Breaking the Comparison Cycle
Comparison is one of the easiest traps to get stuck in, nowadays more than ever. We see friends, family, and even strangers out there achieving great things (or things we consider to be great). Next to them, we start to believe that our lives aren’t as fulfilling because we’re not doing this, we don’t own that, we don’t look like them, etc. From these feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and self-doubt we create patterns of negative thoughts, and it becomes a vicious cycle.
But here’s the thing: everyone’s journey is unique. What may look perfect from the outside is often a carefully curated image. Behind the scenes, people are facing their own challenges, doubts, and insecurities
Social media has really amplified the comparison mindset, what with being constantly bombarded with images of people living dream lives. But it’s crucial to your mental health to remember that these platforms often present a distorted reality. What we see online is often a highlight reel that’s edited to showcase the best moments, and only those. People show you what they want you to see.
And as tempting as it is, as instinctive as it’s become, endless scrolling does not help. (And if you feel called out, don’t worry - I am guilty of this too.) You've got too much to do for that. You've got activities to find and hobbies that bring you joy. You've got people to meet (maybe even here!), and a life to build undistracted by what other people are doing.
Spending time comparing yourself to someone else is time lost to your own growth. What makes it easier for me is trying to view these ideal-looking people as motivation to light a fire in met. I don’t want to become them. I want to aspire to be the best version of myself. For instance, someone who’s become a published writer inspires me to want to set my goals and actually be proactive about them. My path is different, but if I don’t try, I won’t even begin.
The same can be said about so many other things we fall prey to when we compare ourselves to people when, in fact, we’re all on our own journeys. You can’t change your past. You can’t jump onto someone else’s path and expect to emulate them down to the last step.
Your worth is not determined by your achievements or possessions, or your appearance. It’s found in your kindness, your resilience, and your unique qualities. Try to let go of unrealistic expectations, focus on the path in front of you, and invest in yourself.
You are enough.
And I completely sympathize with how difficult this is from personal experience but if you're feeling this, if you're vibing with this post, let's take the challenge together and promise ourselves to give it a try. ❤️
@Heather225
what about comparing what you imagined, desired and worked so hard for against a reality that’s less than favourable?
nothing can fix it regardless of hard work , money or any amount of effort . How do we stop that comparison other than living in the present moment absent minded?
🤷🏻♀️
stop comparison towards others? Delete all social (fake facade) media, it’s pointless and full of images people want to portray, not reality. If you don’t delete it least accept it the case everything is wonderful for anyone.
@LabeledBPD
YOU HAVE A POINT! That also happens...You imagine you can easily earn money, but when you can't it gawks at you and exhausts you.[Though in reality we know it is not is easy, nothing is stopping us us from thinking that!] 😓
Great and relevant article!
Scientific studies back that comparing ourselves to others is a main source of feeling miserable
I have known wealthy businesspeople who were obsessed with comparing themselves with more successful companies. Bringing much unhappiness.
Also professionals at the highest levels in their field, comparing with more successful ones. There will always be someone in a better position. This is a huge world.
The tenth best tennis player compares to the 1st and feels terrible. He/she is among the 10 best among the zillions who play tennis in the world! Same at the Olympics, you can see the faces of disappointment, frustration and bitterness, some even crying of those who don't make it to the podium. They are all Olympians! The very best of the best worldwide in their sports!
These are extreme cases but they illustrate how comparison, and comparison alone, can make us miserable, no matter our achievements and how wonderful we are.
We human beings are amazing creatures, capable of awareness, love and compassion.
We have consciousness, the only ones we know in a vast Universe of inert matter.
Each of us is amazing beyond words.
The differences among ourselves are minuscule in this big picture.
Comparing ourselves with others and obsessing with those minuscule differences is a very destructive and unfounded mindset.
We must counter it by focusing on ourselves, being mindful and self-aware, and cultivating self-love.
That will allow us to support other fellow human beings as well. "Giving from out overflow".
Also here comparison is detrimental. We are not superior to those we support. We are all vulnerable. We are all in the same boat of the human condition. Some had more luck than others, and that is all.
May your teachings add at least a little bit more of happiness and wisdom to our Community!
@Heather225
@HealingTalk
Yeah, I agree! [Especially your last lines! I never took the time to think like that!]. WE ALL ARE SAME YET DIFFERENT AT THE SAME TIME!!😲
I am happy that you share this idea.
