Just found out my boyfriend of 7 months is a serial cheater
My hearts broken, I feel betrayed, I feel like a complete moron for not seeing that this was happening but I love him so much that Im willing to forgive him. He says he needs help figuring out whats going on with him and he is going to find a therapist to fix himself. I know he cares about me and hes sorry for what hes done. I feel like if he cared enough to tell me the truth about everything that maybe this is fixable. I just found out yesterday and I havent been able to eat, or stop crying. I feel worthless and as upset as I am for what hes done I still love him and want him in my life. We decided this morning to take a break while he tries to get some help for whatever is going on with him mentally, watching him walk out the door with his bag ripped my heart out. I keep asking myself why me, I give love away so easily and I love deep Im so loyal and caring and he swears its not me, and anything that Im doing or not doing, he admits that i do a lot for him and he knows I love him. He says Im everything hes ever wanted in a woman but theres this compulsion to chase other woman, he says he enjoys the chase. I just hope this is fixable because the pain Im feeling now for being betrayed is nothing compared to the pain I felt when he left, and if I never see him again I feel like I cant survive this.
@Tt1024 I'm so sorry you're going through that. It sounds like he may have even done you a favor by leaving. If you are really what he wants in a partner then why continue to cheat? What is it about this relationship that feels he needs to find elsewhere (other than the chase)? Who knows? He may not even know himself.
It may be best for you to decide whether you want to remain in this relationship and wait or not. I had a friend who went through something somewhat similar, except the guy just kept breaking up with her. There was no one else and it wasn't a fidelity issue, he just wasn't ready emotionally or otherwise for the type of relationship she wanted. Some people are fine with being on/off again and maybe they don't mind/care that their partner cheats but you do and there's nothing wrong with that.
My friend just remained in this continous cycle but refused to end the relationship because she was too scared to be alone (and wouldn't admit that she was "wrong" in sticking with him, thinking it would be all worth it when he finally matured to be the ideal partner *she* wanted). She wasn't actually ready for what she wanted and that is perhaps something you may want to consider for yourself. Only you know, of course, but this may be an opportunity for you to look at yourself and where you're going personally, professionally, etc.
I wish you the best of luck.
@Tt1024
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things i would like to point out;
My hearts broken, I feel betrayed, I feel like a complete moron for not seeing that this was happening (What he did was really hurtful, but we could never really know these kind of situations are going to happen. You are being very hard on yourself.) but I love him so much that Im willing to forgive him. (Yes you do love him, but you are willing to forgive him because you are afraid of being lonely and losing him. I know you are going through a lot of hurt, but you are going to lose value in his eyes if you forgive this so easily) He says he needs help figuring out whats going on with him and he is going to find a therapist to fix himself. Its good he will do this, but lets see if he is willing to do this) I know he cares about me (He behaved on a very selfish way without thinking how this would hurt you. I think he mostly care about his needs and emptiness getting fulfilled at any cost) and hes sorry for what hes done. I feel like if he cared enough to tell me the truth about everything that maybe this is fixable. (He doesn't have integrity, so more than likely he would have done this to you again. He has to completely heal from the past in order to be in a healthy relationship, if not he will end up hurting others.) I just found out yesterday and I havent been able to eat, or stop crying. (You are feeling tremendous anxiety, so it releases certain chemicals that gives you less desire to eat or do things. You didn't deserve to go through this, its important to let those tears to let things out). I feel worthless (This is how you felt growing up, so what he did its triggering your past hurt. Your identify and happiness were dependent of him, so the cheating opened up so many emotions) and as upset as I am for what hes done I still love him and want him in my life. (You want him in your life because the anxiety, hurt and abandonment issues feels so overwhelming that you rather have him in your life than being alone to heal from it) We decided this morning to take a break while he tries to get some help for whatever is going on with him mentally, watching him walk out the door with his bag ripped my heart out. (Its nornal you felt that way) I keep asking myself