Abuse Awareness
Abuse Awareness
-radiantgrace89
INTRO
In relationships people typically feel passionate love, companionate love, and unfortunately when abuse is at play, fear. An abusive relationship, oftenly unexpected/unforeseen, is a relationship which stems from the desire in one partner to gain or maintain control over the other. While abuse comes in many forms, all abuse leaves the victim in an emotionally or physically hazardous situation.
EMOTIONAL VS. PHYSICAL ABUSE
While physical abuse: the use of physical violence to endanger another person is a common culprit in abusive relationships, its counterpart emotional abuse: the use of yelling, name calling, blaming, and more does just the same damage, maybe even more. Emotional abuse, designed to chip down at the victims self worth makes them feel awful about themself. Emotional abuse in intimate relationships also may lead to the feeling of entrapment due to the false idea of being nothing without their partner. In tearing down their partners self esteem and worth, emotional abusers work to make their victim feel unwanted, because if this becomes apparent they are less likely to leave. In society emotional abuse is often overlooked. Even in relationships where abuse occurs, victims fail to recognize the abuse, because there is no physical proof. Something that connect emotional and physical abuse in domestic violence however are the emotional consequences; depression, low self-worth/esteem, feeling emotionally numb, and more.
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE
While all abusive relationships vary, the average predictable behavior of most abusers is known as the Cycle of Abuse. The Cycle of Abuse starts off with the tension building stage. In this stage, the abuser typically searches for the victims faults, in order to create tension in the relationship. Usually in this stage the victim will try to control the behavior of the abuser, however this tension is like a ball on ice, unstoppable, leading to phase two- the incident. The incident can be verbal, physical, or emotional abuse. The incident is usually so great it leads into the third phase- reconciliation. In the reconciliation phase, the abuser almost feels a sense of guilt, and because of this they typically deny the abuse occurred, or convince the victim theyre overreacting. The last phase of the Cycle of Abuse before it repeats, is the calm phase, also known as the honeymoon phase. In the honeymoon phase, the abuse is forgotten, and things seem to go back to normal. This phase is the most heart wrenching phases for victims typically, because the person they know, is kind, and their relationship appears as if its back to normal.
HOW TO TELL IF A FRIEND IS EXPERIENCING ABUSE
People who are being abused might…
Agree/go along with what their partners says
Constantly check in with their partner
Talk about their partner's jealousy or possessiveness
Have frequent injuries they blame on accidents or wear clothes to hide these marks ( long sleeves in the summer)
Have a lower self esteem
Show personality changes. An extrovert might become withdrawn, exhibit depression and/or anxiety.
Abuse is not the victim's fault. While commonly thought, abuse is simply the abusers loss of control or moment of weakness, this is a justification. Abuse is a choice- instituted by the abuser in their attempt to control the victim.
While dealing with an abusive relationship on the outside seems easy, being in the position of the victim one will find easy is an understatement. Whether that be a child and their parent or an intimate relationship wanting to restore in the opposite person the part they once loved.
DISCUSSION!
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (200+ languages, Canada/Mexico/US)
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673
Sources:
Avanduyn. Cycle of Abuse. Wikimedia Commons, Media Wiki, 10 Apr. 2009,
commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png.
Smith, Melinda, and Jeanne Segal. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Recognizing the Signs of
an Abusive
Relationship and Getting Help. Depression in Older Adults: Recognizing the Signs of
Elderly
Depression and Getting Treatment, Helpguide,Org, www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm.
Why Do People Abuse? The National Domestic Violence Hotline, The National Domestic
Violence
Hotline, www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-abuse/.
Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships? - The Hotline. The National Domestic
Violence Hotline,
The National Domestic Violence Hotline,
www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/.
What is the difference between emotional and physical abuse?
What are some signs a friend might be domestically abused/in an abusive relationship?
What should and/or would you do if you were in an abusive relationship?
