She's Still There book

TW: Healing/Recovery/Talks of many different Traumas/Raw emotions 

This is a continuation from the other post. Let us begin shall we 🤗. Also if you would like to answer the questions for yourself, please do so 💖.

Chapter 2: Full blow Ugly Cry (You are okay) 

This chapter had me coming to acceptance that what I was taught about crying was false. I was taught at a young age that was for the weak and those that are in quotes "crybabies". I have come to learn that crying is healthy, normal, natural and can be very therapeutic to the soul. 

Reflections:

Remember: "Where are you today is not where you have to be forever."- Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect:

1. When was the last time you let an ugly cry? What caused this? 

- I can recall many, but I will go over one. The cause of this heart shattering cry was when after my past ex and I broke up. A friend of mine was scrolling through social site. An I guess he must have forgotten I have some friends that do care about me and my daughter's well-being. An she screenshotted, showing me that he was already with someone else. All I remember from that moment was grabbing my chest, falling to my knees because I lost balance. An just scream cried that one cry many only do when the love they once felt for someone is completely tarnished and washed away from the agony of the truth. 

2. What difficulties are you facing that you feel buried underneath? 

- Currently the only problem I am having is seeing his name pop up after a 1 and a half of not seeing it in so long on my social site. I still am working through the not giving him any true power over me anymore and living my life happily without him in it. 

3. Even if there is some darkness in your life right now, there is always light if you will just look for it. What is one thing in your life that is right? 

- The light in my life is my daughter, she has seen me at my worst and continues to see me going through this growth. Seeing her smile makes everything disappear and I am able to breathe easier knowing that she loves me, as well as my fiancé and his parents, they have been my biggest supporters 🥰. As well as, myself because I have seen what the dark trenches look like for myself and now I am able to be at peace with knowing I am doing the right steps towards a better future for myself, daughter and fiancé.

Respond: Go to your bathroom or pull a mirror out of your belongings. Tell yourself you are okay and smile. Force the smile if you have to.

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks of different abuses/Raw emotions 

Continuation post 🤗. Let's get into it shall we 🥰. If you wish to answer the questions yourself, please do so💖. 

Chapter 3: Get Out of The Middle of The Road ( Own your story) 

This chapter reminded me of the occasion of when I would continue to do things even when I was hurt, and visibly hurt I may add. There has been numerous moments where I had put my own mental aside and would continue to over extend myself even if it was detrimental to myself emotionally/physically or even spiritually. It also brought out the feelings/emotions that I have been keeping down from when I was SA'ed by my daughter's bio and I just kept fighting for peace within the same place I became broken within. Which I have also come to learn that you can not heal in the places that broke you and even things like over extending have limits. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "Owning your story is an act of strength."- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Are you comfortable owning your story? Why or why not? 

- Yes, I'm comfortable with owning to my story, down to the ugly bits and the good parts. 

2. Is your life measuring up to your expectations? Why or why not? 

- In some ways yes, because I became a mom of amazing toddler that is spunky and wild. An such a joy to be around, and I am breathing everyday. No in some ways, because I went through more abuse and traumas then I should've. I took things from people I did not deserve to deal and I have said things to some that should not have been said, because I was reacting from their actions. 

3. In what ways have you been hurt or disappointed? Have you healed from those hurts and disappointments? Why or why not? 

- I have had many moments of being hurt, including being disappointment. Too many to even really specify on to be completely honest. I have for the most part, I have released a lot of the guilt and shame I was made to feel for being hurt and disappointment in what others' have done towards. I have been able to navigate through healing and recovery, because I have a great support system then what I used too. 

Respond: Take time to heal. As you continue to read, own your story. Over the next 7 seven days, spend a few minutes each day writing down defining movements in your life's story. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks of many different Abuses/Raw emotions. 

Another continuation post 🤗. An a brief back story on why I decided to share this with you all, I wanted to share more of my personal growth with you all 🤗. Please don't be hesitate to join in and answer the questions for yourself as well 💖. 

Chapter 4: Good Girl...His Girl (A Chapter from My Story)

This chapter really had me thinking back to when I had my first encounter with a person liking me. I had no interested in anyone in those stages of life because I was more into my academics. It had me realize that I only bared interest once I established connection with someone because I was lacking connection emotionally at home with my parents. Due to their emotional neglect, and their complete disregard of my mental health. They cared too much for my physical though causing me eating disorder, dysmorphia because I always thought I was too big or severely over weight, in reality I was a naturally healthy weight. The lack of true genuine connection, empathy, and lack of structure which caused me to confide in people that did not have the best intentions for me at the time I thought they did, but growing older I realized they did not. So when I moved out with my at the time boyfriend, they wanted to act shocked, especially my mom pretending like I never conveyed my emotional distress, instead she lied through her teeth and watched me as I got dehumanized by my father and told, "Once you leave this house you better not comeback". 

Reflections: 

Remember: "The trip through your own narrative is a trip worth making."-Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. After hearing some of my story , identify at least one drift in your life. What role did your feelings play in your drifting experience?

- If I can recall one drifting experience, it was the fact that my parents were emotionally and mentally neglectful towards me. So the drifting was confiding in friends that were toxic in many different ways. As well as my emotions playing the role of the passive, submissible person that I was at the time. 

2. When did this drift happen? Why did it occur? 

- This drift happened when I was in middle school to early years of high school. An it occurred because I had no true trust in my parents. I had a father that was a raging alcoholic that was ptsd ridden and refused the help for it. As well as him trying to impede on me getting the help i need, trying to make my mom stop taking me to a professional or telling me I wasn't allowed to seek the help. He would do anything to stop it. My mom was severely emotionally unavailable, and she also had a really bad habit of telling everyone my business that I would come to her in confidence about. 

3. Are you in a drift? If you aren't sure, ask a friend? 

- No I am not in a drift, and I asked a friend anyway just what would be said from her perspective. She told me that I wasn't drifting and she noticed I was being more assertive about putting my little family first, and that she was proud of me for doing so. 

Respond: Take the next step. Be brave enough to be vulnerable. Share a chapter from your story with a trusted friend. If you are ready for this level of honesty, simply tell a friend that you are working on owning your story- drifts and all. Ask them to support you through this time

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks of many forms of Abuse/Raw emotions 

Continuation post/update💖. 

Chapter 5: Hershey and on the Highway ( The Anatomy of a Drift) 

This chapter opened my eyes to a lot of moments where I pushed through to do things out of my own pure stubbornness and slight resilience. It made me confess to myself that there is a right way to be stubborn and a wrong way to be stubborn. An often times when I would use my resilience, it would be tarnished by the fact that everyone would misrepresent it calling it "stubborn" when there is a huge difference between the both. I can fully admit that I was stubborn in a lot of unhealthy ways, which leads back to how I was raised by to unwelcoming parents. As I have grown older, a lot of those traits have since been squashed and never rehashed. The only thing left is my new found respect of my resilience that has been unwavering due to situations. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "You, my dear, have the ability to choose."-Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1.What are some distractions that are preventing you from living fully aware?

- I have not had any recently ever since I moved into my own apartment with my fiancé. We have both been healing individually and also healing as a unit. Therefore, there is nothing to distract myself from having self-respect and love for myself, as well as my child. The most important thing to me currently is filling my own cup, while filling my daughters and my fiancé's. Recently, I have learned to only mind the matters of those that care and fill the cups that fill yours in return. 

