30 day AF thoughts *TW* *trauma* *extreme ideation*

@quickwittedCity6060

Hello! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, I know it's not easy and when you know just how numb you feel with alcohol it's so easy to drink. Day six?! That's awesome! Are you finding the withdrawals to be easier, or at least more manageable? Please know you have a community of people here to have seen through that journey and continue to be sober. I wish you well on your journey!

Thanks for the compassion! I like me some lemonade :)

Day 7. Waking up with a complaint. I think I can do this, I am just going to complain all the way through.

dealing with emotional flashbacks in my own is challenging. I am pretty much a dependent on that little vibraty feeling in my stomach - that feeling that I used to think of as anxiety and gotten to know as a consequence of childhood adverse events - I am in a constant state of survival. Well, until I do something to stimulate my vagus nerve and to help my tummy feel calm again. “I am safe now” is the message that I am telling to my body.

Besides the bodily effects that I am noticing and dealing with, there is a social aspect of being alcohol free - I miss doing things that are “over the top”, somewhat outrageous to myself. Like, eating ramen or rotisserie chicken. Going to an online singing club and singing my heart out. Like joining an online discussion or talking to a stranger like a long-lost friend. I need to figure out where can be my safe space - where can I join and be okay with the interaction.

I know that this has something to do with boundaries and self-criticism. I wish upon myself to find the people who care and who can understand me. After reading about cPTSD and loneliness and taking into consideration the self-isolation that I prefer to go into in order to not be a burden upon anyone (I think it goes along the lines of speaking up about my needs and feeling like I am confronting the whole society by speaking up). This whole AF endeavor to some part of me feels like it is me against the society. The drunk me is looking for support and not getting it - people prefer not engage… The sober me does not reach out for support based on previous experiences of reaching out and being rejected for not having a cohesive story, for the way that I looked, for … I don’t really even know why.

The responsibility for what is happening to me now lays on the heads and shoulders of people who could not do something other than abuse me. Now, living with the incorrect understanding of the world, of whom I can trust and whom I can confide in - it sucks. It just sucks. Sitting with myself in my feelings of loneliness, abandonment and rejection.

Complaining complete.

Good morning. I made it to day 8. Congratulations. My throat hurts. My lungs hurt. Why, I why am I torturing myself? I miss numbing out my body so that I don’t feel the pain that my body remembers. Now it remembers. Now what do I do? Where is the safe space where I can talk about my pain and feel heard and understood? 

There is absolutely no reason for me to not drink - many parts of me say. They are confused and do not understand why did I all of the sudden decided to go 30 days alcohol free. And i also feel not completely on board with this decision. 

I guess I need to ask forgiveness to the parts of me that are using the drinking to cope with everyday life. I did not consult them before making the decision. I wonder if I can help my parts understand why we are doing the “healthy 30”. 

What is challenging for my parts, for my system is that I do not have the outlet of where I can be myself in a social setting. I need to find a place to be social and to feel accepted there. I should have thought of it before going AF - says my inner critic. It is usually a critic who would use a word “should”. 

I don’t know what today will bring. I plan to be with my parts and their concerns and my task is to find a social safe place. I feel the need to feel like a part of a group, like I belong. 

I do belong somewhere. At least, I belong on this planet. There is about 7 billion other ones that look like me, think like me, feel like me. Well, at least look like me or have a similar genome. About think like me and feel like me - I am sure there are people who can and will understand me and want me around and see value in me, in my life, in mg journey. 

With challenges or without, I see value in myself right now. 

Day 9. Whee. Counting days feels silly for some reason. Like a kid before Christmas. I want this years Christmas to have more magic than usual. I hope to make it more magical for me and my partner.

I am finding 7cups very helpful - first, the journaling opportunity, second, all the healing prompts to participate in and be mindful and then the third is the opportunity to share in the share circle. I am using one of the options so far. Oh, wait, I can also talk to a listener and get some support and socialization this way. It is very important to me to get the socialization. Somehow, slit seems too small to reach out - I don’t really have anything to talk about, my trauma does not immediately hurt me in the moment, I am not panicking. A part of me feels that if it is not a 911 emergency, then there is no need to reach out. I want to reach out. I also want to have friends.

So far this desire does not go beyond statement of what I want. I keep searching for a safe place to exist - a group that does art, maybe? Or, reads a book. Or, watches a movie together. Well, I need some space to be unapologetically myself, to feel safe to be me. For right now the safe place is my mind, my books, my journals. Maybe I can create the safe space in my imagination first. I don’t know. My thoughts feel not so clear.

It is 7am. I am awake early today. What will the day bring? Yesterday I was thinking about urges and preparing a plan on what I am going to do when the urge comes. My plan is to exercise, clean or distract with an activity for 30 minutes. If it does not go away, then reach out to listener here. If it does not work then maybe call the Warmline. If that does not work, well, then I do not know what I will be doing with myself - how far will I push myself to go against my will, to force myself against my wishes. In a way, it sounds like torturing myself. The unnecessary forcing of someone else’s will. Maybe I can remind myself why I am doing this in the first place:

1)when I fly next month I want to be present with myself and be a self-advocate in the airport;

2) being by myself for 4 days next month sounds scary. I don’t know how I will deal with this fear without alcohol.

