30 day AF thoughts *TW* *trauma* *extreme ideation*

Day 20. We made it! Yay! 10 more days of non-alcohol days.

Today is a planned day to celebrate and spend the money that would have been spent on drinking activity. So, I have chosen an activity that I would like to do - I am excited to go and try it, I am fearful that it will not work out, I am happy to be doing something out of the ordinary: the plan is to do the activity and then get a sandwich to eat. It shall be fun, I hope.

It would be wonderful when I have a group of friends or people to talk with. What am I doing for it? 1) I am wishing really really hard for friends who care about me and can understand me; 2) I search for forums and *** groups where people meet to support one another and maybe to read books on NVC, IFS an cPTSD. Those are not so much my hobbies as much as tools for survival and functioning in the world. It is a little sad that I do not yet have a luxury to have hobbies and discuss topics outside of trauma, flashbacks and dealing with consequences of adverse childhood experiences; Healing is my main focus and it is okay. I deserve to heal. I deserve people who support and understand me on my healing journey. 3) I go to group meetings and participate in group activities. It is surprising how I am still feeling lonely while the people are right there, saying: “quickwitted, we see you! We hear you. We support you!” There are many people who offer their contacts to connect and be partners (in IFS or NVC “empathy buddies”) - I am not reaching out in my end - why is that? Today I allow myself to not accept this support and not judge myself and rather be curious about why is it that some of my parts do not see support that is being provided as something useful for themselves.

If I have enough money to spend, I will get a pant-based milkshake. I think it would be a nice treat on the already a treat day for myself!

Day 21. 9 more days. They will be crowned with going to the retreat for the last 4 days or so.

Yesterday I spent a whole chunk of my day quarreling with and being offended by my partners actions. I so don’t want to be dependent on him with such a high level- to be dependent on his decision to be present or not present in the moment. Regardless of his behavior, I can choose to be taking care of myself. This sounds so… untrue when I type this. There is a basic level of safety that I need to feel/achieve before I can operate. Just some knowing that I am not alone. That I have a person (or persons) on my side who support me and understand me.

Today I set the intention to maybe pay attention to self-esteem or self-reliance. Or maybe codependency and healing from it. Something along the line of being codependent in romantic relationship. I so wish that I will be able to let my partner be himself, with his pains from the past, worries about the future and awesomeness about the present. No one is perfect and it is totally fine with me.

I am grateful. It is 7am and I am up. There is a fun group activity at in 1 hour that I am looking forward to.

Day 22. My thoughts are not about alcohol in my life - a part of me is wondering why am I still doing check-ins. Well, little part, I do them to show to myself that I can be commuted and consistent with my decision, that I have power and can use it appropriately. It is an interesting trailhead to follow though - which part of me does not mind giving up the agreed upon commitment and to stop checking in - what is the positive intent of this part? I am certainly not too much bothered by check ins, if anything it almost feels like I am not alone in the journey and there is support. So, there are parts that find value in the check ins.

Yhe days are going well. I substituted the usual evening wine with a cup of cold chocolate made from cacao powder (which is a whole art of mixing it homogeneously). There is a small concern about re-introducing the alcohol in a moderate and responsible manner - this thought is on my mind a lot. I do sense the presence of fear of “going overboard” when drunk limitation is going to be lifted. In a way, it used to be a sign from me to my parts that I love them by letting them do their firefighting activity (compulsive behavior) as much as they needed. My only request was to stay safe. And I think that mg style of treating this situation will be similar now.

When I was starting the 30 day AF endeavor, I thought that I would have tons of free time on my hands - some days I would spend 4 to 6 hours (sometimes more or even through the night) drinking. Well, now I am doing the same things just without the drinking - I still feel like there is no time for resting. I have newly found that I can sleep and I am so grateful for that. Yes, it takes a nightly routine and some melatonine - oh well, what works works. I will take that. Another win is that not all dreams that I have are nightmares. Some of them are just simple replays of past high school bullying (which is much better than reliving the other scenarios when my life was in danger). So in that department I see progress. I am curious to see what my parts are going to do now with the newfound (newly remembered) skills and abilities to live life - are they going to go straight back into their old ways or to incorporate some of the new habits or to develop completely new routines from scratch. I can make an educated guess that they will go to their previous ways - I was not able to find new activities, places and people to interact with. I wish I did. I was trying to remember a name of the platform where people do activities together and no luck yet. Oh well, I will keep looking through my journals.

