My Recovery Journey
Hi everyone! I'm Panda ❤️
I've been struggling with self-harm for 4 years now. I'm starting a little journal here to document my self-harm recovery journey because self-harm is something I've been struggling to think and talk about. I still feel a lot of shame because I'm still fighting those urges after so many years, but I think it's finally time for me to have an open heart-to-heart with myself. I'm posting here for the people out there who are struggling with self-harm too. You're not alone, and I hope this can help you with your own recovery journey 💜
I'll be talking about both my past struggles and my current ones, and I'll label them accordingly. Feel free to respond if you like, it'd feel nice to know we're walking through this together 💛
The world keeps asking: "what have you done for me?" If you say "a lot", they answer "good, don't stop". If you say "not that much", they say "you're bad, leave".
Ok then, I will.
@honestpanda81
What about what they've done for you? People are always so unfair, they don't recognize the good things you do for them, but fail them just once and they'll never forgive.
Do all you can to do for yourself. That's the only thing that matters, because people come and go, but you'll always count with yourself.
@Kimmkimm
Oh Kimm <3, I would cross the world for someone like you. It doesn't matter to me what others have done for me, because everyone is fighting a battle I know nothing about. Who knows what the people around me have been through? But everyone around me acts like they think they know me. They act as if I've lived a pampered and entitled life, and there's simply no way for me to tell them otherwise without showing them the worst sides of me. No one goes through childhood trauma unscathed. I know how ugly those parts of me are, how much uglier than what they already think of me. So I can't.
I wouldn't wish these things upon anyone, but I sometimes really wish there was just one person in my class who understood. Who knew what it felt like. Maybe then they'd be a little kinder.
I know the world won't be the ones showing me kindness, and I have to show myself. It's just...the world demands so much. It's not as though I have some magical strength tucked away somewhere that I've been hiding. This is all I have. If they want more, I'm the one who accumulates the debt, who pays the price. I don't want to. I wish I didn't have to. When this is all over I'll be the one picking up the pieces. Not that I'm sure there'll be any pieces left.
I'll try, Kimm, i promise. I'm going to really try to get this right. I want to be emotionally healthy. Stay safe, Kimm, and I'll see you around *hugs* 
I'd been clean for 3 months and 10 days. When you add that up, that's just about 100 days. It's pretty good, though I can usually go several months between relapses.
I tried. I really did. I could tell it was getting worse, so I did more positivity and gratitude exercises. I did more meditation and self-care. I prayed a lot more and begged God to stop my pain. It just didn't. Some days were ok, and some days were just....so difficult. I wish it was easier.
About a week ago I just....gave up. It was a moment of weakness. Just a moment. But as you all might already know, all it takes to relapse is a moment. I don't really know how to feel about it. Or rather, I'm not feeling anything. I guess that's good. It's helping.
Recovery sucks. Years of struggling and I have to go through relapse after relapse. If I had known how difficult recovery would be, I think I would never have started in the first place. To everyone out there struggling with something like this, I hope you guys have a better time recovering .
Don't give up, it's not over
@honestpanda81
You tried the first time and you couldn't, Then you tried again, and you couldn't keep it. Now you've managed to last 100 days clean. I'm sure the next times will be longer and longer. Failing once is not failing for life.
Keep fighting, Pandita. You've come this far and you can go even further!
@Kimmkimm
My dear friend Kimm, thank you. You're right, recovery isn't a linear process. I can always start again, and learn to get better. I have to keep trying; I can't give up. I'm not helpless, and I get to choose what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm going to get better, I have to believe that. Thank you, Kimm, for always being here for me
Dear me,
Stop running. Can't you hear the screams? They're yours. Don't you feel that pain? That's you. Stop ignoring the struggle, the agony in your heart, and panic in your heart, the non-stop whirlwind of thoughts in your head. This isn't something you can bury or hide, or something you can leave behind and forget. Stop running.