3) I want to show to myself that alcohol is not a major player in my daily life. It is just a way to cope with cPTSD flashbacks

4) I want to see if my perception of the world changes and if I will notice the illusions and things that I am telling myself about my life, my relationship with alcohol, about myself in the society

5) 30days AF is a good start to reset the body’s response to alcohol and to do a more responsible drinking approach (moderation management, harm reduction - whichever works)

6) this is a good chance to spend some time searching for socially engaging situations - maybe I can volunteer in my community, or here in 7 cups (I am so afraid of commitment and getting involved. Actually, not those, I love commenting to something, and getting involved - it is how I get out of the activity, being shunned, rejected, feeling unwanted. It usually happens so abruptly. I don’t know why the same story keeps happening - I get involved, I am one of the “top class” successful achiever and then having an emotional flashback in the group - and that’s it, I get cut out as if I never existed, as if I never was a part of the group. And then I go back to alcohol, defeated. He is not going to cut me out. He is not going to shun me. )

Well, so much for the morning check-in for me. Maybe I am doing it not correctly, because I don’t know if anyone reads or even sees my posts. I hope that my journey and my sharing helps others to be more kind to themselves on their journey. I will pray for my little parts that feel like no one wants to play with them. I will play with you, little parts. I am here now. I am a grown up and I can do something about this.

Hello,

I don't think you should consider that you will be able to drink responsibly after 30 days of withdrawal. I did this mistake in the past, and now I'm back to square one.

We are alcoholic, we have to realize that once we stop , it is forever. We are a new person without alcohol, and one drop of it can destroy the new you.

Alcohol is a poison for the soul, it's tricky, the first drinks make you sociable, the last make you bitter, and at the end only the bitterness is staying

Day 10. I am thinking about tri-color quinoa, blurred vision and being autistic. I think that many of my thoughts are influenced by inner critic and overall I just wake up feeling like I am a bad person. It is a new morning, there was not enough time to even do anything that can be evaluated as “good” or “bad”. It is a default state - “I am bad. People hate me. They will do things to exclude me from their activities”. My poor little inner child, I feel so much compassion for a child that feels like no one wants to play with them. I will play with you, little child. I am interested in what you are doing throughout the day. I have kindness and patience for you. I have the rest of my life to spend with you and paying attention to and fulfilling your needs. I love you. I care. You are mine.

The inner child that feels excluded asks me: “why is no one else reply to our posts here?” I say that I do not know. Maybe it is not the culture. Maybe it would be better if I did a new post for each day. Honestly, I do not know. The whole idea of posting here was to receive support from people. Just generally, people. Nothing specific. I feel the pain of the inner child that feels that they are not being noticed. “I notice you, little one. I will pay attention to you. I am sorry that you are experiencing abandonment. I am sorry that you grew to believe that noone cares. It is not true. It was not true before and it is not true now. I care. There are people who are able to care for and understand me. You can bring your hurt feelings to me and we will deal with them together. I am here for you”.

Day 10. It is 1/3 of the way done. This is 10 days out of the year that I did not use alcohol as a mellowing agent. I dealt with all of my flashbacks by myself (or with the help of my partner). While I see that there are many more things to do, today I am noticing how much I have already done. Good job, quickwittedCity, I am proud of you!

One more happy thing that I would like to share is that the scales show 1 pound less today than usual! Wheee :) My eyes are smiling ☺️

I am grateful for this forum where I can make my posts and feel supported. Thank you.

Day 11. Good morning. I am in good mood. Wheee

The one pound that was lost yesterday is back today. I guess I found my pound back. I blame the cookie and chocolate milk. Oh, what can I say, I like milk and cookies taste. Maybe I have a little Santa inside me. My inner Santa. Lol.

The weather is not sunny and it gets to my mood. I notice myself missing sunshine. Even though I am inside usually all day long - I do sit in front of the big window that lets the sun in. Sometimes I go outside to sit on the balcony.

Oh have a curious mind that keeps searching. Just searching not for anything in particular. I think it is a way of dissociating for me. Today is going to be a good day.

I keep struggling with finding a place to be social - the non-drinking me is not interested as much or maybe is too shy. I am not sure. When drinking, I just go and talk to people. Probably they notice that I drank something, and they don’t say - out of politeness or not wanting to mention it. I wonder if there is a safe place to be, regardless drinking or not. Just to communicate. I don’t think I want to go to a “sober” forum where people promote abstinence and sobriety and then don’t share about their slip-ups out of shame or guilt. Well, this is a judgement in my part. I don’t know why they do not share. I know that I need a space that is not related to drinking or not drinking at all. Maybe an art appreciation forum. Or music and singing. Or arts and crafts. Or a book club. I don’t want to get involved too much - something that is always available and is there at all times, when I feel like it, when I need it.