why me, (The way he cheated has to do with feeling empty, insecurities and unmet needs, so it has nothing to do with you. You could have been a perfect partner and he still would have cheated on you. The cheating is a reflection of who he is as a person) I give love away so easily (This tells me you are very eager to get a connection and feel loved since its something you didn't feel inside. The problem with this is the other person will take you for grantee and it will turn into a one sided relationship. Its important to watch at people actions not so much what they say) and I love deep Im so loyal and caring and he swears its not me, (the problem is him for being a liar and a cheater) and anything that Im doing or not doing, he admits that i do a lot for him and he knows I love him. He says Im everything hes ever wanted in a woman but theres this compulsion to chase other woman,(He wants to do this to get his needs met, to fill his emptiness and to feel loved) he says he enjoys the chase. I just hope this is fixable (You got to respect and value yourself as well, your ex is a liar and a cheater. You need to put yourself because you wont be able to fully trust him again and will always be fearful if he is with another woman. If you are willing to be with him or wait for him and forgive him so easily then it communicates to him that his behavior is acceptable and then he will see that he doesn't have to work hard to get you back) because the pain Im feeling now for being betrayed is nothing compared to the pain I felt when he left, (Its understandable you feel this way, its tough knowing someone you love did this to you) and if I never see him again I feel like I cant survive this. (At first it will feel like that, but in time you will be fine without him. This is triggering your past abandonment issues, which is why it feels so overwhelming)
@freshLight64 thanks for replying, most of what you said is true I do have trust/abandonment issues from my past marriage, Im recently divorced. He wasnt faithful and I never felt loved by him. We have 3 kids, and I think thats why I held on so long. Then I met my current boyfriend and we were both going thru our divorce I felt like he was there for me in a time that I needed him the most in my life, he built me up, made me feel that love that I didnt have even though hes never told me he loves me he says he cares for me more than he ever did for his ex wife or any other girl. My kids adore him and I feel like if this doesnt work out they will be hurt again(not that thats my main reason for wanting it to work, I learned my lesson on staying with someone for the wrong reasons) I felt like he was really sincerely sorry and being really hard on himself he knows he messed up and he wants to fix his issues. Im proud of him for that. I feel like were both a little broken but maybe together we can get thru this and be a stronger couple because of it. I know I sound weak, and desperate but Ive never felt this way about anyone before not even my ex husband. I feel like there is something I see inside of him thats worth fighting for. But I know Im being hurt in the process, I think Ive gotten so used to the hurt that the possibility of not losing what we have outweighs the fear of hurt I just cant give up on him. Im a fixer by nature, thats just who I am.
I mean if you really love someone wouldn
@Tt1024
thanks for replying, most of what you said is true I do have trust/abandonment issues from my past marriage, (I believe this trust/abandonment issues comes from your childhood, its where things started. Your trust/abandonment issues became worst with experiences such as the ones you went through with the ex husband) Im recently divorced. He wasnt faithful and I never felt loved by him. (Im noticing a pattern here, you are attracted to men who are not faithful because it feels familiar to you, perhaps one of your caregivers wasn't faithful so now you see it as the blueprint for love) We have 3 kids, and I think thats why I held on so long. (I think it wae mainly because you are attracted ti whats familiar, you probably stayed because this is what you saw ae relationships. We usuallu replicate the relationship our caregivers have in an efrort to fix the attachment trauma we experienced). Then I met my current boyfriend and we were both going thru our divorce I felt like he was there for me in a time that I needed him the most in my life, he built me up, (This was more like putting a band aid on a big wound. You started to rely heavily on him to feel loved and accepted) made me feel that love that I didnt have (Your happiness and love shouldn't come mostly from him. You and him were projecting unmet on each other here) even though hes never told me he loves me(you got to pay close attention to this part of the sentence "he never told me he loves me", this tells me you avoided red flags coming from him because all you wanted was someone to be next to you and hold you. This tells me he didn't feel this emotions of love for you or he kept