that he has found. My adhd has not been friendly with me about it lol. 

Respond: Challenge yourself to make some small decision today. Solidify that decision by writing it  down, putting it in a place where you can see it, and then pick up the phone and share it with someone else for accountability. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Self-care/ Weight managements/ Weight Issues/ E.D 

This is very topic heavy stuff, so if it triggers or brings back memories. It's perfectly okay and normal to scroll past 💗

Chapter 18: Forty and fat ( Maintain you direction by paying attention) 

This chapter remind me that it was okay to have moments of self-care away from others'. An that it was perfectly normal to do so, because being on autopilot 24/7 is harmful and will only cause further damage to your mental and emotional. I'm glad that I have been reviewing each decision that I have ever made thus far, now I can for sure say that I have made some mistakes along the way, but I would not be where I am today without making those hard calls and doing what needed to be done for my daughter and myself. Now this chapter also remind me of when I was younger, I never had a single problem with my weight but my mom did. She would always fear monger me into not eating certain things, because she didn't want me to be "overweight". I shall paint a picture for you all, I was 4'8 and only in the 150ish range, I was a little chubby but also had the curves. I never had a single weight problem till I reached my late teens, because I had to lose weight for my own sweet 16 dress, when I was not even overweight. My mom had this ideal image in her head what "perfect" looked like. She would make going to the gym a chore, which is why for a while I fluctuate with weight a lot because I did not see the enjoyment. My father was no better he would also make being healthy a chore, because was military at the time so he saw no difference in how he spoke to me and his soldiers. My E.D started up and it was real bad, I would skip meals because I wanted to make them proud, which then turned into me binge eating from sadness as an adult because of their constant comments on my weight. Now as a mom of a toddler, I want to be healthy but also teach her that not everyone's bodies are the same and that it's okay to look a little different. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "Practice the art of paying attention"- Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. In what area of your life do you tend to drift of course?

- When it comes to losing weight, due to all the negative things that have happened. I tend to be cautious about it and do what I can when i can, which I have gotten better with because I have dropped significant weight now that I have put the past behind me and started paying attention to the here an now. 

2. How do you know when you are drifting?

- When I stop making time for the gym, and start finding every excuse as to why I do not have the time. When I can make time for it and do what is best for my health.

3. How can paying attention to your life help you focus and stay on track?

- It helps by showing me what can be done presently, and that I have the ability to do what I can for my physical health, even my mental and emotional health. Which I have gotten a lot better at and been more time for the gym.

Respond: What tip for paying attention resonates most with you? How will you utilize that tip in your day to day life? Think about your answer. Then write it down. 

Tw: Healing/ Recovery/ Flashbacks/ Memories/ Raw emotions 

Chapter 19: People, Places and Things ( Use Discernment) 

This chapter gave me a flashback, of when I was in Highschool, in JROTC in fact. I remember I was being constantly antagonized by people, the remarks were becoming annoying. So I picked up speed, I hardly recognized myself. Me, the person that walked in the back of company runs because she had a messed up knee, was running? That question still remains unsolved/ unanswered. I had ran so far ahead, I finished first. Everyone in shock, including the instructors. Now when it comes to support and those that support me, I have that now as an adult more so than I had as a child. I haven't been in a positive environment till now and I have been more positive with the things I do now vs when I was a child, I can still say there is room for improvement. 

Reflections: 

Remember: " Align your environment with your ambitions." - Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Who do you have in your life who supports you, joins you, or gives you direction? Who are you supporting, joining and giving direction?

- My in-laws, fiancé, my small group of friends, my nana, my Wela, my Tio Antonio and my sister. I support, my toddler, fiancé, my small group of friends, my nana, my Wela, my Tio Antonio and my sister. 

2. How is your environment helping you focus? If it's not helping, what can you do to change that? What place will better position you to head toward the finish line?

- My environment helps me focus by being around the people I love as in my toddler and my fiancé.  There's some areas to improve like organization and staying on top of cleaning (but we are both exhausted because we both work hard). The only thing that would help in success is just staying on track and keeping up with cleaning.

3. What things in your life create distraction? What things do you need in your life help you be the person you are trying to be?

- The most distraction I have right now is nothing, being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me and so is being a wife. Spending time with my family is never a distraction at least in my eyes. I believe that I need more motivation for the gym to be a daily thing on my end, and to continue to be more positive minded allowing all the blessings to flow, an that it's okay to have my down days just don't stay in them.

Respond: Take a piece of paper and make three columns on each side. On one side write " Good Discernment." List the people, places and things that represent good discernment on your part. On the other "Poor Discernment." List the people, places and things that illustrate your need to use more discernment in your life. Now pick something off the "Poor Discernment" side of paper and decide what you can do to let that person, place or thing go. 

