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Day 74, of living in my car
A person named slowdecline asked me to make more vanlifer post so I figured I should if there are people who like them.
Today I spent the day trying to pick myself over bs, my whole life I think I had pretty superficial goals, cool high paying job, nice house, smoking hot wife, awesome friends and family, sweet car. But to be honest these are mainly just things or looks nothing that's really intrinsic. Like are these my goals or goals of others that I adopted in order to fit in. Or even worse are they just goals in developed via societal indoctrination? Idk maybe I'm getting too deep. Either way I don't care about these goals. Not anymore. And that separates me from people. I'm actually fine with being homeless I got used to it, I just hate being screwed over by poverty and being taken advantage of. I also hate not having access to resources that I need. Because of this I think I found my real goal. My real goal isn't to just have my own place or a nice car or a awesome wife and friends and family, my real goal is to be the type of person who can get all of these things easily. And whenever I want. I've had my own place before I've had a nice car I had a best friend before but someone took these things away from me. My car was stolen my replacement car was hit by a drunk driver and then taken by the city. I constantly got ripped off by corrupt landlords and lost housing, I lost the potential wife due to undiagnosed mental illness. The common denominator is me. If I had more money I would have lost nothing. So no matter what I do everything I get will be taken away because that's the environment I'm in. So my goal isn't just to get these things my goal is to keep them. That means I have to be the type of guy who always wins. I realized this funny enough listening to Nas lol. He had a line where he said something like, you dedicate your life to going platinum but you can't do twice, how about three times? Something like that lmao. His point was dedicating your life for the trophy isn't as valuable as being the guy who always gets the trophy. If you only win once that could be fluke but if you always win that's security and true victory. Why only go platinum once when you can do it every year. That's the difference between Nas and a rapper like Gucci. Another thing he says is by the time you can afford it, it ain't even important. And this really resonates. Whenever I can afford something it's always worthless, the ability to buy is always more valuable than the actual purchase. Basically all im saying is, I want to be a better me so that my life doesn't suck. My life shouldn't be this bad it is this bad for a reason, I haven't been investing in it. So now I'm gonna do that unapologetically.
Another thing I noticed is I have 5 core needs these are the things I'm always subconsciously trying to get whether I want to or not. Mobility, home, relationship, future, income. Those 5 are things I've never had all at once. I usually take dumb risk when I'm missing one, for ex when I have no relationships I take risk to being toxic people in my life because I need something, this is something I subconsciously do. I noticed this recently I was legit thinking I was in love with a coworker just because she flirted with me for a week lmaoo I was actually ready to risk my primary source of income on this woman. Luckily my rationality kept me in check. Just as I thought that woman was a walking red flag and she gives pretty much every guy the same energy she gave me. My guy told me NOOOO and I listened. So I need to try to fill my relationship need with safe people even if it's temporary, I also need to secure these needs. When it comes to dating I realized that I've been entertaining toxic women my whole life because I was taught to basically and I developed a avoidant attachment style and antisocial personality. The more i fought this the more I noticed there's a lot of secure and healthy women around me! They just don't like me. I have to develop so that healthy people like me and the only way to do that is to become healthy myself.
When I was younger I had this childish notion of being iron man one day. Today I kinda thought iron man is iron man for a reason. He built his suit if armor in a cave surrounded by enemies using nothing but the remnants from his past mistakes. And then I thought damn that's deep asf for comic book hero lmao. But it's true tho. I think this chapter of my life is my cave. I just gotta build my super suit. Because that's the only way I'm getting out. I spent about 250 bucks investing in credit building, from now on I'm using as much of my money as possible on me.
I'm probably running out of space here but I watched this weird dating video where a guy gets people on stage to do a live blind date lol. The woman said before meeting her date that she likes men who aren't afraid to touch her, the guy said he likes croissants before meeting. When they met the host of the show kept them blindfolded and reached around the woman and picked the guy tricking him into thinking the woman poked him. After this the guy put his arm around the woman making her fall for him, then the host asked the guy what his favorite food is and the guy said croissants and it turned out the woman loved croissants lmao. It made me think that when dating we hide so much of ourselves that people don't even get the chance to win us over or at least I do. Like no guy is just gonna start touching a woman unless he's kinda creepy, most of us are gonna make sure that's cool first. If your a woman the best way to show a guy its cool to touch you is to either say it or initiate it first. But alot of women shoot themselves in the foot with things like this thinking a man who doesn't automatically do this isn't dominant when really it's just a sign of basic respect. I make the same mistake with women by not being open and letting them get to know me, they can't read my mind I have to talk. One thing hurting me is my life is too depressing, I have to make sure my life is awesome and I'm living in my terms. Unfortunately that requires a sacrifice. I have to sacrifice all the negative people holding me back for the future I deserve. I've been homeless for almost 100 days and no one in my life cares. Obviously that means these are people who don't really have my back therefore holding on to them is dumb. I'm choosing me. Like I shouldve done years ago. Like I promised the first day I was homeless this WILL be my glow up!