The River
We are going down the river of life in our kayak. At the start, it may feel unnatural or a little clumsy. Maybe we lose our paddle or get stuck on rocks, but with more experience we gradually learn to read the water.
With a little more experience we can begin to feel the current pulling us. Sometimes we might not want to follow the current. Instead, we might have our eye on a beautiful spot across the water on the side of a river bank. Many of us will work really hard to cross the river to get to that spot. It will require a lot of extra paddling because we are going against the current.
One sad, but instructive experience happens when you finally make it to that hoped for spot and realize it is not as good as you had imagined. You were sure it was going to be beautiful, but somehow it fell short of that beauty. This is frustrating because it took so much energy to get there.
Some of us are stubborn, slow to learn, or both, and we have to make this same mistake many, many, many times.
Eventually, however, we too learn how to read the water and follow the current. Sometimes the current leads us right past the spots we wanted to go and then surprises us around the bend with a far better spot. These are great situations. Oddly, even though we shouldn't, we often give ourselves credit for finding the new spot, when most of the credit should go to the current. Still, these are great times and should be deeply enjoyed because they do not happen all the time.
Other times the current can lead us down more treacherous waters with rocks, eddies, and sticks that can be tough to navigate. Sometimes we lose a paddle, flip the kayak and get wet. In particularly tough times, we may even get injured. We don’t usually take “credit” for our role in these situations and instead happily blame the current.
Why do these more challenging times happen?
I believe they happen so that we can learn. Nobody wants to feel the anxiety, difficulties, and sometimes pain that happens during these times, but these are indeed the times that teach us the most skill. We don’t learn to become master kayakers when the river is smooth. We learn how to be master kayakers on the rapids. Adversity challenges us to overcome.
So, what is the right approach?
The approach is one that goes against our natural impulses. It can sometimes feel like it goes against everything that is within us, especially when it is painful and not what we had hoped for. The stoics were master kayakers and they have a statement, “the problem is the path.” They encourage us to steer into the challenges and to trust the current. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages us to see the challenge as an opportunity to learn to solve a problem that we’ve been ignoring. These are wise words.
Abraham Maslow, another master kayaker, tells us to go further. He instructs us to see the challenges as a gift, to embrace them like we would a friend, to listen deeply and carefully to what they are telling us, to listen to their whispers. He encourages us to see the challenges as ends in and of themselves; and warns us not to look past them as a means to an end. He wants us to see and appreciate them for what they are – independent, difficult, and beautiful experiences.
The river of life brings us smooth, deep, and troubled waters. Thankfully we do not paddle alone. We find other kayakers on the water that also teach us lessons. Most of the lessons come down to following the current rather than insisting on our own plans. This key lesson is a lifetime lesson.
Reflection question: We have all gone through challenging times, or rough rapids, and overcome them in the past. What would you tell a friend going through difficult waters now?
I’m thankful that I have found all of you on the river. Thank you for paddling alongside me 🙏✨❤️.
@GlenM
Thank You for sharing. I love this. Especially because I am a kayaker with mental health challenges, Often I have thought of life in this way that might help a friend in rough water:
Frequently we have to cross a river to get to where we want to be. Most times it is straight forward. If the current is strong we have to approach the other shore at an angle, against the current. The current may get too strong. It seems like we are fighting the current so much we aren't getting anywhere we want to go. That is the time to stay calm and 'Go With The Flow'. Relax and let the current carry you. Just float. Survive. Where it carries you doesn't matter, just get to the other side.
From there you can walk to your goal.
@GlenM
Thank you for sharing this. I am going through a hard time right now, so I can definitely relate to this post. Thank you for sharing. This was beautiful and very real. Acknowledges that life has its challenges.
There is a mug that my friend got me that says life is tough but so are you. It has a sailboat on it. It has been really getting me through this hard time right now even when I do not know where the current will take me.
@SparklyFly
Aww thank you so much. This is so sweet. You made my day.
@Heavenlyhorizons thank you for those kind words. I appreciate you underlining it feeling real. That is one thing I love about our community. Filled with authenticity!
And I appreciate the emphasis on being "tough". I think we need more of that to get through challenges. Like Rocky said, "you've got to be able to take a punch" and we have to keep getting back up!
@GlenM “So it is that we can seldom help anybody. Either we don't know what part to give or maybe we don't like to give any part of ourselves. Then, more often than not, the part that is needed is not wanted. And even more often, we do not have the part that is needed.”
― A River Runs Through It
@Screenname333 been a long time since I've seen that one!
@GlenM Glen I am impressed that you cared enough to chat a little with me for free.
