For 15 Years
hey,
i hope your doing well, and if your not i'm proud of you for at least being here and making it this far and being alive. it takes alot to survive day by day..
idk if this is meant to be a vent or a rant.... or anything people want to call it. but i just need to lighten the burden in my heart..
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for 15 years... for 15 years i kept falling in the same hole people kept digging like i was some sort they were digging my grave or something. for 15 years i dragged and pulled and did everything i could. for 15 years, i endured the *** abuse at home. wheather it was physically or mentally or emotionally. for 15 years people came in and out of my life and all i felt was alone because they found so much vulnerablity in a child like me. they found so much innocence. and used me like a piece of ***... you know... for 15 years the only thing i learnt to do was keep my gaurd up and protect myself from the people who were supposed to protect me. for 15 years, i tried to please my household but i had already left the hearts of everyone. i had already been a burden on everyone's shoulders. its not like i'm 5 years old anymore screaming for my mommy or daddy... i'm *** 15 years old. And no one can *** take care of me, i can't depend on anyone, i can't even forgive myself because my whole life i pleaded and begged for people's help but no one did anything about it. for 15 years i did anything i could to just get away from it all, for 15 years i hid behind everyone's smiles and lies just so i wouldn't feel suffocated in them yelling at me...... for 15 years, i felt like a burden on everyone's shoulders and just wanted to leave. i'm *** tired of it all. i survived *** 15 years just to hear the same old words people repeat in my ears. "it will all get better" and that i will grow up to be some old *** weird successful person and i would get away from all this ***, and that i can heal and ***. but all i ever see coming is the worse and more worse things. for 15 years, i forgived her so many times. i forgived everyone. yet they keep doing it to me.... i hate to blame anyone man...i hate blaming people. but you know... wrong is wrong. and right is right. i'm just a girl trying to somehow survive in a big scary world but no one gets it you know. no one understands me. i lived a life in fear of everyone hurting me... i didn't have anyone. i depended on myself. i had a little sibling to look after. i had to keep myself upright and keep myself strong for him... and just to survive another day. i didn't ask to come into this world man. why do i get blamed for it. i get it. i was a *** mistake and all. but if she really didn't want me i wish she had handed me over to someone else. i don't want to be strong, i just wanna be safe. i just wanna be safe. for 15 years i did everything i could.... i still live in this wreck. for how many more years will i crawl and run around and live in this disaster? screaming and pleading for help was of no use. the guilt. the fear. the shame. the grief. the emotions that run high every night screaming from nightmares and trying to cry silently so i don't get beaten the *** out of..... or yelled at. i can't even put words together to describe it all... i'm so tired of finding words for it.
*** ***.
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bunny.
@amiableBunny4016
Sweet shining buddy, I know it's tough trying to pull words from somewhere and put them together, so it makes some sense. But you only need it to make sense to you, others do not matter, I for one, think if there's anyone who can put words the best, it's you, you just do it, and it must take a lot out of you to be able to do that. Reliving those horrible moments of abuse and fleeting hope.
You don't need to be strong, friend, you are strong, but you don't "need" to be anything other than yourself. Strength isn't always just in fighting through and making it, strentgh is also in trying to breathe and *be*.
It hurts my heart just thinking how could someone possibly be so cruel to you. None of what you've endured all 15 years is what you deserve. Or what anyone deserves, really.
You deserve safety, to feel safe and to feel loved.
Bunny being, you did soooo great trying to express yourself, lovely, it's starry-difficult to do it, but you did it anyway, and I hope you continue to do so.
Ooh and yes, I agree about those "platitude" like statements that are supposed to "band-aid" our wounds, without even acknowledging that it goes deeper than that, and it would take a lot more than just a band-aid for it to become better, or well, to magically heal.
I feel people offer hope, because that's what most of us have to offer, or what most of us, would want to offer, at the end of the day, yes indeed, it's only the person actually experiencing something that knows how not-easy it is to stay hopeful during such dreadful times, and just how devastating it feels to watch hope slipping away. So let nobody tell you how you should feel, ever. You get to decide, you get to feel, for you. You have that autonomy, and you deserve this autonomy.
I love you, BunBun and I am proud of you, everyday. *hugs tightly* ❤
I think it's ok to lay blame at the feet of those who have caused you so much pain. It's ok to lay it at the feet of the abusers. Everything you've gone through at the hands of those lies with them. The fault - the blame and guilt is theirs to hold not yours but I also know it's not as easy as that
Hope is a slippery slope. It's hard to hold. A little like water in your hands how with time it ever so slowly escapes through the cracks of your fingers. I think people (myself included) try to offer a little hope because we want to believe it will get better. We WANT to believe that with time and space the wounds will heal and we'll see a better future - a better tomorrow. Not just for you but for ourselves as well. But it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with all the rubble on the tracks and debris keeps falling.
Healing is hard and tedious work. Is it worth it? Most days yes and some days no. It's harder right now because you're still stuck in the same h*ll. Because you're still a minor it's harder to get the help you need and deserve. It shouldn't be that way. If anything it should be easier but I know all too well how good adults are at hiding the ugly truths of who they are and what they do. They lie and deny and cover the bumps and bruises under the cover of "clumsiness" and "accidents". They justify their actions because they had a bad day or they're stressed or they have a headache and you breath too loud
I can't promise you anything. I can't promise you that things will miraculously get better one day. You're too smart for that anyway. But what if? What if in 2/3 years you can walk away and never look back? What if you make the decisions and choices for yourself. Just - what if?
@mytwistedsoul
i don't know soul friend. the uncertainty of "what if" makes me wonder wheather i will make it or not. I guess thats my brain doubting me. I'm still young, i don't understand the world the same way you people do, perhaps it may get better. but wheather it does or not... i feel like i'm always stuck in this space inside my head.. Oh well. We will have to leave all that for the future. Healing only comes with time and growing i guess. The uncertainty makes me scared. But you know, it is what it is.
Thank you for your kind words. You don't know how much it means to me. You are one of the only people that actually understand me <3
Bunny :)
@amiableBunny4016 Even as an adult I still have thoughts like this and at times I wonder if I'll make it. When living in an abusive environment it's hard to see it ever getting better because it is still very much your reality. It's hard to imagine things will ever be different
Looks like you have been gone child abuse for a long of time,
I am sorry that happened to you. I am also a COCSA survivor.
Seems like you are also going through hyper vigilance. I hope for your healing.
For help, You can COCSA survivor server on ***. If you can't get it, tell me, I will the link of it.
***= *** (correction)
***= disc0rd