Trauma Support Community Check-in: Wednesday-Thursday, 23-24 September 2020

How are you feeling?

I think that I am feeling way better today than how I was feeling last week, in terms of having flashbacks and upsetting thoughts about abuse.

What is the hardest change you have had to face in your life?

There have been a lot of changes, to accomodate or to adjust to the changing situations and mental health. A change I am recently trying to accept is that, it is ok to ask for emotional support from closed ones.

In what ways have you positively adjusted to this change?

I am still trying to. I think it is more of accepting that it is ok to ask for help, without feeling like a burden.

1. Hm, right now, not much. But earlier was a different story. Now my brain's gone into self-protect mode which I appreciate because it doesn't put me in denial or anything. It just makes me numb. I have other things I need to do today so maybe this is good.

2. Not the hardest change but a change. This morning, my abusive mother threatened to withdraw her financial support for my therapy sessions because she thinks my therapist isn't helping me. This threat isn't new, but what's new is I'm gonna be ready for it if it actually happens. To my mother, my therapist "helping me" means making me want a relationship with her, telling me I'm in the wrong, making me talk to her politely or at all, etc. She thinks my therapy is for her. Since she has control over my card, she's free to withdraw money. I have no idea how to open my own account and put money in during this pandemic... so that is something I'll have to learn, preferably before my next session.

3. In what ways have you positively adjusted to this change?

It's still new but I think ultimately having my own account that I control will be good for me. It'll drastically decrease dependency on my mother and take away that avenue for control over me. Since I don't drive, I can take an Uber to an ATM by myself so my mother or father can't see any sensitive information or deny me a ride. Basically, their continued behavior is just pushing me to get away from them as fast as possible. Should've moved out when I was 18 but I can't go back now.

@Understandingempath Hey - How are you?

Myself - I'm having a really hard time right now. I have a really hard time reaching out lately. Isolation - Idk if it's actually a problem if I think it's better or not. There is a big problem here with change. Change has never meant good things. Change means the rules have changed and a need to be on the alert. It triggers OCD - in an effort to keep control over something - anything

Hardest change - right now. One of my best furry friends - has cancer. Just found out on saturday and she doesn't have very long. It's just a really hard time

It's going to take time - I know. I shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed to ask or admit I need something - even if it's a kind ear. It's ok to admit you're hurting - right?

Thank you for the checkin Take care

@Understandingempath

1) I am feeling nervous. A new story on my abuser has made another news organization. There are inaccuracies I want to correct them....but I can't. Calling me a druggie, feeling this is very unfair, I remain hopeless. I reached out to pastors that believed me and got a confession. A sex crimes detective was supposed to interview but didn't. My abuser was close to government entities who supported this non-profit after school program. My parents, sending me to a boy's homes in my teens, took me to the hospital and called me suicidal without me knowing it. They told me I would be seen and got locked up and put into a straight jacket. They did screen my urine...but I was never suicidal. I did admit to using drugs, but my goal was to speak to the police. I was upset, but that should not have vilified these lies to me. I found out later my mother's work buddy told her to do this to me. I thought a statement was to be made, which wasn't the case at all.

2)After losing my friends, I now have been cut off from family while afterward choosing to leave my immediate family. They deny my abuse making it difficult for me. Other victim's stories support what I say happened to me. My family refused to read the story, also did not show up to important court dates. I got bullied by police and locked up again after a grand jury decided to take it to court…but was interrupted by some famous attorney that gets soldiers off of torture charges at Guantanamo Bay. That didn't sit well with me. A meeting was to happen again with my district attorney. Police showed up instead to place me in the ward instead. Another reason I fear therapy and seeking help for my abuse.

3)I am away from those who deny my abuse. I hope to heal without doubt installed through control. I am away from brainwashing Christians and hope to find true peace now.

@Understandingempath

Great post and questions. Thanks!

How am I feeling today?

Today, I feel positive. Partly because I've recently come to this forum and it is really helpful to find this kind of support. I have just recently terminated treatment with my therapist for PTSD. While I felt really good about getting to this healthier place, I miss having someone to talk to who understands me. There are very few people in my circle who know about my trauma past. So, I'm feeling grateful;

Experience of Change?

As you point out in your post sometimes things are unexpected and you have reactions that are unexpected. For me it was about three years ago we underwent a "management of change" at my place of work. It was a pretty significant change, many of my co-workers, whom I had felt safe with, lost their jobs. While my job was safe, I was really taken back by how much this event unsettled me. I suddenly felt completely unsafe and out of control....all my PTSD symptoms which had been somewhat dormant for some time resurfaced. It was horrible.

What did I do to overcome it?