@GlenM
Hi. Regarding the "Reflection question":
- We have all gone through challenging times, or rough rapids, and overcome them in the past. What would you tell a friend going through difficult waters now?
My answer:
- As a Listener, I would not tell them how to think or how to feel. I would avoid "toxic positivity" phrases too.
- I would avoid projecting my point-of-view and values on their situation.
- I would avoid trying to oversimplify their situation and oversimplify what they should do.
- I would not tell them what to do or think.
- Instead I would listen for their very specific concerns.
- Then I would ask them questions that might help them better understand how to deal with their situation from their perspective, values, past experiences, and abilities.
If you name a very specific "difficult waters" situation and explain more about the person, then I can explain in detail what I might say to help-them-help-themselves.
@GlenM
"Turn poison into medicine" is a Buddhist attitude similar to the Stoic one (both life philosophies share much in common).
I would tell my friend she is doing great staying afloat, to always laser-focus on the current challenge and the critical task at hand to overcome it.
To learn and follow the "rules of the river". Because she can get knowledgeable and skillful at those, but she can't change them.
That she will get stronger at paddling and better at finding the way between the menacing rocks.
And to celebrate the thrill of overcoming obstacles and moving forward, because "the journey is the destination."
@GlenM
Thank you for such an enlightening post. It is a nice acknowledgement that there will be difficult times but also many amazing times during life too, and by accepting both of them, we learn so much more about life. It is not possible to resist the negative aspects of life and still feel the positive moments, we have to let both in and learn along the way.
I would tell a friend going through difficult times that I hear and see them. I'll sit beside them through their tough times, and we will work it out together, even if it means that I just listen. Often we do not want to be told what to do, but we just want to know that we are not alone so I would do my best to send this message.
@LisaMeighanMScGMBPsS
I really admire how your answer follows the Listener Guidelines!
I will remember your suggestion.
I think perhaps it is the best so far.
People don't want to be told what to do usually. And even if they do in a situation, it can disempower them by effectively encouraging them to not take on their responsibilities and or use their abilities.
Telling them "You hear them and will be there in their tough times and help them work it out by listening" is the best answer I believe.
Thank you!
@GlenM, thank you for the wonderful words and for this wonderful community, which has provided me with so much support and friendship in my toughest times yet. I would encourage others to keep reaching out, especially here. Thank you again ❤️
@GlenM When my friends are struggling, I first empathise and validate their feelings, It's ok to be struggling, life IS hard! I also try to give them hope it can get better, I have been there too and I am better now, and they can get there too. It's normal to have up and down, and when we are struggling its because we get somewhere we never been before. EVERYTHING is first very hard, before to become easy. Life is learning. Its also ok, to take a small break, to take care of ourselves, before to ride the wave. or being accompanied in this. Life is learning, and sometimes we need some coaching or a mentor when something is new and challenging. But we can do it.
Here on 7cups, we have the opportunity to find people who passed through diverses challenges on this river and passed through it, and can guide us in it, we can find people to support us while trying, and showing us its possible to overcome every obstacle. We have a lot of encouragements, and its something I would definitely continue to give to my friends too!
Life is a progression and yes there will always have new challenges but by overcome more of them we will gain self confidence and we all can get there where we want to go. Perseverance <3
@TortueDesBois thank you for sharing Tortue! I love the simple truth that life IS hard! Just knowing that goes so far and helps us know that there isn't something wrong with us for struggling. That is indeed a core part of life. And I appreciate the emphasis on learning - all things are hard at first and then become easier with time ❤️
Heya,
I absolutely love this post. Thank you so much for taking your time to write this! Its amazing!
Well I have been on a slippery slope lately, i live in an abusive home and im 13 years old. Just trying to live life the way it is. Things have been a mess lately. Bullying is even harder. Seems like the whole world is pushing me into bits. I dont know why I get judged alot. Im just tryna be human. Everyone treatas me like a monster. So things have been rough. I dont know how to describe my situation.
Anyways...
Here is a quote for anyone who passes by:
"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
Bunny
@amiableBunny4016 way to keep your head above water in what seems like a very difficult situation. And thank you for sharing that quote Bunny. I've not heard of it before. It reminds me of the idea that we often repress or minimize our weaknesses and things we are ashamed of, but just as often repress our strengths and things we should be really proud of. Thank you for sharing this context with us!
@GlenM,
Aa.. Glen. thanks for your nice reply! hehe. Hope your doing okay by the way.
Bunny
@GlenM
Buddy hi. My name is maria. And we are in one boat. I know its hard now as the river is not so smooth. But listen some time later we turn to another part of the river.... It will be calm.
We just need to work a little bit now....
Trust me :)