I'm tired of keeping quiet
I didn't have the best childhood growing up, I don't remember some things about my childhood, I think I repressed some of my memories, I stay with my grandparents growing up with my brother, I remember being beating, insulted and put down, my grandpa loved my brother, I was always compared to him, I grew up feeling dumb, I was going through my old stuff some days ago, I found my result from primary school, I was surprised that I came 2nd and 3rd in some, how could I not remember because they usually give awards in school, why did they make me feel like that, but I did start to fail at some point though, I remember when my teacher complained I was paying attention in school, zoning out and not complete my notes, my grandma didn't even try to find out what was wrong, when we got home she stripped me and beat me, calling me names and stuff, it was when I went to my aunt house for the holidays that she noticed and took me to the eye doctor, I needed glasses, but I was too young to know, My grandpa acted like I was invisible, he would buy stuff for my brother but not me, he would say stuff like I forgot to buy for you but your brother reminder me, he loves you but you are wicked, selfish and hate him, at some point I did hate my brother, I remember being angry once because I was punished because of him, he was little then, he was following me around and telling me sorry, I asked him to go, he didn't, I was so angry that I took the first thing I saw, luckily it was a pen and scratch him, it's hard to think about it, knowing how angry I was then, I heard that wasn't the only thing I did, It was later I noticed I don't hate him, it was myself I hated, I began to noticed, the small things he did for me, and how he looked up to me, I've left there, my mom carried us when I was 13 For years I've hated myself, it's now I'm trying to love myself,
From being bullied in school to toxic friendship, it's hard, I'm writing a major exam soon, I can't concentrate, I use to have these awful thought before, it left but it is back, I keep having nightmares of me failing, I feel overwhelmed, I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok
I got triggered recently, I was 9 or so, I had snuck out to watch tv, we I came back, my brother was in my spot, I sleep next to my grandma, I didn't want to wake him, so I stay in his spot, which was next to my grandfather, I remember waking up to feeling someone touching and licking me all over, I opened my eye, it was him, I shut my eye hoping it would go away, i don't remember all about the night though, but how did I forget, I find my self thinking is that the only one, what if I have forgotten more, I started touching myself when I was younger, not like I like it, I don't know why I do it, remembering this brought me more shame, I want to get my memory back, I want to know what I've forgotten,
I want to feel confident, I want to stop feeling like I should be invisible, I just want to talk to someone sometimes, I hate being alone with my thoughts sometimes it's scary, Its like a voice telling me how worthless I am, sometimes I want to use a razor on myself, I have never though,
@Awele2005 thank you for not keeping quiet your not worthless and I'm sorry for what you've been through, this is perhaps something you should share with more people such as a support group
@Awele2005
Hello. I am so glad that you are here at 7cups. So sorry about your experiences. Here, you do not have to be ashamed. There are no judgments. When we are young and still, some older people explore their bodies. Many people don't want to acknowledge that, but it is true. I admire your openness and bravery in sharing your story. It took courage. Let me know that you are an honest person.
Have you ever been diagnosed with DID? Some of what you have described sounds like you dissociate the things that your mind has blocked out. It would be to your advantage if you could tell your doctor or a therapist what you are experiencing with the memory loss. Also, I would like to direct you to this site in the Trauma forum, where you can read about DID, which is short for Dissociative Identity Disorder.
I hope things get better for you❤️
Thank you, I didn't think anyone would see it, I recently joined, I've been trying to figure it out
@Awele2005 I'll definitely turn a blind eye if you'd like privacy in venting and don't worry I know you'll find clarity and peace!
I'm so sorry I didn't mean it like that, it's just I've always felt invisible, I tried one app before this, no one replied to mine, the week I remembered I wrote because I was feeling overwhelmed, someone replied but she left me hanging, I got the courage and told a friend everything, she told me she thinks I'm overreacting, that I'm like that I always overthink and overreact, I was surprised, I didn't want to spoil my friendship so I didn't say anything,
