Idk I need an unbiased opinion/rant
So idk where to start, this is mainly a rant because I don’t feel like I can talk with anyone about it lol. I think I may be developing (or still have) feelings for my ex, but it’s a little more complicated than that. When we broke up we spent like a month maybe not really talking even tho we broke up on good terms because we both had shitty mental health and it was affecting the others mental health, then after that time I had some things I was upset with and we talked about it and he apologised for offending me and stuff yk, and then we became friends with benefits. So the benefit thing isn’t just sexual there’s also a lot of like emotional stuff too like calling and sleeping on call because the other would like to talk (he likes when I talk until he sleeps) and yk stuff like that. We still support each other a lot emotionally and in many ways we do a lot of stuff like we did in out relationship but it’s somehow less toxic and a lot nicer. Our relationship ended up being toxic because we kinda miscommunicated a lot of it probably being due to the fact that I had undiagnosed autism and that he’s most likely also on the spectrum, and well I think we were both just tired but he was afraid telling me he felt shitty would make me worry (I already worried because o could tell something was off but not what and I felt like I wasn’t helping him and stuff) which didn’t help either of us and it’s low-key most of our issues. Now when we talked about stuff that had upset me I mentioned he for some reason started disliking my friend, which I thought was off, and he told me they had been flirting with me in front of him and it made him jealous and uncomfortable, and I was a little confused because well I don’t notice when people flirt I just pass it off as a social thing I haven’t taught myself yet and I told him I wished he’d told me so I could tell them off. I confronted my friend with this and they told me that yeah they had kinda flirted with me but they would’ve never tried to steal me from my ex because they had been cheated on before, which idk it’s a weird reasoning to me, and then they told me that they didn’t like how my ex didn’t like them because of the flirting and that he should just admit to being insecure (which he did) and I feel like my friend might have had a slight crush on me(???) because now they take my phone whenever they see me texting him and they don’t let me talk about him or mention him at all, which honestly seems off and is why I haven’t told them any of this. Anyway whenever I’m around my ex he says so many nice things to me like: “you’re precious to me” “thank you for making me feel like I’m worth something” “you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and you make me happy” and the thing is all of this makes my stomach get all like I guess butterflies or like idk I just want to scream and do happy hands lol, and we kinda often tell each other that we like the other person and are happy they’re our friend, but I really want to tell him I love him. And the thing is I know I can’t, neither of us are ready for a new relationship and I’m honestly happy being friends with benefits because I enjoy the attention and feeling safe and honestly also loved, but I’m not mentally healed enough (during our relationship a lot of fucked up shit happened with my family and my mental health declined along with my shitty childhoood because of abuse and undiagnosed autism/adhd) for a relationship and neither is he (he said it himself, because one of his friends hit on him and he turned her down). Even tho I’ve accepted things the way they are and that I honestly like it, I sometimes just want to cry and tell him I love him, but I think that’s normal. Maybe we shouldn’t be friends with benefits and maybe we should both move on and such, but I guess we both helped the other thru a lot of things and that we just need someone to help us, who knows what we need. I’m not sure it’ll be healthy in the long run but idk, I guess I’m asking for an unbiased opinion.
sorry if the grammar is bad my thoughts were racing
@adaptablePenguin4371
Hello,
I think it's great that you are able to recognize that you are not ready for a relationship. However, I can see how remaining close to him can cause you to start developing feelings again. I think it's something you need to reflect on and see how you feel about. You know yourself more than us. <3 What if things remain the same as how they are now? 💛💫
I don’t think I’d mind if they remain the same because I enjoy it and I’m pretty sure he does too. So it feels like the right thing, but sometimes I get second thoughts because my friend said I was waisting my life on someone unavailable to me, but I don’t feel like I’m waisting anything, like I know that there’s no commitment and so and I know it won’t last forever but I enjoy it rn so I don’t think it’s as hurtful as my friend claims
@adaptablePenguin4371
You’re a very emotional person, but you’re honest and pure hearted. Someone like you needs to live a life of integrity - you like to know where you stand and you don’t like deception in people.
So in this situation you feel conflicted because it is obvious to me that you still love your [ex]-boyfriend. Officially you are ‘separated’ but at the same time you both behave like you’re still in a relationship, and in many ways your ‘relationship’/connection with each other has actually improved after dissolving the official relationship. Nonetheless, you feel like you’re in a torturous limbo between places and emotional states that you described (Between knowing that your actual relationship with him previously was problematic and difficult; while knowing emotionally that you are very attached to him and still want to love and be with him).
When you broke up with him, I think there was clarity in that. You both decided that it wasn’t working, so you split. Clarity, [even in a break-up] is good. The break up alleviated some of the expectations that come with relationships. It’s an effort to try to work together constantly, draining sometimes (you said you both got tired) and can create a lot of pressure which can become so much to deal with when you’re both already struggling with mental health issues.
Then, when you became intimately involved with him in your FWB situation it introduced ambiguity in your ‘relationship’ with him. Because now you’re both emotionally and intimately still engaged with each other, but without obligation. Other girls approach him, and he rejects them, but what if he didn’t? Would that hurt you? Would you feel betrayed? Or is he allowed to say yes to other girls because you both are broken up already?
I think this ambiguity of the situation and the internal conflict of your ‘status’ with him (not being exclusive in an official relationship; while acting very much like you are both still a couple) causes you distress because you are a person of integrity. For you being in a relationship had clarity. Breaking up had clarity. But now you’re neither here nor there, and kind of in both places at once, which doesn’t sit well with you.
I think you need to talk about your feelings with him, and work through things together so that you can feel more secure in the direction that the situation is evolving. Maybe you need to commit to the consequences of any course of action - I.e if breaking up, you accept that he might move on at some point; if not that then accept your feelings for him and try a relationship again; or if not that accept that things are ‘complicated’ right now but you’re both trying your best to love and respect each other no matter what happens in the uncertain future!
This is just what I think. Wishing you every happiness, whatever should happen!
CatsInTheCradle
@CatzInTheCradle
youre right about pretty much all of it, in order to handle the uncertainty of acting like we’re in a relationship but without the commitment I tell myself that he could gain interest in another girl or simply loose interest for me anytime (even tho it’s a little pessimistic) to I guess remind myself that there’s no commitment and he could move on and such, I’ve considered telling him I love him and he honestly signals that he loves me too, I’m just slightly worried I’m reading his signals wrong since that’s what I do sometimes (even tho I’ve known him for a while) because of my autism. But even if he loves me back then I’m not ready for a relationship so I think that maybe I’ll just try to accept things the way they are and do my best to take it from there because I do enjoy things the way they are right now
thank you for your response 💛