Yes, absolutely! At a fundamental level, we share the same existential conditions as human beings. We are vulnerable, but we also have a huge potential for flourishing in all kinds of ways.
@wIthpeACE
@HealingTalk
I know what you mean. I have received a lot of help reaching here [TBH am still receiving help]. Both members and listeners are now a part of my existence. I am thankful to all my friends. :)
@HealingTalk
Well said my friend, well said! 😊 ❤️
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo Accepting all hi fives and hugs💖 [mine, mine they are all mine..muhaahaha!! *que evil laughter*😂😂]
(And thanks..😊)
@SparkyGizmo {i know u did not tag me but lets all agree otherwise} ...pls
Thank you, Sparky.
You are always so encouraging!
I appreciate you very much!
@SparkyGizmo
@HealingTalk great insights HT!
Thank you, Glen!
@GlenM
@HealingTalk I do not understand, why people want to compare. You cannot. We are all unique.
@Heather225 This really spoke to me tonight. Thank you for the lovely post.
@Heather225
Thanks for sharing this!! This happens alot in life. Not only famous people but us normals get stuck in this cycle, too [Perhaps more so than then]. I, a student myself, can relate. This cycle is not restricted to age- the young, the old- all go through it. And it is heartbreaking!! :(
@Heather225
Hi H! 😊 ❤️
Thank you for creating this forum post! This is sooooo incredibly well written. This highly resonates with me and is truly a great read! I feel that any one of us could benefit and so very much so from reading this. I read it twice as it really does kind of "hit me right where I live".
I was thinking of this very concept, just last week when replying to another forum post. If this great forum post resonates with others, feel free to drop by this one also...
https://www.7cups.com/forum/generalsupport/General_2440/Viciouscycleofdesires_337067/?post=3686782
... as it would translate quite easily and the OP would most likely enjoy your input and hearing the thoughts of others!
H, thanks again for this fantastic forum post! It sure does feel nice to come across like minded people.❤️
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
Your long post to Siri about the "Vicious cycle of desires" is awesome!
So much wisdom there!
And practical guidance for living a good life
Including this issue of comparison with others
I also liked the idea of aiming for goals while at the same time savoring what we already have. We have to find a balance, fine-tune a healthy point between both
Thank you for your many contributions on how to live a good life! (I still have to fully implement that one on decluttering we talked long ago...)
All the super best in your life!
@SparkyGizmo
@HealingTalk
❤️❤️❤️
@Heather225 amazing post! Comparison is a thief, and the cycle can really make us stuck in other anxiety loops. The greatest comparison we should be making is to ourselves.
@SoulfullyAButterfly I like that comparison is a thief! Smart way of saying it :)
That is very well said, @SoulfullyAButterfly !
@SoulfullyAButterfly
A GREAT POINT!! I like ur thinking..😄
I needed that because that is a battle I've had with myself and just being here makes me feel more stable.
Great post H! I like the Oscar Wilde quote, "be yourself b/c everyone else is taken." I think we do a really nice job in our community on managing comparisons and competition. One reason why is because I think we see ourselves as a collective. We all have different roles and act in unique and different ways that are particular to who we are as individuals. One ancient way of saying this is to see the whole as one body - some are feet, some are hands etc.
The other thing this brings up for me is the zero-sum lie/fallacy. That there is only so much of X to go around. If it is accomplishments, then I might be envious of your accomplishments if I mistakenly believe there is only one pizza of accomplishments. If you eat 2 slices then there are only 6 left for the rest of us! But really it is endless pizza. There is no limit to accomplishments and you accomplishing something doesn't take away from me accomplishing something. This goes for smarts, looks, luck etc. All bountiful and endless!
I love this community for many reasons. One relevant reason that stands out here is that we are really good at *seeing* one another. We see our strengths, gifts, talents and we champion them in one another. That, to me, might be the best way to overcome comparisons. Thank you all for being vigilant on this front and for seeing the unique qualities and gifts that we all bring to the table 🙏
@GlenM
Great post! You reminded me of another quote that is commonly attributed to Ernest Hemingway. It says, "There is nothing noble in being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self." I try to remind myself of this quote whenever I feel tempted to compare myself to someone else.
Somewhere I struggle with making comparisons is romantic relationships. I'm in my late twenties and have only ever had one short-term relationship when I was 26, so it can be difficult for me to watch others move in with their partners, get engaged, or get married when I've never come close to experiencing one of these milestones.