For me it is important to find places that do not care for use of substances either way (as long as it is done in a safe manner, safety first!) I used to have couple friends that did not care either way -if I was drinking or not- they just enjoyed my company. Somehow life has led us in different directions and new friends did not show up yet. Well, I am looking for them and waiting for them with open arms. I surely have a lot to offer in terms of companionship myself.

Recently another capacity of mine showed up - persistence. It shows itself symbolically as a bull. I can surely be persistent, lol. This capacity goes right there, together with hope, intuition, thinking and humor.

Day 23. One more week of this goodness. Yesterday I got to find out that one of my online acquaintances was doing 30 days alcohol free and then decided to keep going just to see how long they will pull it off and now they are on day 66. This is interesting. If to go for 100 days - that’s one third of the year non-drinking. Or like, drink for 2 days and rest for 1 day. I am sober-curious in that sense - do I want to have days on which I do not drink? As I am typing, I am noticing my body’s response - the fear, the judgement, non-acceptance. The previous way of “just do it and don’t think about it” is lighting up in me - the old passages that are set in place, the passages to avoid the pain at any expense. Oh, how much compassion I feel for the parts of me that has made the decisions to choose drinking in the beginning at all. I am not alone in this. I am built to survive this. (My affirmations app offered that one yesterday and it felt good to think of myself as someone who has power).

It is 6am. I am a little grumpy. I am not sleeping. And the morning thoughts are not of the “good morning, everybody. Today is going to be a good day!” - kind. My thoughts are about how there is an opportunity to set and practice a boundary in one relationship, set up an appointment to get together and to get to know each other better in another and to do an activity together with the third one. Thinking about my health, exercise routines, breakfast… guilty-ing myself for not doing morning parts check in or positive affirmations for a better day (or a transcendence meditation). So, I am eagerly planning the day and judging myself for not doing the things that “maybe the better me” would do.

Actually, I am trying to steer clear fro the “maybe better me”. Because when I get into that state of mind, I do everything as perfect as possible, with a very high standard for myself. Doing things in such a manner usually causes me to burn out quickly and then I find myself trying to relax with a drink in my hand. A big part of my success with AF is that I do not go to this self-demanding place of being “good”. “If you don’t do it well, don’t do it at all”. The motto of my inner perfectionist. Maybe today I can set the intention to get to know this part of me better - what is this part afraid would happen if I don’t do things perfectly? And the answer comes right away - Spence of belonging, acceptance. Everyone likes a hundred dollar bill. This part wants me to be a hundred dollar bill for everyone and to be liked.

Well, this sounds like a good trailhead to explore for today. Here is to another wonderful AF day. It’s not the alcohol that makes or breaks my day - it’s me and my wonderful personality. Alcohol is just a tool that can be useful at times and I can rely on my other capacities to help myself deal with emotional flashbacks and life’s everyday tasks overall.

Day 24. Good morning to all you good people. I made a typo and first typed day 34 and then noticed and thought to myself - how would that feel to be true? There is definitely some charm in day counting and everyday checking for accountability. I might, sometime in the future do it again and start counting. No promises though. I promised myself to keep this at 30 days and I intend to keep this promise to myself.

I am starting to plan for an event in 5 days. I have 2 full days of busy time - activities, book clubs, healing, relaxation. J am grateful that I have desire, time and opportunity to take care of myself.

I plan to cut and freeze some king oyster mushrooms. To do some tai chi in the morning. Listen to lectures on cPTSD and recovery. I plan to wash my hair - a big event for me. And to make a phone call. Another big event. I am putting myself out there and being courageous about it.

Here I am, planning my day. At 6am. I am surely an early riser when I sleep early. I am looking forward to keeping the sleeping habit after the AF time is done. I wonder if a glass or two of the drink will be standing in a way of my natural sleep cycle. Sleeping is very very important to me - I really enjoy it when I can fall asleep in a timely manner, stay asleep and not to see dreams that are not pleasant.

Did I think that I was going to make it to day 24? I did not give much thought to that. Once the decision is made, it is easy to adhere to it. Now I need to be gentle with myself coming out of it, reintroducing alcohol (if I choose to) and setting and playing by a new set of rules. Will I though? I have concerns. If is better to say that a part of me has concerns. The concern that I will go overboard with drinking because I forced myself into AF day event.