2. How have you rationalized staying in a drift? 

-If I would have found this book during the drift I was in, I would have rationalized it with "I guess it was meant to happen that way" or under reacting severely to the pain the event had just caused me.

3. Are you desensitized? What used to bother you that no longer notice? 

- Since we are being openly honest about my emotions, I used to be desensitized while living with my parents, it was the only way I was able to survive. Why I say this is because I used to be heavily bullied by my father for being the empathetic person that I am today. Which is why I used to think having empathy, being sensitive to those around me, and showing emotion was weak an very wrong. I released a lot of that pain awhile ago, therefore the only thing that I no longer notice are the ones that are not meant for my life nor energy. 

4. What decisions have you made that have resulted in a consequences you are living with now?

- I can think of one right now that was completely on me, I was learning boundaries. Meanwhile, I was also suffering from terrible post partum/depression and grieving because I recently lost a friend that had passed away during my pregnancy with my toddler. Well I was mean to my ex friend, not on purpose but thing the gravity of what she was telling me was far to great for me to handle and because I am a sensitive person I was taking her pain as my own and carrying it. Now should I have explained that better with my words, of course I should have and when I realized I had hurt her the damage was done and she walked away. However, she was also in the wrong because she had lied to me about it being okay after I apologized the first time and she had known what I was dealing with and before she even started with telling me, I had expressed to her with a heavy boundary that I could not handle anything serious or sensitive because my brain could not handle it. Not that I did not want to hear it but it was not a good time for me and she told me anyway. Now does that excuse what I said and how I said it no of course not, but it gives insight on how it was the both of us and not just me as she proclaims and tries to throw blame.

Respond: Write this affirmation down somewhere where you will see it and see it often: 

" I'm still here. The higher being is not finished with me yet." 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks of many abuses/Raw emotions 

This is the continuation of the journey that I have been undergoing with the book, "She is still there". Please feel free to join in, if you wish too 🤗

Chapter 6: An Episode from Adolescence ( You are a Soul) 

This Chapter reminded me of when I first started my period, while the author was at home. I was at school, unfortunately wearing white pants. The period was everywhere it look like I was rolling around a container of red paint, because it was tie dyed all over my pants. Thankfully, I had a jacket and was able to cover myself, but that did not stop the boys from laughing and snickering at me. I started to question my very existence and determine if I was even a real human. Fortunately for me it was early dismissal, and I was able to get home immediately showering, but within those minutes. I began to ponder on questions that I did somewhat knew the answers too. It was quite the embarrassing moment for me, so I became afraid of what might happen next. If people were so quick to bully me over a natural movement what was next. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "You don't have a soul; you are a soul- a uniquely and divinely created one at that."- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. How have you been tempted to devalue the uniqueness of your soul?

- There has been plenty of times, honestly if we are being real here. I was always told that I was either too sensitive, too nice, too loving and dumb for always giving people benefit of the doubt. For awhile, I almost believed in those that lost sight of the bigger picture and only worried about the small fragments. Once I realized that those people were devaluing themselves and wanted me to blindly join into that, I released myself from those people and continued to be the authentic me that I was meant to be.

2. What keeps you from believing in your value?

- I used to not believe in it, but now I do especially after realizing that self-projection is a real thing that people do to those like me that have huge hearts and love with their all. 

3. Do you struggle with being patient with yourself? Why or why not?

- I used too struggle with that, but as I got older and through time I realized that healing/ recovering from the amount of traumas I have been through is linear and not a straightforward line, it takes time. I know I have things I still have to work through, but I can for sure say that I have gotten better because others' have recognized and brought it to my attention. 

Respond: Write your name down in the blank: 

- I am (name here), and I'm uniquely and divinely created soul. 

Now write that statement somewhere you will see it often.

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks of many traumas/Raw emotions/Pregnancy/Miscarriages

This is a part 2 of the book have been reading continuation post, so far reading this book has really helped highlight a lot of moments of suppressed and hidden feelings I didn't realize that I still had. Best decision ever 💕

Chapter 7: Double lines Blue ( Chronicles of Collison) 

This chapter hit home for me when I found out at the E.R that I was pregnant with my daughter, I never had any luck with home tests and any pregnancy I had before I would always miscarry whether due to overwhelming stress or my body was just not accepting it. Sitting on that table, looking at that greyish white screen seeing a tiny little blimpy of flesh, made my heart skip beats. I started to panic, I was scared because her bio was already giving red flags. He was excited at first, and so ready but all of that was short lived. He started to become really abusive mentally/emotionally and Psychologically. I was depleting in front of him and he held no remorse on it, it was always my fault. However I wont stand here and say I was perfect, because I wasn't due to the hormonal changes, physical and emotional changes I was undergoing each day. Not to mention being high risk was also a very draining factor. She was the last of the covid era of babies that were coming through, so all of the hard news I had to hear alone, an I would pass along to her bio without no shred of remorse he would say some harshly mean things or disregard my doctors for my well-being. Constantly compared to his sister with her pregnancy. When my daughter was born I was the main one taking care of her, he was of no help because when he wasn't working, he was sleeping till late hours and then playing on the computer till late hours then going to bed, there was no compromise/quality time. I stopped asking of him to bond with her, and started to reach out to family for support and friends that were still around, I started to create my own life with/without him in the picture. He would get jealous and try to have me hide my body after having the baby so I could not dress in a simple tank top an yoga pants just to go to the park. Granted, i should not have been snappy but I had enough of his double standards. Eventually I left, moving on to someone else (too fast and I should not have). 

Reflections: 

Remember: "You are loved."- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. As you were reading, what collision came to mind? 

- The first collision that popped up was when my daughter's bio was getting jealous of me no longer partaking in his disrespect/dehumanizing tactics, so he used my daughter as a weapon to cause a reaction out of me. So I went to get her and the cops were called on me, after being told I couldn't take her, he told the cops after I left that "I didn't care for her" and tried to hold temporary custody papers over my head and I quote from his words, "In case you do something stupid I don't like." After him doing that I wasn't able to have any type of relationship with anyone because I was scared of him back then. I became a recluse out of literal fear, so I just maintained bonding with my child and sticking to myself. After doing all of that he would also accuse me of harming our child, which once again false. I got to the point, I stopped engaging in communication because he would then turn around an try to hold a conversation with me after just sitting there and degrading me. 

2. What consequences are you facing from your past decisions? How have you been impacted by the decisions of others? 

- The only thing I faced was being a single mother for awhile, having no social life for that while and keeping to myself. As well as having a mental break down, then finally deciding enough was enough, pulling myself out of it and continuing to move forward. I was not going to let him get to me anymore when he would be in and out every 6 months close to a year so I blocked him. I was impacted severely, because I was mentally/emotionally gone because I was being constantly disrespected by him before he was blocked. His now current partner tried to get into our business, which is none of her business at all and tried to victim blame me for speaking my truth, so I blocked her too. 

3. No matter how bad things may be, nothing changes the fact that you are loved. Commit to rehearing that idea until it sinks in.

Respond: Assemble your own list of verses that remind you of your value in Higher Being's eyes. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks about many forms of Traumas/Pregnancy/Raw emotions 

Continuation post 💎.

