"I can't take it anymore"

"I had promised myself, I wouldn't have shed a tear this new scholastic pentamester.."

Hi, today something extremely embarassing happened to me:

Me and two of my classmates got orally tested in the philosophy subject. I had studied a whole day the previous day, yet I haven't got anything back.

Or better, I got Lied to.

When a teacher asks you multiple questions, there's a higher chance of succeeding in an oral test.

Since we were there students being tested, she asked many questions to a guy which I'm going to call "A", and the guy next to me, which I'll call "B", didn't know much apparently and messed up many times.

What happened, you may think?

A, which is the guy who got millions of questions, got a nice grade (it was not a 10/10 not even a A+++) but succeeded in responding to a few questions.

B, which was close to me, kind of struggled in responding to questions the teacher asked him. When he didn't know a thing, I would raise up my finger, so that the teacher would notice the fact I knew the answer to that question and maybe, if she only let me respond, I would've helped him.

If she ONLY let me respond...which didn't happen.

It was my turn to be interviewed, and she asked me a question she had asked to B, which I had responded to already (the only moment she let me talk) because B didn't know the answer to it. So yeah, after a few, she decided to ask me the EXACT same question, but with different words: she had articulated the phrase so much, that I couldn't understand what she meant. I asked her to repeat it, I told her I couldn't understand what she meant, yet she asked me only two questions.

In the end, I had studied a whole book, my whole exercise book with all the notes I took from each lessons, spent a whole afternoon studying....for then get interviewed on only two miserable questions about a stuff that we didn't even conclude.

She never let other students know what grade they have gotten, but SOMEHOW this time she decided to let us KNOW in front of other what grade she would've gave us.

Both A and B got nice grades (B BARELY ANSWERED TO HER QUESTIONS) and I...heh...I got a disgusting grade.

At the end of the lesson I waited for everybody to quit the classroom for then break up in tears in front of the teacher (because I have been holding in too much not because I meant to, I hate crying) I hate the most (aka her) and ask if my grade was sufficient or not (because before she didn't tell me if it was a sufficient grade or not, she simply made a face as if she wanted to say "what the f have you done...")

She came up to me and started talking as if I was an enfant (which made me feel like an idiot) and started hugging me (because she tends to kiss on the head, hug, and touch students which makes me UNCOMFORTABLE).

I obviously didn't hug her back and I tried to stop crying but I couldn't. Also, I know I might sound weird, but I hate hugs after this situations mostly from people who hurt me.

Anyway, she told me I would "get a better grade and all I had to do was just trust in myself and on HER"

Haha...PUT MY TRUST IN HER? AFTER THAT EMBARRASSING SCENE?? AFTER HURTING ME?? AFTER HURTING OTHER STUDENTS PREVIOUSLY??? YEP, SURE, SHE WILL DEFINITELY SEE ME PUTTING ALL MY TRUST IN HER...

I went home crying, told my mother the whole situation, and then I checked multiple time the electronic school register where she would've put the grade.

Remember when she told me my grade was sufficient? 😂😂😂

Yeah...There was a 5.5 out of 10, which is equal to a C- / F

I've been lied to :)

And now I'm also blaming myself how I couldn't just escape from that situation, when I felt the crying come, instead of staying there like an idiot and wait till everybody left the classroom for THEN embarass myself like that..It corrodes my organs just thinking about it.

Crying is normal, everybody in my classroom did cry once, but I don't know when it comes to me, I feel like a total idiot.

I still feel that way, I feel like a failure, I feel like I can't hold in anything anymore : I can't control strong feelings, it bother me A LOT THIS THING.

And it's not the first time...Lately I've been bursting out in tear because I'm really trying hard, seriously, I AM, and I'm spending days and days to then get nothing in return.

I know there's time to fix grades, the school ends in June, but I had promised myself that this year I wouldn't get a bad grade.

I had promised myself I would be motivated, which I'm basically not that much, yet I'm trying hard SO MUCH.

I had promised myself I wouldn't cry like this anymore.

I had promised myself I wouldn't suffer like this anymore.