I've definitely noticed a "zero-sum" mentality to how a lot of people approach dating these days. As a straight woman, I've noticed that many ladies act like they need to find a partner who looks good to others rather than finding someone who matches them well. While it's generally a good thing that many women are raising their standards and urging men to behave better, I feel that this trend has promoted a scarcity mindset (both for partnered women who brag about their luck in finding a good boyfriend or husband, and for single women who complain about there being no good men left).
I don't know what the solution is to stopping the zero-sum/scarcity mindset of modern dating, but I appreciate your post and the opportunity to reflect!
What an astute point about finding a partner for others rather than oneself. I hadn’t thought of that before. Seems like that could be a not so great decision with real negative consequences. I think it is worth thinking about this more. Have you written anything else on this or seen it written up somewhere?
Thanks Glen! I came to this conclusion through a mix of my real life experiences and some social media observations. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I was living with a roommate who made multiple comments about how I needed to date "better" men. At the time, it really hurt and made me very self-conscious about finding a new date or new partner who would appear better than my ex. After dating some guys who appeared better with regards to their jobs, educational backgrounds, and outward maturity, I realized that none of them shared a deeper understanding with me the way my ex did (despite his flaws, we were truly a good match for each other at one point). Since then, I've resolved that I'll only start another relationship if I meet someone who matches me well versus someone who just appears outwardly desirable to others.
I'm also thinking of a gal I used to follow on a social media app that I no longer use. A few months after going through a bad breakup, she started dating a new guy. This new boyfriend was more conventionally attractive than the ex-boyfriend, and he seemed take good care of her based on the stories she shared. In her comments, a lot of people called the new boyfriend an "upgrade," which I found kind of unsettling. Eventually, the creator shared that she wasn't sure if she loved her boyfriend yet despite him doing all the right things. While I don't want to assume too much about their relationship, I wonder if it's a similar situation where the boyfriend seems good on paper but doesn't match the girlfriend on a deeper level.
@GlenM
Hi Glen..😇[I have to ask, i can't help myself...You are the person in the listeners' oath😅..i saw you there...]
You a make a good point. I like that Oscar Wilde quote too!!
@wIthpeACE great username! I wish we can all be with peace here :). Yes, that is me. Thank you for being a listener on Cups!
@GlenM
Thanks Glen!! I am happy doing my job as a listener too.. Many people helped be here today [and TBH are still helping me] so i wanna be that support in other people's life too. Both members and listeners have been a part of my life...I am thankful to all my friends. :)
@wIthpeACE you captured 7 Cups perfectly. That is how it works. We all help each other out :). I'm also thankful for all the people here that have helped me.
Yes, I agree there is a feeling of abundance in Cups, there is plenty of recognition and appreciation for everyone, no zero-sum here.
We strive to see and honor the best in each other.
That's one of the reasons why being in Cups is so rewarding and pleasant. We all can be ourselves and have a valued, recognized place in this Community.
The new initiative of welcoming newcomers by messaging them one by one personally is a great example of how each and every member of this Community is appreciated, and will start having this feeling from the very beginning of their 7 Cups journey.
@GlenM
@HealingTalk so well said, " We all can be ourselves and have a valued, recognized place in this Community" the freedom - and peace - to be ourselves, which is a nice win, and then to be recognized is like a double win!
Thank you, Glen!
I am not a psychologist, but there seems to be a big need for recognition in all people.
The outer world is so stingy with recognition. As you say, the zero-sum rule prevails.
But in Cups, there is abundant social recognition and appreciation for everyone, no matter their situation or condition. I once praised the "role"/leadership system because of this effect. No matter if you are severely depressed, self-harm, or have PTSD, you can become a Leader, reaching even the highest positions. This road is open to all, and this openness is healing in itself, I think, even for those who decide not to take it.
I can attest that for some people suffering from painful conditions, or feel stigmatized, isolated, or even despised in 3D life, being a Leader in a role is a huge source of self-esteem and social validation, which helps so much to get better. A validation they don't get anywhere else.
We are all in the same boat as a Community and we appreciate each other as persons with full dignity, deserving of love and appreciation.
This is an important part of the healing power of Cups, I think. That is my experience dealing with people with different emotional conditions, some severe. The respect, dignity, and social standing they get in this Community make a huge lot of difference in their wellbeing and their healing path.
The comparisons we make are "How do you feel today?" compared to yesterday.
Though like in any organization there is a functional hierarchy (and the role system, with all those benefits, is part of it), as members of this Community we are all equals in recognition, appreciation and dignity.
@GlenM