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My first time *trigger warning*

floraM13 June 20th, 2020
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Today I self-harmed for the first time. I mean in the past I have scratched myself or hit myself, but they never left any marks and was just temporary, so I don't consider it as self-harm. But today I couldn't help myself, and did it. It didn't even hurt when I did it, and I didn't even think it worked because there was no signs that anything happened. But now, I can see the scars. They are really small and I don't think anyone will ever notice them, mainly because the tool I used is not common at all. But that isn't stopping my anxiety, there is one part of my brain thinking that evenings will notice, even though the rational part of my brain is telling me they won't.

I don't know how to feel. I can't believe I did it, I didn't think I ever would. I don't even know why I did it, something had happened, but it wasn't too bad and I have gone through much worse things. I am feeling really ashamed, and guilty. I never wanted to sh, and I am terrified I will do it again. It didn't help me at all, and I didn't feel the way I have heard a lot of people say they feel when they do it. But it also may be because I didn't even really feel it; doing the things I mentioned above do help me.

I am just so overwhelmed. I don't know what's going to happen now.

3
MonicaQu June 21st, 2020
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@floraM13

Hey Flora,

Thanks for sharing about your feelings, and thoughts about self harm. I could relate it would make you feel guilty and confused and glad that you came to share about it. It took you a lot of courage doing that. If you want to talk about things feel free to do that we are there for you. What other things have you tried and had you felt they made things worse or better?

floraM13 OP June 22nd, 2020
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@MonicaQu

Thank you. By other things I've tried do you mean safer coping mechanisms? If that's what you mean, I have tried the rubber band trick, and I guess it sort of helped, but wasn't enough. I have also tried distractions which didn't work. Since that first time, I have ended up doing it multiple times.

EvilRegalsReadToo June 23rd, 2020
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@floraM13 I feel you. I started making "burn markes" on my arms by scratching myself until I had a "burn mark". It ended with cutting, bc I felt like I needed it, but now I can handle my feelings better than SH'ing, and I feel ok. I haven't SH'ed for three weeks now.

What I wanted to say is: It will get better. Maybe you need to talk to a therapist, so you can get the feelings out, and find a better way to handle it? That's what I did at least. Good luck in the future heart

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