Chapter 8: Precious Cargo (Carry your contents carefully)

This chapter reminded me of when I was pregnant with my toddler and I became very alert of the surroundings an things around me. At first, I will admit that I wasn't alert because of the fact that I was over tired and doing things that I shouldn't have been doing at the amount of weeks of pregnancy I was in, as well as being high risk. Those of you that don't know what High Risk is, I will explain briefly and sparing the gory details. High Risk when a woman has anything wrong like a medical condition that makes her pregnancy complex, a uterus that is in medically known as "hostile", and so on so forth. In my case, my daughter was hovering over my cervix, causing a bunch of issues, and other issues that I thank the higher being for having a healthy baby after everything I had heard alone. While I was going to ob/gyn appointments, my mid wife turned too me and said," A man that is ready to be a father doesn't have to be reminded all the time that you need assistance, you are growing a tiny human within you, those changes are already scary enough. You do not need to be with someone that can not do what needs to be done. You and that sweet baby should come first." . Even if she never sees this, I want to say to her thank you for lighting the fire within my core, my appreciation can not be expressed in words. 

Reflection: 

Remember: "You, my friend, are carrying precious cargo." -Chrystal Hurst 

Reflection: 

1.Have you been living alertly, responsibly, and fully aware? If so, How do you know? If not, why do you think that is?

- As of recently now for the past i wanna say 2 years, I have been living alertly, responsibly and very aware. I say this because after having my mental break down, people living my life, and other people kicking me down while I was down. I realized that it was time for change, so i stepped back from everyone and everything, moved in with my grandparents. Worked on my bond with my daughter and the bond within myself. I dropped those that only used me for a bank account and only wanted certain things from me. An I know that I have made tremendous changes, because I have had people lately stop me and tell me, at first I didn't even realize it myself till I noticed alot of people were telling me and noticing it for themselves. 

2.Do you think you have been a good steward for your life thus far? Why or why not?

- At first, I will admit and be honest an say that I wasn't from the early years of childhood to last stages of teenage years, because I was not properly guided by my parents to pave a successful path. As an adult, I can for sure say that I am now, I wont allow the mistreatment of myself, boundaries, or my child to happen. My love, heart and soul are sacred, so friendships, some family members and even my fiancé has noticed that I have been evolving even more, and wants me to succeed in life. He wants me to do what I wanna do, just while loving me and being with me.

3.Do you struggle with loving yourself based on the love the Higher being has for you? Why or why not? 

- Not as of these past few years now, I have been very good with the self - love, self- appreciation, and self- respect. As well as the higher being has blessed me with a very loving fiancé, a job, an apartment with him, and a daycare for my daughter to attend ✨. Blessings really do come in small sizes and I can not wait for the other blessings 🌟

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks about many Traumas/Raw emotions 

Continuation Post💖

Chapter 9: Gain Perspective (Look and Listen) 

This chapter reminded me of all the times I lost sight of myself choosing other people's happiness instead of choosing myself. An why I say this because even with my own parents abusing me in their own ways, I would still allow them to silence me in a way because after so long of dealing with it , I would stare numbingly at them both. Of course, they would take as attitude and ground me for it for months on end, because I was not providing them with a false they were wanting. Now I wont sit here and say that I was a perfect child, that would lying. I made mistakes and would also hold myself accountable for the actions. When I started listening to the inner voice, I was grounded even longer for defending myself and would hardly have a life outside of my room. It would anger my father especially that I would turn the grounding into a positive by reading more books, researching more stuff, studying harder than I was before or practicing my drawing skills. For awhile, I was able to do that till he would get so uptight about it take that away from me. It would be to the point that I would only be allowed to sit silence or clean. He had thing issue with people finding joy in the negative, so he would take away the joy to produce more negative since he was a negative thinking person. He wanted me to be too, my mom started to follow that terrible habit and do the same thing. 

Reflections: 

Remember: " Discover, develop and deploy the gifts in you." - Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. What parts of yourself have you forgotten, walked away from, dismissed, or devalued? 

- The parts of myself that I had left behind was the traumatize side of me, the side of me that was always having mental break downs from holding everything in due to the emotional neglect from both parents. I dismissed it because it was no longer relevant to me, especially looking at myself now and how I was back then it was very necessary. I used to devalue myself because of the past I had, but then come to find out that the past does not define me, an holds no value over me. 

2. Are you acting on the gifts, abilities, interests, and nature you are aware of? Why or why not? 

- I'm acting on them now more so than ever, because I enjoy being a host for sessions, drawing/practicing my art so I can be a tattoo artist eventually, as well as being spiritual, paying homage to the higher beings and doing tarot/oracle reading for myself an others' if they ask. 

3. Why do you think we tend to avoid making time to look at our lives? Why is it important to do so? 

- We as humans tend to want to look towards distractions, rather than looking inward and into our own inner worlds, because a lot of the times it is too painful to remember or reflect back on. What most of us have forgotten that yes it may hurt but that is how you know you are developing truth growth from it because you are allowing yourself to feel the emotions/feelings. The biggest reason why it is important to look at yourself and your interworld is because you attract how you feel about yourself or think how you feel about yourself. 

Respond: Take some time to think about - and even document - the higher beings given gifts inside of you. Ask friends or family members to tell you what they see in you. Often other people who know us can see thing in us we don't see in ourselves. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks of many abuses/Raw emotions 

I know it's been awhile from posting things, needed a bit of a break to process everything that I was bringing to the surface. So far so good, and my fiancé is still very loving an supportive of me.

Chapter 10: Wake up and drive (Participate in the process) 

I'm not going to lie this chapter brought out a lot of suppressed memories and feelings that I didn't even think I had. Honestly, There has been so many times (countless) in fact that I have put myself including my desires, wants and needs to the back burner for others'. An it actually made sense as to why I was always so ready to people please and because that is how my parents conditioned me. Especially my own mom, because she would place my father above me and sister's own happiness an safety. Everything i learned about love came from them and clearly it was all wrong, I am happy to say I squashed all of those traits and have been living happier/healthier for it. Granted I do have some stuff to work on still but as the amazing Chrystal hurst said "You can still be a master piece and a work in progress." 

Reflection: "Staying awake to your life requires your participation."-Chrystal Hurst 

Reflection: 

1. One a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the care that you give your body?

-Honestly right now a 6.5, There is still room for improvement and I know I can do so much better

2. In what specific ways can you do a better job of caring for your self?

- i can make more time for the gym, make more time for dieting and healthier foods, more time for self care aka decompressing from work so it does not leak on my family. As well as be more consistent with facial care for my acne.

3. Is the spirit of the higher being operating in your life?How do you know?

- I believe that the higher being is operating in my life because there is many things that I have been spared from, saved from and blessed with that I didn't even think possible. I know by the way it has aligned with the prayers and affirmations that I have spoken. 

4. What do you do to invite the Higher being into your life? How do you connect with their perspective and power?

- I invite the higher being in by connecting through my oracle/tarot cards. An I am able to see the perceptive they have laid out before me and embracing the power given within. To be quite honest, I am still very grateful for the blessings that I have received. 

Respond: Identify two habits you would like to to be more consistent in-one spiritual and one physical. Ask someone who loves you to hold you account to doing so. 