Today my intention is to say hi to people in a social setting. Maybe go to a sharing circle and share how lonely I feel on a daily basis. Lonely😞. Well, at least this forum, this thread is my space to share. I am grateful for the space.

Day 12. Counting days seems unnecessary and redundant. For what reason am I doing this? Maybe to keep myself accountable. Accountable for what? Being healthy? I am grateful to the universe and to my body system for allowing me to take a healthy break and go AC for these 12 days.

I went out to a restaurant last night. And had lemonade instead of wine. I have thoughts about the healthy mess of a sugary lemonade over the glass of Cabernet. For right now, lemonade is a great choice. It had so much ice in it. Being born European and after living in US for 20 years, I still am not used to tons of ice. I am okay with it. Just not used to it.

Today is a sunny day and a part of me wants to go outside and enjoy the weather. Being in public is challenging. At a restaurant last night, there was an emotional flashback and k sat with my eyes and ears covered for a bit. I felt uncomfortable trying to help myself. Maybe ashamed. Maybe afraid of what people might think of my behavior. I am thankful for my capacities to have helped me to have a nice dinner. Well, as nice as possible, considering that a flashback can come by at any moment and then I need to be strong and a self-advocate for my well-being and safety.

I had a dream tonight about me trying, attempting to be a part of the group. It felt awkward in the dream. My dream group people seem to have been friendly and patient with me and my attempts to fit in. I wonder if it is possible in real life for me to feel the sense of belonging. Right here, it would help if there would be replies to the posts that I make every day. What is the reason, that this thread is not getting much action, other than me posting? What can I do to attract replies and caring people who can understand what I am going through and support me? Maybe I can pray for it. Or, will it be selfish? Praying for peace in the world would be less selfish - a part of me says. It is self-judgement, I acknowledge. I understand. I am on my journey and this is how it looks today. My intention for today is to keep on keeping on.

Peace.

Day 13. Personal motivation to not drink right now:

1. I do not know. It feels right. 
2. I am allele to sleep, so that’s nice :) it allows me to not seek other means of putting myself to rest
3. My partner is on board - we are doing this together. It’s a together activity for us
4. I will be all nice and clear-headed for the retreat
5. Maybe I will lose some weight
6. I gain self respect and confidence when I show myself an ability to commit and see myself through a commitment. 
7. I don’t want to talk to unsafe people and expose myself to them saying mean things to me. 
8. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty and shamed next morning by inner critic
9. I plan to have a job and kids and I want to be a responsible employee and parent
10. Maybe I can make and keep new friendships (not sure if these two are related)
11. I want to finally heal from childhood trauma and to participate in and contribute to life
12. I want to improve my ability to be present in life and do less distractions 
13. I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone by calling them late at night and talking about my trauma 
14. Maybe I will learn how to enjoy life in a different manner
15. I no longer want to express hatred and aggression towards myself and my life by hurting my body and not caring about the consequences 
16. I want to have more compassionate and reciprocal relationships. I want to have less interpersonal conflicts. 

Three obstacles that I will not let get in a way:

1. Pain in my soul
2. Desire to be not present
3. Pain about the consequences of the past: broken interpersonal relationships, daily emotional flashbacks, being misunderstood by society. 
4. Peer pressure - people drinking and saying “c’mon, don’t be a party pooper” 
5. Celebrations: my own thoughts about that “one drink will not hurt anything” 

Day 14. I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I did not sleep at night. Yesterday evening there was a want for wine, I wanted (a part of me wanted) to celebrate the mini-victory of standing up for myself to an authority figure. It was challenging to distract myself and talk myself into going to bed. Still did not sleep much. Maybe 2 hours. Was awake at 5.30am, feeling like I did not sleep at all.

it is okay. I can do this. Maybe I can do a breathing exercise.

there is a HealthNut part that is active. This part wants me to do like an hour session of breathing. Well, I might as well do that. Maybe it could be fun. As long as I don’t force myself and do it out of my own volition - that’s what is important to me in the moment.

Day 15. Exactly halfway there.

there is a good news today: the upstairs neighbor that was keeping me in terror for the past 2 years moved out. Well, at least for the next 2 days. There is a whole bunch of loud noises going in - the floors are being stripped down. It is still better now knowing that he is not there. So, I can feel free to be me and not be afraid to be screamed at by him.

Too bad that I am not drinking and not smoking at this time - I am right in the middle of my 30 day AF. Oh well, maybe I can celebrate with a session of laughing yoga or something :)

surprisingly, regardless of good news, my body is responding as if there is a threat present. With the cPTSD it is normal and expected. Just surprised, that happiness is also perceived as threat by my body. Or, maybe strong feelings - I am not sure.

Now I want to stay here. (We were planning to move to another place in the next year). If that neighbor is not here, I guess the downstairs neighbor (against whom we have a restraining order) is still going to be here. Or, maybe he will move out also, and it new and nice neighbors will move in and I will have my little peaceful apartment in which I can feel safe!

