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My first post
eheart432 July 9th, 2023
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I like to journal my thoughts so ill just post a recent journal I wrote.

TW: suicidal ideation


I just don't know how to cope with being alone all the time. I decided to go back to Reddit but no one really stands out. I tried to reach out to two people. I deleted my first message after having an episode and then I reached out to another person and they haven't responded so I just feel really blocked right now. I just feel like something is telling me I'm meant to be alone and I can't talk to anyone but I honestly feel like I'm starting to lose touch with reality. My priorities are clearly off, I can't seem to grasp why I'm alive or why anyone would want to be alive, or how anyone could possibly bare it each day. I don't want to be here at all anymore. But I guess that's just a summer feeling that I seem to have every single year leading up to my birthday.

I'm trying to get to the bottom of the suicidal ideation associated with summer. It kind of feels like brain damage or something. I feel like I have been so damaged from an accumulation of terrible summers that I can no longer bear it.

I'm trying to understand the purpose of solitude like if I can just see how it benefits me then I won't fight it as much. Solitude was never a second thought for me but as I've gotten older, I really don't like how bad I feel every day. I don't associate being alone as a bad thing but I guess it's getting old? I don't see how that's possible but it's like the aloneness is just becoming loneliness. On top of that, I don't have any motivation to be myself — like dedicate time to hobbies. I just want to sleep and wait for Fall because I associate that with school (and social contact). It's not like I really see anyone at any specific season but it's just absolutely unbearable in the summer. I think I've heard that passive social contact is good for introverts like we seem to do better mentally with at least being in rooms with people.

I feel like I'm aching like I just feel so overwhelmed that this is my life. I just can't believe this is my life. It hurts so badly that I have no one in my life to rely on or just simply speak to or hang out with. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault and I must be completely socially inept and unlikable but sometimes I think that the universe is trying to keep me this way. I think you can learn something from any experience but I just don't understand this. I really feel that my mental health has worsened and that I'm less open to people. I feel like I can't even trust my intuition.

What's bothering me the most is that this has been recurring, every July. I need to understand why this is so specific. Since I associated it with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), I wanted to see a therapist but that won't happen for a long time. I just need something, literally anything to get me through this. I feel like Im drowning.

I think I've had so many bad experiences with people that I have embedded them into my identity. I believe that relationships will never be easy and I simply cannot have friends. I just think it will always be painful. I don't know if this is true because, since my transformation, I have not made any real friends—I haven't had prolonged contact with anyone. There is nothing to compare my experiences to. I don't know if I have truly changed or not. Im not sure if I ever will know because I feel like ill always be alone.

4
Mya000 July 14th, 2023
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@eheart432 I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It takes a lot of courage to share your thoughts and emotions, and I'm glad that you're reaching out. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and struggling with feelings of loneliness and isolation.

While I'm not a mental health professional, I can offer you some general support and encouragement. It's important to remember that you don't have to face these challenges alone. Even though it may feel like you're meant to be alone, it's worth exploring different avenues to find support and connection.

You mentioned that you're interested in understanding why you experience these feelings specifically during the summer. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is often associated with the winter months, but it's possible to experience similar symptoms during other seasons as well. It's a good idea to consult a mental health professional who can help you explore the possible reasons behind your recurring struggles and provide appropriate guidance.

I understand that waiting to see a therapist can be frustrating, but there are other resources available in the meantime. Online support groups, helplines, and forums can provide a space for you to connect with others who may be experiencing similar challenges.

Journaling can be a helpful tool for self-reflection and processing your emotions, so it's great that you're already using it. Additionally, finding healthy outlets for your emotions and interests can also play a role in improving your well-being. Engaging in activities you enjoy, even if motivation feels low, can provide a sense of purpose and help alleviate some of the negative feelings.

Remember, you deserve support and understanding. Don't hesitate to lean on the resources available to you, and keep exploring different avenues for connection and self-care. You deserve support, understanding, and compassion.

LostTurtle2 July 15th, 2023
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I understand SAD well. I have both winter and summer. Winter is too dark when i come back home from work. I used the light box for a while but didn't see much effects. January is the hardest is it's cold and holidays are over. Then summer is too brutal in terms of heat and humidity where I live. June and July are the worst.

I also feel alone more than I would like. I don't have close real life friends I can connect well with. Simply acquaintances, coworkers and family. Online is the best opportunity to meet people. But even then friendships come and go. Part of that is cultivating friendship required time and energy. When you're depressed, energy is in a short supply.

I encourage you to reach out to many listeners. Sometimes people make longer term friendships just by talking to each other.

WorkingitThrough2 July 18th, 2023
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@eheart432

Hi, I am the Froum Supporter, and just thought I would check in and see how things are going for you. Also, just a reminder that we are here for you. You don't have to walk alone.❤️😊


eheart432 OP July 18th, 2023
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Thank you for reminding me of this post. Things have improved for me in an unusual way. A couple acquaintances reached out to me and invited me to see a movie this weekend. I also was invited to two concerts for local bands coming up soon. I got an email today that I made Dean’s List at my university. I also met an organizer in my community who invited me to local community events for August.

Its honestly been a strange turn of events but I feel a lot better about myself and the people around me. I hope I can keep this going!

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