Distortion No 9. Should statements
Hi everyone! I hope you are doing well. Today we will be talking about ‘Should’ statements in our cognitive distortions series. As the name suggests, it revolves around ‘should’ beliefs, its imposing rigid/fixed rules on self, others, the world. The world should be this way, I should be this, others should be X etc. You can usually identify these thoughts as they often carry the words ‘should, ought to and must’
The 4 types of should statements as mentioned here.
- Self-directed ‘shoulds’: self-imposed standards that, lead to anxiety, guilt, and shame.
- Other-directed ‘shoulds’: expectations of others which, lead to anger and conflict.
- World-directed ‘shoulds’: expectations around how the world should work, which can lead to frustration and entitlement.
- Hidden ‘shoulds’: implicit standards revealed in our reactions (e.g., getting frustrated with oneself after making a mistake).
Let's look at what this can look like for a person:
- I must change my appearance to look good (This can include losing/gaining weight or getting cosmetic procedures done)
- He should have spent more time with me. (Often we think of these shoulds after a relationship falls through)
- I should be happier in life
- This lecture should be more research-based
As always, it's only an issue if it's starting to impact the quality of your life. Sometimes we have to think hard even to notice that it is. In moderation, should statements are not always bad, It is good to think about how we can improve but it becomes an issue when we use these shoulds as a way to avoid responsibility, you say you failed a class because the class should have been easier but does that change your grade? Or you may be waiting to achieve a very unique physique and discounting all that you currently are.
For this distortion, we will be doing the following!
Notice when a should statement pops up, likely, reading this post has already brought to your attention your more prominent should thoughts. Ask yourself the following questions:
- If you took out the ‘should/must/ought to’ how will you see this situation?
- Where did this should statement start? (Where did this belief originate, this helps us figure out if these are even our own)
Once you have explored the statement and have a better understanding of it. The second step is to soften the words a bit. You can want things without imposing such fixed/rigid beliefs. Lastly, it helps to reflect on this from a more compassionate outsider perspective by assuming this is your friend who is dealing with this.
- Change the terms of should/must/ to lighter terms like ‘prefer/wish’
- What would you say to a friend who is imposing such fixed/rigid rules/behaviors on themself?
Let's see what it can look like when you do this exercise:
Please take a moment to complete the exercise and share your thoughts with us!
@Hope
Ohh this exercise was another GREAT one for me, again, it helps so much to relieve all the stress and weight I put onto my own shoulders.
- If you took out the ‘should/must/ought to’ how will you see this situation?
With compassionate eyes
- Where did this should statement start? (Where did this belief originate, this helps us figure out if these are even our own)
Maybe they originate because I think “I know better” or my way of thinking or being is “the only one that counts”
- Change the terms of should/must/ to lighter terms like ‘prefer/wish’
How about I accept things they way they are… instead of asking for “First class” when I book something “VIP” I just accept that their idea of first class is completely different to mine and that even though is not to “my standard” it is theirs and I accept it
- What would you say to a friend who is imposing such fixed/rigid rules/behaviors on themself?
To be compassionate, to be their best friend and take it a bit easier… To accept the way they are and then kindly make some “adjustments” if they feel they “have to” but in a kind way, not imposing of being rigid or fixed
@Hope
If you took out the 'should/must/ought to' how will you see this situation?
I will understand that everyone's path is different, and I can focus on the things I am doing in my life to make progress and achieve the goals that would help me feel like I am where I should be at in my life.
Where did this should statement start? (Where did this belief originate, this helps us figure out if these are even our own)
From a situation where I was not self-aware and understanding important things about me and my health. Also, from not having the confidence and self-esteem to stand up and speak up for myself, my needs, my desire and not wanting to get other people in trouble for their mistreatment of me.
Change the terms of should/must/to lighter terms like 'prefer/wish'
I choose to focus on the things I have done in my life especially when going through that situation and the effects of that situation. Especially considering all the positive things I have done and am actively doing in my life to overcome and get there. I may not be where I wish I was but I have a lot to be grateful and proud of where I am and my progress on my life journey.
What will you say to a friend?
You did the best you could given the situation, and all thought you feel like you should have reacted differently, you were not in a place and capable of it being different. By having gone through the situation you did it gave you the ability to have a story that you can use to make positive impacts to people going through similar things. You could have given up and it would have been understandable, but you have not.