This is the update for the neighbor. As for alcohol - it is not in the picture of my thoughts. My parts are patiently waiting for when the 30 days AF will finish and they can go back to drinking moderately. I am wondering what is the value of alcohol in my life - I do seem to able to deal with life without it. It is just more fun with it at this point. I wonder how does healthy relationship with alcohol looks - maybe my relationship with alcohol is healthy.

I am glad I made it to day 15. I am proud of my dedication to the process and keeping myself accountable.

The life is manifesting itself in a way that it needs to. Mg perception is different now that I am not hiding in the “I am not present - decide everything without me”- den. J am here, I am present. I want to participate in decision making. I want to be self-advocate and make sure that my needs are being met.

@quickwittedCity6060 I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for the work you're putting into not using alcohol to cope. I know it's not easy and something I've struggled with myself. Anything to cope. To make it through another day. Another night. Anything to quiet our heads and dull the flashbacks

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for the kind words and chat mentions. I might be interested in joining some of them.

@quickwittedCity6060 You're welcome :) Wednesdays chat has some really great people. And you're always welcome to just sit and lurk in the background until you get comfortable. I usually host that one lol :) 

Totally an out of left field question but - what kind of dog do you have? 

@thelemonade

Thank you for the kind words on day 6. I keep thinking about all the supportive presences in my life!

Day 16. I am exhausted today. Ex-ha-us-ted. I was thinking that after 2 weeks of AF, I would feel full of energy and everything good that the motivational articles were talking about. k am noticing low energy, kind of more sad mood and feeling overwhelmed, like there is no space to relax, to take a break. I have been sleeping more than usual. Well, maybe mg body is detoxing and the higher levels of energy and more stable mood are all in the future.

Another question that crosses my mind is what amount of cPTSD consequences were usually mellowed out and covered by alcohol use: now I am facing emotional flashbacks as is, raw, without the support and safe space that being under influence sometimes was able to provide. Now am reaching for my safe places using my skills, knowledge and willingness. The salamander move, shaking off emotions, vigorous 1 min exercise and putting face in cold water are all my daily tools that I actually use more than twice in each day.

In the guide that I follow todays topic is the common drinking traps - 1) thinking that alcohol was never a problem; 2) feeling sorry for yourself and 3) crisis. During crisis all bets are off and drinking becomes more allowed to help oneself feel better.

I don’t know how much I agree with those points, J am just going to let myself allow these thoughts to exist in my mind without evaluating them. I believe that my inner wisdom will help me see the correct meaning of this information.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel more energized. I am trying to relax. I am thankful that I was able to sleep well through pretty much every night except for 1. And I stayed up by myself without using the coping strategy that I could have used. So, I practiced to deal with a triggering situation (not being able to sleep) and I was able to address it by myself with my own inner resources. I find confidence in this event.

Day 17. Good morning. For my check in: I am feeling good. I want to a supportive meeting last night and I felt supported. I cried a little. I like to feel supported. And it scares me at the same time - it feels unusual to not be alone with facing what seems like an eternity, something so much bigger and stronger than me…I am grateful for all the support that I am receiving in one way or another.

I watched something yesterday about positive thinking and rewriting the negative experiences in life in a positive light. Yes, he is right, that it will be easier on other people to be around a person who is in their grief do not ugly cry in public and who do not share the mildly painful portions of their experience. And, as a result - the others are not upset, so, they are not going to stress us out - like it is a win-win. Well, it is not. Grief is important. And grief is not only about the death - it’s about a loss of a dream, a friendship, a hope. I am noticing parts in me that are wanting to go along with what they imagine society wants them to do - to minimize the pain, the intensity of the feelings that I am feeling while living through mg life experiences.

Today I am choosing to acknowledge and appreciate the pain that I live with daily. It is strong. It is heavy. And it is mine to be with. I can be with my pain. I wish to attract, to find people who understand the importance of grieving and accepting the emotions as they are. I am open to people who can understand and support me in my journey. I am ready to lean in.

Day 18. My parts are counting backwards now. Only 12 more days till the 30 day AF journey/task/endeavor is done. It is like from the movie, where the phone rings and the person picks up and the voice says “12 more days…” Lol 😂 

I don’t know if I am going to celebrate and let myself go straight back to how I used to drink before with this newly found knowledge and understanding that I can do 30 days without alcohol, or maybe I will change some things around to be more confident around alcohol use. 

So far my findings are:

1) I can go to sleep without drinking. I am able to sleep!!! Yay. This is a big one for me, since the decision to drink in the beginning was strongly related to not being able to sleep. 

2) I can deal with emotional flashbacks by myself also. While drinking alcohol mellows out the symptoms of flashbacks drastically (I don’t get as edgy, angry or hopeless), I am able to utilize my skills, knowledge and willingness to help me through the rough patches of intense overwhelming emotions:

vigorous exercise/pummeling on a pillow, shaking exercise, breathing exercises, salamander move - anything to reset the vagus nerve and turn on the parasympathetic nervous system, to rest and digest. I am not comfortable using these techniques on public, so public spaces and emotional flashbacks do not mesh well yet. Oh well, I have the rest of my life to figure out that out. (If anyone has thoughts and and advice on how to deal with emotional flashbacks in public - by all means, please share).

