30 day AF thoughts *TW* *trauma* *extreme ideation*
Today is day 6. I am hating it. I am realizing why I was choosing to drink in the first place. The strength of emotions, the flashbacks, unconsolable crying - now how do I cope with these manifestations of childhood adverse experiences?
the thing is, while I change my behavior, my surroundings do not change. The neighbors are still not nice and not considerate. The dog - oh, I wish I can get connected to my dog. She is here. Maybe, if I find some strength, I will be able to pet her and get some friendly licks. The thing is, she gets scared when I am going through a flashback. She gets aggressive, barks and may bite. I am dreaming of the times when I will be more able to control my flashbacks so that she can rely on me as a leader even through those.
@thelemonade
Thank you for the kind words on day 6. I keep thinking about all the supportive presences in my life!
Day 16. I am exhausted today. Ex-ha-us-ted. I was thinking that after 2 weeks of AF, I would feel full of energy and everything good that the motivational articles were talking about. k am noticing low energy, kind of more sad mood and feeling overwhelmed, like there is no space to relax, to take a break. I have been sleeping more than usual. Well, maybe mg body is detoxing and the higher levels of energy and more stable mood are all in the future.
Another question that crosses my mind is what amount of cPTSD consequences were usually mellowed out and covered by alcohol use: now I am facing emotional flashbacks as is, raw, without the support and safe space that being under influence sometimes was able to provide. Now am reaching for my safe places using my skills, knowledge and willingness. The salamander move, shaking off emotions, vigorous 1 min exercise and putting face in cold water are all my daily tools that I actually use more than twice in each day.
In the guide that I follow todays topic is the common drinking traps - 1) thinking that alcohol was never a problem; 2) feeling sorry for yourself and 3) crisis. During crisis all bets are off and drinking becomes more allowed to help oneself feel better.
I don’t know how much I agree with those points, J am just going to let myself allow these thoughts to exist in my mind without evaluating them. I believe that my inner wisdom will help me see the correct meaning of this information.
Hopefully tomorrow I will feel more energized. I am trying to relax. I am thankful that I was able to sleep well through pretty much every night except for 1. And I stayed up by myself without using the coping strategy that I could have used. So, I practiced to deal with a triggering situation (not being able to sleep) and I was able to address it by myself with my own inner resources. I find confidence in this event.
Day 17. Good morning. For my check in: I am feeling good. I want to a supportive meeting last night and I felt supported. I cried a little. I like to feel supported. And it scares me at the same time - it feels unusual to not be alone with facing what seems like an eternity, something so much bigger and stronger than me…I am grateful for all the support that I am receiving in one way or another.
I watched something yesterday about positive thinking and rewriting the negative experiences in life in a positive light. Yes, he is right, that it will be easier on other people to be around a person who is in their grief do not ugly cry in public and who do not share the mildly painful portions of their experience. And, as a result - the others are not upset, so, they are not going to stress us out - like it is a win-win. Well, it is not. Grief is important. And grief is not only about the death - it’s about a loss of a dream, a friendship, a hope. I am noticing parts in me that are wanting to go along with what they imagine society wants them to do - to minimize the pain, the intensity of the feelings that I am feeling while living through mg life experiences.
Today I am choosing to acknowledge and appreciate the pain that I live with daily. It is strong. It is heavy. And it is mine to be with. I can be with my pain. I wish to attract, to find people who understand the importance of grieving and accepting the emotions as they are. I am open to people who can understand and support me in my journey. I am ready to lean in.
Day 18. My parts are counting backwards now. Only 12 more days till the 30 day AF journey/task/endeavor is done. It is like from the movie, where the phone rings and the person picks up and the voice says “12 more days…” Lol 😂
I don’t know if I am going to celebrate and let myself go straight back to how I used to drink before with this newly found knowledge and understanding that I can do 30 days without alcohol, or maybe I will change some things around to be more confident around alcohol use.
So far my findings are:
1) I can go to sleep without drinking. I am able to sleep!!! Yay. This is a big one for me, since the decision to drink in the beginning was strongly related to not being able to sleep.
2) I can deal with emotional flashbacks by myself also. While drinking alcohol mellows out the symptoms of flashbacks drastically (I don’t get as edgy, angry or hopeless), I am able to utilize my skills, knowledge and willingness to help me through the rough patches of intense overwhelming emotions:
vigorous exercise/pummeling on a pillow, shaking exercise, breathing exercises, salamander move - anything to reset the vagus nerve and turn on the parasympathetic nervous system, to rest and digest. I am not comfortable using these techniques on public, so public spaces and emotional flashbacks do not mesh well yet. Oh well, I have the rest of my life to figure out that out. (If anyone has thoughts and and advice on how to deal with emotional flashbacks in public - by all means, please share).
