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3 Key Things!

by GlenM

2 days ago

The River

by GlenM

December 9th

...See more We are going down the river of life in our kayak. At the start, it may feel unnatural or a little clumsy. Maybe we lose our paddle or get stuck on rocks, but with more experience we gradually learn to read the water. With a little more experience we can begin to feel the current pulling us. Sometimes we might not want to follow the current. Instead, we might have our eye on a beautiful spot across the water on the side of a river bank. Many of us will work really hard to cross the river to get to that spot. It will require a lot of extra paddling because we are going against the current. One sad, but instructive experience happens when you finally make it to that hoped for spot and realize it is not as good as you had imagined. You were sure it was going to be beautiful, but somehow it fell short of that beauty. This is frustrating because it took so much energy to get there. Some of us are stubborn, slow to learn, or both, and we have to make this same mistake many, many, many times. Eventually, however, we too learn how to read the water and follow the current. Sometimes the current leads us right past the spots we wanted to go and then surprises us around the bend with a far better spot. These are great situations. Oddly, even though we shouldn't, we often give ourselves credit for finding the new spot, when most of the credit should go to the current. Still, these are great times and should be deeply enjoyed because they do not happen all the time. Other times the current can lead us down more treacherous waters with rocks, eddies, and sticks that can be tough to navigate. Sometimes we lose a paddle, flip the kayak and get wet. In particularly tough times, we may even get injured. We don’t usually take “credit” for our role in these situations and instead happily blame the current. Why do these more challenging times happen? I believe they happen so that we can learn. Nobody wants to feel the anxiety, difficulties, and sometimes pain that happens during these times, but these are indeed the times that teach us the most skill. We don’t learn to become master kayakers when the river is smooth. We learn how to be master kayakers on the rapids. Adversity challenges us to overcome. So, what is the right approach? The approach is one that goes against our natural impulses. It can sometimes feel like it goes against everything that is within us, especially when it is painful and not what we had hoped for. The stoics were master kayakers and they have a statement, “the problem is the path.” They encourage us to steer into the challenges and to trust the current. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy [https://www.7cups.com/act-therapy-techniques/] (ACT) encourages us to see the challenge as an opportunity to learn to solve a problem that we’ve been ignoring. These are wise words. Abraham Maslow, another master kayaker, tells us to go further. He instructs us to see the challenges as a gift, to embrace them like we would a friend, to listen deeply and carefully to what they are telling us, to listen to their whispers. He encourages us to see the challenges as ends in and of themselves; and warns us not to look past them as a means to an end. He wants us to see and appreciate them for what they are – independent, difficult, and beautiful experiences. The river of life brings us smooth, deep, and troubled waters. Thankfully we do not paddle alone. We find other kayakers on the water that also teach us lessons. Most of the lessons come down to following the current rather than insisting on our own plans. This key lesson is a lifetime lesson. Reflection question: We have all gone through challenging times, or rough rapids, and overcome them in the past. What would you tell a friend going through difficult waters now? I’m thankful that I have found all of you on the river. Thank you for paddling alongside me 🙏✨❤️.

How to Worry Less and Not Panic : /

by GlenM

December 7th

...See more I wrote this post [https://www.7cups.com/forum/SiteUpdates_100/GlensNookCommunity_547/TheRiver_296728/] on how I see life like a river where each of us is on a kayak and we need to learn how to navigate difficult waters to learn key lessons. Obs said Glen this is great, but what we need is a post on how not to panic when you are starting to go through the rapids! So, as promised, here is a sort of Part 2 to the river post [https://www.7cups.com/forum/SiteUpdates_100/GlensNookCommunity_547/TheRiver_296728/]. Let’s zoom back and look at panic as an extreme form of anxiety. All of us are wired for anxiety because we have ancestors that interpreted the rustle in the bushes as a predator and NOT just wind. The ones that interpreted the leaves moving as wind mostly died off. The ones that ran like crazy survived and we can all trace our lineage back to those more cautious, and anxious (!), people. We don’t see predator animals these days except behind a fence at the zoo. However, we are still wired the same way. Now, our anxiety response gets triggered with fears around not passing tests, not being liked by friends, difficult relationships, or problems at work. Anxiety surfaces when we think we are too small for the challenge or that the challenge is too big. Panic happens when we think we are way too small or the challenge is way too big. If you are a worrier, then you know how anxious thinking can snowball. Not passing a test snowballs into thinking that we’ll never graduate. A little tiff or disagreement with a friend can snowball into thinking the person is going to leave you forever. Another word for this is catastrophizing. Or sometimes it is called making a mountain of a molehill [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Make_a_mountain_out_of_a_molehill#:~:text=Making%20a%20mountain%20out%20of,existence%20in%20the%2016th%20century.]. We talk much more about how to manage anxiety here [https://www.7cups.com/anxiety-help/] and specifically what to do with panic attacks here [https://www.7cups.com/panic-attacks-help-online/]. I’ll share four things that help me not to panic. The first is to ask myself “What are the odds? On a scale of 1-100%, how likely is this to happen?” Once I get that number I can then ask, “Okay, if I had $1000 in my pocket now, would I bet that $1000 that this would happen?” If the answer is no, then it is likely that I am worrying too much about it. This helps me get out of my own head to see the situation in a more realistic manner. When I start to worry about the same situation again, I can just do the same exercise to help make the fear smaller and more accurate. A second thing that I do is ask myself, “Glen, what is the worst thing that could happen?” Even if the odds are low - like let’s say less than 10% - I still want to know what is the worst thing that could happen if this very low odds situation happens? Then, I imagine what my life would look like if that happened. I let my mind marinate on that for a minute. Then, I begin to accept that outcome. I can see that even if this horrible thing happens that I’ll end up being okay or the person I love will also be okay. It will be painful and difficult, but I’ll survive and get to the other side. A third thing I say to myself is, “Glen, what is your hit rate? How often are your worries correct?” I am now 46. I unfortunately spent a good chunk of my life being something of a champion worrier - like black belt level. That means I’ve got a lot of practice on you all and have had plenty of opportunities to learn coping skills :). Back to the point - how often am I correct? The answer is that my worries are often completely incorrect - like less than 2% of the time they are accurate and that might even be lower. If I had a friend or an expert I was consulting with and they were wrong 98% of the time, then I wouldn’t worry too much about what they were warning me about. The worrying part of ourselves is not a great judge of life and doesn’t carry too much wisdom, so it is often safe to say that they might be making things sound worse than they really are. Last, as outlined in the river post [https://www.7cups.com/forum/SiteUpdates_100/GlensNookCommunity_547/TheRiver_296728/], I realize that my own take on things or what I want to happen is often limited. I have had things not work out as I imagined plenty of times and the majority of those times they work out better than what I had originally planned. Sometimes "good things" that I want to happen don't end up being good and sometimes "bad things" end up being good! I also know that life is a complicated process and that it is hard for me to fully comprehend all that is going on. What is not so great now can end up being good for someone else or even for me down the road. Things often have to evolve for me to see how the water breaks or life unfolds. Obs, I hope this helps! And I hope any of you reading this find it helpful too. What have you found that is helpful? Let’s share ideas and support one another so we worry and panic less when life brings the rapids our way. See you on the river, Glen

