Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Sunday, 21 January 2018

@Compassionatelistener108

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Good morning, CL -- still waking up, but will be back for a proper check in a bit later on. For now, just thought I'd pop in to add the first half of the tag list, which seems to have been truncated somehow -- it happens 💛🍪

Good Morning Family:

Just thankful to be alive this day realizing that all I have is what is now. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not come. So to take a minute or two and stop take a deep breath and just observe my surroundings and the chaos around me, and willingly choose to just take some me time. So I've sat down with me a cup of freshly brewed coffee and I refuse to participate for now.I give my self-permission to take a break.

I am sick with the flu that my grandson brought back into the house and it's been hard playing nurse mate to everyone and letting my own needs go. Even the dog has the flu bug, but it will get better.

I

So do, I just do it on here? Hope I don't put this is the wrong place. Dealing with PTSD from child hood abuse (1-8 from biological & 11-17 from step father) its affecting my entire existence now. Today was the birthday of my daughter that passed 8 weeks ago at a week old. My husband and child are my triggers. I attack my husband with my pain and anger, using words. Sometimes really hurtful ones. I mean no harm. But once the trigger has happened. My brain kicks into "victim" mode. He retaliates and fights back. I think I'm losing my bestfriend (the husband) because I am struggling. Haven't self harmed for 1 year...until tonight. I feel so ashamed and now have to hide it away. :(

I am a bit nervous to be here. I had a really traumatic experiance with a family member and my other family members really acted like i was at fault or it wasnt something to be concerned about, that adds even more pain and concern. It was so bad i moved out of my parents very soon afterwards. I wish my family would recognize what happened, and that it could happen again to someone else such as my younger siblings

@Compassionatelistener108

How do you all know when it is time to push through a challenging time? Do you feel comfortable stepping back from a difficult time and revisiting it when something inside tells you it is time to take a deep breath?

Hi Compassionate, Those are good questions. Yesterday I was thinking about why lately I'm barely able to just keep going through the basic motions of my life (get up, show up, return home, return to bed), without making much progress what so ever, and doing more of "one-step-forward, three-steps-backwards." And, I think in looking at your questions, that a big part of my "battle fatigue" ones from really having NO real choice except to keep going despite not having ANY (offline) support system (composed of family, friends, or social service support), & I HAVE to keep pushing through irregardless how severely I am physically sick & I am, how incredibly depressed I feel, how financially flat on my face & broke I am, how major my trialsS are, and how great the casualties and losses are along the way. I can step back for a minute or two, long enough to take a deep breath, but it doesn't help me or make me stronger to face life. Maybe because with my Aspergers, I interpret things literally, I may look at your questions from a different perspective than you intended, or others have, but I DO NOT equate, "Pushing through a challenging time," as "dealing with the challenge," "getting counsel/help to talk through/process the challenge," "working (effectively) through the challenge," and/or "being on a path to successfully begin to move through, and/or beyond the challenge," and "continuing to move forward in recovery, and with healing." I have had multiple traumatic experiences, major losses, and life collapseS, and I have just had no other choice eXcept to keep trying to get up after each and every frequent knock down...and wearily pushing myself through the mess and pain, stepping around, over, or on the wreckage (shattered pieces of my life), and moving on through... to try and deal with the next immediate, or oncoming trial. My inability to deal with the black hole of pain from my past trauma, and the accumulation of undealt with issues, trials, huge losses, pain, my inability understand how to live independently with my disabilities, and my inability to gain access to, and afford the therapeutic support & services I was (am still am) in dire need of...led me to try and end my life twice in January of 2014. Following my second attempt, I ended up alone, hundreds of miles from my home, in an ICU unit of a hospital for three weeks, before being transferred to a regular medical unit for another week. After that I was discharged to return home, back across state lines, to get after care closer to my home. But even though I worked tirelessly, day and night, online, and off to find & get help...I could not find the affordable psycholigical (or ANY) help I needed to talk about my well executed attempt, or what I now was going to/needing to do to heal and move through that serious and traumatic experience. As hard and desperately as I tried to hang on, hang in there, and survive with even a sliver of hope for my future, the truth is, that when I traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles away from my home that January, without certainty I'd ever return (alive), I did not have a "Plan B," if I did live. So, after 10's of thousands of dollars were heroically spent by hospital personnel "saving" my life, (a life I did NOT want spared), I returned home...alone, angry to be alive, and without actually having a "life" to live. I'd lost, prior to my attempts, anything that constituted a life, other than a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually sick body, that was still greatly struggling, and breathing. There was no "salvaging" what was left of my life. All that remained were mountains of problems, debts I could never possibly pay in any amount of given time, and more major losses to face without anyone beside me to lean on, listen, offer a hug, or any professional willing to help me sort through the muck. And so, on the exterior, I aimlessly pressed on "through the challenges," but never working through ANY of the things that drove me to try, for the 5th time, to end my time on earth. And, I pushed on through the aftermath of staggering depresseion, only to be faced alone with more and more serious problems, and additional traumas I was unprepared to deal with by myself. Now, 4 years later, I've slowly made gains, only to be quickly setback by trials I had NO control over. (Meaning, I've been very mindful, & intentional not to set myself up for "chaos" and/or self-sabotage my progress). I currently have a therapist with experience treating PTSD, but due to my very limited finances, & multilple insurance co-pays for therapy and several other doctors I need to see on a regular basis, I cannot see my therapist consistently enough (on average, not more than once monthly). And, on top of the challenge of my therapist not clearly understanding Autism, and how the challenges inherent to the neuro-biological disorder, and how it greatly impacts my life, and daily functioning, there always seem to be new, negatively imactful problems that surface in between my therapy appointments. I guess my question is, (& has been for most of my trauma-filled life), is: HOW AM I EVER GOING TO MAKE PROGRESS (with healing & recovery), WHEN I DO NOT HAVE THE LUXURY TO RETREAT TO A BLANKET FORT FOR EVEN A FEW HOURS HERE OR THERE, OR HAVE THE OPTION TO TAKE A "BREAK FROM LIFE" TO REST, TO TAKE A SABATICAL FROM EMPLOYMENT, TO STEP UP MY MY TIME & FOCUS IN THERAPY & ON RECOVERY??? The more I keep trying to eeek by fincially on a limited income (SSDI & PT work), while an UNlimited number of bills come my way day after day, & how do I keep going (without a car or affordable transportation), while my health & hope decline???