Body: eat more healthier and invite the gym into my life to stay 

Spirit: Speak more Affirmations/Stay consistent with my oracle readings. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Talks of many abuses/Raw emotions

Chapter 11: Follow the Yellow Crumb Road ( You don't have to know everything) 

This chapter reminded me of how everything was going out of whack for me a couple years back and how everything was falling apart. I even fell apart from the abuses I was enduring, it took me a moment to realize that it was all lessons, and I had learned my lessons from it. Hence all the blessings and opportunities I have been receiving. Chrystal Hurst spoke about a moment in her childhood that she tried to break up a fight between two girls on the playground. I had two moments like this, one was with these two girls (one tall) and the other (about average). The taller girl got jealous because I was hanging with the about average girl a lot more than she used to be, ( I don't know what happened between them) but she was angry at me and held a lot of resentment towards me, none of which I caused because I barely knew her like that, she never spoke to me before. Well we were all lined up to go to the park outside, and the about average one came to me upset so of course I consoled her and told her "everything was going to be okay". Apparently this upset the tall one, and she came towards us, looked at me with such hatred and pushed me to the ground hard. She then said "learn how to mind your own business." I was certainly confused because i never said anything about anyone's business let alone knew about it. The other occasion was with two guys in 5th grade, one was (taller) and the other (my height). My friend was the one that was my height, we had a lot of common interest that the taller one and I didn't. As my friend and I were walking, the taller guy came from behind and pushed him to the ground, beating him up ruthlessly. Honestly I was scared so I made a distance for myself to get away from it. My friend was pleading for the taller one to stop, and the taller one kept going. So, I walked back with haste and pushed him off my friend, he stared at me bewildered, then started to bully me. I did this so my friend could make his escape from underneath him. The taller one kept calling me names and trying to close in on me. I stood up to him and he walked away muttering. 

Remember: "You may not know everything there is to know, but you don't have to!"-Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. What crumbs has the higher being placed in you based on your design?

- From those two situations, I dealt with as a mere child the crumb that was left for me is that I am a very caring, compassionate, and sweet person. An if someone is getting hurt, I will stand up to the person hurting the other and let them leave. I suppose that was a crumb of showing my resilience and strength.

2. What crumbs has the higher being given you in their words? Are you following them?

- I can say I am following to the best of my ability to follow I have my moments of weakness.

3. What crumbs has the higher being allowed in your experiences? What information do they give you?

- When my life was spiraling and I lost myself for a bit, I heard this voice keeping saying "Patient love is coming". Now I didn't know where from and when, but I listened to it everyday. I stayed focused on myself, bettering my mental health for my sake and daughter's sake, creating a stronger bond between us both as well as staying away from those that were using my kindness as a weakness in any way, shape or form. The information given to me during that time was things were going to be difficult, but I had my daughter to care for and love on. She gave me the strength I needed to move forward, I learned it was okay to mentally break down, cry, and talk about the abuses I went through. An while staying with my grandparents for almost a year, that love the higher being was vocalizing came in the form of a loving fiancé, that has support every step of mine and cherishes every moment with me and my daughter.

Respond: " Name one small step you can take based on the crumbs you notice in you, around you and, or in Higher being's words." 

- The step I can officially make is falling in to flow of the love I am receiving from my fiancé, and stop blaming myself for the reactions people have pulled out me/used against me and the abuses the have done to me. 

Tw: Healing/recovery/talks of many abuses/raw emotions 

Chapter 12: Sleeping by the Window ( Nurturing your soul) 

This chapter remind me of when I was a child that I would always wanted to build pillow forts, have all of the soft blankets at the bottom of the fort with a light and books to read. I found out as a child that the pillow forts were a safe haven for me, because it allowed me to escape the reality of the toxicity within my household. During these moments, I would have the biggest smile on my face, as I grew older I would be yelled at for indulging in such activity and would be told to "act my age", and stop being so childish an do what a so/so age would do. As an adult now with a child of my own, I can say the way that I was raised will not be the way she is raised. She is full of wonder, happiness and smiles. An she is allowed to live her life whatever way she choices, I will always be her biggest supporter. Now that I am the parent, I have introduced her to snuggle pillows when she feels sad or cuddling during tv time so that she gets her bonding time with both my fiancé and myself. Nurturing  my soul this way has not only benefited me, but also my small family.

Reflections: 

Remember: "Choose to nurture your soul by cultivating joy." -Chrystal Hurst

Reflection: 

1.Simple joys matter. What can you engage in with your sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing that will make you smile?

- By sight, I can look at the ocean. By smell, I can smell a essence stick being burned or candle. By touch, I can be held by my fiancé or daughter. By taste, i can eat a comfort food that i have been craving.  By hearing, I can listen to my fiancé talk about his day, daughter sing or recite what she has been learning, along with music. 

 2. Significant relationships matter. What person should you make time to talk to or be with? Give them a call or send them a text and plan a time to hang out. 

- That would be calling my grandparents more, making more time for them to see my daughter. Along with spending more quality time with my daughter and fiancé. 

3. The Higher being gives you joy. When will you make time to read their love letter to you and listen to their direction?

- I actually take time to do my oracle cards every morning and write down what is being told of me during the day, an listen to how i can make things more positive, will continuing to implement more things like boundaries, continuing to enjoy my blessings and so on forth. 

Respond: Make a list of things that nurture your soul and give you energy. Post the list in plain view. Refer to it often.

Tw: healing/recovery/raw emotions/ talks of many abuses/Pregnancy/ Miscarriages 

Chapter 13: A Labor of Love ( Finding your purpose in pain) 

This chapter hit home for me in many ways then one, I remember my first miscarriage. I was painful and I was not only hurting mentally, but I was hurting emotionally and physically too. No one knew that I was going through this, because I was beyond hurt from what I was dealing with beside what was going on. However as time went on I did manage to muster the strength to tell a few. Another miscarriage, I had was before i had my toddler. It was once again painful and draining to deal with. Before having my daughter, whom is my rainbow child. I was told that it would always be hard for me to have a child, so I also kept that news to myself till I had the mustered will power to tell others'. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was heavily disrespected by daughter's bio father's family and him, so the situation was very traumatizing. When I finally escaped free of his clutches, I went no contact. I'm doing a lot better, i do have my moments here and there. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "Your pain has a purpose."- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Is there a painful experience from your past that you've not dealt with?

- Honestly, I have pretty much dealt with them all, to the extent I could especially with how my daughter's bio is/ can be it was much safer to go no contact with him. There was no middle ground because he was quick to jump to conclusions. So for the betterment for my mental health and our daughter's. 

2.  How has pain served a purpose in your life? Has it helped you or made it possible for to help someone else?

- All of the painful events I have been through has taught me valuable lessons, and everything I have went through has been survival guide for someone else.

3. If you are in painful situation, do you to ask for help? What might help you pay attention to the condition of your soul?

- If I was in on, yes I would ask for the help. What has been helping me with keeping attention to my soul is writing/journaling my feelings out an actually being able to see the damage. 

Respond: Going through a particularly rough time? Pray/ speak some affirmations 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Talks of many abuses 

Chapter 14: Rockin' Hot Chocolate ( Do what you can with what you have) 

As I was reading this chapter, it took me back to when I first walked through the doors viewing the very apartment I am sitting in now. My fiancé's face and mine were over the moon, we were so happy to have this little place our own. Reading this reminded me to now to wait on things even when we think it is not doable, to live our lives happily. It was a great reminder to live in the moment.

Reflections:

Remember: " You never know what can come tomorrow from doing what you can today." - Chrystal Hurst 

Reflections: 

1. What are you pushing pause on in your life?

- Currently it would be getting my ged, but I have actually started looking around an getting more information about it, do to it. As well as getting my permit. 