@radiantGrace89
I think you are asking for responses to you questions? If so here is my input...
What is the difference between emotional and physical abuse?
One is physiological harm that impacts the persons sense of worth as a human being, level of attractiveness etc and the other is a physical injury, perhaps of a sexual nature also.
In my opinion you cant have physical abuse without emotional abuse also. The cycle of abuse you have shared describes the grooming process to set up the victim to be conditioned to accept the abuse. Often in the honeymoon phase the abuser will become so wonderful and charming that you simply dont want to leave when the abuse begins again. You find it more difficult to detach because you are so in love with them and your mind holds onto the hope that you can get that part of them back and everything will be great again.
What are some signs a friend might be domestically abused/in an abusive relationship?
5 signs of emotional abuse to look out for are:
- Being degraded, this can be sarcasm, jokes at your expense, negating your feelings or telling you that you are over sensitive when you speak up against it. All of these things are used to erode self esteem and stop the victim from recovering a healthy sense of self in order to keep them in the relationship.
- Accusing and blaming, the person never apologises for being wrong and cant laugh at themselves. They can act like all their problems are other peoples fault and its ridiculous to suggest they may be at fault in any way. If you do you will be met with a disproportionate anger response. They are perfect and spend most of their time pointing out the imperfection of others.
- Dominating or controlling behaviour that is aimed at stopping you from living independently. This could be controlling finances, who you are allowed to talk to/isolating you from others who are not in the control of the abuser, putting down your dreams or plans for your life, this might look like belittling or a sense of superiority over you, being unable to think for yourself without checking with the other person if your decision is ok.
- Neglect is a massive component. Silent treatment, stonewalling and not telling us what we have done wrong. Often puts the relationship into a parent child dynamic that withholds affection/attention and further erodes self esteem. It can also trigger the fear response if that person also has control of your life functions like finances, ability to get food etc as it because it escalates the fear response to a survival issue.
- Enmeshment and co-dependency, this is different from domination and controlling you as it treats you as an extension of the abuse and removes your ‘permission and therefore ability to think of yourself as an independent person. They may make choices for the both of you, or share inappropriate information with you that go against your personal boundaries, all in an attempt to enmesh you in their sense of reality. They might ignore your wants or needs in favour of what they say is best for you in an attempt to squash your attempts to be yourself.
Main warning signs for physical abuse before the first ‘event:
- The victim talks about the abusers actions being done out of love for them. Review the honeymoon phase, there will be signs of this even in thois phase of the relationship.
- If you are feeling that you are concerned the other person may become violent your gut is giving you warning signs. If you have a friend who is expressing this to you, encourage them to take action before it escalates further. Once physical abuse starts it is much harder and more dangerous to try to leave. Reassure them that is it not irrational to be afraid even if they try to justify that the abuser loves them or cares for them deeply. Love doesnt mean fear, it should feel secure and safe.
- For romantic relationships, the pace of the relationship is faster than normal, leading you to commit early on and make it harder to leave.
- Anger is the first response to a perceived wrong, even if the abuser hasnt directed violence at the victim directly they might show violence towards animals, inanimate objects or have near misses such as throwing things or driving erratically in the car etc…
- Constant checking up on you, tracking your physical movements.
- Signs of jealousy, agitation for things that take you away from the person. Talking about you as a possession.
- Inability to keep boundaries. If you say no that should be the end of the discussion, not a point for them to negotiate with you on and make you feel like giving in is the only opinion for the abuser not to see your boundary as rejection. This is how they maintain control and keep your boundaries lowered or removed.
- Physical isolation, transferring their opinions onto others who might disagree with them in order to isolate your physical contact with the person. Stopping you from participating in social events, interests etc… sometimes known as love bombing.
Signs you are at risk of serious injury or homicide:
- The hair stands up on the back of your neck, it might be the way they look at you, the look on their face or a change in their eyes.
- Escalation of the previous points, for example, they cant live without you, you might be physically with held from leaving, or told that you leaving would ruin their life or get them in trouble.