There is a part of me that likes to do things by “squeezing” me in somewhere and then saying - “well you don’t have a choice other than to perform”. And I have performed. In sport clubs, book clubs, in school and college, in programs. In this event of 30 days alcohol free - mg system just does it, like a feisty kitten relaxes once the mother cat picks him up from behind the neck - both, the kitten and the cat parts are parts of me. The momma-cat part, it feels, got passed down to me from a parent - the attitude is such that if one is a part of a group, the have no choice other than perform and learn from the group and be more like a group. I remember myself “forcing” myself to go to Germany and learn the language there more fluently. While in Germany, I was not a part of the group with whom I went though and learned my German from the locals with whom I hung out daily. And drank lots of wine lol. And they were Muslim or at least they said they were - they did not pray in the mornings. It was interesting and foggy time for myself. I enjoyed being in a different country. I felt so lonely and alienated from the group with whom I was traveling. I just was not a part of that group at all and I felt that alienation. Drinking on that trip and hanging out with drinking locals was a way for me to cope with the pain of not belonging. I wonder if I will be able to feel the sense of belonging in the upcoming event.

I don’t know how does the sense of belonging feels. I want to feel like I belong. The most recent time someone told me that I was belonging to a group, I had an emotional flashback and got kicked out of that group. Retraumatizations of that sort are a frequent occurrence in my life that is followed by the bout of going inside and licking my wounds in the drinking space. Somehow that space feels (felt) safer than other spaces. I am looking for other places (in addition to drinking

space) where I can feel safe. In the end, the world is my oyster and I am an able individual. Just like everybody else. Everyone has their challenges in life and so do I. I look for a safe place where I can feel the sense of belonging.

Day 25. Good morning. It is 6.30 am. And my time to check in with myself and with the world.

I woke up with a sensation of knots in the stomach - I am thinking about doing a worry yoga or maybe vagus nerve yoga - not sure if that exists, I am willing to internet search that, it might lead to finding some fun results.

In the past days I am totally not thinking about alcohol at all. There are other things on my mind. Did it take me 25 days to restructure my world? Or am I just following through with what I agreed with myself upon? Questions, questions…

If to try to answer those questions - I feel a sense of anger coming up. If it was so easy - just 25 days and some journaling - why did I not do it earlier, why did I have to do the drinking years? Oh, my. While answering one question, another question comes up. Okay, I can be patient with myself. It is easier to do it now because I am more aware and skillful now at dealing with my pain. 20 years ago things and goals were different and now J have more ability to stay present in the moment, the ability to think, feel and talk at the same time (not so much during the flashbacks and I am aware of this. Small steps).

And to answer the second question that I am posing to myself and choosing to answer today is yes, I am simply following through on what my intention was of going 30 days AF and on the day of the return from my traveling arrangements (maybe even at the airport if I feel like it), I am intending to drink some wine. It could be a sip. It could be a glass. It could be more. In this moment I am re-stating to myself what my plan was and that I am sticking to it as planned. As for the amount and uncertainty about the re-introduction, I acknowledge that I am not fully prepared for that and I have more questions than answers. I think when I was starting on this AF endeavor, I kind of did not think about what was going to happen after the 30 days is done. And now I have parts of me that are perplexed and experience confusion about how to be and behave on those “unplanned” and unprepared for days. As for today, I choose to acknowledge my confusion. I can set the intention to look for clarity - that would be the “right” logical thing to do. Well, I think I have exceeded my limit of “right and logical” things to do this month, lol. 😂 Not every decision has to be right and logical. I give myself permission to be not right and not logical sometimes and I am okay with that. I see value in myself right now, I see value in myself when I am making logical decision and I see value in myself when I make not logical decisions. I matter!

Day 26. My mind is completely off the drinking and in the upcoming 4 days of me being present, parenting my parts, communicating and being involved in maybe group activities. Many parts of me are worried about the possible self-isolation - my usual way of dealing with group situations (unless drinking is involved, lol). I so so wish strongly want for myself to feel that sense of belonging. The feeling of being okay to exist. The most recent time comes ip in mind is the experience in Germany where I was powering through it by myself. “Fake it till you make it” was my motto. Now my motto is… I don’t know, I don’t have one yet. I am so so hoping for something good to happen with me. For me to feel loved and accepted. As I imagine the feeling of love and acceptance being bestowed upon me, I notice a fear come up - what if I will want to celebrate with drinking? And, let’s explore this. No judgement is needed. So, after coming home, if I decide to celebrate by letting myself enjoy alcohol, I will be okay with that. Do I need to have some rules in place? I actually do have a set of rules written out for safe drinking for myself. Maybe I can utilize those as a guide for me to enjoy that evening/night/next day. Next day will be the Friday exactly one week from today. I wonder if I will be choosing to check in on that day. Maybe I will. Maybe I will not. Regardless of what I will choose, I will be okay. I am ready for this. I have made all the preparations and I still have time to prepare some more.