2. Do you feel like the higher being can use you? Why or why not?

- I feel like they can because a lot of my past issues have been lessons as well as taking notice of how much progress I have made, and the way certain things have went.

3. What actions or opportunities are in front of you? Are you acting on them? Why or why not?

- Getting married, my fiancé and I officially started planning for the event. We started picking out the colors, the theme. Going through the list of songs and just allowing the process to flow. 

Respond: Don't focus on what you can't do. Think about what is possible. What does "doing what you can" look like right now? Make a list of actions you can take right now, big or small. Remember, you can always do something. <3 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Memories 

Chapter 15: An Answer. Not The Answer (The process of your Progress) 

This chapter was bittersweet for me, because it remind me of when I first picked up the pencil and started drawing. I wouldn't stop, I would just keep drawing, and I expanded outward to to editing pictures into something I feel is better or just letting my imagination flow. 

Reflections: 

Remember:  "Build on the gifts the higher being(s) gave you." -Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. What can you do to build on the gifts God has given you? 

- I have been using the you draw app making fusion characters or drawing a character in the art style of the other character that comes up. Honestly, sometimes I laugh at it because it's very comical the two characters it wants me combine together or the drawing the character in the specified style. Sometimes the characters come out quirky, funny and amusing. Another gift, I work on is my ability to edit pictures and allow my imagination to run wild. I started recently making tattoo concepts with it yesterday. As well as strengthen my energy while reading oracle cards and tarot cards for myself/others.

2. Are you making room to do things that you love? Why or why not?

-Absolutely I have from drawing more, creative writing and being more fluid with my imagination that comes from my head when I edit the pictures or draw something out. I allow it to flow, I enjoy doing things like this. I also now allow myself to feel called to read the oracle/tarot cards, it provides more insight that way. 

3. What is an answer you can take answer on today? 

-Going to the gym to see if they have a family plan, so my fiancé and I can start working out again. Which we both love doing, especially me because I want to get back to a more healthier weight and that way my fiancé can go back to his safe space. Allow myself to feel the energy around me and let the energy call me to the tarot/oracle cards. 

4. What small step can you take to steward the gifts the higher being(s) have given you? 

-I can continue to practice my editing/drawing more and also eat healthier, drink more water and cut back on the sugary foods. As well as cleanse my sacred space more often, allow the negative energies to diminish and cleanse/charge up my crystals more.  

Respond: Since you are the steward of the gifts, abilities, interests, and nature God has given you, what small step can you take today to build on what you've been given? Consider what you can do to develop the gift of you.

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Flashbacks/Child birth & Labor 

Chapter 16: Dig Deep ( Focus on the Finish) 

This chapter gave me a flashback of when I was in Softball. I remember when I first started playing, telling myself, "I don't think I can get this home run and get myself an everyone else home." I heard a whisper in my head telling me, "just swing." Therefore I drew a deep breathe analyzed the the softball coming in and just swung like the voice in my head told me so. I got the homerun, I was able to bring all of us into home. This also reminded me of when I was going into labor with my daughter ( don't worry I will spare all of gory details). I was in immense pain, I already was trying to push with the contractions and ignore the pain, however she was backwards and they had told me that if she did not come out that there would be a c-section. A voice within my head said "Just push" and I kept looking at my nurse team scared and telling them that I couldn't do it anymore and the nurse looked at me with loving eyes an said " Yes you can you are doing it already, just keep going" so I followed what the voice in my head was said. 

Reflections: 

Respond: " Dig deep and focus on the finish." -Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. What hinders you from staying focused?

- My ADHD lmao, which I have been getting more focused each time I work on it.

2. What is the hardest part of focus for you? Making the decision, picking direction, using discernment, or exercising discipline? How could you work on that?

-For me, it was the making the selection because of so many opportunities being provided, as using my discernment and exercising discipline due to my ADHD. However that was in the past now I have an easier time and have no problem with it now. I worked on it by recognizing what boundaries were crossed, what I felt during the time, what I could do to improve myself and keep moving forward.

3. In what area of your life is focus most needed? 

-Right now, my focus is on my little family. My toddler, my fiancé and myself are more important than the drama within the outside world and those that bring us drama. 

Tw: healing/recovery/ raw emotions/talks of many abuses 

Chapter 17: Analysis Paralysis ( Make a decision) 

This chapter gave me so much inspiration, especially with my creative mind bursting out the seems with excitement. Each time, I pick up this book it gives me more faith each day to believe that good things can happen. As well as reminds me of the time, that I made the decision to leave each person that abused me in different ways, of course each time it stung because of the sadness, but at the end of it all it was rewarding. 

Reflections: 

Respond: "Sometimes the best decisions you can make is simply make a decision." -Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. How have you seen analysis paralysis active in your life? What has analysis paralysis prevented you from accomplishing?

- Honestly, there is so many choices for the theme of for me and fiancé's wedding. An ever little cute thing I want to do and I know that our resources are limited because we want to do a budget friendly wedding, but everything is just so darn cute >.<

2. Where in your life do you need to make a decision?

- Currently it's the decisions for the wedding, because of all the endless decisions and possibilities of how cute it can be

3. Why do you the decision has been hard to make?

- The endless choices and how many cute things I have found that I have wanted to implement, along with involving the cute things that he has found. My adhd has not been friendly with me about it lol. 

Respond: Challenge yourself to make some small decision today. Solidify that decision by writing it  down, putting it in a place where you can see it, and then pick up the phone and share it with someone else for accountability. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Self-care/ Weight managements/ Weight Issues/ E.D 

This is very topic heavy stuff, so if it triggers or brings back memories. It's perfectly okay and normal to scroll past 💗

Chapter 18: Forty and fat ( Maintain you direction by paying attention) 

This chapter remind me that it was okay to have moments of self-care away from others'. An that it was perfectly normal to do so, because being on autopilot 24/7 is harmful and will only cause further damage to your mental and emotional. I'm glad that I have been reviewing each decision that I have ever made thus far, now I can for sure say that I have made some mistakes along the way, but I would not be where I am today without making those hard calls and doing what needed to be done for my daughter and myself. Now this chapter also remind me of when I was younger, I never had a single problem with my weight but my mom did. She would always fear monger me into not eating certain things, because she didn't want me to be "overweight". I shall paint a picture for you all, I was 4'8 and only in the 150ish range, I was a little chubby but also had the curves. I never had a single weight problem till I reached my late teens, because I had to lose weight for my own sweet 16 dress, when I was not even overweight. My mom had this ideal image in her head what "perfect" looked like. She would make going to the gym a chore, which is why for a while I fluctuate with weight a lot because I did not see the enjoyment. My father was no better he would also make being healthy a chore, because was military at the time so he saw no difference in how he spoke to me and his soldiers. My E.D started up and it was real bad, I would skip meals because I wanted to make them proud, which then turned into me binge eating from sadness as an adult because of their constant comments on my weight. Now as a mom of a toddler, I want to be healthy but also teach her that not everyone's bodies are the same and that it's okay to look a little different. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "Practice the art of paying attention"- Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. In what area of your life do you tend to drift of course?

- When it comes to losing weight, due to all the negative things that have happened. I tend to be cautious about it and do what I can when i can, which I have gotten better with because I have dropped significant weight now that I have put the past behind me and started paying attention to the here an now. 