I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry it got this bad. I'm sorry it hurts so much. If I could take this pain away from you, if I could somehow stand in front of you and bear it for you, I would. But I've tried, and that's not working. I can't do this without you. I need you too.
Please, take care of yourself. You can get better, I know you can. Recover isn't a straight road, there'll always be ups and downs. Just keep going, and never give up on yourself
Love,
You
@honestpanda81
Aww Pandita that's so touching 
I wish I could do all of that for you. If I could take all the pain, the struggling, the suffering from you and keep it to myself, I would. But it is not a choice and I feel so bad for not being able to help. All I can do is to tell you this: Please do not give up. Please. And I know it's selfish, I ask you this because I don't want to lose you, I don't want to lose a friend, I need you. I, I, I, everything is about me and that's so selfish.
Pandita, you've been strong all this time. If you have to go back it is only to get enough space, space to accelerate and to give a big jump forward.
Dear you: there are people who love you the way you are, there are people who know how valuable and important you are. And you can count on them.
And I also love you
@Kimmkimm
I wish I could take yours too Kimm. I wish I could shoulder all of your pain with you and be there for you in real life. I feel sad too, because I can't be with all my favourite people here, including you.
I don't want to give up. I don't think anyone does. Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming, and it feels like leaving is infinitely better than waiting even another second for the off-chance that it'll get better. But I know I have to. I want it to get better. I want to spend another several decades chatting with you and everyone here. It's not selfish at all of you, I'd feel exactly the same way too.
Thank you for being such a loving and sweet friend, Kimm. I love you too
A letter to the 5-year-old me
From: https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaSupport_60/JournalingStories_318/WritingaLettertoyourinnerChild_75053/
Hey there
I have so, so many things to say to you. I wish I could give you a big hug and a teddy. I love you very much, we all do, because you're so sweet and kind. You were always so cheerful and carefree, my only wish is for you to be happy again.
Your feelings are so confusing, and I often hear you crying in the back of my head, but I want you to know that I'm always here to take care of you. I promise I'll keep you safe. I know how scared and upset you must feel. I know you feel ignored, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to talk to you. Forgive me for needing more time. I'm trying so so hard to be strong for all of us.
I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to see me like this. I know you trust me, so I'll work hard to help you heal. You've been trying so hard all these years to grow, I see that, and I'm very proud of you. You deserved to just be a child. I'm sorry for everything you had to go through. That mean lady didn't have the right to hurt you. You were small and afraid, and you just wanted someone to care about you, it's not your fault at all that it happened. If I could go back and stop that mean lady, I would, but I can't. I hope you can forgive me for that. I hope you can forgive our mummy and daddy for not protecting you, for not stopping it. They didn't know. Please don't be mad at them.
It's over now. She can't hurt you anymore. Now that I'm big and strong, I'll protect you. I'll always take good care of you. You're safe now. Let me wipe your tears away. You don't have to cry anymore. I love you so much.
Love, me
@honestpanda81
This was......heartbreaking. Me and little me against the world. These days it's so hard to look into the faces of the adults who hate me and still believe that I'm an almost fully grown woman who is capable of defending herself. I have to be strong and independent now, because I'm the one who decides who I am and what I want to do with my life. I won't back down because of the spiteful adults who think nothing of me. For you, little me, I choose to live.
@honestpanda81
Awww heartbreaking indeed. But I like what you said at the end: you choose to live. Pandita that is so nice to read and I feel happy and proud. I know little hou would also be happy, and I also know little you will geow up into and awesome woman. 💕
When i was young, very young, i grew up not very mentally stable whatsoever and was diagnosed with depression at a very young age. And by the time i was 11 i understood it ad i had beat it. And then about two years later i had some reareally bad things happen to me and it triggered some bad pstd and brought me in bad places in my mind.
trigger warning.
anand by the time i was 13 and a half i started relapsing, many, many times. I became severely depressed and could barely stay awake for a hour. I couldnt clean or eat. I could hardly take care of myelf. And life got really difficult for me to handle.
