My Experiences with Offsite Contact
Hello, everyone! I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re having a great day 🌞
This post hasn’t been an easy one for me to write, because it has so many negative feelings associated with it; shame, anxiety, embarrassment, even a little bit of fear. But, with a lot of encouragement, I’ve decided that it’s best to share with you all my personal experiences with offsite contact, both via 7 Cups and off 7 Cups.
Yes, you read that correctly. Back when I was a young teen listener (I’d been a listener for no more than 2-3 months), I connected offsite with a member. It was very, very stupid, and quite frankly, it was downright dangerous. Not to mention against the rules! This isn’t my only experience with offsite contact/dangerous activity online generally, and I will get to this very soon.
I know what you may be thinking. I’m a safety leader - an ambassador, nonetheless - and I broke one of the most important rules relating to safety. I’ve thought about this a lot (with help from others), and I’ve come to the conclusion that my previous actions have influenced me to care so much about safety. I have lived through what could happen as a result of offsite contact, and that is why I can be so pugnacious when it comes to the safety of users, especially teens. I am not my past mistakes.
Written below are my experiences with offsite contact and dangerous actions online.
7 Cups
I had no idea of the rules regarding offsite contact. I didn’t know that it was prohibited (even though I have more than 1 brain cell, so it should have been obvious). Thankfully, I was safe during this interaction (as was the member), but other users have definitely not been as fortunate.
As soon as I was made aware of the rules, I removed the user from my social media, and sent them a message on 7 Cups stating that it was highly inappropriate of me to engage in offsite contact with them, and that it was best for all communication to be had on the site. I had no intention of breaking any rules.
Back when I used to have profile pictures of art that I had drawn, one member was able to find me on a site where you can write stories. As soon as I noticed the connection, I removed all followers who I did not personally know and changed the username/profile pictures, both on that site and on 7 Cups. Even if you don’t share offsite contact explicitly, some users may find you because of similar usernames or profile pictures.
You may trust a person you meet online. You may really like their personality, and click with them in so many ways. You may feel like they’re a friend. Your friend. They may feel the same way, and they may even actually be the person you think they are. But so many things are possible when we share our details. For example;
The person could be dangerous
The person could be looking to harm you
The person could attempt to blackmail you
The person could attempt to locate you/invade your privacy
The person could be ‘catfishing’ you, i.e., pretending to be someone and acting as this person, sometimes with or without photos, only to be completely different
Yes, we make friends on the site, and that’s great! But that’s where it needs to end -- the site. It should not ever, ever go any further than chatting in the rooms (or PMs, if with a listener), because it can be (and is) dangerous. People aren’t always who they say they are online; I know this from my own personal experiences, which are detailed below.
Games
I remember being a very small Rebekah, I think I was around 7 or 8 years old. Still using my brother’s 1990s acorn computer, I started playing a game (which I won’t name). It was aimed for children 6+ (though anyone could play it, feasibly). I remember another user asked me for my name and where I lived. They told me they lived just a few miles away from my very small Welsh town (exceptionally unlikely), and that their name was very similar to mine. This made my small child brain happy -- this user then asked if I wanted to marry him, and what did I say? I said, “no, thank you, because I want to change my surname when I get married.” This is such an innocent, childlike thing to say, exactly because I was a child! This user was clearly an older person looking to cause harm to me. It’s terrifying when you really think about it.
In the same game, when I was older, I connected with a user on Skype. We had a video call, and they refused to show their face or speak into the phone. This is a major red flag that I couldn’t see as a young 13-14 bambino. He told me to find some alcohol in my house, and to drink it. He took a screenshot of me doing this, and said he was going to post it on his social media. I don’t think he did this, but I will never know. He asked me lots of personal questions that I don’t quite remember. I can only see how blatantly predatory this is now that I am an adult.
In a different game, I made friends with someone who eventually started to beg me to come and live with them in their country. I was no more than 8. I asked them to stop, and they wouldn’t, so I told my mum what was happening. She told me to block them and to come off the game, which I did.
Games are fun, and we can make friends on them. But, they need to stay as game-friends. Just like how 7 Cups friends need to stay as 7 Cups-friends.
