trigger warning self harmed after long time not
we went few years self harm free but tonight we end up self harming just a very small cut but feel like end of the world to us right now not wanting to go back way use to be at all we know this was just a slip up but hurts a lot too we only just started feeling emotions from being numb a very long time the flooding of emotions getting to us a lot
words from another here in chat also did not help was few days ago but it got us thinking in away that we a burden to others that we always not doing good that we less then others that we worthless to be heard and seen most them things been said to us over and over in our life we seem to be having a great battle inside with our thoughts a lot lately too
see we live in high pain physically 24/7 with very little help from meds so ya we not doing well most the time and with trying to keep from self harming it a battle a lot angst a unseen enemy called physical pain then add in this Sunday our birthday too were we was sexually abused on that day was they said a birthday gift to us also physically abused they said spanken and pinch to grow on but was more a beating and hard pinch from each of them too
so fear even with us being safe is also here
but also we feel we disappointed others on here due to we did not reach out for help today we just ran off tried to handle the thoughts alone out of fear of comments being made that would hurt too so feeling shame guilt and worthless right now the old words from abusers coming at us right now too
sorry for everyone we disappointed too
@stormieandpaws Hello Storm 💜 I want to tell you how proud I am of all of you. You all went a long time with out sh and you've held yourself accountable here for the recent relapse. I know it hurts when these things happen but it doesn't take away or diminish all the progress you have made up til then. We all have days when everything is just too much and we fall back into old, less than healthy coping methods.
@mytwistedsoul
thank you we was told long time ago that self harms a addiction to the hormones a person own body put out when it been injured. this really made a lot of scenes to us. so we understand it like our addiction to boozes. we was a bad binge drinker. we been sober since jan. 2 2006. so we glad that was not what we did as that would have been more unhealthy. so yes we slipped up and gave in to self harm. but we had been fighting the thoughts for over 3 week too. so it was building up. but what push us over the edge was what the other chatter said. have the emotions coming back flooding us has not been easy for us. truth is we hate asking for help. this was due to our training as a child.
we get what your saying too. yes it not take away all the work we done on healing. kinda points out what we still need to work on. so we posted here as away to be accountable too. but also it reaching out for help. 7cups has helped is helping but we know others can only help if we risk trusting them. that goes agnist everything we was taught. so very hard for most us here.
you and few others have reached out to us but we know that even a hand reaching out to another has to be taken before they can help. just feeling shame. guilt and yes we almost ran away lost night. fear of others we know we deserve things like being heard being see and feeling love. we want that but at same time scared of it.
so we trying not to cycle bad into old ways of copping but it hard too. so thank you very much
@stormieandpaws Congratulations on being sober for so long! That is amazing!
@mytwistedsoul
thank you we have a hard time with trust seem when we state how we really feeling over time. others feel we are always struggling too. but that the truth most the time we be struggling but if they put themselves in our shoes they understand why or if they asked questions too. we live in high pain 24/7 it very hard on us. there really nothing more the doctors can do either. we do get a little help from medications, but the pain always there too. we try hard to stay positive and help others a lot too. but yes it hard to trust due to we had some very negative reactions to the truth spoken about how we feel and what we struggle with. yes we know the old ways of copping are unhealthy and not work. but at times we fall back into them too.
this right now end badly due to feeling emotions again. the shame and anger at self is very strong right now. so we trying to work through that too.
@stormieandpaws Constant pain really affects everything and when the meds don't work there's nothing else you can do. The meds might take away some of it but it doesn't get rid of all of it.
It is hard to stay positive, I hear that! Especially when you're dealing with something all the time. There's never any break from it. I hope you all work through any shame and anger that's there. Those are hard emotions to deal with too.
@mytwistedsoul
thank you we trying to work through the anger. we been told anger cover up deeper emotions. as anger is the safe emotion to have for one raised as we was . dad got angry a lot and it was ok to show anger at home but now when out of home. now the shame was always put on us we was told we was guilty for most the abuse too. so we feel shame a lot too.
