Compliments and Triggers
Compliments and Triggers - @GoldenRuleJG
Hello everyone,
Noticing that others have opposing reactions to compliments provoked me to write this forum piece as well as paying visits to discussions in the trauma community room. I look forward to sharing my written piece below with you. I'm open to hearing everyone's thoughts on the topic. 🙂
Can’t you take a compliment?
Who would be offended by a compliment you may ask? Shouldn't compliments make people feel good about themselves and boost self-esteem? People who have gone through any kind of trauma may find compliments to be objectifying in nature or not genuine. Being deprived of compliments as a child can make oneself question if the compliments have any agenda behind them. Compliments that are back-handed may be racially stereotyped and like comparative compliments can make one feel less than or have anxiety in relation to being put on a pedestal. The individual may then think so now I have to be this pretty, smart, bubbly, outgoing all the time, 24/7. There is a fear of giving someone too high of an identity in a particular area..
Seven Examples of how the triggering types of compliments can be framed in a less triggering way:
Below is a break-down on the examples of compliments that individuals can find uncomfortable:
Race related: “For a person from this race/ethnic group you are attractive/intelligent” , “You are a credit to your race” , “You are so exotic” This doesn’t at all make the individual feel flattered by the compliment and highlights the hostility passively as well as the fetishism towards a certain group of people.
An alternative could just be to exclude the group from the compliment and exclude the focus that the person isn’t of western culture: “I find it attractive that you…say, do this, have (compliment distinct features not body parts - could be that they have dimples)
Appearance related: “This dress/shirt looks great on you”
For those who have experienced SA generally this compliment will make them feel objectified and make them think “oh so you only see my as someone with a body and not a heart”
Make it genuine drawing attention to the individuals values or personality:
“This shirt compliments your fun personality”
Rare occasion based: “You look great today”
If an individual wasn’t used to praise as a kid or received negative feedback on their body image they may retort with “So I did not look great yesterday?” This “in the moment”, present terminology may leave them feeling like they don't put in effort in their outer presentation in general.
An alternative could be “That’s a well-put together outfit” You can appreciate the style and color, pattern co-ordination of an outfit someone is wearing.
Comparative compliments: “You are so much smarter than x,y,z” “you look like this celeb (considered attractive)
Comparative compliments can make the individual feel like they are being put on a pedestal and make them more prone to perfectionistic tendencies. They may not even find the celeb you are comparing their looks to as attractive in their own eyes although this celeb is in the top 10 list of most attractive actor/actress (e.g. Aishwariya Rai). Always wanting to stand out can be draining!
An alternative could be to just individualize the compliment “You worked very hard on this assessment and the results you’ve received from the hard work you’ve put in are terrific”, “This color really compliments your eyes”
Age based compliments: “For this age you look amazing”
Age based compliments can be exhausting for someone. Why can’t it just be that I look healthy? Age shouldn't stop anyone from wanting to feel their best.
“What an amazing fresh hairstyle you’ve got!”
The Romantic vibes compliment: “You’re beautiful”
This feedback may be flattering for some: it could be complimentary towards someone's personality, quirks or action (e.g. lets say someone who doesn't express themselves very well getting told they are beautiful because for the first time they show their raw, vulnerable emotions on their face). Compliments can potentially feel safe if you have a deep relationship and mutual respect.
In general this compliment can elicit a strong reaction if the person sharing the compliment is in the receiver's eyes attractive or unattractive. They may think “So I’m only important because of my looks” or “Stay away - I’m not interested in you romantically.”
If this compliment was being said to a male they may find the connotation feminine and embarrassing if they are more rooted in their masculine side.
“You look beautiful”, “You look handsome”, “You are a beautiful communicator. I appreciate talking to you, you make me really interested in the topic you just talked about”
Term of endearment: “Love, Honey, Darling, Sweetheart”
Some people can view these terms of endearment as cute pet names they would use with significant others. They may even find it ok or appropriate if someone of their grandfather or grandmother's age use this as it feels affectionate. These might be terms so rooted in the culture the individual lives in that they may not mind if called these terms of endearment in Southern America or London.
Those who have gone through trauma may feel patronized hearing those terms or if we look at it from a gender perspective because of terrible interactions with the opposite or same sex, some men and women can feel less than.
Use the person's name when you give praise: “I love your new hair color Alex!”
For any compliments to be on the safe side, be neutral and use less absolute terms to give compliments “must”, “need”, “always”, “perfect” and give evidence on why you are giving them the compliment and clear intent behind why. Let them know they are a work in progress 🙂
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This post was written by a member of the Trauma Sub-Community Writing Team. You can find a masterpost with all the posts of this team linked here. If you want to join the team, please apply here. Also, please comment if you want to be tagged in future posts.