So, maybe my mind is not completely off the alcohol. There are 2 things that stand out the most today: 1) interpersonal relationship (people-to-people relationships and interactions) and 2) how am I going to celebrate (or maybe help myself through struggle, if things do not go well) upon return.

Today I set the intention of addressing my little worried inner children’s fears about possible isolation and feeling of being not accepted. Oooopphhh, I feel the sense energy rising up in me - this is a trailhead that has a response in my body. So, I feel the need to address this. The question “what if they don’t accept me?” I plan to ponder on this today.

Day 28. 2 more days. Well, I will be away for the 30ieth, so I will be celebrating that later in a week. How would I like to celebrate: I have a plan of what I am going to drink and eat in the evening. And possible social activities. For the social activities I wish I planned a little better in terms finding places where alcohol is not mandatory and also is not banned, where it is not the focus of the group. I have seen chess clubs that are called “drink and play”. I am not sure if I actually want the activity to be built around alcohol. I feel confusion around this. I know what I don’t want - I don’t want politics, economy or history. I want art and music, less books and movies. Maybe light stretching exercise. Maybe handcrafting. I feel myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about this. I understand why I usually get overwhelmed when thinking about how to spend my time socially and then ending up drinking the challenge away.

My intention for today is to think of safe and healthy social situations to make available for myself. Or in my case - think of a possibility of such places. I will be checking in in a week or so just as a follow up. Because 30 days will be over. Maybe I will outline the results and finishing thoughts. And this will be a one complete project. Yay!

So, here I am. 35 days AF. 🥳 woo hoo Lol. I am realizing I don’t know how to spell this celebratory noise. Oh, well.

I have made a mini- ritual for taking a sip and ending the AF 30 day streak. I have done what h promised and I am proud of it.

What have I learned? I do not know. It is too early to say. Maybe it will take some time for me to see and notice more pronounced changes, benefits and shortcomings. I will outline what comes to mind so far:

1)I learned that I can go and deal with life without the support of alcohol.

2) My parts got a chance to see that I can promise something and go through with that. I wish grown ups in my childhood had done more of those “follow through”s with their words. Oh well, it’s never too late to start learning to trust again. Especially self-trust.

3) I was surprised how much I did not think or miss cigarettes and smoking. Like at all. I went through the airport 2 times without thinking of smoking or remembering that I have forgotten cigarettes at home. Pleasantly surprised. I was not aiming for a cigarette-free 30 days. It kind of happened. I am thankful for that. Hopefully the benefits for the lung health are as much as internet advertises.

4) At day 20 I felt like it did not matter anymore. The counting. The drinking. The alcohol. Other things were in my mind. I did like the tradition of checkin in every morning. I might keep this tradition and open up another thread.

About opening up another thread - what would be called and where would I post it? I don’t necessarily have any particular situation going on (like 30 days AF) and there is no particular topic that is in my mind daily - it changes. Maybe I need to take some time to sort out my values and priorities.

I sound like something successful happened and that I want to build on that success. I feel a part of me not wanting me to accept that I was successful in completing something. And I actually did it in a graceful and decent way. Well, I guess, those are judgements. I do have a part that does not let me sit in the feelings of a success and just wants me to move on to bigger and better endeavors. I feel that I want to take some time to myself. To acknowledge. To celebrate. Only I do not yet know how. I don’t want to celebrate with a wine party (even though it does sound like fun, I want to keep alcohol outside of my circle of rewards).

I know what I would really like - a horseback ride. I always enjoyed horses. It sounds like such a big stretch. How can I make it happen? Where am I going to get money from? What if something bad happens while I do that, like falling off the horse and injuring myself? With all these questions coming up, I am seeing how it is easy for me to get overwhelmed and go for the usual “let’s stay home and drink” decision. It is easy. It is available. It is relatively safe. I give myself permission to choose either one of these activities (or both).

Thank you all for coming along in this journey with me. I am closing the thread with complete heart, a little excitement for the celebration and hopes for the future healing endeavors.