Everything goes grey TW
long winded rant ahead I apologize for how random and long It is đź’€
I have been struggling for such a long time and it doesn’t feel worth it anymore. I’m almost 21 and that’s all I held on for, my 21st birthday party. I’m 3 weeks clean, I had a terrible relapse a couple months ago and it just didn’t really stop. It’s been difficult not having that coping skill through the gray anymore. I am trying so so hard to just be okay but I can’t get rid of all the darkness that’s followed me my entire life. I can’t undo what they did. Im a week away from 21, I don’t know how to look further than that right now.
please know that I’m trying with everything, I’ve spent years and years in different kinds of therapy. Still am (I have a session on my 21st) I don’t want to give up on myself, it’s just so difficult when my own brain tells me to quit.
i just feel so worthless. I was abandoned at 17 by my entire family and have been on my own, and it’s been so dark. It was dark before I mean it was very unsafe in numerous ways, but to just not have anyone even if they’re hurting me? There’s nobody to call when I have a question about health or cooking or fixing something or heartbreak. I talk to my grandma occasionally and she asked how I think anyone could marry someone like me, someone so analytical about everything. What she doesn’t understand is I literally had to be analytical to survive my childhood and in one piece. I had to learn to read and navigate people. I turned into the therapist friend and that kept me going for a long time. I just can’t handle it anymore. I can’t sponge anything else up for them and articulate how to unload their hurt anymore. I see people grow and work through things better than I can, I wish I could make the same happen for me. I just need to fix me but I don’t know how. I wish the wind didn’t keep blowing me down. I wish I wasn’t feeling to pitiful. I signed up for and lived by being the ear for everything that understands. I’m so tired of understanding everyone’s hurt. It triggers so many things mentally with remembering everything. It’s like it all hits at once, 19 years of horror in a few seconds.
anyways I apologize for such a ramble, I’m figuring out boundaries with what I take on. I’m still learning how to carry the right things to balance the scales. Im just feeling very empty and helpless.
@sunflowercoffeedate don't apologise for venting your emotions. Did it help a little ?.... That's all what matters. I don't share your same experience . But I understand why you need to feel analytical about things around you . When you have walked through life alone for a long time , it's hard no to. I get that you are tired of your own horrors of life. I know, it sucks.
I've been through some pretty traumatic stuff myself and always have this feeling like others can never really understand what its like unless they went through something similar. Trauma changes a person. You're not unlovable or wont be able to get married. You're just a survivor, and not the only one. I think it makes perfect sense that youve become analytical. Abandonment issues are so hard but know that you are not worthless and being abandoned says nothing of your worth. I think if you have put other people first & helped them throughout the years that you are a beautiful person inside. And it's okay if youre too tired right now to do that, because right now youre struggling and need to focus on you and that's totally okay. Youre still valuable, even when its hard for you to see it. I'm new to this app and hopefully I said this okay but your story stuck out to me & I wanted to repond because survivors should stick together. It's easy to feel alone sometimes. Im glad that you are here because it sounds like you could use some more emotional support in your life. Just know their words dont define you. I believe that you can get through this and you have a long happy life ahead of you. so much can change in a year, let alone 5 or 10 or 20. Keep going one step at a time
Thank you for all of your kind words ❤️ I told my therapist my plans and got a bit more support. But you’re 100% on point about no one understanding unless they’ve experienced it. My oblivious roommate told me I would have done it already if I wanted to because it’s so easy 💀 it’s hard not feeling so alone when the people who seem to understand either let it destroy them as people and end up causing harm or we’re taking turns feeling this exact way, riding the same waves. I just want to have hope for a future, hope that it isn’t as difficult as today is. Not following through at the end was/is a really weird experience. Like everything was planned so thoroughly and I felt peace the last week because I was going to finally have relief from it all. But I guess I still have hope lying around somewhere 🤣 I appreciate you and your support, thank you ❤️
It's not a simple thing. Some people commit suicide the 1st time they plan it and some do the 2nd or the 3rd etc. I dont think its fair for someone to say something like gou would have if you really wanted to. Instead they sboukd be saying I'm glad that you didnt do it even though you wanted to. I dont even know you but Im glad that you didnt. I feel like I'm on both sides here because Ive struggled with depression for years and attempted suicide in the past so I know what thats like, along with so much other messed up stuff. But also my brother committed suicide last yr so I know how that feel too. Ad I wish so much that he told me how he was feeling because I live with so much grief and guilt and all these regrets every day. I fee like can never be fully happy again now that hes gone. But he probably never knew that Id feel that way, so broken, crying amost ever day even almost a year later. I want you to know that you are a special precious person in this world that can never be replaced. I'm glad that you still have some hipe in there. Hold onto it firmly until you can stand on your own again. People definitely take people they love for granted but then deeply mourn their loss when its too late, maybe its in human nature. But youre not alone and even if those ppl close to you dont get it, someone does. Youve been through so much. Be kind to yourself. Think of the ppl you helped & what you would have said to them if they were struggling as you are. We are so much harder on ourselves sometimes than we'd be to someone we love. But forget that we should love ourselves too. Take care. I do believe that life will get better for you if you keep going. I struggle sometimes, especially after my recent loss, but Im not in the same dark place as I was years ago when I was in the thick of things. We get older, we get wiser, we get stronger. Youre a survivor; you can survive this too
