Not ready to recover?

I've been confused for a long time. This is supposed to be bad but I honestly don't want to give it up. One counselor asked if it helped and I had to say yes, but still - it's not like this is something I would wish on anyone else. And realistically, what can anyone say or do to change anything? Doctors just seem to want to avoid any discussion and then suggest trying rubber bands which seems so naive. I had to get stitches recently and they were all concerned and stuff but beyond the technical aspects of fixing me up, there's nothing they can do, obviously. I don't count the days I'm clean anymore. The biggest disincentive is someone finding out but that just gets frustrating. So anyway, where am I supposed to go from here? People say it doesn't have to be something you live with for the rest of your life, but idk...