Just-In-Time-Training (JITT) / Noni Help

by GlenM

November 25th

...See more Just-In-Time Training (JITT): Limited and Careful AI to Empower Human Connection and Support On 7 Cups, our goal is to provide the tools and and the space for people to support each other through their suffering. We help people through active listening, group support, therapy, growth paths, mindfulness, forum posts and so much more. Over the last 10 years, we have learned so much and made so much progress toward this mission. Currently, we provide 11 interventions to help people better cope with and overcome mental health challenges. The power of scaled up support with the help of technology, on a global scale, has been clearly demonstrated by our compassionate community which continues to evolve. We want to decrease human suffering for free or at little cost. We believe in mental health for all. Anyone that needs help should be able to receive it regardless of language, location, or financial status. Active listening is the core foundation of our mental health for all vision. It is a set of principles that turns communication into honest and empathic conversation paving the way for support in our daily lives. This leads to human connection on a new level, one that supports healing and wellbeing. When we provide this support, however, it is sometimes easy to get stuck. For example, a member says something that is difficult to respond to, and you want to respond in a caring way, but you are just not sure what to say. The member also knows you care for them and want to help them. When this happens, we can freeze or maybe we say something that isn’t super helpful. It can take the conversation in a direction that is less healing. Another important thing to know about the skill of listening is that it is normally distributed [https://statisticsbyjim.com/basics/normal-distribution/]. There are some people that are excellent listeners, most people are average listeners, and then some people that struggle to be good listeners. The vast majority of listeners want to be good listeners. If a person signs up on this platform and goes through the work of training, as a volunteer, they are clearly here to be the best listener they can be. But given the distribution, having varied tools can only help. With the rise of AI over the last decade, we began to think more about the role of this technology in facilitating human connection, healing, and growth. Noni, our AI chatbot launched in 2014, was trained and informed by our community and maintained our values. By 2017, Noni was able to greet users, participate in a group discussion while uniting group members, as well as contribute with positive humor. And, more recently, Noni just went through another series of iterations. With the latest wave of AI models, we began probing a question that could update what our current support system looked like. What if the latest technology could help everyone wanting to train to be a better listener? We know that anyone who volunteers to listen and trains with us is already very dedicated. This motivation is usually followed by a long pathway of training at the 7 Cups Academy, but what support could we give these active listeners to start their journey right away? Listening is a skill that we can improve on continuously, and so learning something new every day stands as ground for ongoing practice. There is a sort of training called “Just-In-Time Training” (JITT). This is training that provides the person with the exact information they need at exactly the right moment. Contrast this with taking a course and then remembering and applying what you learned in that course 2 or 3 months later. Both types of training are needed to help people grow professionally. In the near future, new listeners that want help getting unstuck with just-in-time training, will have the option of clicking a “Noni help” button that says “suggest a response.” AI will then draft a response to the member’s message and drop it in the listener’s message composition area. The listener can then edit the response and hit send when ready. AI can help us do a better job of decreasing suffering for people that are in pain by empowering human connections based on the core principles of active listening for support. And better yet, this application of AI can be an ethical demonstration of a key debate running through everyone’s mind: Can Humans and AI work together? Collaboration helps everyone move forward together, and with the 7 Cups model in mind, we aim to set an ethical example on how to use AI to productively scale up emotional support. What Led Us To Need Just-In-Time Training? Up to this point, our focus has been on foundational training methodologies and tools, which we have developed in the Academy [http://7cups.com/academy]. We have now trained 500,000 listeners. Collectively, those listeners, and some members, have completed 932,544 courses, and we have helped millions of people. That is a remarkable amount of training! We are almost at 1 million courses completed and the best part is that all of this has been done for free. We do dozens of other things as well to increase the quality of listening on the platform. Our community leaders work very hard on this front. We have come very far, but we have a lot of work left to do. Each week I get PMs about how much a listener has helped a member or a note that people found 7 Cups and we helped them turn their life around. These are my favorite messages to get. They make me proud of the work we do. I also get messages from people that did not feel helped. They wish we would have done a better job. Mental health is a complex and complicated issue, and while we have made significant strides, I know that we have a long way to go. Every quarter we do better, but there is always room for improvement. We are now adding these just-in-time training tools as a way to better equip our listeners and to help integrate learning from courses into real-time conversational support. The Problem is the Path At 7 Cups, we believe that the problem is the path - facing challenges helps us find solutions