Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Sunday 21st of October, 2018
Hi Trauma Family,
Today we are going to look at Internal Limits, and how Boundaries and Identity are related.
We all have feelings, impulses and desires but sometimes these are not good for us or might hurt other people. The Internal Limits we have are related to self control, it is not about repression of our feelings or impulses, its more of a pause point to look at whether those feelings or desires serve our longer term goals.
This could be an urge to act out self-harm behaviours or eating disorder behaviours but these are likely to compromise our long-term recovery goals and possibly leave us feeling bad about ourselves.
How does Trauma affect our Internal Limits?
* Often relational trauma effects our ability to develop a sense of identity. This is because the demands and needs of others can overtake ours or cause us to not develop a core sense of self that is separate from our abusers.
* Our stress levels increase and our nervous systems become stuck in a fight, flight or freeze response where we live on survival auto-pilot.
* We might not know which parts of us are ours and what parts of us, such as core beliefs, have been instilled in us through trauma.
How do we set Internal Limits?
* Imagine how you would like your life to be in the future. When you have a feeling or urge ask yourself, ‘will acting on this bring me closer to or further away from the future I want?
* We talked about beliefs recently, our beliefs and values are a core part of our identity and should provide insight into what our internal limits should be.
* How we act is a massive part of how the world views us. It is the external reflection of our identity. Think of a 2 way mirror, we are able to look inside and see outside of ourselves but others are only able to see the outside.
Todays exercise is to think about a couple of things that you want to have in your future life. What Internal Limits will you need to achieve that future self?
If you dont know that is ok, lots of people have discovered and revised things whilst on the journey. Today is just a first step, we dont need to see the whole stair case.
If this is not your topic today, I invite you to take some blankets and cookies and if you have a little bravery, ask yourself what is blocking you from the first step today?
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@LifeIsMyCanvas
Canvas ❤️
@LifeIsMyCanvas
It seems that most things require knowing my identiy. Knowing who I am. I thought I had started to find my identity, but now I don't know. I don't know what is me, what I was taught or what was learned to survive. I don't think I can begin to know what to look for in a future until I know who I am.
I'm not good with internal limits. I know that the self harm and other behaviors are impulsive and aren't good. At the same time they are the only way I've found to cope. To deal with things.
@practicalIdeal2007
I hear you. I struggle with identity too and am working through it. I'm not sure we can 100% know what of us is organically us and what came from trauma or experiences. That said, I did come to a personal realisation that survival instincts of the past are not so helpful in the present and definately not what I want in my furture. I think that was enough for me personally to start with and then as I accepted the things I didn't want I would research different ways of being and try them out. We can't stop coping the way we are now without something healthier to replace it with or we will be overwhelmed and unsafe. Once I'd tried a few out (over a fair amount of time) that helped me work a bit more on exploring my identity now and furture 'me' I wanted to be.
Does that help a little bit more?
I also wanted to say it's ok to be where you are at now. These are just some tools or ideas if you aren't happy with the way things are for you.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I think I should know more about who I am than I do. That I shouldn't be so impulsive and I should have learned better ways to cope by now. I can do some things like a normal adult. When it comes to regulating emotions and reactions to certain things I'm like that 5 yr old still. It's frustrating and confusing that I can't seem to react and behave my age. I slept in the closet last night cause it was the only place I felt safe, what adult does that? Sometimes I think my family is right and I am worthless and I just need to get myself together and grow up.
@practicalIdeal2007
I remember my counsellor talking to me about 'I should' or 'I shouldn't' statements. I feel like they bring shame on us when we are already struggling with accepting ourselves.
How about changing up the way you talk to yourself? Perhaps like this...
I think I'd like know more about who I am than I do. That I'd like be less impulsive and learn better ways to cope now. I can do some things like a normal adult. I want to focus on regulating emotions and having more mindful reactions to certain things. Emotionally I still feel like I did when I was a child. I recognise that it's frustrating and confusing that I react and behave differently ftom others my age. I slept in the closet last night cause it was the only place I felt safe, I did that for my inner child but what does my adult self need? I know I'm worth investing time into, I want to achieve my goals and be the best person I can be.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Sorry It's taken me so long to respond. I had to think about this for awhile. The record playing in my head is often the voices of my family and what they want or expect of me. For many reasons their opinions probably don't matter.
I'm working on giving myself more grace. I'm not there yet. I like the way you rephrased that. It's a more positive way of looking at the same thing. Thank you for that.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hey beauty, I missed you.
I've been having an awful day week and year. [Content removed by Kate] I told someone and I got into trouble and yelled at. Apparently I don't need help because it doesn't matter. Even though it does ... I cried for hours i was just freaking out . I cried for so long. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't know what to do. I had someone say before that the only way you would get anymore help Is you almost die from an attempt. I cried ... I need help. I honestly had my therapist say that and she told me that ... I'm in intensive treatment and it can't get anymore intense unless I go to a hospital. Then she said well you don't go there unless you have a serious attempt where you almost die. I feel so awful I just want to sleep forever
@Hope7879
Hey Sweetpea,
I hope you know that I love and care for you very much.
It makes me very sad and concerned for your wellbeing when you are feeling suicidal. Its totally ok to have those feelings and I understand that home life is very hard for you at the moment. Please remember that as much as we do care for you, we arent able to give you crisis support because we dont have the resources to get you the help you deserve to have.
Please, please call a crisis line in your country when you are feeling this way. They can help you get to the resources that you need and are trained to care for you when you feel like this. There is also https://www.imalive.org if you are not able to access a phone. They chat with you online, a bit like a 1-1 listener chat here on cups but with a crisis support person.
Im really sorry you are feeling so bad, and Im also sorry that I have to ask you to not provide explicit details of suicide attempts/trauma. There are lots of members here who struggle with similar issues and I dont want them to be triggered by specific details.
Please be safe hun, we all love and care for you and dont want to lose you.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thanks :)))))))))
@Hope7879 Hey Hope. I want to echo what Canvas has said. We want you to be safe and we care for you. Please let me know how I can help or what resources I can help find for you.
It's the end of another checkin, you all did great
I am off to do my chores (boooo) before bed (yay sleep). Take care
@LifeIsMyCanvas night!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Night Canvas. Thank you for the checkin today.
Hi @LifeIsMyCanvas
I took those first steps most of all last week... not all went well but I think I moved further along in some areas. I got to say it wasn't all on my own though. My body just isn't right. It will never be right. That's why they have to fix it.
Today I found out some devastating news. My friends niece was murdered. I feel very triggered to relapse because of this aaah so I am just trying to share what I am feeling . Thanks
My weekend was bad. I stopped a friend from taking their life. I won't go into details because its too traumatic for me. Even writing these words are hard. There are not enough words to express what took place, the pain and suffering we experinced. In the process of saving someone else life I got hurt too. I should feel like victorious, but I don't. I feel defeated. I feel exhausted. I feel angry about everything that happened. I feel like somethign died in me too.