2. How do you know when you are drifting?

- When I stop making time for the gym, and start finding every excuse as to why I do not have the time. When I can make time for it and do what is best for my health.

3. How can paying attention to your life help you focus and stay on track?

- It helps by showing me what can be done presently, and that I have the ability to do what I can for my physical health, even my mental and emotional health. Which I have gotten a lot better at and been more time for the gym.

Respond: What tip for paying attention resonates most with you? How will you utilize that tip in your day to day life? Think about your answer. Then write it down. 

Tw: Healing/ Recovery/ Flashbacks/ Memories/ Raw emotions 

Chapter 19: People, Places and Things ( Use Discernment) 

This chapter gave me a flashback, of when I was in Highschool, in JROTC in fact. I remember I was being constantly antagonized by people, the remarks were becoming annoying. So I picked up speed, I hardly recognized myself. Me, the person that walked in the back of company runs because she had a messed up knee, was running? That question still remains unsolved/ unanswered. I had ran so far ahead, I finished first. Everyone in shock, including the instructors. Now when it comes to support and those that support me, I have that now as an adult more so than I had as a child. I haven't been in a positive environment till now and I have been more positive with the things I do now vs when I was a child, I can still say there is room for improvement. 

Reflections: 

Remember: " Align your environment with your ambitions." - Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Who do you have in your life who supports you, joins you, or gives you direction? Who are you supporting, joining and giving direction?

- My in-laws, fiancé, my small group of friends, my nana, my Wela, my Tio Antonio and my sister. I support, my toddler, fiancé, my small group of friends, my nana, my Wela, my Tio Antonio and my sister. 

2. How is your environment helping you focus? If it's not helping, what can you do to change that? What place will better position you to head toward the finish line?

- My environment helps me focus by being around the people I love as in my toddler and my fiancé.  There's some areas to improve like organization and staying on top of cleaning (but we are both exhausted because we both work hard). The only thing that would help in success is just staying on track and keeping up with cleaning.

3. What things in your life create distraction? What things do you need in your life help you be the person you are trying to be?

- The most distraction I have right now is nothing, being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me and so is being a wife. Spending time with my family is never a distraction at least in my eyes. I believe that I need more motivation for the gym to be a daily thing on my end, and to continue to be more positive minded allowing all the blessings to flow, an that it's okay to have my down days just don't stay in them.

Respond: Take a piece of paper and make three columns on each side. On one side write " Good Discernment." List the people, places and things that represent good discernment on your part. On the other "Poor Discernment." List the people, places and things that illustrate your need to use more discernment in your life. Now pick something off the "Poor Discernment" side of paper and decide what you can do to let that person, place or thing go. 

TW: Healing/Recovery/Raw emotions/Memories/Death of family members

Chapter 20: A Gift You Give Yourself ( Exercise Discipline ) 

This chapter took me back to when my great great grandma margarita (mama) was still alive. She was the ripe age of 105 when she passed, she lived a long life and hearing her stories told by her daughter ( my Wela, who is one of nine) would always tell me. My Wela would tell me that her mom was a strong, independent and loving woman, sometimes stubborn. She owned a ranch in Puerto Rico for a long time, and would always tend to them even when she was in 80s. She was one of the strongest women I know, aside from my Wela Maria who passed when she was 98 years old. She was another strong woman, that I still look up to this day. My Wela Vicenta is also a very strong woman too and so is her daughter ( My Nana). My Nana is one of the most loving, sweet, empathetic and caring person I know, she took a lot of abuses when she was with my mom's father but still stood tall, If it wasn't for my Nana and my Wela, I wouldn't be where I am today. They told me a lot about doing for myself, for my daughter in healthier ways than my parent had done. They have been the reasons a lot of my toxic traits have extinguished, of course and my own hard work of doing the work itself. 

Reflections: 

Remember: " The discipline with which you live your life is the foundations on which you live a life that you love." - Chrystal Hurst

Reflect:

1. Have you ever felt a goal that you gave up because of how you felt?

- Yes, I had a goal of becoming a videogame designer because I was very interested in creating characters for games and at the time writing the plot for it. However, my dad did not like that idea and would always brings me down. He would constantly try to talk me into the Airforce and I didn't want that, he would bash each drawing or barely notice it, even if I would show him. Eventually, I stopped drawing and showing him. I started to think "practical" in his words and find something "normal" also his words. 

2. Where in your life do you have discipline? Where do you lack discipline?

- I have discipline in what I let myself deal with and what type of people come around my daughter after all the things we endured together. Especially learning from the things that I have dealt with as a child myself, I wont tolerate the lack of respect for her emotions or mine, nor will I allow the half love, and constant in/out from people. I lack discipline with my firm boundaries because sometimes I feel mean after saying it but then realize that it's not mean to have healthy boundaries for myself and my toddler included. 

3. If discipline is the vehicle through which you accomplish your goals, habits are the tracks on which discipline runs. What habits in your life need to be broken? What habits do you need to build?

- The habits that need to be broken is honestly vaping, it has been a bad habit needing to be rid of. I could do more cleaning, eat healthier (which are all being worked on currently), and going to the gym more. Other things that can be build is being more vulnerable with my partner, allowing my healthy boundaries to flow without feeling remorse for them, and allowing myself to vent out the frustrations I am feeling without gaslighting myself into think I'm not allowed to say the things that have bothered me.

Respond: Discipline is based on actions you do whether or not you feel like doing them. Think of one small task that you have been avoiding. Get up and do it. Practice makes perfect. Discipline is a muscle that you can build.

Tw: healing/recovery/raw emotions/talks of many traumas/memories 

Chapter 21: Five to Seven Yellow Lines ( Just keep going) 

As I read this chapter it remind me all of the times, I got uncomfortable with new things and new opportunities, because it was never what I was used too. The biggest example I can give is when I first got with my fiancé and came down for a visit, meeting his family even his aunt. I was scared out my mind, I was uncomfortable with the thought of meeting new people, but the signs on the road were leading me into this new chapter. Seeing the signs on the road saying things like, "Your next journey begins", " Happiness begins" and always seeing butterflies nearby or passing me and my now fiancé. I took these as good omens, and open myself to meeting his parents, and aunt. He has since meet mine and has a huge beautiful bond with my daughter. I'm glad I listened to the voice in my head while still at my grandparents apartment telling me "This is your time" and " Go, you will enjoy it" and the voice within my head was right, I have.

Reflections: 

Remember: "The key to your journey is to start, and then to keep it going." - Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1. What yellow lines are on the road of your life? How is your life marked with your gifts, abilities, interests and nature?

- The yellow lines that I have noticed were allowing myself to meet my in-laws at the start of relationship, as well as let my fiancé meet my daughter. My life has been marked by drawing again, reading again, getting back into painting, and now focusing on planning a wedding. I have also strengthened my intuition and continued to be spiritual. As well as getting to work with my old job again.

2. Have you tried not to follow those lines? Did you stop? Why or why not?

- I almost tried not to because of the un-comfortability of change and new doors opening, however I allowed myself to listen to those signs on the road and the voice within my head. Now I do my best to say "yes" more to new opportunities and events .

3. What have you started that you just need to keep working to finish? Do you know enough to go? What's getting in the way?

- I'm studying for the permit and ged still, I'm almost confident but I do enjoy more study time and nothing is getting in the way but just wanting to study a bit more.