Hi there. So. Am new to this forum and fairly new to 7 Cups. Had made some good progress re emoti al flooding incl w/ some help from a listener here.

Then today I got triggered. I shared some personal info wirh someone I thought it was safe to share with: e.g. keep it confidential, don't judge, ideally be compassionate. Thry asked me a question about mysrlf which I answered at length. And thrn they told me what they thought wqs true (of something only I can know avout myself).....and it triggered me....1) it was like I wasn't even in the room; 2) it threw me back to that atatw when my virthbfamily would tell me how to feel and chsnge toe syory of whst happened (he didn't hit you, for example) to something more comfortwvle. Another example from those time....you're just being oversensitive (when I would come to them terrified of harm).

Anyway....I just feel really shaky right now

...and really sorry I haved shared so much info with this person when my whole life is rather tenuous right now (no I don't mean that in a self-harm or suicide way). I feel like I hace to hide...and I don't really have a support systrm. There are financial.concerns if I don't turn things around soon. I juat fell.so whammied...like I made all rhis progress and it was for naught. This feels like tmi and maybe me sharimg unsafely. I'm just at a loss right now. And all my choices /avenues seem equally riaky.

hi.

i've never done anthing like this before. so here goes.

in april i survived a near-death experience that left me both physically and mentally traumatized. once the physical stuff healed, the emotional trauma became very apparent. the experience ripped open past traumas that i thought i had resolved. i started getting help, and it became clear that i have complex ptsd and attachment trauma. since november, it's been one hell of a bumpy ride. then, this week, my therapist abruptly closed her practice, the grandmother who helped raise me was diagnosed with brain cancer, and my girlfriend of 8 months abruptly broke up with me after getting a dog together 3 weeks ago. so... yeah. i'm not doing very well. very, very triggered. i feel so insanely alone. the thing with being queer is that your same sex girlfriend becomes your best friend at the same time. you don't just lose your girlfriend, you lose your best friend (and half of your wardrobe... lol). so i am devestatingly lonely. i drove to stay with my dad for some time, but he is leaving today to be with my grandmother. which means that i will be alone for the first time since this all happened 4 days ago. and i am terrified.