- Removal of your right to privacy, reporting increases to surveillance of all communication and contact. Physical tracking via GPS, phones and other methods.
- Needing you to follow their will escalates to complete submission, refusal leads to physical violence, or other punishment.
- Increased isolation, moving you to a physically isolated place away from your support network.
If you apply this as a friend, you will be looking for evidence of the above in how your friend describes their relationship. You may also want to ask them to clarify their points, if they look down or say things like 'Im being silly' this can often say as much as them admitting to you what their intuition is saying. You may also notice a withdrawn demeanour or flat affect, especially in children/teens.
For physical abuse, notice if they seem to suggest they are unusually clumsy, perhaps 'I fell down the stairs again', but you dont see evidence of being that clumsy in daily life say at work OR it is happening so frequently that you think its an unlikely coincidence. Take note of any injuries you see on the person, especially the face, neck, arms, legs and hands. Keep them in a diary with the date and times you noticed them – this could be the only record of the abuse that can be presented in court to protect the person when they are ready to leave the abusive situation.
Im sure there are more things but this is a good start!
What should and/or would you do if you were in an abusive relationship?
Im not going to suggest what I did as it was risky, the point in which you leave is statistically the most dangerous time for the victim and can lead to serious injury or homicide. Ive researched this topic a lot and the following points seem to be suggested on multiple sources:
Make a plan to leave:
- Get yourself a flight bag ready, if you will be leaving with children you need to do this for them too.
- Make sure you have access to important documents, passports, identity documents etc.
- If possible try to have money stored in a safe place.
- Research a shelter or safe place to go to when you are ready and plan your route to get there.
Keep a record of the abuse
This could be a diary in your drawer at work. Simple notes with dates and events will help. If you can take pictures or recordings this will help, refer to them in your diary also. Make sure that your abuser cannot get access to this information as it could endanger you.
Download the Aspire App on your phone
Its an app aimed at women in domestic abuse situations and is disguised to look like a harmless app on your phone. You can find more info here: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/aspire-news-app/
The resources given on this thread are also helpful.
@LifeIsMyCanvas Thank you so much for your response. I definitely learned a lot from your experience, and through your detailed and procedural answers, someone will be helpedall the more!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you for this 
What is the difference between emotional and physical abuse?
Emotional abuse uses words and actions to belittle, neglect, insult or degrade a person. Emotional abuse can be to manipulative, trying to get someone to do what they want or think how they want. Other times its simply taking out anger with no greater aim than to hurt and cow a person. Emotional abuse can also be threats to cause physical damage, or death.
Physical abuse involves physical damange to a person without their consent. Hurting or damaging them when angry or just for fun. Sexually abusing a person. Physical damage will often leave a mark, however there are many ways to hurt a person without leaving one.
What are some signs a friend might be domestically abused/in an abusive relationship?
- They act differently when their partner is around.
- They stop sharing their day etc. with you, and dodge questions when you ask.
- They arn't sleeping well, overeating or undereating etc.
- Joke about not liking close contact and are very jumpy.
- Getting ill ALOT.
- They call you for help instead of their partner.
- They validate behaviour that is controlling.
- Start looking down on themselves, self esteme issues.
- They love their partner one day and hate them the next.
- Arguments with their partner get brushed under the carpet and nothing gets resolved.
What should and/or would you do if you were in an abusive relationship?
Leave. You should leave. Obviously that is not always easy, and requires planning, but don't stick around. Do not get stuck in their games again, they will promise you the moon and stars afterwards but thats just so you will stay so they can use them again. Once you have given someone a chance and they have abused it you need to go.
Tell a friend, call a hotline, a family member. Make sure someone else knows. If you have children ask friends/family to look after them for a bit if you feel they may be in danger. Ask if anyone has a place you can stay. There are services setup to help this kinda thing (in the uk defs, not sure about else where) and use them!
