Childhood Abuse..
This took place while I was a child.. I'm 30 now, I've moved 1,700 miles away from the problems..
For context.. my dad wasn't a nice man.. he wasn't a drunk or a drug user by any means just under a lot of stress.. so when he got home from work (Iron working) all day he would come home and usually iwas the first person he found.. and he would beat me.. belts, switches.. you name it he probably used it.. I survived obviously.. but my issue isn't letting go of what happened.. it's trying to cope with I'm never going to be good enough for him.. that as his only daughter to him and my brothers I mean nothing. I have lived where I am now for almost 6 months and the only person I have heard from is my mother. Thats it.
Look what I want to do is send him a letter.. just telling him my feelings.. but I know it won't change anything.. he would probably just blame it on me tell me it was all my fault because I failed in school.. and because my room was never clean.. if home wasn't horrible maybe I would have done better in school.. maybe if I didn't get beat for what my brothers didn't do.. I wouldn't feel like I do..
I need opinions.. or advice I'm open to any of it.. Someone to talk to about it all.
Thanks for reading.
@TheFriendlyMartian
Hey there, thank you for sharing, that in itself takes a lot of courage 💜
I'm so sorry to hear that you went through abuse as a child, and that it was from a family member. Family is a place that you should feel supported and feel able to be you. I wonder how you coped with it at the time, and how you cope with any trauma now?
It sounds like you are grieving having a family relationship, and that's understandable. Its okay to want to cut ties, and it's okay to want to try and resolve things.
We can't give advice here, as it could be damaging, but we are trained to listen, and I hope that we can help you to find a way to work through this.
I wonder what would be the pros and cons of sending a letter, or something similar?
I can hear the rational fear that things would be dismissed, and sadly, often abuse is.
Regardless, I'd like to finish by reminding you that your trauma is valid. You matter. It is not your fault.
💜🌞
Hey there, thank you for taking the time to write back to me.
I'm writing back to answer the few questions you left for me.
As a kid when all of the abuse was happening or just after it had occurred on that day I remember staring out my bedroom window and telling myself "Tomorrow is another day.. it'll be okay.." I think I saw it somewhere either in a book I read or in a t.v show.. but that really helped me to cope back then.. and continues to do so to this day.
As for dealing with it as an adult.. It's something I've been trying to work through sometimes I have nightmares about it.. it always starts with me as a child playing in the yard, I hear my name be called by my dad and I go in .. but then it turns bad and I get thrown down and dragged down the hall by my hair where I get to sit in front of my bedroom door and watch my dad destroy it because it wasn't "c lean" enough for him. *sigh* I now as an adult cope by putting that man in the friendzone because he doesn't deserve the respect of being called my dad..
As for the pros and cons.
PRO: I get what I need off my chest and he knows my feelings..
Con: he either doesn't take responsibility for his actions.. or he tells my entire family and they come after me like a pack of wolves..
I moved 1,700 miles away from them and by golly I'm glad I did.
@TheFriendlyMartian
I'm glad you had that mantra to repeat back to yourself, that's so right, that tomorrow is another day, and having the optimism that things might be better. That takes courage, especially during abuse, it's so easy to lose hope, that things will never get better.
Those nightmares sound scary 💜 and I know how difficult it can be, because you can't exactly control nightmares!
Maybe if you want to send it, you could work on what you will do for both responses?
*Hugs if okay* I admire your courage ✨💕
If it ever came to sending that and the response is the whole family comes after me..then I guess I'd just cut them all out and move forward.
But for the moment let's go back in time about.. well actually 15 years ago. I met my bestfriend and her family. They took me in and essentially rewired my brain to know that I don't have to fight for attention in their house that it's okay to be myself and also there will be no harm. To this day 15 years down the line they still take it easy on me. They know that if they just come at me and yell I immediately get defensive or I shut down and run away. It's not intentional it's just how I handle conflict.. I'm flawed in that way I guess. So .. when we say "a pack of wolves" I mean my biological family will gang up on me.. corner me and make me feel like well like crud..
So I honestly have no idea where to go from here.. I can say something.. or I can try to forget that he exists.. I just don't know.
I feel like our experiences were very similar. I am so sorry you are hurting. I know it’s hard. You need to remember that the abuse wasn’t about you. It’s not that you weren’t good enough for him. The problem was your father!!! Try to place the responsibility where it belongs. You can write to your father but prepare to either get no response or a negative response. Few abusers will own up to what they did. I confronted my parents and didn’t feel better at all. They even apologized but they also gave a laundry list of excuses. I don’t think you need your father back in your life. You need to heal but you don’t need him for that. Take care of yourself! You are worth it and deserve better than what you had
I appreciate your response.
I understand all of this and trust me I have tried to move on.. it's not that I blame myself because I dont, I was a child and I know I didn't deserve half the beatings I got. I know for a fact he won't ever apologize for any of it. I've come to terms with that portion now.. which is one of the 3 reasons I moved 1,700 miles away. I wanted a fresh start.. and I've got it.
I'm sorry to hear that your story is similar to mine..no one should have to endure any of what we did but hey remember this if you don't take anything from what I say take this:
Anyone that has lived through abuse is NOT a
victim they are a survivor and nothing less of it.