TW: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Memories/Death of family members

Chapter 20: A Gift You Give Yourself ( Exercise Discipline ) 

This chapter took me back to when my great great grandma margarita (mama) was still alive. She was the ripe age of 105 when she passed, she lived a long life and hearing her stories told by her daughter ( my Wela, who is one of nine) would always tell me. My Wela would tell me that her mom was a strong, independent and loving woman, sometimes stubborn. She owned a ranch in Puerto Rico for a long time, and would always tend to them even when she was in 80s. She was one of the strongest women I know, aside from my Wela Maria who passed when she was 98 years old. She was another strong woman, that I still look up to this day. My Wela Vicenta is also a very strong woman too and so is her daughter ( My Nana). My Nana is one of the most loving, sweet, empathetic and caring person I know, she took a lot of abuses when she was with my mom's father but still stood tall, If it wasn't for my Nana and my Wela, I wouldn't be where I am today. They told me a lot about doing for myself, for my daughter in healthier ways than my parent had done. They have been the reasons a lot of my toxic traits have extinguished, of course and my own hard work of doing the work itself. 

Reflections: 

Remember: " The discipline with which you live your life is the foundations on which you live a life that you love." - Chrystal Hurst

Reflect:

1. Have you ever felt a goal that you gave up because of how you felt?

- Yes, I had a goal of becoming a videogame designer because I was very interested in creating characters for games and at the time writing the plot for it. However, my dad did not like that idea and would always brings me down. He would constantly try to talk me into the Airforce and I didn't want that, he would bash each drawing or barely notice it, even if I would show him. Eventually, I stopped drawing and showing him. I started to think "practical" in his words and find something "normal" also his words. 

2. Where in your life do you have discipline? Where do you lack discipline?

- I have discipline in what I let myself deal with and what type of people come around my daughter after all the things we endured together. Especially learning from the things that I have dealt with as a child myself, I wont tolerate the lack of respect for her emotions or mine, nor will I allow the half love, and constant in/out from people. I lack discipline with my firm boundaries because sometimes I feel mean after saying it but then realize that it's not mean to have healthy boundaries for myself and my toddler included. 

3. If discipline is the vehicle through which you accomplish your goals, habits are the tracks on which discipline runs. What habits in your life need to be broken? What habits do you need to build?

- The habits that need to be broken is honestly vaping, it has been a bad habit needing to be rid of. I could do more cleaning, eat healthier (which are all being worked on currently), and going to the gym more. Other things that can be build is being more vulnerable with my partner, allowing my healthy boundaries to flow without feeling remorse for them, and allowing myself to vent out the frustrations I am feeling without gaslighting myself into think I'm not allowed to say the things that have bothered me.

Respond: Discipline is based on actions you do whether or not you feel like doing them. Think of one small task that you have been avoiding. Get up and do it. Practice makes perfect. Discipline is a muscle that you can build.

Tw: healing/recovery/raw emotions/talks of many traumas/memories 

Chapter 21: Five to Seven Yellow Lines ( Just keep going) 

As I read this chapter it remind me all of the times, I got uncomfortable with new things and new opportunities, because it was never what I was used too. The biggest example I can give is when I first got with my fiancé and came down for a visit, meeting his family even his aunt. I was scared out my mind, I was uncomfortable with the thought of meeting new people, but the signs on the road were leading me into this new chapter. Seeing the signs on the road saying things like, "Your next journey begins", " Happiness begins" and always seeing butterflies nearby or passing me and my now fiancé. I took these as good omens, and open myself to meeting his parents, and aunt. He has since meet mine and has a huge beautiful bond with my daughter. I'm glad I listened to the voice in my head while still at my grandparents apartment telling me "This is your time" and " Go, you will enjoy it" and the voice within my head was right, I have.

Reflections: 

Remember: "The key to your journey is to start, and then to keep it going." - Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. What yellow lines are on the road of your life? How is your life marked with your gifts, abilities, interests and nature?

- The yellow lines that I have noticed were allowing myself to meet my in-laws at the start of relationship, as well as let my fiancé meet my daughter. My life has been marked by drawing again, reading again, getting back into painting, and now focusing on planning a wedding. I have also strengthened my intuition and continued to be spiritual. As well as getting to work with my old job again.

2. Have you tried not to follow those lines? Did you stop? Why or why not?

- I almost tried not to because of the un-comfortability of change and new doors opening, however I allowed myself to listen to those signs on the road and the voice within my head. Now I do my best to say "yes" more to new opportunities and events .

3. What have you started that you just need to keep working to finish? Do you know enough to go? What's getting in the way?

- I'm studying for the permit and ged still, I'm almost confident but I do enjoy more study time and nothing is getting in the way but just wanting to study a bit more.

Respond: Sometimes we don't need new information, we just need to utilize the information we already have. What do you already know about your life that you just need to start acting on? Make the decision. Put a date on your next step in that direction. And do it.  Talk to the higher being about your desire to keep moving forward in the life the higher being has given you. Commit to the higher being that you will keep moving down the road of your life starting with your next step.