I went to bed so so so early last night. Like, at 8 pm. If things go like this, I will possibly be able to take a nap during the day! (An unforeseen occurrence for me, lol). 

@quickwittedCity6060 Going into public can be so hard. I usually take a few minutes in the truck to prepare. A few calming breaths and some grounding. It's good to have a couple of different methods of grounding because sometimes one might not help. If you're in public for shopping it helps to have a list. A list helps give me something to focus on and helps avoid making eye contact without being too rude. I think in some ways the list actually helps keep me alittle more grounded. If you can tell yourself it's just a flashback and those feelings will pass. Remind yourself and any others that you're safe. Remind yourself that you're an adult now and are able to keep yourself safe. Comfort items can help.Just something that brings you comfort. Maybe a small stuffie you can discreetly carry with you? It helps if you can figure out what's triggering it. Is it better if you're with someone? Maybe you could take a safe person with and separate in the store for a little to slowly work your way up to shopping alone? Be patient with yourself. It takes time to figure triggers out and then work through them

@mytwistedsoul I am right there with you about going slow, keeping myself safe and reminding myself and my inner children that we are safe now, that I am an adult and I can take care of that now.

I like the idea about separating in the store for a little bit and seeing how that feels. I was thinking about walking down to a local library for a free event nets week- being in public by myself can be a good practice. And it is close to home, so I can just rush home if needed.

@quickwittedCity6060 Sorry for my delayed reply. How did it go with the library? Were you able to practice any separations for the store? 

Maybe this time is good for planning and preparing how to re-introduce alcohol back into my life responsibly and with moderation. A concern that I am having about this is that I know about my internal ability to put in a mask of a fully functioning “normal” person for 3 months. I do consider myself normal. I put quotations around this word because of my trauma responses that I would need to put aside in order to not bring them up in the interactions with people. And it is not a very viable solution for me. Trauma has big everyday consequences on my being. Some say that trauma can not be healed, one can learn to live with it better. With this somber thought, I am finding my hope: it is possible to have friends, job, children. I would just need to do special treatment for myself and to be a self-advocate for myself so that other people can also participate in helping me to feel worthy of effort individual. 

I am thankful for those people in my life who have seen value in me during my worst times and stuck around: (partner S., friends C., D., therapists K., S., dog F… Lol.

Here I have typed a message about how my dog does not have a choice to love me or to not love me - I am her owner and the website keeps giving me error (code 64), lol. I hope it is legal to talk about the dog’s love for the owner :)

And here is the end of my original post that I have deductively posted in portions in order to figure out where the error 64 was. It was in the dog licks!

…And she chooses to give me dog kisses. And I am thankful for that!

@quickwittedCity6060 The censor here can be a little frustrating at times lol

End of day 18 check in. 😅

Day 19. Nothing too special alcohol-related. I think I have substituted the evasion of reality by mindless activities - game playing and YouTube watching. Somewhat eating sometimes.

I am proud of myself for adhering to the usual schedule and attending all of the group activities that I have planned for myself. It is more challenging now, since I am noticing more of not very high self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. “It is one more thing to add to my planned healthy activities”, - says my inner planner part and I feel myself going into overwhelmed mode. Oh well, I accept that thinking about what needs to be done is making me feel overwhelmed. It is totally normal feeling to have. I get overwhelmed because there is some research and planning that goes into the process: I need to find a program or a workbook that I can dedicate to studying or working through for 1 hour each week. For a duration of how many weeks? I do not know. Maybe 10 weeks is enough time to heal the self esteem stemming from adverse childhood experiences and being retraumatized as an adult. Maybe there is a self-esteem online group to join and then I can work on bettering myself as a part of a group - I live group activities. Especially the ones where I feel like I belong.

It sounds like a good question to journal about: what activities in my life did I participate in when I felt like I was a part of the group? As I am typing, I notice a sad part come up and share that “never”. This part feels like I have never felt like a part of a group before. Maybe this is a good trailhead to look into.

So, alcohol-wise - it is quite easy for me on this day. Maybe it is so easy because I know that in 11 days I can go back to my usual ways of consuming alcohol and then I will also have this ammunition in the conversation with my inner critic - “look, I have done 30 day AF. See? There is no problem!” I don’t know how good or bad this is, there is no need to judge. I am noticing my internal processes and validating them. I am noticing a self-sabotaging part also being present.

Well, todays check-in turned into more of a parts check-in. Which is fine by me. I wish more if the spaces were safe, non-judgmental and accepting. Just like this thread :)

Day 20. We made it! Yay! 10 more days of non-alcohol days.

Today is a planned day to celebrate and spend the money that would have been spent on drinking activity. So, I have chosen an activity that I would like to do - I am excited to go and try it, I am fearful that it will not work out, I am happy to be doing something out of the ordinary: the plan is to do the activity and then get a sandwich to eat. It shall be fun, I hope.

