Beer fountain dilemma
My partner was drinking enough alcohol for it to be damaging their health.
They've recently cut down and are seeing the health benefits.
We're looking at a weekend away for Christmas. I found a promising hotel. Among other things, my partner commented "it is near the free beer fountain!"
I don't find it funny.
A few years ago, I would have found this a totally normal comment and we likely would have visited the beer fountain. Now I'm frustrated at the normalisation of giving away a destructive drug for free.
I'm afraid that if I respond to the comment I'll be perceived as being a melodramatic negative party pooper.
I want to focus on the positives. I want to support my partner in cutting down and improving their health. But comments like this one make me afraid that my partner is still in denial about alcohol and destroy my hope.
Thanks for the space to figure out my feelings.
@Clio9876
It is a fine line to navigate.... my partner had real issues and of course we did the cut down thing but that was not enough he had to quit. It is hard for people to quit drinking even cutting down look around and you will see it or it is offered to you....
Go out to dinner, waitstaff want to start people off with a cocktail ... many social gatherings they offer drinks. People offer to buy you a drink..... it is everywhere and yet people seem surprised at the volume of people having issues with alcohol. Good luck with it as I always felt tense in when people are like you can have just one ... for some people NO they can't
@toughTiger6481
The more I get involved with it, the more lying I see around alcohol. The notion that it is harmless, for one. And as you say "one won't matter".
I totally get why people say or believe these things. But it's also totally valid for me to be frustrated about it.
@Clio9876
Yes it is totally valid in being frustrated or out and out ticked off. I know i am / was when the subject comes up.
we had a dinner out and the waiter asked not once....... but 3 times trying to sell us on a margarita seriously i got up and spoke to the manager. People seem oblivious that all around them the person saying " no thanks" is not just being polite but saving their own life.
It is not harmless and until they have a disaster or near disaster in their life they do not understand.
@toughTiger6481
Yes, that is annoying. Good on you for going to speak to the manager. Its good to spread a bit of awareness and that was quite possibly the origin of the problem. Sometimes waiters are put under a lot of pressure and it's not good for anyone.
@Clio9876
Hello. I think I can understand how you may be feeling now: Concerned about your partner drinking too much, and the possibility of him coming back to negative habits on one hand. But at the same time not wanting to appear "dramatic" and lose the hope of a nice holiday together.
Personally I am not an addicted person, but I talked on many occasions to AA members and alcoholics' wives, and they constantly repeat the same: No human has the power to stop someone else's drinking. The decision must be made by the person himself. All attempts to control someone else's drinking behaviour unavoidably fail.
Do you think the beer fountain is the problem itself? - or the people who may want to use it in a self-harming way, doing harm to their families at the same time?
However silly and irresponsible marketing idea the beer fountain might be, what can you change about it? Still, some people can drink beer in a safe and moderate way.
Maybe you've had some ideas how to solve that problem? Are there any options that you have taken into consideration?
@jacek73
Yep, you got it exactly right. I felt torn in two.
And no, I cannot control my partner's drinking. Though I sometimes wish I could. I can't stop them going to the beer fountain, or drinking when they get there. But neither do I have to spare them the consequences. And one of the consequences is the harm it does to me and us. I shared some of my thoughts and anxieties with my partner this morning. That's what I can do.
I'm well aware that I dont trust them anymore and am constantly looking for evidence that they are slipping back into drinking. That's the hardest. I'm afraid we won't be able to regain that. I believe in in sickness and in health and that this is a sickness that needs support to overcome. And I know people who have been successful. But no one can tell me whether that's how it will work out in our case. And in the bad moments, I find that very difficult to cope with.
@Clio9876 That is really great to hear you are doing your best to be mindful and get the big picture of the things 👍
The members of 12 Steps communities often mention something like a "hard love", what means still loving the person who drinks too much, but letting him or her take the full consequences of their drinking irresponsibility.
I guess you are probably familiar with the signals about the addiction growing more serious: drinking small amounts of alcohol each and every day, drinking hard three days in a row or longer (to "cure" hangover), increased alcohol consumption overall, drinking alone, losing memory of events or losing self-control during high intoxication...
Yes, there are people who can get over it. But most recovery programs are based on giving up drinking at all.
@Clio9876 I love this response and self-awareness. I think this is the best time to remember your own boundaries as well and your own worth. "Is this something I'm willing to be anxious on? Am I demoting myself from partner to Warden? Is this the type of relationship I want where I have to constantly look over my shoulder or monitor?"
If any of these give you longer than a clear cut answer, I would advise to look within yourself to see what kind of future you would want.
Notice how these questions don't put on a 'they're bad guy' scenario? It's simply what you want for your life and if it's something you no longer want to be apart of, are free to walk from.We each as long as we have free will and our minds are on straight, have freedom and free will to choose what we want in life. That includes freedom to walk the consequence and cause and effect of it. No one is beholden or forced to walk a path they don't want to be on and if another wants to be gung-ho about it, they can walk it on their own. (Lets leave out the fact that if they're trying to force you on that same path how that's an entire 'nother can of worms of wrong and codependency)
So. Just give yourself grace to process these next few days. Move in confidence and hope. You can still love someone and still not burn yourself to keep another warm. Love does not put another in a position where you HAVE to choose. That's all I'm saying.
Wow, tough. Way to share. No problem to me on reading your story.
I have the husband stress, too, but different. Not over alcohol. Drugs. He says he's quitting. He stopped for a while and he says it was terrible. He cuts back every once in a while, but it's hard to know if he really cares. He says he's cut back. I just want him to be happy, but I will not act like I don't care. His health is important! I don't like to worry!
I wonder if you both quit drinking? Not that it's my business. Lucky for me my husband and I both didn't drink when we met. My past is not perfect with drugs but I really don't like to put my time in that now. It's a no, thanks.
...i cut back to a few days a week drinking, maybe 3 years ago. Then something came up where I couldn't drink, and I haven't really looked back since. I love sobriety.
Kindly,
@faithfulZebra8678 Wishing you the best. Something as long as that, there's no really 'cutting down on.' I hope in patient detox can be accessible through insurance. Its so much red tape but its hoenstly the safest to get clean where they'll monitor and can help with those withdrawals. something as long as that of a use it would be the only safe place. Even if it has to be in hospital ER.
@Clio9876
Thankful to this space, too.
I'd say staying calm, hopeful, and compassionate are goals, and to keep trying.
@faithfulZebra8678
I'm in awe of this comment. So succinct, yet so full of wisdom.
You are so right that keeping calm, hopeful and compassionate are goals of mine. That is the person I want to be.
I'm a bit defensive about the fact that someone has had to remind me of these goals. That suggests I'm not yet the person I would like to think I am.
But I totally in with keep trying. I can be, and never will be perfect. But I absolutely can and will keep trying.
Thanks
@Clio9876
😄
What an insightful reply. Glad I did not leave you feeling too sub-par, too.
I think things like hope and compassion, etc. are just so awesome. It seems you already have displayed such things, from your first post!
Totally normal to feel this way, recommend you talk to your partner about how that has made you feel. It’s so easy to get taken off the sober path in this world so your fears are rationale and your partner needs to understand the impact on you too.