I gradualy kept cutting more and more until i got sent to the emergecy room at 3 AM one day. And nobody had done anything abou it so i felt as if they didnt care, which made everything feel so much worse for me and so much hsrder to deal with.
One day the cops had been called and CPS came and i wasnt home for about a month. But it really helped me to be away. I came home and could help myself and cleand my room and threw away all my blades, cleaned my restroom and got myself cleaned and fed.
@Strawberryjam12
Hey Strawberry! I'm sorry if you were hoping for a reply sooner. I didn't want to read your story because I get triggered easily when reading/listening to someone talk about self-harm. You're welcome to share your story here, though I did create this thread as a personal journal of sorts. If you're interested in doing this too, go ahead and create a thread of your own. :-) <3
It makes me really sad to hear how you didn't get the care and support you needed when you were younger. I hope you'll remember that you're so very loved and valued in this community, and we're always here for you if you need some kindness and encouragement. The bravery you showed in beating your depression at such a young age is truly amazing, I only wish I was capable of the same.
It must have been so scary and painful to go through all of that, but I'm so happy that you conquered it in the end. You're such an incredibly strong person, and I know you'll keep fighting no matter what. Take care, Strawberry, and have a good day ahead.
I'm so sad, my friend.
@Kimmkimm
I'm trying not to start crying in school. I miss her so much T-T *hugs* PM me Kimm, if you ever need someone to talk to. Don't neat yourself up over this. I can't lose you too <3
In a world of pain and suffering, you would think people would be more understand to the broken souls.
"You just do it for attention." "You need to be more resilient." People don't know what a blessing it is that they have never felt the kind of emotional agony that compels you to do anything to run desperately in the opposite direction. Because I didn't choose the pain, I chose the running.
So let me read you an excerpt from the book Dirt by Mary Marantz:
My running is like a girl in a red cape, barefoot and muddy, escaping her way out of the deep, dark words. The branches clawing at the skin, tearing at her clothes, leaving bits and pieces of her behind like breadcrumbs, the big bad wolf ripping at her heels. She runs because she knows that if she stops running it just might kill her.
And when I look back over my shoulder, breathless and wild-eyed, I finally see it:
I am the girl in the red cape, but I am also the wolf.
Then why don't I simply stop running, you may ask. If I'm the big bad wolf howling and growling behind the poor little girl, then can't I just stop?
That's exactly what I'm trying to do. It's just not that simple. The wolf doesn't stop being violent and angry. In fact, without something to chase, it becomes even more restless and rabid. If I can't control it, if I can't calm it down and give it the love it needs to heal and grow, it might just go after someone else.
And here we have the paradox of recovery: to take out the bullet, you must first reopen the wound.
We all need time and space. We all need love and support throughout the process. So don't be discouraged. We're all simply trying our best
Hi, I'm new here. I don't really know what else to say right now, but hopefully these things will help me and help you xxx
I don't know how to do this. Does it never end?
Today hurt. This sucks. I wish I were less self-destructive. I want to get better. I want to heal. I want to stop being a victim and start taking contorl of my life. I know my life hasn't been great, but I refuse to take that out on my future self, and the people who love me. I refuse to let my past dictate my future. I refuse to let the pain hold me back from taking care of myself and pursuing my happiness and wellbeing.
I can get through this. I know I can. I have to believe in myself, and fight for the person I want to be. I am not a helpless child anymore, I get to make my own decisions. So I choose to keep going, to keep growing and learning and standing. I'm going to stay clean
Trigger warning
I like looking at my cuts. I like feeling the pain. I like feeling the ridges in my skin, and the gentle warmth of a fresh cut. I like watching little drops of blood stain the white tissue. I like seeing the little spots of bright red on the tissue after I've finished dabbing and poking at them. I like the feeling of relief and quiet numbness that comes afterwards. I like feeling the needles of pain when I move, and shifting my clothes to make sure they're covered.
I don't know why I should stop. I'm not hurting myself permanently. It's just a coping mechanism that works for me. Why do I have to stop?