that enable us to stay on the right path. As we conceptualized this tool, we had to ask ourselves the following questions to ensure what we are doing is as helpful as possible to different groups of people. * Should we use AI to provide just-in-time training to help listeners? * Should members be able to access listeners that are receiving just-in-time AI training support? * Should members have the option of chatting with listeners where they know that the listener cannot and is unable to use just-in-time AI supported listening? The answer to all of the above is “Yes.” People can choose to engage in AI training and support or choose not to. It is entirely up to them. Towards Better Active Listening (Humans + AI) Just-In-Time-Training will be available to all new listeners and some leaders to help with testing. When a member connects with a listener, the member will be notified that the new listener has JITT as an option in a pinned message at the top of the chat. When a new listener utilizing JITT clicks on the lightbulb icon/button, the AI creates the response through querying something called a large language model. You can think of this as a program that has ingested most of the human text on the Internet. They then convert all of those words and sentences into numbers and then use formulas to predict the right string of words that offers a strong response to the member message. We have informed the formulas with what it means to be an effective active listener, so that the suggestions are fully compliant to 7 Cups protocols as well as conduct policies. We will very likely limit the use of this tool after a certain amount of time, because we see it as a tool to help us strengthen our active listening and empathy muscles. We do not want to become overly dependent on it. We do not yet know what the optimal amount of time is for people to access it. Our initial plan is to roll it out with new listeners, learn, and then expand to more listeners if it makes sense. Also, listeners cannot copy and paste the response. We have disabled this capability and they are prompted to use it for inspiration, but to make sure they send the message in their own words, because human to human connections is key. Leaders are also helping us test JITT so we can learn more quickly. If you are a listener that has been on the platform and would also like to help us test JITT, then please sign up here [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSckaaooSQXp0gE2JZh-HAWI844NKzjP2xNaXOLNQxbcDU1hpA/viewform]. If you are a member, chatting with an older listener or leader, and you want to see if they have JITT turned on, then look at the pinned messages at the top of the chat to verify. There is lots for us to learn over the next several weeks.. I’ll keep you all posted. Community Collaboration and Benefits It is important to note that this just-in-time training when stuck feature will need tweaking. That is why we are implementing this in a very careful way. Listeners are primary [https://www.7cups.com/forum/ListenerLearningJourney_149/CommunityAdministrationCultureandGuidelines_141/ListenersasPrimary_35929/] and human to human connection is central. If a listener is stuck and clicks that “suggest a response” button, but is not happy with the message, then they are free to ignore, delete or revise it. While our admin team, and professional experts, have been working hard to train the just-in-time training to provide the best suggestions, we will be collaborating with the community and using all feedback to continue to tweak our JITT feature. We have been thinking about AI and mental health since 2014. That is when we introduced Noni. I believe that humans + AI will enable us to decrease suffering. AI will only reach its full potential when it is implemented in a way that helps humans reach their full potential. And, I believe that members and listeners should have the ability to choose to interact with AI as much as they like - a lot, or little, or not at all (just like what we do with Noni now). Both of these can be true. They are not mutually exclusive. We have always said that we use technology to facilitate human connection, healing and growth. Technology - like a website or app - is a medium much like a film or book. You can use the medium of film or text for good or bad. The same is true for technology and is true of the technology that we call AI. On 7 Cups, technology is a facilitator of human connection and is never a replacement. Listeners are and will always be primary (see this post [https://www.7cups.com/forum/ListenerLearningJourney_149/CommunityAdministrationCultureandGuidelines_141/ListenersasPrimary_35929/] from 2016). 7 Cups is a special place for a myriad of reasons. We are a community of the best people on the planet. The people with the biggest hearts that go the extra mile to help one another. Many of us are old souls. We’ve been through some ups and downs and we are real about how life unfolds. We don’t pretend to have it all figured out. We know healing is a process. The Future of Active Listening is the Best Future of AI As a reminder, AI or other advances in technology will not replace any of our systems but will help in our efficiency. As technology evolves, we continue to invent tools that make our lives better - our growth paths are an example. Now, we have hundreds of growth paths filtered with topics, but how can a listener recommend an activity, prompt or tool for a unique person as a means of support? It would be a great next step to have ways to personalize our wellness journey - and AI will do just that. It is a paintbrush that respects unique human contexts, and as we embark on this path, we will find that it helps turn our needs into a reality. Please share ideas, thoughts, reflections, and concerns below. I’ll do my best to answer them. Let’s also keep adding here or in some other dedicated section of the forum so we can figure these things out together. Thank you! To sign up to test JITT you can fill this form [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSckaaooSQXp0gE2JZh-HAWI844NKzjP2xNaXOLNQxbcDU1hpA/viewform]