them inside to not be vulnerable) he says he cares for me more than he ever did for his ex wife or any other girl. (This is a red flag right here, it tells me he didn't properly attached to his ex wife or any other girl, so he couldn't do the same for you. One of the reasons he cheats is because he gets fearful of the furure and can't handle closeness, so theres a chance he probably cheated on his ex as well) My kids adore him and I feel like if this doesnt work out they will be hurt again (Does a man who lies and cheats a good role model for your kids? Ill let you think about that answer. This is one of the reasons you are looking to stay with him). (not that thats my main reason for wanting it to work, I learned my lesson on staying with someone for the wrong reasons) I felt like he was really sincerely sorry and being really hard on himself he knows he messed up and he wants to fix his issues. (He knows he always had this problem and enter relationships or flings knowing this...) Im proud of him for that. (Im not proud of this because his issues, insecurities and cheating are causing you to feel immense hurt and pain) I feel like were both a little broken but maybe together we can get thru this and be a stronger couple because of it. (Things dont work that way, you two were together and looked what happened? He sabotaged and ruined the relationship you two have. Who's to say he wont do this again?) I know I sound weak, and desperate but Ive never felt this way about anyone before not even my ex husband. (This is because unconsciously you are looking to fix the attachment issue you went growing up. You are attracted to men who are not faithful because it feels familiar to you so you are more than likely to put up with this behaviors and stay with them for long period of time) I feel like there is something I see inside of him thats worth fighting for. (You are behaving here as if you are the one who screw up, when he was the one who screw up big time. He should be the one fighting for you...He should be the one trying to earn you back...He should be the one wanting to work on things...not you.) But I know Im being hurt in the process, I think Ive gotten so used to the hurt that the possibility of not losing what we have outweighs the fear of hurt I just cant give up on him. (The more you "attempt" to get him back the more it will tell him "Okay cheat on me again, no matter what ill stay with you", and then he will not see the value in you) Im a fixer by nature, thats just who I am. (The "fixer" attitude should come forward when you did something wrong, but he is the one who screwed up. He is the one that needs to fix everything)
I mean if you really love someone wouldnt you do anything to help them if they admit they have a problem? (Theres something important you have to learn about love. Part of love has to do with loving and respecting yourself as a person because no one will do this for you if you don't do this. Cheating is something that's very high when it comes to screwing up in a relationship, its not the same as yelling, saying bad things or lashing out. You are trying to look for any reason possible to justify his behavior, then trying to convince yourself that is okay to be with someone like that) I told him I would help him thru this if its something he truly wants to change.(You cannot help him, only a professional help can, but even so it will take a very very long time to heal and often he will relapse. You are trying to hold onto to him by any means, this will not make him want to be with you because it will tell him you cant be fine on your own) I do also suffer from anxiety/depression Im medicated but I hate how it makes me feel so Ill go weeks without taking it. (You are not taking care of yourself herr, going on and off the medicine like that will make tje symptoms of anxiety/depression get even worst) The anxiety Im feeling from all of this and the break were taking has me a wreck, the numb ness in my hands and heart palpitations, nausea etc is driving me crazy I dont know how to let it go. (This is how its going to feel in the beginning because you are on the hurt phase, in due time you will be fine. It takes time to heal from a breakup, but you mostly want him back to soothe your anxiety and loneliness, so essentially it will be like using him).
@freshLight64 honestly Im not sure where my issues stemmed from, I cant say it was from my childhood because my parents are still together. I dont know how to heal from feeling like everything was perfect one moment then completely flipped upside down the next I just cant wrap my mind around it. I feel like if this relationship doesnt work Ill really be messed up for the next one, because he did such a good job at making me feel like I was his one and only how will I ever trust another man again. I am scared to be alone, I hate being alone but Im also scared to be hurt again. I dont guard my heart no matter how many times Ive been hurt Which is why I continue to get hurt over and over again.
