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Awele2005
523 M Embraced 4
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts78 Forum posts15 Forum upvotes27 Current upvotes27 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 2, 2023
Recent forum posts
TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM
Self-Harm Recovery / by Awele2005
Last post
 August 31st
...See more I started at a young age before I even knew what it was, I stopped when I started staying with my mom, but last year, I slowly started again, before then occasionally, but last year was worst. I opened up to my roommate she helped a bit, she took my razors, I'm 3 months clean, or should I say was, I regressed at first I felt quilty, but then I lie to myself, it's probably nothing, it's not as bad as before, after all I'm not cutting, just pain, now I don't feel anything, and the urge to cut is coming back, sometimes it's all I can think of, I've not yet, I keep trying not to, I don't know what to do,
School problem
General Support / by Awele2005
Last post
 April 6th
...See more Umm, I got accepted into a nursing school, I was very happy, I still am, I've been here for about 6 months, it's far away from home, I recently got diagnosed with mild sensorineural hearing, it's eating me up, I have to sit in front of the class, because I wouldn't really hear the tutor well, I have supportive friends they don't mind repeating what they said or helping me when i don't hear the lecturer, not many people know, I feel so embarrassed when i have to tell someone to repeat, I've cried many times, people laugh when i reply and it's not the correct reply to the question, it's hard to focus in church too, it makes me think how will i cope in clinicals, or the hospital, an elderly woman spoke to me today, she had to repeat herself 6 times before i could understand her, My mom doesn't think I need hearing aids, she says I'm over thinking it, that it's just mild, hearing aids are expensive, the school I'm going its expensive, i don't want to put strain on them,
Sorry... for the ranting
General Support / by Awele2005
Last post
 September 7th, 2023
...See more I feel lonely, worthless and ashame too, the only person I can talk too is my mom, sometimes I want to tell her everything that happened to me, but I don't want her to feel bad or blame herself, she is not really good at emotional stuff sometimes, she is a strong person, so crying is something she really doesn't like me doing, I'm very sensitive, and feel overwhelmed easily, I don't blame her, I didn't tell her what happened, I opened up a bit to her recently, it was weighing me down, I had to talk, it helped a bit talking to her, the dark thought left, it's back, I don't know what to do, nothing has been said since I told her, she said I should try and forget about it, I had unconsciously repressed thing that happened to me, I remembered one event, deep down I want to know all, but she doesn't think I should, she said that might have been the only thing that happened, She is worried a bit as I choose a college far to apply to, I'm trying hard to study, but I just keep having these thoughts that I'll fail, I can't shake it away, all the insult I've gotten from my childhood, of them telling me how worthless and stupid is coming back, when I try to read, I told my mom, not everything but how I'm finding it hard to concentrate, I ended up crying, she told me to wipe my tears, she doesn't want to see me crying again, that I wrote three exams before now, my final exam in secondary school, I passed , why I'm I afraid now, I had a partner I read with then, I read alone now, maybe that why, and this is a college application exam, many people are writing, the oral interview scares me, I can't talk in front of a crowd, I know what to say, but it's like I just freeze, I don't know what to do, My bad habit are back, even if I promised myself I wouldn't do it again, my weight has dropped, I can't seem to get it back
I'm tired of keeping quiet
Trauma Support / by Awele2005
Last post
 September 9th, 2023
...See more I didn't have the best childhood growing up, I don't remember some things about my childhood, I think I repressed some of my memories, I stay with my grandparents growing up with my brother, I remember being beating, insulted and put down, my grandpa loved my brother, I was always compared to him, I grew up feeling dumb, I was going through my old stuff some days ago, I found my result from primary school, I was surprised that I came 2nd and 3rd in some, how could I not remember because they usually give awards in school, why did they make me feel like that, but I did start to fail at some point though, I remember when my teacher complained I was paying attention in school, zoning out and not complete my notes, my grandma didn't even try to find out what was wrong, when we got home she stripped me and beat me, calling me names and stuff, it was when I went to my aunt house for the holidays that she noticed and took me to the eye doctor, I needed glasses, but I was too young to know, My grandpa acted like I was invisible, he would buy stuff for my brother but not me, he would say stuff like I forgot to buy for you but your brother reminder me, he loves you but you are wicked, selfish and hate him, at some point I did hate my brother, I remember being angry once because I was punished because of him, he was little then, he was following me around and telling me sorry, I asked him to go, he didn't, I was so angry that I took the first thing I saw, luckily it was a pen and scratch him, it's hard to think about it, knowing how angry I was then, I heard that wasn't the only thing I did, It was later I noticed I don't hate him, it was myself I hated, I began to noticed, the small things he did for me, and how he looked up to me, I've left there, my mom carried us when I was 13 For years I've hated myself, it's now I'm trying to love myself, From being bullied in school to toxic friendship, it's hard, I'm writing a major exam soon, I can't concentrate, I use to have these awful thought before, it left but it is back, I keep having nightmares of me failing, I feel overwhelmed, I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok
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