Leadership Award for Excellence in Mental Health

by GlenM

November 1st

...See more Dear Community, I am writing with some great news. We recently received the USA National Leadership Award for Leadership Excellence in Digital Mental Health Implementation. The award was presented by the eMental Health International Collaborative (eMHIC) at the 9th Digital Mental Health International Congress. eMHIC honors excellence in digital mental health. I flew up to Ottawa to receive it on our behalf. It is a high honor for our community! Here is my acceptance speech. If I can find a video then I’ll share it soon. (Edit here is the video: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgL5UERnQ4U&ab_channel=7Cups]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgL5UERnQ4U&ab_channel=7Cups) - - - - - - Thank you for this significant honor! I was talking to a friend about the mental health field and how challenging it can be; like a big puzzle. I have 4 kids. I’ve put together a lot of puzzles. My favorite ones are the 4 piece wooden puzzles with big pieces. My kids graduated to 20, 100, and 1000 piece puzzles. The bigger the puzzle the bigger the box. How big would the box be that holds the mental health puzzle? Is the puzzle 10 billion pieces, 100 billion pieces? The box would likely be the size of this room or bigger. Events like this remind us that we are not alone. We are friends all working together to solve this giant puzzle. Some of you have been working on the corners. Some have been working on the challenging middle sections. Sometimes we get lucky and we accidentally solve a part of the puzzle without realizing it. That happened with us on internationalization. We were one of the first free mental health services. Millions of people have come to 7 Cups and we likely have thousands of volunteer listeners in your country. If you go to 7cups.com [http://7cups.com/] and scroll down to the number of people helped you can see how many people we’ve reached in your country. We will happily connect users from 7 Cups to your services. We are on the cloud and you are on the ground. Just reach out and let me know. This is a big puzzle we are solving. A special thank you to Anil for bringing us together and helping us realize that we are not alone and can lean on one another for help, especially when we can’t find that piece we are looking for. It is likely that someone in this room has seen it and can point us in the right direction. Thank you again! - - - - - - I wanted to take a minute and unpack what this means for all of us. We have been working on our part, the 7 Cups part, of the mental health puzzle together for 11 years now. Every single one of us has found pieces and slid them into place. Many of you have put giant sections together. I have spent months hunting for pieces only to find out that a few of you put together a 10,000 piece section in a small corner of the site. This has happened countless times. We are all excellent puzzle masters! I could not be more proud of us (sorry for another metaphor); We built a shining city on the Internet (likely the toughest place to build a city as all the bad guys are just one click away). In the beginning, it was incredibly challenging but with time, we have gained more and more mastery. Now our gardens predictably yield fruit and vegetables and the trains run on time! And we have made a lot of mistakes. We learn through failure. Innovation is another way of saying ‘I don’t know how to do it’ or ‘It hasn’t been done before’. Through following the problem is the path approach, solving one challenge after another, the path has revealed itself to us. We went from never being able to find enough listeners in the summer of 2013 to now being recognized as leaders in mental health implementation. We won this! Our community! What a great story! On 7 Cups, we do an amazing job of collaborating and not competing. We know that when one person is lifted up, we are all lifted up. This is the essence of community. When a person succeeds, we all succeed. I would love for the broader mental health field to have this same approach. The pain and suffering is too much for people to be taking potshots at one another. We have timely and important work to do and we are all needed to help build the puzzle. I’m imagining we are in a tavern in a Tolkien story. There is song and dancing. Lift up your mug with whatever you’ve got in it and share a toast in the comments below. My toast to all of you: Thank you for your trust, your love, your patience, and your dedication. You have held out lanterns in the darkness. You have healed deep wounds. You have taught me about community. I humbly thank you for walking with me on this path. Cheers! To help us celebrate, we ask you to share the word! Please share our press release link [https://www.prunderground.com/7-cups-wins-emhic-us-national-leadership-mental-health-award-for-revolutionizing-global-mental-health-support/00342105/]with family and friends via social media - this is a win for all of us!

7 Cups Culture Guide + Badge!

by GlenM

October 10th

Mr. 8 or Life Obstacle Bets (LOB)

