Distortion 7. Comparison
Hi everyone! I hope you have been well. Another week, another post on cognitive distortion. I hope you have gotten the chance to read the previous posts. If not, you can do so here!
I was thinking of what distortion to tackle next and then I came across one that I believe most human beings can benefit from. It is ‘Comparison’. So it should be noted that not all comparison is bad, nor can we classify them every time we compare something as bad. It is at some level required for us to make sense of things. For example, we compare the prices of different products before making a selection, we weigh out the pros and cons of selecting a certain school for a specific degree, all that is perfectly fine. It is even okay to compare our life situations with someone else to feel inspired! Your friend who failed half the classes last year is scoring As this year, how inspiring! Nothing wrong with feeling more motivated to do better on your grades.
However, where it becomes an issue is when we fixate on other’s accomplishments and don’t give ourselves enough credit. So if you feel bad because your friend is improving more in grades than you are then its an issue. Or we pick out the setbacks of someone to feel better about our lack of effort. In both cases, comparing our situation with someone else when we don’t have all the facts or we have vastly different circumstances.
Examples of ways in which comparison is not helpful with a potential reality in the brackets to help you reflect on what we miss when we make these comparisons.
- My friend is so much happier than me. She can buy anything she likes. (Her parents are rich but the family never spends any real time together. She wishes she could have a family like yours)
- Stacey looks so much better than me. She just naturally likes healthy foods. I wish I was like that (Stacey struggles with an eating disorder and is not comfortable making that public)
- My neighbor bought a brand-new car, mine breaks down every other week. This just sucks (The neighbor is a retired 60-year-old person, and you are 30, and it is natural to not be able to afford the same)
Comparison as a cognitive distortion is a tad bit tricky. It's a problem when it becomes recurrent and it starts to bother you. If you are consistently finding yourself living your life just trying to catch up to everyone else without real consideration for what you truly want, then you need to address it. Some reasons why we compare:
- We want to fit in. We think we won’t be accepted if we won’t look a certain way, have certain things. This could be true for certain groups of people. But that just means they are not a good fit for you. If you need to maintain a lifestyle beyond your means to fit in with a group of people, they are not your people!
- We feel insecure, we lack self-esteem so we look around ourselves hoping to feel better if we can have a better house or more popular friends then perhaps we are worthy? In reality, no materialistic thing or a social group can help you feel more secure/increase your self-esteem. That's a job for yourself.
- Society insists we follow certain standards. Perhaps your mom comments on your weight which makes you want to look a certain way. Maybe your rich friends are more respected than you are and you crave that respect but society is not a reliable friend. The standards can change and the same things it pushed for can again become undesirable.
So well what do we do about our need to have things simply because someone has them or be like someone else because they seem happier? We can work on our self esteem and sense of worth. Here are a few ways we can work on it:
- Starting and ending your day on a grateful note. Start your day thinking of what you have, not what you don’t and end it on the same note.
- Consistently incorporate some way you can feel fulfilled or useful. Volunteering is typically a good way to go about it. You can volunteer at your local animal shelter, some local charity or even 7 Cups! But you need to do something you truly care for.
- Make an attempt to reflect on what you are missing when you are idolizing a certain someone or something. Is it really something you want or does that help you feel a certain way you desire to feel? Do you want that better car because its reliable or because you like the way people treat your neighbor when he drives it.
- Realize that if you did not have what you have now, there is a good chance you would be jealous of yourself.
So for this post we are gonna practice reframing a bit differently. Here is how we will tackle our need to compare. I encourage you to do this for a week!
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head.
2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
- If not then what are you really desiring?
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted.
Further Resources:
@Hope
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head.
Three things I am grateful are:
- The body I have.
- The education I have.
- The things that are provided to me.( Books )
2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts.
- Listening to a member.
-smiling
- Offering stationary when one doesn't have.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment? No
- If not then what are you really desiring? I am desiring self love and self-acceptance.
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted.
Good things about me:
- I am kind to others.
- I am epathetic.
- I am smart.
- I can write.
- I am beautiful.
@Hope
Thanks for this insightful post on comparison. I really appreciate how you pointed out that not all comparisons are bad and sometimes they can even inspire us or help us make better choices. But you're right, when we start obsessing over what others have or achieve, it can really drag us down.
Also. the examples you have provided really resonate and I appreciate the tips for reframing our thoughts. Starting and ending the day with gratitude sounds like a simple but effective way to shift focus. Reflecting on our own strengths is also a great reminder to celebrate ourselves.
I’m excited to try these exercises for a week and see how they impact my mindset. Thanks for sharing!
@Phoenixthepoised
Thank you for sharing. How did the tasks go? Remember to complete all the tasks
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head.
2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
- If not then what are you really desiring?
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted.
@Hope
Thank you for this post! It is good to reflect on who and what we compare ourselves to. You're so right about gratitude, as implementing it helps us see all the wonderful things happening in our lives.
@CordialDancer
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Reminder to complete all parts of the tasks if you are working towards a certificate
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head.