I went to bed so so so early last night. Like, at 8 pm. If things go like this, I will possibly be able to take a nap during the day! (An unforeseen occurrence for me, lol).
@quickwittedCity6060 Going into public can be so hard. I usually take a few minutes in the truck to prepare. A few calming breaths and some grounding. It's good to have a couple of different methods of grounding because sometimes one might not help. If you're in public for shopping it helps to have a list. A list helps give me something to focus on and helps avoid making eye contact without being too rude. I think in some ways the list actually helps keep me alittle more grounded. If you can tell yourself it's just a flashback and those feelings will pass. Remind yourself and any others that you're safe. Remind yourself that you're an adult now and are able to keep yourself safe. Comfort items can help.Just something that brings you comfort. Maybe a small stuffie you can discreetly carry with you? It helps if you can figure out what's triggering it. Is it better if you're with someone? Maybe you could take a safe person with and separate in the store for a little to slowly work your way up to shopping alone? Be patient with yourself. It takes time to figure triggers out and then work through them
@mytwistedsoul I am right there with you about going slow, keeping myself safe and reminding myself and my inner children that we are safe now, that I am an adult and I can take care of that now.
I like the idea about separating in the store for a little bit and seeing how that feels. I was thinking about walking down to a local library for a free event nets week- being in public by myself can be a good practice. And it is close to home, so I can just rush home if needed.
@quickwittedCity6060 Sorry for my delayed reply. How did it go with the library? Were you able to practice any separations for the store?
Maybe this time is good for planning and preparing how to re-introduce alcohol back into my life responsibly and with moderation. A concern that I am having about this is that I know about my internal ability to put in a mask of a fully functioning “normal” person for 3 months. I do consider myself normal. I put quotations around this word because of my trauma responses that I would need to put aside in order to not bring them up in the interactions with people. And it is not a very viable solution for me. Trauma has big everyday consequences on my being. Some say that trauma can not be healed, one can learn to live with it better. With this somber thought, I am finding my hope: it is possible to have friends, job, children. I would just need to do special treatment for myself and to be a self-advocate for myself so that other people can also participate in helping me to feel worthy of effort individual.
I am thankful for those people in my life who have seen value in me during my worst times and stuck around: (partner S., friends C., D., therapists K., S., dog F… Lol.
Here I have typed a message about how my dog does not have a choice to love me or to not love me - I am her owner and the website keeps giving me error (code 64), lol. I hope it is legal to talk about the dog’s love for the owner :)
And here is the end of my original post that I have deductively posted in portions in order to figure out where the error 64 was. It was in the dog licks!
…And she chooses to give me dog kisses. And I am thankful for that!
@quickwittedCity6060 The censor here can be a little frustrating at times lol
Day 19. Nothing too special alcohol-related. I think I have substituted the evasion of reality by mindless activities - game playing and YouTube watching. Somewhat eating sometimes.
I am proud of myself for adhering to the usual schedule and attending all of the group activities that I have planned for myself. It is more challenging now, since I am noticing more of not very high self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. “It is one more thing to add to my planned healthy activities”, - says my inner planner part and I feel myself going into overwhelmed mode. Oh well, I accept that thinking about what needs to be done is making me feel overwhelmed. It is totally normal feeling to have. I get overwhelmed because there is some research and planning that goes into the process: I need to find a program or a workbook that I can dedicate to studying or working through for 1 hour each week. For a duration of how many weeks? I do not know. Maybe 10 weeks is enough time to heal the self esteem stemming from adverse childhood experiences and being retraumatized as an adult. Maybe there is a self-esteem online group to join and then I can work on bettering myself as a part of a group - I live group activities. Especially the ones where I feel like I belong.
It sounds like a good question to journal about: what activities in my life did I participate in when I felt like I was a part of the group? As I am typing, I notice a sad part come up and share that “never”. This part feels like I have never felt like a part of a group before. Maybe this is a good trailhead to look into.
So, alcohol-wise - it is quite easy for me on this day. Maybe it is so easy because I know that in 11 days I can go back to my usual ways of consuming alcohol and then I will also have this ammunition in the conversation with my inner critic - “look, I have done 30 day AF. See? There is no problem!” I don’t know how good or bad this is, there is no need to judge. I am noticing my internal processes and validating them. I am noticing a self-sabotaging part also being present.
Well, todays check-in turned into more of a parts check-in. Which is fine by me. I wish more if the spaces were safe, non-judgmental and accepting. Just like this thread :)