Its so hard to trust someone after this kinda thiing, but not everyone is out there to hurt you <3
@radiantGrace89
What is the difference between emotional and physical abuse?
I would use a metaphor. As illnesses, both are real but physical abuse is tangible as you can feel hurt and see the aggression, as you can measure diabetes in a patient. Emotional abuse is similar to a mental sickness, symptoms are there but they are not visible inmediately. Wounds from emotional trauma areore extreme, as the brain heals slowly and requires a lot of work from the patient and his therapist.
What are some signs a friend might be domestically abused/in an abusive relationship? You can see a change in their behavior, as they are more concerned in avoiding situations that might stress their partner, despite their own discomfort.
What should and/or would you do if you were in an abusive relationship? I would detect the boundaries that are being crossed and be honest about my discomfort about the situation. I would be aware of keeping myself safe, as bringing a friend to be with me in the confrontation or being in a public place. I would state I want to stop seeing that person, even if they promise they will improve. If it gets dangerous, I learned self defense, in the case I need to be secure and run from a situation safe
My therapist recently introduced me to the idea of a trauma bond, which ties in with the psyche of the person being abused. This is a great article and I wish more people were aware of what goes on in abusive relationships even when there aren't bruises/physical marks!
I also found a great article today about breaking the trauma bond for all of you survivors out there: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175
@bluePond427
Thank you SO much for that article. I'm having a really difficult time with the Trauma Bond.
@bluePond427 Good article. Thanks for sharing it.
Here's what I've gathered as for my history with abuse in life and at my residential treatment center by my roomate.
******************************************************************I do want to put a Pre-Trigger Warning just because of the mention of abuse. I want you to be able to take care of yourself(ves) because I care greatly. **************************************************************************
What is the difference between emotional and physical abuse?
Emotional: Ignoring
Physical: Common forms from spitting, kicking, hitting, biting, scratching, pushing/shoving, hitting, sexual (a whole other situation), neglect (another situation), hair pulling, and more.
What are some signs a friend might be domestically abused/in an abusive relationship?
Behavioural changes are common. More isolation, "shutting down", often times over-apologizing will occur. Unexplained marks, scratches, bruising, pains on the person's body. There might be some confrontational feelings/expression if you were to attempt to ask, "Is anyone hurting you, by chance? Maybe abusing you? I'm worried. I care." They might reply with, "No! Never! Why does it matter?!" Sometimes this is when they might "shut down".
What should and/or would you do if you were in an abusive relationship?
It was not a relationship. But the most recent case of abuse was at a Residential Treatment Center I was at. I was to scared to tell anyone. I don't like playing victim. I was giving my power away to my roommate. I was too intimidated by her. She had a history with gangs. Sometimes if I knew she was going to try and hurt me or do something, I'd try to change the subject onto something she liked to talk about, or I knew about her. I'd try to distract her. Once occasion she was trying to break one of my clothing bins. I brought up the topic of a hospital we had both previously been to. That distracted her.
But a few times, I had asked her, "Why are so angry so much?" "So, does it make you feel better when you hurt others?" And a few times I got answers that were just heartbreaking. She had been abused when she was younger, so it made her feel better when she did the same. I tried talking to her about that a few times. I think she just needed someone who would actually listen to her and hear her out. I grew less afraid of her in nature. But I was scared of what she could do.
About a year and a half when I got out of Residential Treatment I finally brought up the topic of this whole situation with my school social worker. We talked a little about it, but I did not like talking too much about it. Then I brought it up with my personal therapist. I had tried taking my life at school, and so that's [the whole roommate situation] sparked it. But once I was able to bring it up with my therapist, I felt a little better. But I felt so angry at myself that I A) Let it happen. B) Could not get the courage to tell any staff at the facillity.
Then I ran into financial issues with my family situation, so we had to cut the amount of appointments with my therapist. But over the course of some 5 months, I've been dealing much better with everything.
