30 day AF thoughts *TW* *trauma* *extreme ideation*

@quickwittedCity6060

Hello! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, I know it's not easy and when you know just how numb you feel with alcohol it's so easy to drink. Day six?! That's awesome! Are you finding the withdrawals to be easier, or at least more manageable? Please know you have a community of people here to have seen through that journey and continue to be sober. I wish you well on your journey!

Day 7. Waking up with a complaint. I think I can do this, I am just going to complain all the way through.

dealing with emotional flashbacks in my own is challenging. I am pretty much a dependent on that little vibraty feeling in my stomach - that feeling that I used to think of as anxiety and gotten to know as a consequence of childhood adverse events - I am in a constant state of survival. Well, until I do something to stimulate my vagus nerve and to help my tummy feel calm again. “I am safe now” is the message that I am telling to my body.

Besides the bodily effects that I am noticing and dealing with, there is a social aspect of being alcohol free - I miss doing things that are “over the top”, somewhat outrageous to myself. Like, eating ramen or rotisserie chicken. Going to an online singing club and singing my heart out. Like joining an online discussion or talking to a stranger like a long-lost friend. I need to figure out where can be my safe space - where can I join and be okay with the interaction.

I know that this has something to do with boundaries and self-criticism. I wish upon myself to find the people who care and who can understand me. After reading about cPTSD and loneliness and taking into consideration the self-isolation that I prefer to go into in order to not be a burden upon anyone (I think it goes along the lines of speaking up about my needs and feeling like I am confronting the whole society by speaking up). This whole AF endeavor to some part of me feels like it is me against the society. The drunk me is looking for support and not getting it - people prefer not engage… The sober me does not reach out for support based on previous experiences of reaching out and being rejected for not having a cohesive story, for the way that I looked, for … I don’t really even know why.

The responsibility for what is happening to me now lays on the heads and shoulders of people who could not do something other than abuse me. Now, living with the incorrect understanding of the world, of whom I can trust and whom I can confide in - it sucks. It just sucks. Sitting with myself in my feelings of loneliness, abandonment and rejection.

Complaining complete.

Good morning. I made it to day 8. Congratulations. My throat hurts. My lungs hurt. Why, I why am I torturing myself? I miss numbing out my body so that I don’t feel the pain that my body remembers. Now it remembers. Now what do I do? Where is the safe space where I can talk about my pain and feel heard and understood? 

There is absolutely no reason for me to not drink - many parts of me say. They are confused and do not understand why did I all of the sudden decided to go 30 days alcohol free. And i also feel not completely on board with this decision. 

I guess I need to ask forgiveness to the parts of me that are using the drinking to cope with everyday life. I did not consult them before making the decision. I wonder if I can help my parts understand why we are doing the “healthy 30”. 

What is challenging for my parts, for my system is that I do not have the outlet of where I can be myself in a social setting. I need to find a place to be social and to feel accepted there. I should have thought of it before going AF - says my inner critic. It is usually a critic who would use a word “should”. 

I don’t know what today will bring. I plan to be with my parts and their concerns and my task is to find a social safe place. I feel the need to feel like a part of a group, like I belong. 

I do belong somewhere. At least, I belong on this planet. There is about 7 billion other ones that look like me, think like me, feel like me. Well, at least look like me or have a similar genome. About think like me and feel like me - I am sure there are people who can and will understand me and want me around and see value in me, in my life, in mg journey. 

With challenges or without, I see value in myself right now. 

Day 9. Whee. Counting days feels silly for some reason. Like a kid before Christmas. I want this years Christmas to have more magic than usual. I hope to make it more magical for me and my partner.

I am finding 7cups very helpful - first, the journaling opportunity, second, all the healing prompts to participate in and be mindful and then the third is the opportunity to share in the share circle. I am using one of the options so far. Oh, wait, I can also talk to a listener and get some support and socialization this way. It is very important to me to get the socialization. Somehow, slit seems too small to reach out - I don’t really have anything to talk about, my trauma does not immediately hurt me in the moment, I am not panicking. A part of me feels that if it is not a 911 emergency, then there is no need to reach out. I want to reach out. I also want to have friends.

So far this desire does not go beyond statement of what I want. I keep searching for a safe place to exist - a group that does art, maybe? Or, reads a book. Or, watches a movie together. Well, I need some space to be unapologetically myself, to feel safe to be me. For right now the safe place is my mind, my books, my journals. Maybe I can create the safe space in my imagination first. I don’t know. My thoughts feel not so clear.

It is 7am. I am awake early today. What will the day bring? Yesterday I was thinking about urges and preparing a plan on what I am going to do when the urge comes. My plan is to exercise, clean or distract with an activity for 30 minutes. If it does not go away, then reach out to listener here. If it does not work then maybe call the Warmline. If that does not work, well, then I do not know what I will be doing with myself - how far will I push myself to go against my will, to force myself against my wishes. In a way, it sounds like torturing myself. The unnecessary forcing of someone else’s will. Maybe I can remind myself why I am doing this in the first place:

1)when I fly next month I want to be present with myself and be a self-advocate in the airport;

2) being by myself for 4 days next month sounds scary. I don’t know how I will deal with this fear without alcohol.