by GlenM

July 31st

...See more Like many of you, I’ve had to overcome a lot of challenges in life. I used to get frustrated with unexpected problems. Normally, they crop up exactly when I don’t want them to. I have 7 challenges to solve and here comes Mr. 8 jumping the line and requiring that I deal with him now. I say to Mr. 8. “Please go back to your place in line and I’ll get to you next week.” He says, “Nope. I’m here now and I’m not going to let you focus on problems 1 and 2 until you solve me.” As you all know, we believe the problem is the path [https://www.7cups.com/about/culture.php]. That it is good to have a plan, but ultimately life is too complicated so a better idea is to simply solve the next biggest problem in front of you. Then, as you solve the problem, the path before you unfolds. That means that solving Mr. 8 is likely the best thing to do even if it feels like a detour from my original plan. Over the years, I’ve stubbornly kept focusing on problems 1 and 2 even when Mr. 8 was bugging me. I have a lot of personal data on this. It yields an okay outcome. I also have data on just listening and solving Mr. 8 that is jumping the line. That data yields a much better outcome. Ultimately, for me, this comes down to trusting the process of life - the river [https://www.7cups.com/forum/siteupdates/GlensNookCommunity_547/TheRiver_296728/] - rather than trusting myself or my own judgment. I can stubbornly hold to my own stance on things and try to force or control things OR I can trust that there is a reason for me to solve Mr. 8. What this means for me is I have to have a belief that solving Mr. 8 is going to better help me and those I care for (my family, this community etc.). This is what I’ve come to: Mr. 8 jumping the line has a personalized, tailored, custom lesson for me that I need to learn for optimal growth for myself and those I love. If I solve that problem (Mr. 8), then it’ll be better for me and those around me. If I stick to my own perspective, and try to control things, then it’ll be less positive for me and those around me. The concept of "the problem is the path" suggests embracing these challenges as part of the journey (adaptability). I have come to think of Mr. 8 as a Life Obstacle Bet (LOB). I’m making the bet that solving Mr. 8 will yield better results than solving problems 1 and 2. If I am right, then fantastic. I better help others and myself. I also get to tell myself I’m making optimal progress. If I am wrong, then I’m not sure it matters all that much as I’m still solving a significant challenge that is calling me to focus on it. The alternative belief is for me to be frustrated with the sometimes seemingly endless stream of Mr. 8 challenges that keep cutting the line. This results in me feeling irritated and frustrated. I feel like I’m not making the progress I want or need to make and I am in a constant place of playing catch up. What is the Life Obstacle Bets (LOB) Approach? The LOB approach reframes unexpected problems (Mr. 8) as opportunities for growth (reframing). You bet that solving Mr. 8 will yield better results than rigidly following the plan you originally had (prioritization and decision making). Even if solving Mr. 8 isn't the "optimal" solution, you're still addressing a significant issue (task management). The LOB position invites the questions, “Hey, why not just believe that this frustrating problem is actually a disguised opportunity? What if this is a tailored challenge to help me and others grow?” If I am right, then life is easier, and I feel better about my progress. If I am wrong, then it doesn’t really matter in the long-run, and I still get to believe that I am taking the optimal path. Benefits of the LOB Approach: * Reduces frustration from seemingly endless disruptions (improved decision making). * Encourages viewing challenges as disguised opportunities (positive reframing). * Fosters a sense of progress, even when tackling unexpected hurdles (improved task management). In conclusion, the "Life Obstacle Bet" (LOB) tackles the frustration of unexpected challenges by reframing them as opportunities for growth. By prioritizing the most pressing issues (urgency and importance), and adapting your plan when necessary, the LOB approach fosters a sense of progress and reduces decision fatigue. This flexible and optimistic mindset allows you to effectively manage tasks, prioritize effectively, and ultimately achieve the best outcomes for yourself and those around you. Discussion Questions: * Have you ever had a time when an unexpected problem turned out to be a positive experience? Remember, we can often only see this when we connect the dots looking backwards - like “oh that frustrating challenge was actually a key part of me now having this positive experience”. It only makes sense when we reflect. Similarly, when going through an unexpected frustrating time now, we can say “okay this will likely make more sense in the future just like those other times” now when I look back. * What's your biggest challenge with staying organized and managing your tasks? * How do you usually deal with feeling frustrated when things don't go according to plan?

How to Use the Steel Man Technique

by GlenM

April 24th

...See more A big part of life is problem solving. Problems can create relationship challenges. This is true in romantic, parenting, friendship and work relationships. We say the “problem is the path” because new problems are constant (they just keep happening!) and the path naturally unfolds as you solve them. The key skill is to try to get as good as possible at solving them. 7 Cups is one giant community wide problem solving exercise. Together, we have solved tens of thousands of problems. That is largely why 7 Cups looks the way that it does. Each feature you see is likely the result of a problem being solved. And our ability to problem solve together and more effectively accelerates year over year, which means we tend to make more progress with each new year. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to think about the best way to solve problems. Not just at work, but in other relationships as well. Here are some things that have helped me out. I share them with you today with the hope that you find them useful. Please also share any ideas that have helped you as well! * Use the Steel Man technique - this one is a little challenging. Let’s say we have a disagreement. I would imagine I’m you - like really step into your shoes or try to see the world through your eyes. Then, I would make the argument you are making towards myself. If I can, then I will even try to make it stronger. The Steel Man technique can help you gain deeper understanding during disagreements, which helps turn communication challenges into productive discussions. Steelmanning involves identifying potential shortcomings in the initial argument by evaluating the strongest points a person might be putting forward. This way, you can use trust and empathy to present their argument alongside your additional thoughts. It's about understanding, not winning! Examples: Partner 1: I think we should go out tonight. It has been a while and I’d like to check out a new coffee shop. Partner 2: I’m tired and don’t really want to go out. Partner 1 Steel man (thinking to self…Okay, my partner doesn’t want to go out tonight because they are tired. I want to go out tonight because I have energy. If I was them, and I was tired, then what would I say to myself to convince me to not go out? I’d say something like, “I understand you want to go out. And I know it has been a couple of weeks. I’m sorry I’m so wiped out. We could try to go, but I don’t think I’d be much fun. Can we plan for next weekend and I’ll do a better job this week to make sure I have energy to go out next week?” We can even let the other person know we are steel manning their argument and repeat it out loud to them. This usually helps them feel less defensive and like you are working hard to try to figure it out. * Understanding that being right or winning an argument isn’t ultimately all that great of a reward. Being right can feel good for a little while. However, if you are paying attention, then you quickly realize that it isn’t too terribly long until you are wrong. Maybe the other person wins the next argument. Or maybe you just see that you had the wrong assumptions in another area of life. You can also think of how you feel when the other person is right and you are wrong. Usually that isn’t a great feeling. If we give up on being right, then we can get to the place where we can see what is correct on both sides of the argument. A lot of the time reality is complex and looking at it from different angles helps. If we have to be right, then we limit our visibility, ability to map the problem, and ultimately solve it. * Let the data show the way. Sometimes you can get in a stuck place in an argument where you feel very strong and the other person feels equally strong. In this situation, you can just say, “Okay if you are right, then we can expect X to happen. If I am right, then we can expect Y to happen. Let’s just treat each other with respect and see how it unfolds.” Big picture - life is just incredibly complicated and we’ve got limited brains. We can only see so much. The other person arguing with us is often trying to help us see another angle or another perspective that we are missing. The need to be “right” can blind us from seeing things in a clear manner. If we give up on this need (b/c it isn’t that great of a reward), take the other person’s perspective (steel man), or let the data show the way, then we can increase our own visibility and make more progress in life. Of the three points, which technique are you most likely to use? and why? Or, alternatively, do you have another technique you use that you can share with us?

