eheart432 Member Profile

...See more I like to journal my thoughts so ill just post a recent journal I wrote. TW: suicidal ideation I just don't know how to cope with being alone all the time. I decided to go back to Reddit but no one really stands out. I tried to reach out to two people. I deleted my first message after having an episode and then I reached out to another person and they haven't responded so I just feel really blocked right now. I just feel like something is telling me I'm meant to be alone and I can't talk to anyone but I honestly feel like I'm starting to lose touch with reality. My priorities are clearly off, I can't seem to grasp why I'm alive or why anyone would want to be alive, or how anyone could possibly bare it each day. I don't want to be here at all anymore. But I guess that's just a summer feeling that I seem to have every single year leading up to my birthday. I'm trying to get to the bottom of the suicidal ideation associated with summer. It kind of feels like brain damage or something. I feel like I have been so damaged from an accumulation of terrible summers that I can no longer bear it. I'm trying to understand the purpose of solitude like if I can just see how it benefits me then I won't fight it as much. Solitude was never a second thought for me but as I've gotten older, I really don't like how bad I feel every day. I don't associate being alone as a bad thing but I guess it's getting old? I don't see how that's possible but it's like the aloneness is just becoming loneliness. On top of that, I don't have any motivation to be myself — like dedicate time to hobbies. I just want to sleep and wait for Fall because I associate that with school (and social contact). It's not like I really see anyone at any specific season but it's just absolutely unbearable in the summer. I think I've heard that passive social contact is good for introverts like we seem to do better mentally with at least being in rooms with people. I feel like I'm aching like I just feel so overwhelmed that this is my life. I just can't believe this is my life. It hurts so badly that I have no one in my life to rely on or just simply speak to or hang out with. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault and I must be completely socially inept and unlikable but sometimes I think that the universe is trying to keep me this way. I think you can learn something from any experience but I just don't understand this. I really feel that my mental health has worsened and that I'm less open to people. I feel like I can't even trust my intuition. What's bothering me the most is that this has been recurring, every July. I need to understand why this is so specific. Since I associated it with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), I wanted to see a therapist but that won't happen for a long time. I just need something, literally anything to get me through this. I feel like Im drowning. I think I've had so many bad experiences with people that I have embedded them into my identity. I believe that relationships will never be easy and I simply cannot have friends. I just think it will always be painful. I don't know if this is true because, since my transformation, I have not made any real friends—I haven't had prolonged contact with anyone. There is nothing to compare my experiences to. I don't know if I have truly changed or not. Im not sure if I ever will know because I feel like ill always be alone.

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