It would be wonderful when I have a group of friends or people to talk with. What am I doing for it? 1) I am wishing really really hard for friends who care about me and can understand me; 2) I search for forums and *** groups where people meet to support one another and maybe to read books on NVC, IFS an cPTSD. Those are not so much my hobbies as much as tools for survival and functioning in the world. It is a little sad that I do not yet have a luxury to have hobbies and discuss topics outside of trauma, flashbacks and dealing with consequences of adverse childhood experiences; Healing is my main focus and it is okay. I deserve to heal. I deserve people who support and understand me on my healing journey. 3) I go to group meetings and participate in group activities. It is surprising how I am still feeling lonely while the people are right there, saying: “quickwitted, we see you! We hear you. We support you!” There are many people who offer their contacts to connect and be partners (in IFS or NVC “empathy buddies”) - I am not reaching out in my end - why is that? Today I allow myself to not accept this support and not judge myself and rather be curious about why is it that some of my parts do not see support that is being provided as something useful for themselves.

If I have enough money to spend, I will get a pant-based milkshake. I think it would be a nice treat on the already a treat day for myself!

Ha-ha. A pant-based milkshake! A milkshake in pants - some cool kind of milkshake.

A plant-based milkshake. Which I did not get and enjoyed a bottled water with a plant-based burger - a great finishing touch after the kayaking activity, which I did as a celebration of 20 days of AF.

Day 21. 9 more days. They will be crowned with going to the retreat for the last 4 days or so.

Yesterday I spent a whole chunk of my day quarreling with and being offended by my partners actions. I so don’t want to be dependent on him with such a high level- to be dependent on his decision to be present or not present in the moment. Regardless of his behavior, I can choose to be taking care of myself. This sounds so… untrue when I type this. There is a basic level of safety that I need to feel/achieve before I can operate. Just some knowing that I am not alone. That I have a person (or persons) on my side who support me and understand me.

Today I set the intention to maybe pay attention to self-esteem or self-reliance. Or maybe codependency and healing from it. Something along the line of being codependent in romantic relationship. I so wish that I will be able to let my partner be himself, with his pains from the past, worries about the future and awesomeness about the present. No one is perfect and it is totally fine with me.

I am grateful. It is 7am and I am up. There is a fun group activity at in 1 hour that I am looking forward to.

Day 22. My thoughts are not about alcohol in my life - a part of me is wondering why am I still doing check-ins. Well, little part, I do them to show to myself that I can be commuted and consistent with my decision, that I have power and can use it appropriately. It is an interesting trailhead to follow though - which part of me does not mind giving up the agreed upon commitment and to stop checking in - what is the positive intent of this part? I am certainly not too much bothered by check ins, if anything it almost feels like I am not alone in the journey and there is support. So, there are parts that find value in the check ins.

Yhe days are going well. I substituted the usual evening wine with a cup of cold chocolate made from cacao powder (which is a whole art of mixing it homogeneously). There is a small concern about re-introducing the alcohol in a moderate and responsible manner - this thought is on my mind a lot. I do sense the presence of fear of “going overboard” when drunk limitation is going to be lifted. In a way, it used to be a sign from me to my parts that I love them by letting them do their firefighting activity (compulsive behavior) as much as they needed. My only request was to stay safe. And I think that mg style of treating this situation will be similar now.

When I was starting the 30 day AF endeavor, I thought that I would have tons of free time on my hands - some days I would spend 4 to 6 hours (sometimes more or even through the night) drinking. Well, now I am doing the same things just without the drinking - I still feel like there is no time for resting. I have newly found that I can sleep and I am so grateful for that. Yes, it takes a nightly routine and some melatonine - oh well, what works works. I will take that. Another win is that not all dreams that I have are nightmares. Some of them are just simple replays of past high school bullying (which is much better than reliving the other scenarios when my life was in danger). So in that department I see progress. I am curious to see what my parts are going to do now with the newfound (newly remembered) skills and abilities to live life - are they going to go straight back into their old ways or to incorporate some of the new habits or to develop completely new routines from scratch. I can make an educated guess that they will go to their previous ways - I was not able to find new activities, places and people to interact with. I wish I did. I was trying to remember a name of the platform where people do activities together and no luck yet. Oh well, I will keep looking through my journals.

For me it is important to find places that do not care for use of substances either way (as long as it is done in a safe manner, safety first!) I used to have couple friends that did not care either way -if I was drinking or not- they just enjoyed my company. Somehow life has led us in different directions and new friends did not show up yet. Well, I am looking for them and waiting for them with open arms. I surely have a lot to offer in terms of companionship myself.

Recently another capacity of mine showed up - persistence. It shows itself symbolically as a bull. I can surely be persistent, lol. This capacity goes right there, together with hope, intuition, thinking and humor.

Day 23. One more week of this goodness. Yesterday I got to find out that one of my online acquaintances was doing 30 days alcohol free and then decided to keep going just to see how long they will pull it off and now they are on day 66. This is interesting. If to go for 100 days - that’s one third of the year non-drinking. Or like, drink for 2 days and rest for 1 day. I am sober-curious in that sense - do I want to have days on which I do not drink? As I am typing, I am noticing my body’s response - the fear, the judgement, non-acceptance. The previous way of “just do it and don’t think about it” is lighting up in me - the old passages that are set in place, the passages to avoid the pain at any expense. Oh, how much compassion I feel for the parts of me that has made the decisions to choose drinking in the beginning at all. I am not alone in this. I am built to survive this. (My affirmations app offered that one yesterday and it felt good to think of myself as someone who has power).