Well for the first time in my life I finally sought proper professional help. That makes it sound like it was an easy decision, but it wasn't. I had tried therapy before, but it didnt go well. And I really thought that therapy was for the weak and that accepting help was the acceptance of failure. Really had to get over that! The other thing I had to get over was allowing myself to be vulnerable in therapy. As survivors, we spend so much time and energy avoiding feeling vulnerable, which makes it so hard to allow in therapy. Sorry, thats probably a whole different thread ;)

@Understandingempath

Ima ok

Hardest thing is actually several things cause by 1.

Losing my brother and my brain injury.

@Understandingempath

Hello Brother, thanks for the exceptional and keen post about change.

1) How are you feeling?

I have been feeling a consistent and strong sense of stability and happiness in my life for the past month. Despite of course life difficulties such as unemployment and financial hardships, just because one is down, doesn't mean one is out. I think that having a goal in life and the continual ressurection and restrengthening of those goals gives me a compass to continue to make progress forward no matter how hard life becomes. I can always take a detour and still keep on the direction that I am going because I believe in myself, my future, and God.

2) What is the hardest change you have had to face in your life?

I was a survivor of a near fatal car accident on March 1st of 2019 and have since recovered. I am now walking, my face is no longer ripped up, I look good, and I have healed from the neuropathic pain in my hands and other parts of my body. This past month I even started lifting weights after rehabilitating for about a year and a half now. I'm making a career switch and am now preparing for a second wave of job applications during this pandemic. No matter how hard the world has been to me, whether its being a survivor of sexual trauma from my father as a child and witnessing all the other traumatic things growing up happening to others, I know that I can still find my way out towards a happier life with longevity. The world or no one can break my spirit.

3) In what ways have you positively adjusted to this change?

I think for me it was the "dream" to dream and to visualize and believe that change is possible. That gives me hope. And hope is powerful. Hope can take you from a broken, lifeless, and hopeless person and turn you into a strong and relentless warrior. It's all in the mind. I also believe that practicing radical self love and negating all my negative thoughts with positive self talk heals me from the core. I could be having intrusive, traumatic and harmfully negative thoughts about the past and right when it happens I replace it with "I love myself" and it all goes away. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month, year by year, I will continue to become a happier person. Because I choose so. Because I am not a victim, but a survivor and a warrior. Peace and blessings to everyone. May we all find strength, healing, and closure from the past.

@Understandingempath

How are you feeling?

What is the hardest change you have had to face in your life?

In what ways have you positively adjusted to this change?

Things have been a bit hectic, but I'm feeling alright. The hardest change that I had to go through was adding more responsibilities during my day and prioritizing my time on more important things.

I have positively adjusted to change by slowing integrating more coping mechanisms and things like that. While heightened self-awareness has fostered a bit of hidden emotion, I'm trying my best to keep myself distracted with the internet, particularly grad school, 7 Cups, movies, etc.

Hi empath and all y'all here in the Trauma Support section :) aka #TraumaSURVIVORS !!

I doubt that there is a way for me to know what the 'topic' of the days' check-in is, before I click to go to the page of the current check-in. As such I've come here to see and read about the topic of Change and how transient so very many things are around us - perhaps especially here in "The Era that is TOO Full of CoVID-19."

I'm not sure if I was writing it here, but several months ago and probably last year too, I was lamenting upon the changes that were going on in and around my own life. I think one of the parts that is the hardest for me is - the "Oh, great, yet another thing is changing and while it affects me (maybe a lot), I have zero control over it. How much? Yeah, zero." I do not like change - generally speaking. ESPECIALLY at the time of the change!! Sometimes later, I can check back and see: oh that changed, and then that changed, so then *I* changed and now I am over here... maybe not where I desired to be, maybe not where I thought I would be ... but still alive? (Yes) Still breathing? (Yes). Okay.

Change has not killed me yet, but I do not feel like making "change" my good friend yet either!

We've made it to now, September 27th in the year of two thousand twenty - the year of CoVID I've lived through all this 2020 stuff, lived through so much other trauma stuff as a child, in high school, and away from my family in college. I've lived on Earth up until now... so, more changes ahead?? More stuff announced to me that will cause change in my future? Yeah? Ok, well, bring it, Fisticuffs. This Platy be ready! (dons the boxing gloves) (leaves home for the library - ha you thought I was going to say to the gym? :) I guess I've got to read up on hand-fighting first! lol)

Pep talk! Pep talk! He didn't tell us it would be easy, this here life on Earth. But He DID tell us we do not have to do life alone. hearts and hugs to all who want or need some!!!! <3 Platy @Understandingempath

@Understandingempath

why did i b born. nowhere feels safe. want all just stop but it never goes away. only one way isnt there?