The Gift of Giving

by GlenM

March 31st

...See more Did you know at one time - a long, long, long, time ago - that listeners could charge on 7 Cups? When we went through YC [http://ycombinator.com], we thought that was going to be how 7 Cups was going to generate revenue to help cover the bills. What happened was that .01% of people charged and 99.9% of listeners did not charge. Listeners very clearly communicated to us that 7 Cups was to be a 100% volunteer based service. People were going to give of their time out of the goodness of their hearts. They did not want to be compensated. Listeners were committed to freely giving the gift of compassion. Since that time, listeners have given gifts of compassion - imagine them as little wrapped gift boxes 🎁🎁🎁 - to millions upon millions of people all around the world. We now have 20,000 conversations on 7 Cups a day. That is a lot of gift giving! Giving a gift feels amazing. Some of you are excellent gift givers. You pay attention. You see what someone needs, and then you give them the gift and they are delighted to receive it because it fills a need they have. The old saying “giving is better than receiving” is true and anyone that has given a gift knows this to be accurate. On 7 Cups, people come and they ask for help. That is what happens when a general or personal request is made. That request is an ask - it is an indication of a need to connect, a need to be heard, a need to be understood, a need to be seen, a need to be validated, a need to feel less alone. Our listeners pick up these chats, they answer those requests, and when they do, they give a gift to our members. A gift of listening. Think about that space between a member and a listener. The request is sent out from our app on a phone on one side of the planet. The listener, on the other side of the world, sees the username and the issue and selects them. They connect - strangers that do not know one another - and they start talking. The member begins to open up and shares some of what is causing them pain. The listener paraphrases, tries to see the world through their eyes, and says this back to the member in their own words. In that space between, something remarkable happens, the listener gives the gift of compassion - out of the goodness of their own heart - and the person feels loved, understood, and cared for. That is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, and remarkable thing. Fast forward to February 2021. I finally - after years and years of trying to understand what we are doing on 7 Cups - see 7 Cups as an ecosystem [https://youtu.be/pRBZVZehiL0]. I share this idea with a friend, a medical anthropologist, and he says, “Glen, this is a system of reciprocity or what Marcel Mauss calls a gift economy [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_(essay)].” I have never heard of this before and immediately I’m excited to learn that 7 Cups can be understood through another lens that I cannot yet see through. I do all this research on Mauss, gift economies/exchanges, and consult with my friend to better understand what we are doing. Long story short, with zero planning or deliberate building, we have accidentally recreated an ancient pattern called a gift economy where social bonds and connections are primary. Where this gift of compassion is shared from leaders to listeners and listeners to members and members to other members, listeners, and people in their life. On any given day, we have tens of thousands of compassion gifts circulating around the 7 Cups community. A good conversation, a WTG in a sharing circle, a shout out, a spotlight - all of these are gifts going round and round 7 Cups. One interesting thing about the Kula tribe [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kula_ring] and their conception of a gift is that it becomes heavier or more valuable as it passes from one person to the next. Imagine our gift boxes of compassion circulating. Someone sends a gift to me about how awesome a listener or mentor is. I hear this and send it over to the community management team - hey I just received this message and think this person is great. They then send it over to the mentor and say hey great job! And so on. That gift of compassion becomes heavier with each person it touches. It becomes more meaningful. 7 Cups differ from the Kula tribe and ancient societies in a number of ways. We are based on the Internet, so we have unintentionally layered on a digital approach to gift economies. Also, if you watch that ecosystem video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRBZVZehiL0&ab_channel=7CupsofTea], then you’ll see that each party gets something and each party gives something naturally. I wanted to share this gift economy model with you, because when I learned of it I was struck by its significance and how much more substantial it makes our work. Like someone in the desert sweeping off the top of a pyramid and then seeing the rest of it under the sand. We, collectively, have swept off an ancient - and beautiful - pattern of relating to one another. We give gifts to one another on 7 Cups. It is a beautiful practice. Beautiful isn’t the right word. It is more than that. Thank you listeners for being the first gift givers. Thank you for giving to me and many others millions of times. Thank you or helping us rediscover things we have forgotten. A couple of questions to consider: When you read the above (or watch the videos or read the links), what stands out to you about 7 Cups and gift giving? How can we strengthen our gift economy even more? (I’ll share more on this in another post and weave in comments from this thread). With gratitude, Glen