Respond: Sometimes we don't need new information, we just need to utilize the information we already have. What do you already know about your life that you just need to start acting on? Make the decision. Put a date on your next step in that direction. And do it.  Talk to the higher being about your desire to keep moving forward in the life the higher being has given you. Commit to the higher being that you will keep moving down the road of your life starting with your next step. 

Adding to my reading list, thank you. I haven't read all the posts but this sounds like a fascinating and very healing book. Thank you for sharing this with us while you're on your journey and inviting the community to be part of it with you. I find it very brave and wholesome. I hope we can all find the healing and safety we deserve as we continue to grow and learn.

@wontwakewontsleep Thank you so much for taking the time to look into this book, this book has been very helpful and I am glad that you are looking into it <3 thank you for your kindness and I appreciate your compliments 🤗

It's been quiet awhile since I have done a post to my forum over the book, I was taking the time to really soak in what was being read and said through out each chapter being answered. As well, as applying each way to love the inner little girl within, now without further or do, here is chapter 22🤗.

Tw: Healing/ Recovery/ Raw emotions/ Total Honesty

Chapter 22: Be Your Own Bestfriend ( Coach Yourself) 

This chapter remind me of when I saw that my friend became a CNA, and I thought to myself "congratulations to her, I'm super proud of her." There was no shred of jealousy, just pure happiness, her hardwork officially paid off. Then it hit me, that I did the same thing here the countless hours of being a listener and a member, from hosting many sessions, being a room supporter and eventually going for moderator, because I want to help those in need. I coached myself throughout this entire process and made sure that I could do this by writing little sticky notes. Sometimes, another's successes can remind you of what you are doing that is currently a success within itself. 

Reflections: 

Remember: "silence the Negative talk" - Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

1.When it comes to how you talk about yourself and your life. do you normally lean positively or negatively? Why do you think that is? 

- In the beginning, my childhood was rough and bumpy so it was negative up until I reach my mid twenties, then I started to shift my perspective, open myself to receiving the blessing that I am getting now and extremely grateful for the things that have been given to me an my little family 🤗. I  feel that the reason I thought so terribly of my life at first is due to the chaotic nature I was raised in, and now that I am an adult, I can make that peace myself so it's more positive. 

2. If you were a good friend to you, what would you say about yourself? How would you encourage yourself? 

- I feel that if I was a good friend to myself, I would say " You are a kind, caring, compassionate and very nurturing person. It is not your fault that a lot of people took advantage of that misleading you with their intentions and playing innocent when you finally snapped." as for the encouragement, I would say, "  You are doing such a great job holding firm healthy boundaries, going no contact when it's necessary and educating yourself on what you went through so you can spot it, and stop it before it happens, as well as helping others' with your truth, keep going it's being noticed." 

Respond: Write down three encouraging statements a good friend might say about you. Write those things down. Keep that list handy, and when you find yourself being more critical of yourself than you are supportive, use your mouth to coach yourself. 

Pick one of those statements and say it out loud, right now, to yourself.  

Tw: healing/recovery/feelings/Flashbacks/Fear 

I know it's been a bit since, I have written about how a chapter made me feel, but I was taking time to reflect on how the last one made me feel, and I have been my own best friend more often, I feel very accomplished with being able to thoroughly process it🤗

Chapter 23: The Monster in Your Mind (Coach Your Head) 

While I was reading this chapter it reminded me of a moment in time, that I spooked myself out. I was walking home from work, and the street lights usually came on so I stayed in those lit areas just out of precaution for myself. One night, I came home late from work so it was already pretty late, the cars on the street were starting to become less. As I was walking, I had noticed that the street lights were out and the only light was from gas station. So I began my walk home, hesitant of course because who in their right mind wants to walk through a dark street late at night with no one insight in case of an emergency. As my walk continued, I felt like I was being watched so I would keep my eyes peeled for anything. I heard a twig branch break behind me, and my heart started pounding faster, sweat beginning to bead up at my forehead then through the crack of a fence the gas station light poured through and realized it was a stray cat just roaming around.

Reflection: "Examine your thoughts in the light of the higher being's thoughts towards you." - Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. What thoughts do you have that steal your hope, your joy, or your motivation?

- Lately, the thoughts that have been stealing my motivation/joy has been mom guilt. I know that I am doing everything that I can, but somedays just get the best of me, and I end up crying over it. Crying is healthy so of course I let the tears fall and tell my fiancee about what is bugging me, so he can best support me. 

2. Do you typically entertain those thoughts or fight back with truth? Why?

- I'm not going to lie, in the beginning I did entertain the thought of not being a good enough mom, and I would allow myself to sink some days. Now, that I have been journaling, having a support team which includes my fiancee, I have gotten a lot better with fighting back though negative thoughts/feelings.

3. What is one favorite truth from affirmations that gives you hope, stirs up joy, or motivates you to action?

- I would have to say that the best affirmation that gives me these feelings is this one, " I can be empathetic and compassionate, an still say no to someone's crap." 

Respond: 

- The next time you struggle with entertaining a destructive thought, search for an affirmation on that topic that will shine the light of truth on the monster in your mind. Keep a running list of affirmations and build up your "truth bank" -true thoughts that replace the false ones.

- Plan a good time and place to regularly get your thoughts out of your head. Write them down or share them with a friend/ significant other, but examine your thoughts regularly. 

Tw: Healing/Recovery/Thoughts/ Mentions of being bullied/ Mentions of abuse & S.A

I had to take sometime to process this chapter just like the last few, because it really had me thinking for awhile and now I'm ready to share my thoughts on this chapter.

Chapter 24: Swim Against the Current (Coach your Heart) 

This chapter really made me think of myself in a very in-depth about myself. I even wrote an entry regarding this chapter and i said in the entry," This chapter made me realize three important things about myself. 1. I'm logical and emotionally led, 2. I vocalize my feelings respectfully, most of the time my feelings are ignored or talked over, and 3. That the way I lead my thoughts and emotions is unique. This chapter really opened my eyes of confirmation that I've been on the right track the entire time. However, there are people that just like to see someone snap just for enjoyment or because they enjoy watching someone suffer. An with a logically, but empathetic person like myself. It makes others' easily jealous, angry or just want to press buttons sometimes." 

Reflections:

Remember: "You are not the sum total of how you feel."- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Has your heart ever led you astray? Did you know the truth, or did you ignore it?

- There is one situation that I can really say that I knew the truth too, my daughter's bio said to me one day " You are nothing but sour dirt.", which in my brain I knew what that meant there was previous decay from previous damage, but I can still grow into something beautiful. It was a back handed compliment, which I turned into the biggest form of empowerment and it really made him angry, because each insult was turned into something beautiful. 

2. Are you emotional "sharer" or an emotional "stuffer"? What could be helpful and hurtful about each? 

- Ironically I have two situations for both as to why either can be harmful or helpful. The situation was when I was pregnant, my daughter's bio had molested me in my sleep. At that point in time I was an emotional sharer so I told him the things that really messed me up, and he did a repeat of the things that had been done to me before in a previous abusive relationship. It was helpful to be an emotional sharer, because I wanted to be honest and upfront, however it became harmful because he started to display the same behavior I dealt with in the past. A lot of reactive abuse was done, along with emotional manipulation/abuse. The other situation was when my ex best friend was treating me like absolute garbage, and each time I tried to express my emotions. I would either be bullied into submission or being quiet, so I became an emotional stuffer out of because I was tired of being bullied into submission or her talking about constantly behind my back. It was helpful in the moment, because when I stopped expressing myself or even saying anything she would run out of things to talk about and try to get me to talk. It was harmful, because she would take advantage of that too and try to use my silence against me. 

