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quickwittedCity6060
1 29,936 M Determined Treads
PathStep 102 Compassion hearts540 Forum posts68 Forum upvotes131 Current upvotes131 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 22, 2020
Bio
HSP, INFJ and trauma survivor.
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Today is a new day
Journals & Diaries / by quickwittedCity6060
Last post
 January 2nd
...See more disclaimers and trigger warnings: *extreme ideation* *cPTSD* *CSA trauma* *alcohol* *IFS parts system* Good morning! Today is a new day. It’s a new life. I am coming here from everyday check in on 30 day AF thread. I really enjoyed having a space to open up my arms and welcome new day and express the morning thoughts and maybe worries. I don’t have to explain why do I do things. I just want to do this for myself. I feel defensiveness coming up. As I am writing my disclaimers and trigger warnings, I am noticing how it feels to be setting up a safe space for myself where I do not have to worry about mentioning this or that topic - a disclaimer is a little allowance that creates safety for expression. I am open to people writing back, commenting (positive and supportive comments are welcome) and doing their checks ins in this thread if they feel so inclined. I know how much it is a struggle sometimes to open up a new thread and it may feel like it does not fit anywhere, or that it will not be welcome. All shares are welcome here (within reason), if you don’t know where to share - this is your space. From myself I can state that I will read the share and respond with a heart, meaning, that you were heard. I am doing this because I wish someone did this for me when I did not feel like there was a space for me. I still sometimes feel this way. And here is my action to help with this. I am all about action today, lol. As usual, I am waking up in a state of emotional disregulation. First, mg body goes into disregulation and then my mind tries to explain why my body feels this way by creating a story. Today’s story begins with the dog scratching. (She is a German shepherd mix, btw @mytwistedsoul). Do, she is scratching and nipping on herself and I am feeling the anger and dissatisfaction raising up inside me - I am angry at my partner for not taking a better care of the dog. For minimizing her scratching. For not training her properly, the way that I want to train her - and that’s it, my mind is running now, I am in the topic about how my partner is an irresponsible dog father. And I do not know how much of my thoughts are true, because I am noticing that I am thinking about it from the place of pain and not being taken care of emotionally as a child. It is like wherever I look - there it is, a reminder of pain that I carry with me everywhere. I wonder if I can find or build a place for my trauma and heavy past to rest and exist so that I don’t have to carry it around with me wherever I go. Like a trauma shelf. I wonder what will I be without my trauma. Sometimes I think that I am my trauma. And I know that I am not. Some parts of me identify with trauma that I have. I also have non-traumatized and non-burdened parts (in IFS they are called capacities). I have so far 5: intuition, humor, hope, thinking and persistency. Ag the recent retreat there was another one, the sixths capacity that came up and I don’t remember it in a moment. I will look it up later. I feel like this is good for a first check in. Hopefully it is not too long. I want to check in for 20 minutes in the morning. Maybe I will follow this, maybe I will not - I accept myself either way. Today I checked in for more than 20 minutes and I am proud of myself. Maybe 20 minutes is too long, I will think about it some more. I think just being committed to checking in daily is good enough for this moment. I do my best. And my best is enough. Thank you.😊
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30 day AF thoughts *TW* *trauma* *extreme ideation*
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by quickwittedCity6060
Last post
 December 10th, 2023
...See more Today is day 6. I am hating it. I am realizing why I was choosing to drink in the first place. The strength of emotions, the flashbacks, unconsolable crying - now how do I cope with these manifestations of childhood adverse experiences? the thing is, while I change my behavior, my surroundings do not change. The neighbors are still not nice and not considerate. The dog - oh, I wish I can get connected to my dog. She is here. Maybe, if I find some strength, I will be able to pet her and get some friendly licks. The thing is, she gets scared when I am going through a flashback. She gets aggressive, barks and may bite. I am dreaming of the times when I will be more able to control my flashbacks so that she can rely on me as a leader even through those.
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Quick and witted space
Trauma Support / by quickwittedCity6060
Last post
 July 29th, 2021
...See more Just a space for myself to share. Please only supportive commentaries.
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Looking for a listener
General Support / by quickwittedCity6060
Last post
 July 30th, 2020
...See more I was thinking that I could give a general idea of what I am looking for in the forum post and then the listeners, who know about anxiety, will start a conversation with me. I am dealing with disorganized attachment and anxiety. I need to engage in healthy interactions. So, hence, my attempt at finding people who could extend themselves towards me while I am extending myself towards them. Talking to people is a challenge to me (at least right now). As much as I crave social interactions. I am looking for someone who can engage in mini-activities or do a conversation exercise, or something, that will help me slightly trigger my anxiety and then we can talk about it and laugh about how a simple phrase of "How do you like the rainbow?" could possibly send me in a panicky stupor... This is sad and funny at the same time.
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