Many thanks.
Credits and appreciation to:
@auidenta: thank you for your valuable feedback, you were encouraging 🙂
@InsightfulPhoenix: thank you for your trauma discussions - they helped me get to know about where and whom my ideas can be shared with 🙂
I appreciate being one of those people who have helped you on this journey of being able to vocalize things that you always wanted to say! Compliments are hard to take when usually those who have traumas towards childhood, like myself don't believe that someone else actually sees their uniqueness and magic as an individual. Now I wont say I always took compliments, I have my moments lol. I have been working on taking compliments from other's. Naturally I catch myself still saying "Oh really?" or " I never thought..".
However, ever since doing a lot internally healing and slowly getting back to working out, my mind has been a wonderous place. Compliments are necessary I feel because it helps assist/ show a person that they are worthy of all things beautiful. No one is perfect, so we should all be finding ways to love the imperfections we all carry
@goldenrulejg
@InsightfulPhoenix This is a powerful message phoenix - sometimes i can see the mind picks and believes in quantity and as some with trauma are so used to negative reinforcement or punishment it can go like "ok so what do you want?", "what are your intentions with me?" when someone does compliment you. I wonder if sandwiched feedback comes off more genuine ? <3
@InsightfulPhoenix thank you for thinking of yourself and what you need and doing the work phoenix!!! <3
This is a really insightful post! Thank you for taking the time to write this and put your thoughts to paper because so many people go through this and may not talk about it! I definitely have found myself being affected by the rare occasion based compliments, but I think some of it definitely has to do with me as well 😂 Probably a little bit of both sides! Thanks Golden! Great job!
@LittleBirdie30 im glad you find this thoughtful birdie! If perhaps a person says a compliment in a tone that's threatening, back-handed it can erupt - its kind of like saying the clothes makes someone look great on this ocassion rather than normally. It can appear like indirectly saying "normally you look like this but today you've made an effort - what if you just like a more laid back dressing style?" How we use our words carry a lot of impact.
I agree! ð©·
@GoldenRuleJG thankyou for opening out eyes to this ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 🙌:) aww thanks tiny
I came across this and think this is a good example
to explain to others whom think it is odd or strange for people who have a difficult time taking compliments or may read more into a compliment then was intended.....
i think as a person who has not always taken compliments well..............many i felt were backhanded ... then others around me quit complimenting all together .....which has given me more issues in feeling unappreciated.
@toughTiger6481 yeah it can feel like hey this compliment isn't genuine because of how its delivered and on the other hand feeling starved of compliments. I wonder if on one hand the compliments can make you feel validated depending on how its delivered vs feeling like you are not good enough if they aren't given at all.
Sometimes people dont give compliments out of their own insecurity or having negative evaluations of whenever they do hand over a compliment.
Thank you and everyone else for your insights :)
@GoldenRuleJG
I knew that not everyone will respond positively to compliments, but this post is insightful, and opened my eyes to the deeper reasons behind this topic.
I'm glad I used one of the alternative suggestions IRL (in real life) yesterday :D Will keep the suggestions in mind for future.
@AuRewolf awww awesome to know that 😊
Hiya, Thanks so much for this post!
As someone who has usually received compliments when the complimenter “wanted something from me,” I’m geared to High Alert and Suspicion when I receive a compliment that I don’t feel is warranted by any of my past behavior.
I think some people who have experienced trauma might see compliments as a form of “grooming,” and that is not leading somewhere good, so the false sentiments ring hollow.
Thank you for tackling this important topic.
I’m working on better receiving honest and authentic compliments, and as I accept myself better, it’s slightly easier to do!
Love,
Patience
@PatienceImpatiens happy to contribute patience :) Sometimes that shield will go up especially when something reminds you of a triggering experience - its good that you are also working on accepting the harmless compliments (you want to appreciate someone gave you praise in a respectful way). Its can be tough to form a callous to what is a genuine compliment and not I wonder if it would make a difference if someone said "i think ", "personally, in my opinion" before giving the positive feedback
hope you all are having a restful week <3
Thank you for writing and posting this, it's an important topic that I'm glad is being discussed.
As someone who doesn't take compliments well, it can get a bit tedious when people don't really understand why. For both parties, I'm sure. It's nice that this knowledge is shared in this way, and the examples and alternatives are definitely good for everyone to keep in mind. Trauma can do all kinds of stuff to a mind, so even the positive things that most ppl take for granted can become a big monster.