3. How best do you process your emotions? Alone or with a friend? Talking it out or writing it down? Slow and easy or fast and furious?

- I do best with processing my emotions alone, and when I am comfortable enough I can express with my significant other or trusted friend when I am ready. I usually now that I am more recovered/healed, I do more of talking it out. Sometimes I do write it down, because I have a journal for very topic heavy things. I like slow and easy. I dislike being rushed or expected to be 100% trusting the first time I meet people.

Respond: The next time you are experiencing a strong emotion, hold it in the light of truth. Ask yourself the five W's -who, what, when, why and where - and evaluate how you feel in the light of the higher being's word. Then act on truth.

Tw: healing/recovery/ mentions of abuse/ thoughts/ reflections

Sidenote: It has been a while since I have read a chapter, due to being busy and all especially with the holidays taking most of my attention. An soaking up the last few chapter's and really putting in the work and changing. Progress is progress no matter how big or small.

Chapter 25: Put A Little Sugar On It ( Coach your hands) 

So this chapter really had me thinking about the inner relationship with myself and with those around me, it has been a huge guiding beacon for me because it rose some valid points that I have been trying to express to those around me an even to myself. 

Reflections: 

Remember: " Listen to your life"- Chrystal Hurst

Reflect: 

1. Listen to your life. What hopes do you have for it? 

- The biggest hopes for my life is that my little family and I stay protected from anything sent out to harm us in anyway, that eventually we can get a bigger place and I can get my goals accomplished as an individual. 

2. What about your life would you like to change in the next year?

- I feel that the areas I need improvement on are speaking my feelings and upholding them without the fear of hurting someone else's feelings. Sometimes feelings are meant to be spoken, honesty is the best policy and you can not pave a way forward without it. 

3. Our thoughts and our feelings inform us, but they don't get anything done. What action needs to accompany your hopes and desires?

- The action that needs to be followed is a better budget, keeping an eye on what is being spent and continue to work hard for the things that need to be done in time. It is not a race, slow and steady wins the race.

Respond: Walk through the ninety-day exercise presented in this chapter. Identify a goal you would like to work toward. Pick three things you can do to work toward the goal. Make those tasks a priority and decide on a point in the future when you will review your progress. 

Tw: healing/recovery/ mentions of abuse/ thoughts/ reflections/ mentions of religion

Sidenote: I apologize for the lack of shares of the chapters, I have been through the moving process with my fiancée and daughter. I also needed time to process this chapter and it made me think about it entirely.

Chapter 26: Practice An Attitude of Gratitude ( Choose Celebration) 

When it comes to celebration it can be intimidating, because to me celebrations are usually meant just for achievements and major milestones. As I have grown into an adult, become a mother and also now a wife (here soon) I have realized that you can celebrate anything. You can celebrate being sober, being away from someone who has caused you emotional/mental, and even psychological harm. Of course, forgiveness also ties into celebration, because you have to forgive yourself for not knowing the joyous feeling of unconditional love and support while. I feel like this chapter was the most important for me to soak in because my fiancée and I celebrated with our daughter about moving into our townhouse. Sometimes the smallest victories hold the most important lessons.

Remember: "Celebration is the way you mark the moments of your life." - Chrystal hursts 

Reflections: 

Reflect: 

• Does celebration come naturally to you? Why or why not?  Celebration used to be foreign to me because from childhood/teenage years celebrations were not that important over small things ( sobriety, lifestyle changes, or even being out of toxic situations )  
• When do you take time to celebrate? Do you only celebrate milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions or do you celebrate the everyday? Now as an adult, I take time to celebrate the small things and each day, thank god for the blessings that I have received, and continue to be grateful for all that I have every day.
• What could celebrating your everyday look like? Celebrating for me looks like praying and showing god gratitude for the things I have in my life currently, as well as taking time to celebrate the little milestones and achievements with my family, as well as the big events.

Respond: Spend time today noting what's right in your life. As part of your reflection. Thank God for what's right in your life. Practice Gratitude.

Tw: Healing journey/ Mentions of thoughts, reflections, and religion

I had to take a moment to soak in the last chapter honestly. Therefore, I took the time to sit with the emotions and the feelings the chapter brought forward. Here are the thoughts and reflections of the next chapter. 

Chapter 27: Run Your Race ( Choose Freedom) 

This chapter reminded me of the situation I dealt with last night. I say this because a lot of people get too comfortable comparing someone to another and thinking that it is okay. I can not say that I have not done this, I have and I am guilty of it. Therefore, I have stopped it. However, I can not control other people, and they still do it to me. I have had to put a female friend back down from her assumption, because she was romanticizing the life that I have now, without putting the many obstacles and amounts of climbing that I had to do to get to this point. I am still not perfect, so I am still climbing, and going through obstacles, just like everyone else. Her comparison of me was very hurtful and invalidated my growth quite a bit. Another situation that happened was when my child's godfather assumed that the person he was talking to had been through far more severe trauma and abuse than I have. Which hurt my feelings, because he invalidated my emotions, and also compared traumatic experiences as if there were levels, and the person was somehow winning the race of being more damaged. I immediately corrected his comment, and he apologized. The takeaway from the lessons I have learned through these moments is that it's okay for someone to be sad about not having something, but it is not okay to compare themselves to you or someone else. 

Remember: " God will not ask you how you lived your life in comparison with other people"- Chrystal Hurst 

Reflect: 

• Who do you typically compare yourself with? Name a person or simply a type of person ( Married, Financially secure, Driven, Thin, etc.) 
  - To be honest, I used to compare myself to my female friend, because of how everyone would compare us. At the time, I thought it was right, but as I have grown older. I stopped doing that because there was no need to compare myself to someone else. I enjoy being me, quirks and all. 
•  Why do you compare yourself? In what areas of your life are you envious of others?
  - I never was envious of anyone, I always wanted everyone to be happy and see them win, same feelings as an adult. When I was comparing myself, it was because others were doing it already. They were comparing how similar, and this female friend was.  It also happened again with me and another female friend, the people comparing us were guys that wanted to be with us or couldn't choose between us. As an adult this type of behavior is quite disrespectful to both of us and rather insulting, there is no charming factor in comparing. 
• Take a moment and practice contentment. What's right in your life? What's good about your life today?  I have been practicing contentment, and have been for years now. Currently, what is going right is living with my soon-to-be husband and daughter, upgraded to the townhouse, working from home, having supportive friends, going to church each Sunday, self-help books, and planning for a wedding. There are a lot of positives in my life, that I am grateful to god for. 

Respond: Knowing that you are ultimately living for an audience of one, what are your benchmarks? What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to be? What does God require of you? 
- My benchmarks are to be myself, be authentic, and live a happy life with my family. I want to achieve my wedding with my soon-to-be husband, expand our family some more, eventually get a second car, and prepare our daughter for pre-k soon. I just want to be a good enough mom, flaws and all, as well as a wife to a loving, supportive husband/step-up dad. God wants me to keep trusting the flow of our bond, and connection as a family, continue to trust, and keep the faith in knowing that I am winning already.