3) I want to show to myself that alcohol is not a major player in my daily life. It is just a way to cope with cPTSD flashbacks

4) I want to see if my perception of the world changes and if I will notice the illusions and things that I am telling myself about my life, my relationship with alcohol, about myself in the society

5) 30days AF is a good start to reset the body’s response to alcohol and to do a more responsible drinking approach (moderation management, harm reduction - whichever works)

6) this is a good chance to spend some time searching for socially engaging situations - maybe I can volunteer in my community, or here in 7 cups (I am so afraid of commitment and getting involved. Actually, not those, I love commenting to something, and getting involved - it is how I get out of the activity, being shunned, rejected, feeling unwanted. It usually happens so abruptly. I don’t know why the same story keeps happening - I get involved, I am one of the “top class” successful achiever and then having an emotional flashback in the group - and that’s it, I get cut out as if I never existed, as if I never was a part of the group. And then I go back to alcohol, defeated. He is not going to cut me out. He is not going to shun me. )

Well, so much for the morning check-in for me. Maybe I am doing it not correctly, because I don’t know if anyone reads or even sees my posts. I hope that my journey and my sharing helps others to be more kind to themselves on their journey. I will pray for my little parts that feel like no one wants to play with them. I will play with you, little parts. I am here now. I am a grown up and I can do something about this.

Day 10. I am thinking about tri-color quinoa, blurred vision and being autistic. I think that many of my thoughts are influenced by inner critic and overall I just wake up feeling like I am a bad person. It is a new morning, there was not enough time to even do anything that can be evaluated as “good” or “bad”. It is a default state - “I am bad. People hate me. They will do things to exclude me from their activities”. My poor little inner child, I feel so much compassion for a child that feels like no one wants to play with them. I will play with you, little child. I am interested in what you are doing throughout the day. I have kindness and patience for you. I have the rest of my life to spend with you and paying attention to and fulfilling your needs. I love you. I care. You are mine.

The inner child that feels excluded asks me: “why is no one else reply to our posts here?” I say that I do not know. Maybe it is not the culture. Maybe it would be better if I did a new post for each day. Honestly, I do not know. The whole idea of posting here was to receive support from people. Just generally, people. Nothing specific. I feel the pain of the inner child that feels that they are not being noticed. “I notice you, little one. I will pay attention to you. I am sorry that you are experiencing abandonment. I am sorry that you grew to believe that noone cares. It is not true. It was not true before and it is not true now. I care. There are people who are able to care for and understand me. You can bring your hurt feelings to me and we will deal with them together. I am here for you”.

Day 10. It is 1/3 of the way done. This is 10 days out of the year that I did not use alcohol as a mellowing agent. I dealt with all of my flashbacks by myself (or with the help of my partner). While I see that there are many more things to do, today I am noticing how much I have already done. Good job, quickwittedCity, I am proud of you!

One more happy thing that I would like to share is that the scales show 1 pound less today than usual! Wheee :) My eyes are smiling ☺️

I am grateful for this forum where I can make my posts and feel supported. Thank you.

Day 11. Good morning. I am in good mood. Wheee

The one pound that was lost yesterday is back today. I guess I found my pound back. I blame the cookie and chocolate milk. Oh, what can I say, I like milk and cookies taste. Maybe I have a little Santa inside me. My inner Santa. Lol.

The weather is not sunny and it gets to my mood. I notice myself missing sunshine. Even though I am inside usually all day long - I do sit in front of the big window that lets the sun in. Sometimes I go outside to sit on the balcony.

Oh have a curious mind that keeps searching. Just searching not for anything in particular. I think it is a way of dissociating for me. Today is going to be a good day.

I keep struggling with finding a place to be social - the non-drinking me is not interested as much or maybe is too shy. I am not sure. When drinking, I just go and talk to people. Probably they notice that I drank something, and they don’t say - out of politeness or not wanting to mention it. I wonder if there is a safe place to be, regardless drinking or not. Just to communicate. I don’t think I want to go to a “sober” forum where people promote abstinence and sobriety and then don’t share about their slip-ups out of shame or guilt. Well, this is a judgement in my part. I don’t know why they do not share. I know that I need a space that is not related to drinking or not drinking at all. Maybe an art appreciation forum. Or music and singing. Or arts and crafts. Or a book club. I don’t want to get involved too much - something that is always available and is there at all times, when I feel like it, when I need it.

Today my intention is to say hi to people in a social setting. Maybe go to a sharing circle and share how lonely I feel on a daily basis. Lonely😞. Well, at least this forum, this thread is my space to share. I am grateful for the space.

Day 12. Counting days seems unnecessary and redundant. For what reason am I doing this? Maybe to keep myself accountable. Accountable for what? Being healthy? I am grateful to the universe and to my body system for allowing me to take a healthy break and go AC for these 12 days.

