Recent memories
I'm a part that has been fronting for about more than a month now. I thought I was going to be the new host but not sure anymore. Maybe me being in denial about some things is the reason for that. Myself and a few older parts switch often now and it doesn't feels like anyone is a specific host? Some memory gaps here and there feels really scary for me. I've started to remember a few events from our childhood and they are related to abuse. But I don't remember all the emotions behind those memories like how some of the other parts remember it with all the emotions they felt. I think becoming aware of some of those memories is good for processing and healing but it also feels scary to me
I think maybe it is better to have a host or some part laying down some ground rules. Because we are dissociating alot and I'm not liking the increasing memory gaps.
No one tells me anything. None of the parts older than me tell me much. They're older because they have been there longer than me. Sometimes I feel better that I don't know much because I get upset when memories from our childhood come up. I don't always feel included with the parts that have been there longer than me
@pencilmarks That's an an issue here too and I have no idea to fix it. I'm sorry you're having the same problem. Its really hard when you know there's things going on with everyone but they won't tell you what it is
Another part Ann feels upset but still no one tells me much. We had our regular physical health checkup with the doctor in the last weeks. We were partially undressed for that regular checkup. And at that time another nurse just came into the room without any warning or letting us know. It triggered Ann alot and a child part. She was just internally screaming. It made me upset too. I think the doctor saw that on our face and said that, don't panic we all are professionals here. I know that they are all professionals but it was scary for Ann. I wish that the nurse hadn't come into the room without any warning when we were in a partially undressed state. It seems like a small thing but it has thrown off Ann alot which makes me upset too
Nothing seems to work right and we just fail fail fail in everything. Our work place or any other place does not seem to understand that we struggle with doing some things because of our mental health which isn't always the best. No matter the amount of effort we try to put in, the result is always fail. I'm not sure if something is wrong with us intellectually too. Makes me think sometimes that what if we are being over sensitive or being over dramatic? Was Ann being over sensitive when the nurse walked in without warning? Was her panic over dramatic? I don't know. Why did our abusers hurt some parts? Did we do soenthing do deserve it? I don't know. Everyone goes through things and they get back up the times they fail. But it feels like we keep on failing and with every failure there is less energy to get back up
@pencilmarks Hello there, we've been wondering how you are and hoping everything is ok.
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry this took me so long to see. She isn't at the front now. Thank you for your thougtful reply. It means very much <3 We've been struggling with some things but trying to do ok. How have you been, if that's ok to ask
Ann
@pencilmarks Hey Ann :) Its ok - there's never any pressure to reply. I'm sorry to hear that you're all struggling with things. Its ok to not be ok too but i understand the trying to be ok
Things here are - probably the same as with you. Struggling but still trying. Thank you for asking :)
Be gentle with yourselves - you'll be in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you alot. I hope you can be gentle with yourself too. I'll always remember your kind gesture and reply <3
@pencilmarks You're welcome and thank you too :)
@pencilmarks Hey :) You've popped into my thoughts - sending you good vibes
@mytwistedsoul
Sending you loads of good vibes too <3<3
@pencilmarks Thanks! 🙂 💜
I keep losing time and just feel very confused whenever I front and I'm supposed to take care of things but I can't seem to in this state. Ann has been really controlling. I get that its her trauma and protective of paranoid nature. But I feel like she gets really controlling towards what other parts do or don't do. She considers everything as a danger. We don't have a control over who fronts or who doesn't or when but I think that Ann somehow doesn't let some parts front because she considers it traumatic for us. I think she should let them front and not consider everything as a danger because it is making things hard
@pencilmarks I'm sorry all of this is happening! I'm sure it must be overwhelming when Ann doesn't let others front and when you lose time. I know losing time is still scary for us as well. What have to done to communicate these thoughts and feelings with Ann? Has anything been helpful?
@SolaceCares
Thank you <3
Nothing has been helpful so far. I know Ann tries to do grounding to manage her paranoia but struggles with it which sometimes effects us all because her emotions feel very strong then. I don't know why or how she tries to suppress other parts when they front for long. But I've not felt her suppressing me maybe because I'm sort of the new current host. She thinks it's a danger to let others front. I've tried communicating and the only thing I've gotten from her is her saying that I need to trust her and it's for our well being
Jess
@pencilmarks Just wanted to say hey :) You've been in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you <3
We are trying to do ok. How have you been if that is ok to ask?
jess
@pencilmarks I've been trying to be ok too I guess. Thank you for asking. Some days that all we can do and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. One day at a time