It is 6am. I am a little grumpy. I am not sleeping. And the morning thoughts are not of the “good morning, everybody. Today is going to be a good day!” - kind. My thoughts are about how there is an opportunity to set and practice a boundary in one relationship, set up an appointment to get together and to get to know each other better in another and to do an activity together with the third one. Thinking about my health, exercise routines, breakfast… guilty-ing myself for not doing morning parts check in or positive affirmations for a better day (or a transcendence meditation). So, I am eagerly planning the day and judging myself for not doing the things that “maybe the better me” would do.

Actually, I am trying to steer clear fro the “maybe better me”. Because when I get into that state of mind, I do everything as perfect as possible, with a very high standard for myself. Doing things in such a manner usually causes me to burn out quickly and then I find myself trying to relax with a drink in my hand. A big part of my success with AF is that I do not go to this self-demanding place of being “good”. “If you don’t do it well, don’t do it at all”. The motto of my inner perfectionist. Maybe today I can set the intention to get to know this part of me better - what is this part afraid would happen if I don’t do things perfectly? And the answer comes right away - Spence of belonging, acceptance. Everyone likes a hundred dollar bill. This part wants me to be a hundred dollar bill for everyone and to be liked.

Well, this sounds like a good trailhead to explore for today. Here is to another wonderful AF day. It’s not the alcohol that makes or breaks my day - it’s me and my wonderful personality. Alcohol is just a tool that can be useful at times and I can rely on my other capacities to help myself deal with emotional flashbacks and life’s everyday tasks overall.

Day 24. Good morning to all you good people. I made a typo and first typed day 34 and then noticed and thought to myself - how would that feel to be true? There is definitely some charm in day counting and everyday checking for accountability. I might, sometime in the future do it again and start counting. No promises though. I promised myself to keep this at 30 days and I intend to keep this promise to myself.

I am starting to plan for an event in 5 days. I have 2 full days of busy time - activities, book clubs, healing, relaxation. J am grateful that I have desire, time and opportunity to take care of myself.

I plan to cut and freeze some king oyster mushrooms. To do some tai chi in the morning. Listen to lectures on cPTSD and recovery. I plan to wash my hair - a big event for me. And to make a phone call. Another big event. I am putting myself out there and being courageous about it.

Here I am, planning my day. At 6am. I am surely an early riser when I sleep early. I am looking forward to keeping the sleeping habit after the AF time is done. I wonder if a glass or two of the drink will be standing in a way of my natural sleep cycle. Sleeping is very very important to me - I really enjoy it when I can fall asleep in a timely manner, stay asleep and not to see dreams that are not pleasant.

Did I think that I was going to make it to day 24? I did not give much thought to that. Once the decision is made, it is easy to adhere to it. Now I need to be gentle with myself coming out of it, reintroducing alcohol (if I choose to) and setting and playing by a new set of rules. Will I though? I have concerns. If is better to say that a part of me has concerns. The concern that I will go overboard with drinking because I forced myself into AF day event.

There is a part of me that likes to do things by “squeezing” me in somewhere and then saying - “well you don’t have a choice other than to perform”. And I have performed. In sport clubs, book clubs, in school and college, in programs. In this event of 30 days alcohol free - mg system just does it, like a feisty kitten relaxes once the mother cat picks him up from behind the neck - both, the kitten and the cat parts are parts of me. The momma-cat part, it feels, got passed down to me from a parent - the attitude is such that if one is a part of a group, the have no choice other than perform and learn from the group and be more like a group. I remember myself “forcing” myself to go to Germany and learn the language there more fluently. While in Germany, I was not a part of the group with whom I went though and learned my German from the locals with whom I hung out daily. And drank lots of wine lol. And they were Muslim or at least they said they were - they did not pray in the mornings. It was interesting and foggy time for myself. I enjoyed being in a different country. I felt so lonely and alienated from the group with whom I was traveling. I just was not a part of that group at all and I felt that alienation. Drinking on that trip and hanging out with drinking locals was a way for me to cope with the pain of not belonging. I wonder if I will be able to feel the sense of belonging in the upcoming event.

I don’t know how does the sense of belonging feels. I want to feel like I belong. The most recent time someone told me that I was belonging to a group, I had an emotional flashback and got kicked out of that group. Retraumatizations of that sort are a frequent occurrence in my life that is followed by the bout of going inside and licking my wounds in the drinking space. Somehow that space feels (felt) safer than other spaces. I am looking for other places (in addition to drinking

space) where I can feel safe. In the end, the world is my oyster and I am an able individual. Just like everybody else. Everyone has their challenges in life and so do I. I look for a safe place where I can feel the sense of belonging.

