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sunflowercoffeedate
6,663 M Moving Along 4
PathStep 30 Compassion hearts410 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 8, 2020
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Just another drifter looking for my feet

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Everything goes grey TW
Self-Harm Recovery / by sunflowercoffeedate
Last post
 March 4th, 2023
...See more long winded rant ahead I apologize for how random and long It is 💀 I have been struggling for such a long time and it doesn’t feel worth it anymore. I’m almost 21 and that’s all I held on for, my 21st birthday party. I’m 3 weeks clean, I had a terrible relapse a couple months ago and it just didn’t really stop. It’s been difficult not having that coping skill through the gray anymore. I am trying so so hard to just be okay but I can’t get rid of all the darkness that’s followed me my entire life. I can’t undo what they did. Im a week away from 21, I don’t know how to look further than that right now. please know that I’m trying with everything, I’ve spent years and years in different kinds of therapy. Still am (I have a session on my 21st) I don’t want to give up on myself, it’s just so difficult when my own brain tells me to quit. i just feel so worthless. I was abandoned at 17 by my entire family and have been on my own, and it’s been so dark. It was dark before I mean it was very unsafe in numerous ways, but to just not have anyone even if they’re hurting me? There’s nobody to call when I have a question about health or cooking or fixing something or heartbreak. I talk to my grandma occasionally and she asked how I think anyone could marry someone like me, someone so analytical about everything. What she doesn’t understand is I literally had to be analytical to survive my childhood and in one piece. I had to learn to read and navigate people. I turned into the therapist friend and that kept me going for a long time. I just can’t handle it anymore. I can’t sponge anything else up for them and articulate how to unload their hurt anymore. I see people grow and work through things better than I can, I wish I could make the same happen for me. I just need to fix me but I don’t know how. I wish the wind didn’t keep blowing me down. I wish I wasn’t feeling to pitiful. I signed up for and lived by being the ear for everything that understands. I’m so tired of understanding everyone’s hurt. It triggers so many things mentally with remembering everything. It’s like it all hits at once, 19 years of horror in a few seconds. anyways I apologize for such a ramble, I’m figuring out boundaries with what I take on. I’m still learning how to carry the right things to balance the scales. Im just feeling very empty and helpless.
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