Compliments and Triggers
Compliments and Triggers - @GoldenRuleJG
Hello everyone,
Noticing that others have opposing reactions to compliments provoked me to write this forum piece as well as paying visits to discussions in the trauma community room. I look forward to sharing my written piece below with you. I'm open to hearing everyone's thoughts on the topic. 🙂
Can’t you take a compliment?
Who would be offended by a compliment you may ask? Shouldn't compliments make people feel good about themselves and boost self-esteem? People who have gone through any kind of trauma may find compliments to be objectifying in nature or not genuine. Being deprived of compliments as a child can make oneself question if the compliments have any agenda behind them. Compliments that are back-handed may be racially stereotyped and like comparative compliments can make one feel less than or have anxiety in relation to being put on a pedestal. The individual may then think so now I have to be this pretty, smart, bubbly, outgoing all the time, 24/7. There is a fear of giving someone too high of an identity in a particular area..
Seven Examples of how the triggering types of compliments can be framed in a less triggering way:
Below is a break-down on the examples of compliments that individuals can find uncomfortable:
Race related: “For a person from this race/ethnic group you are attractive/intelligent” , “You are a credit to your race” , “You are so exotic” This doesn’t at all make the individual feel flattered by the compliment and highlights the hostility passively as well as the fetishism towards a certain group of people.
An alternative could just be to exclude the group from the compliment and exclude the focus that the person isn’t of western culture: “I find it attractive that you…say, do this, have (compliment distinct features not body parts - could be that they have dimples)
Appearance related: “This dress/shirt looks great on you”
For those who have experienced SA generally this compliment will make them feel objectified and make them think “oh so you only see my as someone with a body and not a heart”
Make it genuine drawing attention to the individuals values or personality:
“This shirt compliments your fun personality”
Rare occasion based: “You look great today”
If an individual wasn’t used to praise as a kid or received negative feedback on their body image they may retort with “So I did not look great yesterday?” This “in the moment”, present terminology may leave them feeling like they don't put in effort in their outer presentation in general.
An alternative could be “That’s a well-put together outfit” You can appreciate the style and color, pattern co-ordination of an outfit someone is wearing.
Comparative compliments: “You are so much smarter than x,y,z” “you look like this celeb (considered attractive)
Comparative compliments can make the individual feel like they are being put on a pedestal and make them more prone to perfectionistic tendencies. They may not even find the celeb you are comparing their looks to as attractive in their own eyes although this celeb is in the top 10 list of most attractive actor/actress (e.g. Aishwariya Rai). Always wanting to stand out can be draining!
An alternative could be to just individualize the compliment “You worked very hard on this assessment and the results you’ve received from the hard work you’ve put in are terrific”, “This color really compliments your eyes”
Age based compliments: “For this age you look amazing”
Age based compliments can be exhausting for someone. Why can’t it just be that I look healthy? Age shouldn't stop anyone from wanting to feel their best.
“What an amazing fresh hairstyle you’ve got!”
The Romantic vibes compliment: “You’re beautiful”
This feedback may be flattering for some: it could be complimentary towards someone's personality, quirks or action (e.g. lets say someone who doesn't express themselves very well getting told they are beautiful because for the first time they show their raw, vulnerable emotions on their face). Compliments can potentially feel safe if you have a deep relationship and mutual respect.
In general this compliment can elicit a strong reaction if the person sharing the compliment is in the receiver's eyes attractive or unattractive. They may think “So I’m only important because of my looks” or “Stay away - I’m not interested in you romantically.”
If this compliment was being said to a male they may find the connotation feminine and embarrassing if they are more rooted in their masculine side.
“You look beautiful”, “You look handsome”, “You are a beautiful communicator. I appreciate talking to you, you make me really interested in the topic you just talked about”
Term of endearment: “Love, Honey, Darling, Sweetheart”
Some people can view these terms of endearment as cute pet names they would use with significant others. They may even find it ok or appropriate if someone of their grandfather or grandmother's age use this as it feels affectionate. These might be terms so rooted in the culture the individual lives in that they may not mind if called these terms of endearment in Southern America or London.
Those who have gone through trauma may feel patronized hearing those terms or if we look at it from a gender perspective because of terrible interactions with the opposite or same sex, some men and women can feel less than.
Use the person's name when you give praise: “I love your new hair color Alex!”
For any compliments to be on the safe side, be neutral and use less absolute terms to give compliments “must”, “need”, “always”, “perfect” and give evidence on why you are giving them the compliment and clear intent behind why. Let them know they are a work in progress 🙂
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This post was written by a member of the Trauma Sub-Community Writing Team. You can find a masterpost with all the posts of this team linked here. If you want to join the team, please apply here. Also, please comment if you want to be tagged in future posts.
Many thanks.
Credits and appreciation to:
@auidenta: thank you for your valuable feedback, you were encouraging 🙂
@InsightfulPhoenix: thank you for your trauma discussions - they helped me get to know about where and whom my ideas can be shared with 🙂
As someone who has a hard time taking compliments, I can really relate to this post. I feel like I mostly relate to the "is there a hidden agenda?" category personally. I believe this stems from my childhood growing up with so much criticism that I do not believe the compliments I'm receiving deep down. Also, when I used to get compliments, they were often times coercive in nature. Great post. This really resonated with me.
I appreciate the kind feedback - I wonder if some compliments in anyway felt like you can only be (insert positive comment: example lovable if.. ) if you are like so and so or if you don’t do so and so (example: don’t be so emotional) Not having any idea of where your strengths or good points are as a child because you did received very little encouragement can make you feel suspicious of any compliment. Almost like having a rule set of what you should not do can make you think hey what is the catch? This can feel like flattery only and not a compliment. Perhaps there is feeling that there is a performance behind someone’s compliment.
Are there any specific compliments you find sincere or believable?
@GoldenRuleJG
Apologies for the super late reply, but thanks for your feedback to my post. You ask a great question. Very rarely do I find compliments sincere, but I know that is a "me" issue, and not reflective of people in general. I do think that if my dad says something good about me, that it is true, because he's very selective about compliments and he's blunt in his old age, so if I could believe anybody, it would be him. As far as a compliment I believe, I do believe I'm intelligent (although just typing it makes me recoil inside like it's arrogant to believe something good about myself), so I do think I would find that compliment sincere because I believe it myself. I also believe I am resilient, so if I heard that I would feel it to be sincere because of the same principle. This makes me see that I believe a lot of truly negative things about myself.