2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
- If not then what are you really desiring?
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted.
@Hope
Thank you, Hope! Here is my completed post:
1. Three things I am grateful for are my son, my family, and my friends. This is the same in the morning as well as in the evening.
2. Recently I have been helping out a lady, who is essentially an adopted grandmother to me. A few days ago, I went to the store and got her the milk and the soda that she requested. I am grateful that I can use my healthy legs to do that for her!
3. I had a moment, recently, of wishing to be a closer friend to someone. I then reminded myself that our friendship takes the two of us. I can not push for someone else to be close friends. It was a good reminder of all the good friendships I do have!
4. Some good qualities I have are: I care about others, I love deeply, I am there when needed, and I have a decent brain, haha. Thinking about it, I can tell that the people in my life appreciate my qualities and skills. If I woke up one day without these things, I would feel sad. It would not be me. I am grateful for these qualities and will work to further share them with others!
@Hope I am so thankful for this series! <3 All your above examples of comparison just come to show that not everything is what it seems. I do already keep a gratitude journal. :) Also, each day I aim to be of service to others in some way, shape, or form. I will continue doing what I do.
@YourCaringConfidant
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Reminder to complete all parts of the tasks if you are working towards a certificate
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head.
2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
- If not then what are you really desiring?
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted.
@Hope Thank you. I didn't know I had to actually write it here since I write in my actual gratitude journal. I will write it here now though. :)
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head.
Today I am grateful for my mobility, the Walmart customer service agent resolving my problem with an order, and most importantly my family.
2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts.
I volunteer writing letters to those who need it, am pretty active in being supportive through the forums here, and I fed and tended to the cats. Lol, they are not "someone else" but they deserve being cared for and loved.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
- If not then what are you really desiring?
This is not applicable to me. I am not jealous or envious of others or what they have.
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted.
I, Desiree, am mentally strong when it comes to certain things. Of all the things that have happened, I never turned to alcohol or drugs to mask my pains. I have prided myself on this. I am also mentally strong in the sense that I do not fall into peer pressure and am ok with saying "no" to someone. I am honest, blunt, and headstrong. I can be kind, loving, empathetic, compassionate, etc to people. I am accepting of others' differences and love helping people. I am passionate with the things I love and I am creative. I am a quick learner, a fast reader, and "smart". I believe I have a big heart towards others and am generous.
I realize sometimes in life we take things for granted. If am grateful for all the things I am and the things I am good at. If I lost the ability of self expression, I would genuinely be heartbroken. My words and my love for creativity are a big part of me.
@ Hope
Thank you for a great post. It is indeed very difficult at times not to fall into the trap of comparing; It may be yourself to others, which is the easiest kind of thing to do since everyone showcases their best moments on social media and often such unrealistic models are presented that it is hard to ever win in this comparison game. For me, however, the hardest thing is comparing myself to myself. A month ago I went on a trip to a country where I last trevelled 17 years ago. It brought about a lot of reflection, me then and me now, how I thought my life would go and the actual direction it took. The guy who was then my boyfriend became my husband, and then, many years later, ex husband. I am not unhappy with my life now, but comparing it to the vision i had made it all a little sad.
I truly believe in the power of sincere gratitude. A lot of things to be grateful for. Gratitude is a skill that can be practised and learnt. Like any skill, it takes time to perfect
(left to practise and perfect)
@Healtogether702
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Reminder to complete all parts of the tasks if you are working towards a certificate
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head.
2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
- If not then what are you really desiring?
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted.
@Hope oh, sorry, missed this part
1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same.
today I am grateful for
-it being Friday, a shorter day at work, going home and being able to snuggle with a book, make a hot drink and not worry about the early day tomorrow
- for my partner checking on me, being supportive to the best of his abilities
- a long lunch break when we can go to our favourite coffeeshop, have a cup of coffee, chat and even take a nap on the second "chill out" floor.
2. Every day do something for someone else.
Today I helped a colleague with some ideas, shared my cake with another.
3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:
- Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
- I realise with age that it is becoming harder for me to choose presents for people because we arw at the stage in life when, if we want/need something, we just go buy it. There are fewer thinga that are on the wishlist, most of them not being tangible. This is a good thing, I don't need more stuff, I need to be happy with the stuff I have. And the experiences are something that I can create for myself.
- If not then what are you really desiring?
- I would really like to be able to see my daughter more, have a passion that fuels me
4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and wbat wpuld happen if one day ypu had to do without these abilities
I am fluent speaker of two languages, fairly comfortable in four.
I am quite good at home improvement and creating a personalised space where I feel comfortable and productive.
I am good at drawing and arty stuff
I can cook well
I am a decent planner, I love and am good at organising trips and travels.
I have a good eye for beauty and people say I am a great photographer, though it is not something I do for a living.
if i was to lose any of these abilities, I would be out of a job (languages), I would be pretty miserable because I don't like being in places that are not cozy, or functional. Homes that people don't care about maintaining are a torture for me to visit, I have to restrain myself to not start organising, cleaning and beautifying things.