It's also good to remember that there are more types of compliments that ppl might struggle with than just these seven. I'm not good with any kinds, really, especially when it comes to compliments about my personality and such. Due to my trauma, disability, all that I've gone through in life, I see myself very differently than other ppl do. And there's stuff that I don't show if I can help it. So, receiving compliments that contradict what I see in myself can lead to all kinds of negative feelings that the other person might not really know about. And I know I'm not alone at that.
But still, this is a really good start to what I hope will become a good conversation, and thanks for that.
Thank you for the feedback OneErased - I’m open to hearing from your experiences too if you want to share. Open to anyone sharing what compliments they don’t like too 💛
Compliments I will say can feel like overestimation depending on how you see yourself - you can think you don’t deserve it or your struggles are sidelined when you get complimented . Maybe some don’t like being praised on things they find easy to do?
@GoldenRuleJG
it is an insightful read. I could relate to most of it. I used to compliment like "This shirt/dress looks good on you". I understood now, that it might not be the best compliment to everyone.
Lovely to hear that you find this insightful - can really depend on what someone is wearing I think for that comment unless others want to chip in ? Like let’s say it’s a skin tight clothing for men or women maybe they won’t like a compliment in that way. Some people don’t want to be told that clothes p out the emphasis on their figure so that might cause insecurity if they have body image issues or if they have experienced trauma.
Giving compliments can be really difficult because we may not know what the other person values, or what they would like attention to be paid to (if at all).
I have worked with survivors over the last decade and have found that it is quite common for compliments to be difficult. The underlying common patterns that I have noticed are mistrust at the compliment giver because it reminds them of the grooming process and puts people on edge. Which is totally logical right? After all if people were only nice to us when they wanted something from us it is natural to feel suspicious.
If our self worth is damaged it can also feel confusing as to why someone might love or care about us. Then there are those who have suffered narcissistic abuse, who are familiar with the 'love bombing' stage. Compliments can sometimes cause fear, wondering when the person is going to switch to belittling us.
Struggling to tolerate 'positive' emotions is another hurdle that many face. Sometimes survivors have never felt ok and when they experience safety, kindness or compliments it can be unfamiliar. Our nervous system might not know how to process the new feelings that come as a result.
For those with neuro divergencies such as autism, there can be a more defined black and white idea of morality as well as social masking. I personally have experienced difficulties in trauma therapy where my therapist has tried to help me reframe my actions as 'good' in a terrible situation. My sense of truth/morals is more absolute than situation due to my autistic black and white thinking. My therapist and I initially missed the moral self injury I was stuck processing. Other times I have masked through situations and suppressed my trauma responses to be more socially acceptable, which has been mistaken for healthy coping strategies. Which people have then gone on to compliment me on, further instilling the belief that my authentic self would not be socially acceptable/lovable.
I share these insights because understand why complements trigger me help me with feeling less fearful and triggered. In my supporting roles, when I do not know someone, I er on caution and try to remain neutral to avoid triggering. When we have established a mutual sense of safety and understand their value system, compliments might be more appropriate. Obviously everyone is an individual, with different experiences, beliefs and triggers. I hope my sharing this is helpful to listeners and members in some small way.
@CompassionateArtist Thank you for sharing your perspective
I can only imagine very tough to navigate the social world neurodivergence or personality disorder or many other misunderstood conditions.
Its tough to trust when toxic relationships in the past have put people on guard in accepting a compliment which came from a place of having an agenda instead of being sincere. Kinda like "i will compliment you so you do things for me not because i mean it" mentality. Yeah I do agree we need to be so mindful of what is good for us may not be the best fit for others and letting this be - like art - you may like a van gough painting or you may not - doesn't make anyone right or wrong - just different perspectives.
I wonder what would be a kind way to tell someone you did not feel safe with the compliment they gave
Hope everyone is having a relaxing week.
@GoldenRuleJG I'm not very good at taking complements or praise, I almost always feel really awkward about it. I have one friend though that gives 'backhanded insults', he'll give complements framed as insults. Those I don't have any issues with and I actually like them.
I’m hope for each and every person a conversation can happen within their relationships and friendships with regards to boundaries :(
I wonder if a prompt such as “what do you mean by that would help?” Or “I don’t find this helpful”
@GoldenRuleJG my friend has a weird way of expressing himself and it's hard to explain. Most people get thrown off, but he's a really good person and I know when he complements people the way he does that it's really genuine and means he admires and respects them.
ok Emerald as king as you know where you stand with him and are ok ❤️I appreciate that you are seeing any weirdness in his communication with kindness as you’ve seen the good moments with him. Honesty is the way to your heart I can see. As long as you both are happy in your friendship😊💛