A Letter of Hope

by GlenM

March 1st

...See more Dear Member or Listener, I’ve been thinking about you. Maybe I haven’t sent you a message or commented on your post, but I have an idea of who you are. I know that you may have been through some ups and downs. I know that life hasn’t always been easy. I know that people may have said things about you that are not true. And that you may have been treated in unfair ways. The world may have thrown a lot at you. I know what it feels like to be in pain and seemingly buried under a pile of rocks and rubble. Or to feel like I’m drowning and then all of a sudden a helpful hand pulls me out of the water. To breathe again and more easily. To begin to think okay I’m going to make it. Things will be okay. And that path to okay can feel like a long time. You might be thinking: Why am I not there yet? How come I have these other new challenges to solve on top of my old ones? I ask these questions too. I don’t know how to answer them for myself or for others. That is far above my pay grade. However, what I can do is believe in you. And I do. With all of my heart and every fiber in my being. I believe in you. You matter to me and you matter to this community. Your life is valuable and it has a purpose. 7 Cups was built with you in mind. We are all builders here. Glad workers. We build for you and all of the other people that walk through our doors. And it is the highest privilege. It is, to me, the most interesting and most rewarding way to live. You being here makes all of our lives better. It might not feel like that now, but it will. Stay on the path taking one step at a time. We have hearts full of hope and love and we are rooting for you! Now grab that brick and pass it here. We have lots and lots of building to do! Steadfastly yours, GlenM

Who is your hero?

by GlenM

February 14th

...See more A year or so ago I was working on this talk. In that talk, I was highlighting people I admired like Gandhi, MLK Jr., and Mother Teresa. I feel like they were shining lights that pointed in the right direction. They are looked up to by most people in our global community. One of the evaluators met with me and started saying very negative things about each of these people. She really didn’t like them. I know all of us are complex - we all have good, neutral, and bad parts of ourselves. None of us are perfect. Still, however, even with their challenges, quirks, and idiosyncrasies, I maintained that they were heroes. She strongly disagreed. I then asked her "okay, who are your heroes?" She sat there stunned. Baffled. She thought and thought and thought. Then she looked up to me and said I don’t have any heroes. It was my turn to be stunned. I couldn’t believe it. I said you don’t admire anyone? She flatly said “no” and suggested I was naive for believing that humanity can have heroes. Here is how Wikipedia defines a hero: A hero (feminine: heroine) is a real person or a main fictional character [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protagonist] who, in the face of danger, combats adversity through feats of ingenuity, courage [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courage], or strength [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_strength]. The original hero type of classical epics did such things for the sake of glory [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glory_(honor)] and honor [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honor]. Post-classical [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-classical_history] and modern [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modern_history] heroes, on the other hand, perform great deeds or selfless acts for the common good instead of the classical goal of wealth, pride [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pride], and fame. The antonym of hero is villain [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villain].[1] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero#cite_note-G%C3%B6lz-1] Other terms associated with the concept of hero may include good guy or white hat [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/white_hat]. I’m writing this post because I think it is important for us to have heroes. They are human like us, but somehow able to walk past the muck and free themselves from the shackles that capture most of us. They see beyond the immediate and share a vision of a much better future. They inspire, motivate us, and speak to our better angels. The following is a scale put together by an old writer called David Hawkins. He was attempting to create a scale of consciousness that helped to capture much of what has been written in the wisdom literature. People with higher levels of consciousness experience expanded awareness and inner peace, while those with lower levels may be navigating through various challenges and complexities. There have been many criticisms of his thinking and this scale in general. I agree with many of them. To me, it isn’t important how he found these levels, but whether or not they are a directionally correct or helpful way of looking at human behavior. I think it is a helpful tool or guide for personal growth and development. People that are in pain often feel like they are in the lower levels. I see trauma or distress or unresolved issues as weights that keep a person down. We want to float up like an air balloon and become stronger and more compassionate, but we have these sandbags on us that keep us down. When we heal, we cut those sandbags and find ourselves moving up the scale. Pragmatically, I think it would be possible for us as a community (or even more broadly) to map public figures from throughout history and even now to this scale. I’d argue that a few of my heroes mentioned above (Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and MLK) would be near the top of the scale. And if enough of us voted, then I’d think we’d see people start to see votes cluster in certain areas. Why am I focusing on heroes? I think heroes are an accessible way for us to understand the power compassionate people can have on the world. Hawkins would argue that the higher one goes up this scale, the more true they are or the more integrity they have, and therefore they have a bigger impact. Enlightened people like MLK didn’t have a big marketing or propaganda budget. His ideas had to stand or fall on the merits. And his ideas soared and caused a society to rally behind him. Truth is durable, strong, inspirational, and unifying. Things that survive for a long time tend to be true. Lies have a short shelf life. They are fleeting, weak, draining, and cause division. On this scale, it seems like the more humility one has (the less ego) the more one moves up the scale. This is an important distinction because many scales or lists emphasize people with the most money, power, or fame for example. We understand that not everyone indeed has a clear-cut hero in their life. Maybe you haven't met someone who embodies what you admire, or maybe you haven’t identified a hero that could be a past, present, or historical figure. But that doesn't mean a hero doesn't exist for you! It just means that you might not have thought of them yet. Imagine your hero. What makes them stand out? Don't worry about finding them in the real world just yet. Just share what you can. We need heroes now more than ever. It is a time for increased awareness and clarity. It is good and noble for us to find and champion heroes. They speak to us today and they show us a better path forward. I’d like to better understand our community’s heroes. I think they would tell us a lot about us. Please share any thoughts, ideas or recommendations below and here are some questions to consider to help us better understand your heroes. Who are your heroes? Can be personal (like friends or family), in the past (historical figures), present or even fictional. Do you have a picture or video that you can share here? Why do you admire them (1-3 sentences)? Where would you put them on the above scale?