I went out to a restaurant last night. And had lemonade instead of wine. I have thoughts about the healthy mess of a sugary lemonade over the glass of Cabernet. For right now, lemonade is a great choice. It had so much ice in it. Being born European and after living in US for 20 years, I still am not used to tons of ice. I am okay with it. Just not used to it.

Today is a sunny day and a part of me wants to go outside and enjoy the weather. Being in public is challenging. At a restaurant last night, there was an emotional flashback and k sat with my eyes and ears covered for a bit. I felt uncomfortable trying to help myself. Maybe ashamed. Maybe afraid of what people might think of my behavior. I am thankful for my capacities to have helped me to have a nice dinner. Well, as nice as possible, considering that a flashback can come by at any moment and then I need to be strong and a self-advocate for my well-being and safety.

I had a dream tonight about me trying, attempting to be a part of the group. It felt awkward in the dream. My dream group people seem to have been friendly and patient with me and my attempts to fit in. I wonder if it is possible in real life for me to feel the sense of belonging. Right here, it would help if there would be replies to the posts that I make every day. What is the reason, that this thread is not getting much action, other than me posting? What can I do to attract replies and caring people who can understand what I am going through and support me? Maybe I can pray for it. Or, will it be selfish? Praying for peace in the world would be less selfish - a part of me says. It is self-judgement, I acknowledge. I understand. I am on my journey and this is how it looks today. My intention for today is to keep on keeping on.

Peace.

Day 13. Personal motivation to not drink right now:

1. I do not know. It feels right. 
2. I am allele to sleep, so that’s nice :) it allows me to not seek other means of putting myself to rest
3. My partner is on board - we are doing this together. It’s a together activity for us
4. I will be all nice and clear-headed for the retreat
5. Maybe I will lose some weight
6. I gain self respect and confidence when I show myself an ability to commit and see myself through a commitment. 
7. I don’t want to talk to unsafe people and expose myself to them saying mean things to me. 
8. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty and shamed next morning by inner critic
9. I plan to have a job and kids and I want to be a responsible employee and parent
10. Maybe I can make and keep new friendships (not sure if these two are related)
11. I want to finally heal from childhood trauma and to participate in and contribute to life
12. I want to improve my ability to be present in life and do less distractions 
13. I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone by calling them late at night and talking about my trauma 
14. Maybe I will learn how to enjoy life in a different manner
15. I no longer want to express hatred and aggression towards myself and my life by hurting my body and not caring about the consequences 
16. I want to have more compassionate and reciprocal relationships. I want to have less interpersonal conflicts. 

Three obstacles that I will not let get in a way:

1. Pain in my soul
2. Desire to be not present
3. Pain about the consequences of the past: broken interpersonal relationships, daily emotional flashbacks, being misunderstood by society. 
4. Peer pressure - people drinking and saying “c’mon, don’t be a party pooper” 
5. Celebrations: my own thoughts about that “one drink will not hurt anything” 

Day 14. I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I did not sleep at night. Yesterday evening there was a want for wine, I wanted (a part of me wanted) to celebrate the mini-victory of standing up for myself to an authority figure. It was challenging to distract myself and talk myself into going to bed. Still did not sleep much. Maybe 2 hours. Was awake at 5.30am, feeling like I did not sleep at all.

it is okay. I can do this. Maybe I can do a breathing exercise.

there is a HealthNut part that is active. This part wants me to do like an hour session of breathing. Well, I might as well do that. Maybe it could be fun. As long as I don’t force myself and do it out of my own volition - that’s what is important to me in the moment.

Day 15. Exactly halfway there.

there is a good news today: the upstairs neighbor that was keeping me in terror for the past 2 years moved out. Well, at least for the next 2 days. There is a whole bunch of loud noises going in - the floors are being stripped down. It is still better now knowing that he is not there. So, I can feel free to be me and not be afraid to be screamed at by him.

Too bad that I am not drinking and not smoking at this time - I am right in the middle of my 30 day AF. Oh well, maybe I can celebrate with a session of laughing yoga or something :)

surprisingly, regardless of good news, my body is responding as if there is a threat present. With the cPTSD it is normal and expected. Just surprised, that happiness is also perceived as threat by my body. Or, maybe strong feelings - I am not sure.

Now I want to stay here. (We were planning to move to another place in the next year). If that neighbor is not here, I guess the downstairs neighbor (against whom we have a restraining order) is still going to be here. Or, maybe he will move out also, and it new and nice neighbors will move in and I will have my little peaceful apartment in which I can feel safe!

This is the update for the neighbor. As for alcohol - it is not in the picture of my thoughts. My parts are patiently waiting for when the 30 days AF will finish and they can go back to drinking moderately. I am wondering what is the value of alcohol in my life - I do seem to able to deal with life without it. It is just more fun with it at this point. I wonder how does healthy relationship with alcohol looks - maybe my relationship with alcohol is healthy.

I am glad I made it to day 15. I am proud of my dedication to the process and keeping myself accountable.

The life is manifesting itself in a way that it needs to. Mg perception is different now that I am not hiding in the “I am not present - decide everything without me”- den. J am here, I am present. I want to participate in decision making. I want to be self-advocate and make sure that my needs are being met.