Social Media
When I was 11, I created an account on a popular social media platform. I was obsessed with Monster High, particularly one of the characters. I would follow any and all accounts that were related to this character, and that involved one that was something like, “charactername_official”. The ‘official’ part to me made me think, ooooooo, they must like the character as much as me! So, I ‘followed’ them.
What came after this was nothing short of completely predatory behaviour, that I only realised when I was around 17 or 18. I don't remember how old they said they were (they were definitely over the age of 18). They told me they lived in a spacious flat in Florida, and mapped out their location to me, with a red line going from where he lived to my country. He told me that I should come and visit him at some point. He sent me a photo that he said was himself, but I now know that it 100% was not. It was heavily pixelated and looked like a model. Even if it was him, the picture he had sent me was inappropriate as it was a shirtless photo. I’ve tried searching for the photo on Google, but I’ve not found it. That random man had/has pictures of 11 year old me, and that’s absolutely terrifying.
Conclusion and Key Points
Here are the key points from this post;
Sharing your details online is not safe, under any circumstances
People are not who they say are
You are NOT your past mistakes
Photos are never completely erased from cyberspace
If you are catfished, targeted by older people, or hurt in any sort of way, it is NOT your fault
Learning is growing, and growing is important so that we can be the best version of ourselves
If you meet someone on 7 Cups, STAY on 7 Cups
I’ve made mistakes, and I have learned from them. I am the best version of myself. It’s okay to make mistakes -- this is something that I have been taught from a young age, but only really began to understand recently.
If there’s only one thing I want to make known from this post, it’s this: if you are currently in contact with someone offsite, please remove them. I know it sounds mean or even unfair, but please, listen to/read everything I’ve said and really think about it. Not only is it against the rules, it can impede your safety.
I’d like to give a special thank you to @Heather225, who has encouraged me to create this post. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you, and I’m grateful for all that you’ve done, not just for me, but for the greater community.
Resources
@Rebekah
Awww this truly doesn't seem like an easy post to make, but here you are acknowledging your mistakes for the greater good, to help others, which is quite noble, Rebekah. Talking about our experiences publically is never easy. I can't tell how proud I am of you! ❤
Yusss, you aren't your mistakes (no one is) and its such an act of courage to honor something like this. It's true, we learn along the way and we should be allowed the leeway to grow and become a better version of ourselves, in life, in general too.
Thank youuu for putting this message forward, so so so important, specially for the teens. Safety is #1 and it begins with us. Let's all try to be more mindful of the same, for oneself and others. ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou, thank you so much for your kind words, Sun. I appreciate it (and you) so very much. It's certainly quite hard to be as transparent as I have been here, but it's the best thing for the community, like you said. Thank you, again 🌞💙
@Rebekah
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou thank you you know I think this is very important because a lot of people get caught up in the web of this. I have my own story myself that happened to me when I was very young and let's just say I suffered much pain after I discovered what was really behind the screen but yeah, I don't give people any information of mine at all
@Rebekah thank you so very much for your vulnerability in your post. I can only imagine how difficult this was for you to share. I admire you so much for being vulnerable and sharing with the community why offsite communication can be so dangerous. I’m glad that both you and the member were and are safe. 7 cups has guidelines for a reason.
I just want to say one other thing, as listeners, whether adult, teen, or both, it is not the members responsibility to maintain the guidelines. It is ours as listeners to set an example and to be in integrity at all times.
As Always,
Kristy
@Kristynsmama, thank you so much, Krysty, for your lovely comment. It is definitely important for listeners to enforce rules, not only to keep themselves safe, but to keep members safe. Member's should also make an effort to follow the rules, but listeners have a very special and important role that they should never abuse. Thank you for your words, again 🌞💙
Thank you for sharing your experiences with such honesty and vulnerability. It takes a great deal of courage to reflect on past mistakes and use them as stepping stones for personal growth. It's commendable how you've turned your past experiences into a source of strength and dedication to promoting safety. As someone who began their Cups journey as a teen and has evolved so much that you now advocate for community safety as an Ambassador, I see you as an inspiration. I hope that everyone reading this can take these cautionary tales to heart and feel not only comforted if they've been in similar situations but also empowered to put their safety first.