Day 25. Good morning. It is 6.30 am. And my time to check in with myself and with the world.

I woke up with a sensation of knots in the stomach - I am thinking about doing a worry yoga or maybe vagus nerve yoga - not sure if that exists, I am willing to internet search that, it might lead to finding some fun results.

In the past days I am totally not thinking about alcohol at all. There are other things on my mind. Did it take me 25 days to restructure my world? Or am I just following through with what I agreed with myself upon? Questions, questions…

If to try to answer those questions - I feel a sense of anger coming up. If it was so easy - just 25 days and some journaling - why did I not do it earlier, why did I have to do the drinking years? Oh, my. While answering one question, another question comes up. Okay, I can be patient with myself. It is easier to do it now because I am more aware and skillful now at dealing with my pain. 20 years ago things and goals were different and now J have more ability to stay present in the moment, the ability to think, feel and talk at the same time (not so much during the flashbacks and I am aware of this. Small steps).

And to answer the second question that I am posing to myself and choosing to answer today is yes, I am simply following through on what my intention was of going 30 days AF and on the day of the return from my traveling arrangements (maybe even at the airport if I feel like it), I am intending to drink some wine. It could be a sip. It could be a glass. It could be more. In this moment I am re-stating to myself what my plan was and that I am sticking to it as planned. As for the amount and uncertainty about the re-introduction, I acknowledge that I am not fully prepared for that and I have more questions than answers. I think when I was starting on this AF endeavor, I kind of did not think about what was going to happen after the 30 days is done. And now I have parts of me that are perplexed and experience confusion about how to be and behave on those “unplanned” and unprepared for days. As for today, I choose to acknowledge my confusion. I can set the intention to look for clarity - that would be the “right” logical thing to do. Well, I think I have exceeded my limit of “right and logical” things to do this month, lol. 😂 Not every decision has to be right and logical. I give myself permission to be not right and not logical sometimes and I am okay with that. I see value in myself right now, I see value in myself when I am making logical decision and I see value in myself when I make not logical decisions. I matter!

Day 26. My mind is completely off the drinking and in the upcoming 4 days of me being present, parenting my parts, communicating and being involved in maybe group activities. Many parts of me are worried about the possible self-isolation - my usual way of dealing with group situations (unless drinking is involved, lol). I so so wish strongly want for myself to feel that sense of belonging. The feeling of being okay to exist. The most recent time comes ip in mind is the experience in Germany where I was powering through it by myself. “Fake it till you make it” was my motto. Now my motto is… I don’t know, I don’t have one yet. I am so so hoping for something good to happen with me. For me to feel loved and accepted. As I imagine the feeling of love and acceptance being bestowed upon me, I notice a fear come up - what if I will want to celebrate with drinking? And, let’s explore this. No judgement is needed. So, after coming home, if I decide to celebrate by letting myself enjoy alcohol, I will be okay with that. Do I need to have some rules in place? I actually do have a set of rules written out for safe drinking for myself. Maybe I can utilize those as a guide for me to enjoy that evening/night/next day. Next day will be the Friday exactly one week from today. I wonder if I will be choosing to check in on that day. Maybe I will. Maybe I will not. Regardless of what I will choose, I will be okay. I am ready for this. I have made all the preparations and I still have time to prepare some more.

So, maybe my mind is not completely off the alcohol. There are 2 things that stand out the most today: 1) interpersonal relationship (people-to-people relationships and interactions) and 2) how am I going to celebrate (or maybe help myself through struggle, if things do not go well) upon return.

Today I set the intention of addressing my little worried inner children’s fears about possible isolation and feeling of being not accepted. Oooopphhh, I feel the sense energy rising up in me - this is a trailhead that has a response in my body. So, I feel the need to address this. The question “what if they don’t accept me?” I plan to ponder on this today.

Day 28. 2 more days. Well, I will be away for the 30ieth, so I will be celebrating that later in a week. How would I like to celebrate: I have a plan of what I am going to drink and eat in the evening. And possible social activities. For the social activities I wish I planned a little better in terms finding places where alcohol is not mandatory and also is not banned, where it is not the focus of the group. I have seen chess clubs that are called “drink and play”. I am not sure if I actually want the activity to be built around alcohol. I feel confusion around this. I know what I don’t want - I don’t want politics, economy or history. I want art and music, less books and movies. Maybe light stretching exercise. Maybe handcrafting. I feel myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about this. I understand why I usually get overwhelmed when thinking about how to spend my time socially and then ending up drinking the challenge away.

My intention for today is to think of safe and healthy social situations to make available for myself. Or in my case - think of a possibility of such places. I will be checking in in a week or so just as a follow up. Because 30 days will be over. Maybe I will outline the results and finishing thoughts. And this will be a one complete project. Yay!

@alexander0712

Hi and thank you for checking on me. Yes, I am okay - I was away for couple days and now I am back.

It does help to know that you are listening. Thank you very much for letting me know.

I will be closing this thread with last check in, since the task is complete. Maybe I will open another one.

I am glad you found this thread inspiring and relatable. I appreciate this feedback and feel seen.