Train Tracks and Stations

by GlenM

January 27th

...See more I wrote before about narrative therapy and how it can be helpful to view our lives as a story with different chapters [https://www.7cups.com/forum/siteupdates/GlensNookCommunity_547/TheStoryofYou_310701/]. Usually these chapters are based around a new job, school, or moving to a new area. They can also be tied to relationships or a phase of life like having children. A story is helpful because it has a beginning and an ending. The person follows the arc throughout their life. This is therapeutic because it helps bring meaning to all of the different challenges (or chapters) a person faces. A story can help us better find our purpose. I was thinking of this story metaphor and then I visualized it as a sort of map with train tracks connecting different stations. The map begins when one is born and ends at the end of life. We all have goals on where we hope to end up at the end of life. If you haven’t tried this exercise [https://www.7cups.com/forum/siteupdates/GlensNookCommunity_547/FindingYourPurposeExercise_272327/] then you might find it helpful to further visualize your personal story or map. One of the interesting things about trains is that they all run to stations. They are very fixed. You can’t just decide to take an immediate turn on a train like you can a car. You have to run it all the way to the next station regardless of whether or not you want to go there. Then, the flexibility happens at the station. You can go on one train or another to get closer to your destination. Here is why I think this train track metaphor is interesting. * Train tracks from one station to another can be seen as chapters in life. We are going from point A to point B. * A station is like a decision point. If you know where you are going (you’ve done an exercise like the one linked above), then you know your options and which train is most likely to get you closer to your destination. If you don’t know where you are going, then you might just go on the next train or go to a random destination. If you are patient, then you can wait for the right train. If you are in a hurry, then you might hop on the wrong train. * When we are on one train we are on it with other people that are also going to that same destination. We may choose to stay with them and board the next train together or we may choose to leave them (and vice versa). We may end up going in different directions. * Every part of the journey is unique. It is shaped by the passengers in it, cargo or the specific choices we make along the way. It represents the different aspects of life like relationships, workplace, academic, spiritual, etc and the uniqueness and individuality of these paths and how we adapt to navigate them. * During our train journey, we meet other people, some of which can offer guidance or influence our station choices. These conductors may be wise guides offering knowledge about the tracks, or even our own internal voice, serving as intuition about the next destination. * Life, like a mischievous conductor, sometimes throws you off course. These detours could be external storms like job losses, illnesses, or unexpected twists of fate. Or, they could be internal hurricanes of self-doubt, heartbreak, or existential crises that force you to re-evaluate your journey. Similarly, not all detours are dead ends! Imagine a missed train leading to a chance meeting with a mentor, a detour through a forgotten town sparking a lifelong passion, or a broken track forcing you to develop resourcefulness and resilience you never knew you possessed. In my own life, there have been times when I’ve taken a train from one station to another. I was working on a project or maybe in a relationship, and I wanted the train to keep going, but the tracks ended in another station. The project didn’t continue or the relationship parted ways. During these times, I’ve thought, I wish the train would keep going! I’m enjoying this part of the journey and I think it makes sense that it should keep going. Or, I’m in a new train station and there is only one option out - only one train to take out of the station. I don’t have any real choices. I don’t usually think that the one train I can choose is along the path of where I’d like to go. Sometimes these tracks can be painful. People call these “dark nights of the soul” where there is often grief, confusion and sadness. These more difficult passages are never fun, but I’ve found - in retrospect - that they are often the most helpful and direct parts of the journey. They do a nice job of creating humility by helping me give up control and learning to surrender and trust the process (as discussed here [https://www.7cups.com/forum/siteupdates/GlensNookCommunity_547/TheRiver_296728/] (river post). There is light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes, all we need to do is to remember to find the little sparks. It ends up being a bit of a paradox. I have my plan and I think I know where I want to end up at the end of the journey. I try to take the trains that I think will get me there. Sometimes, however, the path from one station to the next feels too short. Or the one option I can take feels too painful. However, when I zoom out and imagine myself looking down on the below tracks and map, I can see that the journey was leading me all along. The times where I thought the tracks should continue would have ultimately brought me further away from the destination. I would have stayed on the train too long. I couldn’t see it at the time, but it was a grace that the tracks ended. Or, similarly, the tracks from one station to the next that I saw as painful and wanting to avoid, ended up being the most important tracks for the journey. I don’t think I’d make it to where I hope to go without them. Does this way of looking at life resonate with you? Can you look back and see times where you wanted the train to keep going, but now realize it was likely better that it ended? Have you ever taken a “wrong train” that ended up leading you to something good? Any and all thoughts welcome!

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