@Heather225, thank you so much, H. This means a lot to me, and I attribute most of my growth to amazing leaders like yourself, Gracey, Evelyne, and Jayson. I appreciate you very much 🌞💙
@Rebekah
This is such a sensible and beautifully written post because as a teen myself I have done some similar things😄 and Its so lovely and reflective of you to think and to reflect on yourself and to be so honest. Its so understandable that its a difficult post to make but your honesty shines through you and your hard work is amazing💜 the fact that your a safety leader on here now shows just how much you have grown! thank you for making such an informative and supportive post!
Bunny
@amiableBunny4016, aw, bunny! Your comment here has really touched my heart. Thank you for being so lovely and for your kind words. I appreciate you 🌞💙
This is something that no child should have to endure, not even an adult.
I am thankful that you've decided to share your experience with us,
even though I know that it must have taken a whole lot of courage
to share this with us and that can't have been easy.
Thank you, I appreciate you!
I do hope that this will make persons who are partaking in offsite contact
a new view of their situation and what dangers it possesses.
Being safe on the internet is so very important.
💙 Stay on site, stay safe everyone 💙
✨💙✨
✨
@AnnaSilverberg, thank you so much for your lovely comment! I like your last point a lot, about staying onsite and staying safe. It's a good message and I hope that users (teens and adults alike) heed it! Thank you again, Anna 🌞💙
@Rebekah Thanks so much for being vulnerable and sharing this!
There's an awareness campaign going on here to help kids and teens stay safe online as well as what to do AFTER any information including pictures have been shared. I think that's sooo important as people who do care aren't here to berate teens for being impulsive, they want to help!
I was also very surprised by the stats about boys - not sure if this is recent or if it's been this way a long time, perhaps shame is greater. 86% of sextortion cases targeted males according to a report.
Just a heads up, words are used that tend to get caught in censors, it's not all G-rated!
@AffyAvo, thank you so much for sharing this resource! I'm going to edit the main post and put it in there. I'll put a warning for PEGI 12! Thank you again for your kind words and for this really great resource 🌞💙
Someone in tcr ask me date them but I tell them they are stranger not allow date on cups is against rules ! Did not like they ask that 🥲🥲
@theboymoana, oh no! :O I'm sure that was a very uncomfortable situation. I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced this D: I'm proud of you for saying no! Would you feel comfortable with me sending a message to you about this? 💙
@Rebekah thanks being proud of me 🥲🥲I don’t like anyone say things like that to me get really anxious 😕 yes message is ok !
@Rebekah ... All I can say that it's brave and powerful to open up about such an issue. I mean, admitting that these actions were wrong and that there was a presenting issue, being that accepting of ones self of it's mistakes and reflecting on them, moreover, raising awareness about offsite contact through personal experiences that I understand how it wasn't that easy to expose that part of you, and share your progress and growth... that's just amazing and truly inspiring. You don't know how much you speaking up like that and right now have a great impact on me as a listener and on 7Cups community in general. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Rebekah, you're wonderful.🤍
@Dystopiatae95, thank you so much for your lovely words, Tae -- I'm so happy to hear you feel that this post has made an impact on you as a listener and the community. I truly appreciate you saying this 🌞💙
@Rebekah
Hello! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, I know it's difficult sometimes when we have to admit mistakes, and yes, even people who have been here for years will feel almost immune to the rules because we're "experienced" but at the end of the day, everyone needs to be safe.
I too have been a victim of a domestic abuse relationship because I had met up in person with a fellow listener who I ended up having feelings for and I was trapped in that relationship for a few years before I escaped. It was one of the most scariest situations I've found myself in. The important thing to remember is to make sure you're being safe, not just on 7Cups but on the internet. Remind yourself that everyone here is a bunch of pixels but you don't know who is behind the pixels.
@TheLemonade, oh, Lemonade D: I am so sorry you experienced this. I'm proud of you for sharing this with us. It can't have been easy to talk about it. I hope you have healed and that you're doing a lot better. Thank you for your inspiring words! 💙
@Rebekah thanks for sharing how you turned things around and for the tips on how to avoid off site contact accidentally.
@soulsings, thank you!