How to Support Someone Facing Domestic Abuse
How to Support Someone Facing Domestic Abuse
You think someone you know, someone you love, is experiencing domestic abuse. Youve looked up the signs and noticed changes, and now youre almost positive. Or, they feel they can trust you, and have confided in you. So, what do you do? How do you talk to someone about this? Domestic abuse is something we already struggle to talk about casually, but when you know someone who might be facing it first hand, its even more serious, and even scarier. And if you find it scary, know that it is much scarier and harder for a survivor. There are ways you can help though, which well discuss below.
Start the Conversation
Starting the conversation if your family member or friend hasnt opened up yet can be very uncomfortable, but reaching out can also help in the long run. The Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence suggests telling your loved one what you see. Inquire about a physical injury, or changed behaviour. Let them know you are concerned, and let them know you are there for support.
Don't Judge
Most important to note, if you find yourself in a position where you are concerned for someone you know, please do not be frustrated if they are hesitant or not ready to leave the situation. There are a number of reasons a survivor might struggle to leave. Abusers work very hard to minimize their victims, so your friend or family might feel like they cannot survive on their own. In addition to this, a victim/survivor might be fearing for their safety. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, a victims risk of being killed will be significantly higher if they have just left or are trying to leave their abuser. In fact, an average of 3 women die at the hands of their current or former partner daily. Remember, if your friend or family member is in abusive relationship, this means their partner is exploiting an unequal of balance of power and control. Trying to force your loved one to leave is just one more person trying to control them. The decision to leave their partner and abuser has to come from them.
Be Supportive
One of the most helpful things you can do if you suspect someone is facing domestic abuse is to be there for them. Be there to talk, to hug, to cry, to listen. Be what your loved one needs. Make yourself available for them. And, if you have the means, offer them assistance and support if they do choose to leave, either through providing shelter, food, financial assistance, or just companionship. The process of leaving will be difficult, and being alone could make it even harder.
Educate Yourself
Another thing you can do is educate yourself on what resources are available, so you can pass them on to your friend or family member if needed. It might be risky for them to search for a hotline or shelter themselves; if their abuser saw it, it could get them hurt. Learn about any hotlines for your country, any shelters nearby, local laws, and programs there to help. If child custody is at all involved, find out if your area has programs for free legal services for women leaving domestic abuse.
Empower Them
Create an environment where your loved one feels empowered. Like I mentioned above, the decision to leave can only be made by the survivor. Realize that this decision will be hard to make, and will require a lot of strength. Rather than forcing your loved one to do something, help them regain their confidence. Remind them that they do have power and control, even if their partner makes them think otherwise.
Be Patient
Lastly, be patient. It takes an average of 7-13 attempts before a survivor is able to leave. Your help and support probably will not make things better right away. Gaining independence and leaving an abusive partner can be a long and trying process. Just remember that for every bit of frustration you might experience, that you are helping someone not be alone during a very difficult time in their life.
Resources Used:
http://nnedv.org/downloads/Stats/NNEDV_FAQaboutDV2010.pdf
https://www.womensaidni.org/domestic-violence/frequently-asked-questions/#10
http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/01/how-to-help-a-loved-one-experiencing-domestic-violence/
http://www.safetotalk.org.uk/professionals/good-practice-guidelines-when-supporting-a-victim-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse/
http://www.mcedv.org/what-do-if-you-suspect-someone-being-abused
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/support-a-friend-or-family-member-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx
@Rebecca Excellent info! Never be afraid to ask, because they are more afraid to say it.
At least I know I was and really could have used a friend armed with this information. At the time I truly didn't think I deserved the help and everyone was looking the other way.
Be the one the break the barrier....
Not to diminish what this article is trying to get at (I mean there's good points here, honestly) but this is mostly just me being frustrated. I'm just about ready to give up on my sister to be honest. She's been given so many opportunities for help, even ones that will minimize her interaction with her abuser, ones that will keep her safe. But she never takes them, even when she says she will, even if those opportunities will work in the end because the courts are on her side. She never takes them. Not only that but she's often hateful towards family members who try to help her. How can you even support someone like that?
@mimameid Sometimes when people are acting like that, much later on they will say that it was because if they didn't the abuser would hit them or worse and they were terrified. Please don't judge or give up on her. There is no way for you to know what is really going on behind closed doors. If you shut the door on her she may never be able to leave. If it's hard and you need a self-care break that is one thing, but try to keep the doors of comunication open. Abusers often try to isolate their victoms from their families so if you abandon her you will be playing right into the abusors hands. Best wishes,
@resourcefulPond1641
No. She has a way out she just won't take it. Did you know she was once living in a safe environment for a while but she went back? She's called the police on him multiple times, and they told her what to do but she never does anything. And what makes you think I'm shutting a door when there's literally nothing I can do? I'm just done trying to find ways to help her. She needs to do that herself. We've provided ways but it's HER turn now. And I have every right to be angry about this, thank you very much.
@mimameid it sounds like you have exhausted yourself and every possible thing you can do for your sister. At the end of the day, as you said, it's time for her to make the choice for herself. All you can do is try to support, but the decision to leave has to come from her, you can't force her. You especially don't deserve hateful behaviour; while she might be lashing out because of the abuse she is suffering, that doesn't automatically make it okay or make you any more deserving of being hurt. I hope that your sister starts to take the steps she needs to take, and that things improve for all of you. Best wishes.
@Rebecca
My sister doesn't accept any support she's offered. You can't just see my example as your typical domestic violent abuse case. She not only went back to an abuser, but at one point she chose him over her own child when she wasn't even being threatened by him at all to do so. It's something I will never be able to understand (and something that makes me incredibly angry just thinking about it). All y'all telling me to pat her on the back or something in understanding but there comes a point where you just can't sit back and talk softly at someone anymore.
Sorry if I'm coming off as aggressive. This is a very sensitive topic for me regarding my sister and those points that you've given haven't worked in my situation. At this rate I don't see her ever getting away from him. :(
I know this post is quite old but I've just seen it, this is very helpful as someone I care deeply for is going through this and for the longest time I did not know what to do, thanks for shedding some light 💛
So important! I wish I had known this earlier.