If its just sex, than you need to decide whether you are ok with that and let him know. He is who he is. You are who you are.
I have known women who date very attractive men, then are shocked when he has casual sex with other women.
Date ugly men, and you won't have this problem. I'm not joking. Women are very shallow.
@CantStepOut he is very attractive, but I also feel like he has issues with low self esteem, he portrays this big confident man that works out and takes care of him self but i believe hes not as confident as he comes off. I do think hes afraid to get close to someone and so he cheats, I feel like he probably does it as an ego boost to make himself feel better like he knows he can get any woman he wants. I tell him everyday I think hes amazing, and sexy and Im very attracted to him so I build up his confidence daily. But its not enough on the other hand my ex husband was not very attractive and he still was unfaithful
@CantStepOut oh dear! I firmly disagree! To base loyalty on attractiveness?! Come on!! So we should just all expect anyone that's not completely unfortunate-looking to be a terrible person? That's so horrible. And in my experience, I spent my teenage years dating really unattractive men, because I wasn't as shallow as my teenage peers. Oddly enough every one of those unattractive BFs were not only cheaters but also emotionally (and one even physically) abusive. I STILL suffer from PTSD from those years. And the funniest part is, in my 20s, I met wonderful and very attractive men who adored and respected me. The breakups were NEVER related to cheating. That just feels like another lifetime ago. Now, none of this is to say that all "unattractive" men are abusive or cheaters either. I'm just saying my experience was VERY different to what you're saying. A cheater doesn't cheat because he's attractive. A cheater cheats because of a number of reasons. Either he is a narcissist, has unresolved issues from youth/upbringing (maybe a parent was a cheater?), or sex means something very different to him than it does to his partner and/or just can't help himself...in which case he should really just look for open relationships so he can live a peaceful and fulfilling life.
And you, OP, should NOT have to deal with any of those issues!! I 100% why you still love him despite this and I know telling you that you deserve better does little. Believe me, I know. But you need to communicate all of this to him and ask yourself if you could ever trust him again and if he is even capable of never doing this again. Any time you hit a rough patch (and if you plan to stick it out for the long run, there will be rough patches of life stresses to handle!) you will wonder if he's cheating. You need to ask yourself if you want to feel those things for the rest of your life. Or if you'd be open to having an open relationship (if that's the case, you REALLY need to ask yourself if you're really open to that or if it would just be to please him. I'd suggest getting some other dudes for yourself if you're even considering that as an option. I know I couldn't, but I do have friends who went that route because they're both cheaters and just don't see sex as a component of love. They found a happy solution. To each his/her own!) In the meantime, take good care of yourself and try your best to remind yourself that none of this means you're unlovable or not worthy of loyalty. Best of luck, to you! *hugs* :(
It seems to me that you are setting yourself up over and over. Men are pigs, but pigs can make good pets. We also have the ability to understand that our partner may engage in sex with another person for various reasons. Some of them may be acceptable, some may not. Let me know if you object more to the physical act or the emotional (jealousy) more. If you had to pick one.
@CantStepOut hmmm thats a good question. Idk I guess. I dont like the thought of him having sex with other women. It makes me feel like Im not good enough so hes looking to get something from someone else. But we actually have an awesome sex life, hes not lacking in sex from me. I do feel jealous that hes even paying any attention to other women. When Im in a relationship Im 100% loyal to that person, I dont even think about other men much less talk, flirt and have sex with other men..I dont need to, I have everything I need right in front of me. So I guess I take it personally that he doesnt do the same, makes me feel like its me..something Im doing or not doing or not pretty enough etc. although he assured me that is not the case and actually seemed to get kind of mad when I kept asking him that, he said its nothing youre doing, so stop saying that. He came back last night from taking a break to get a reality check (his words) and he has an appointment with a therapist on Friday. I love him so much, and I feel like Im doing a little better today with the anxiety but it sneaks back up when I sit and think too much. I believe him that he wants to be with me, and that he wants to change, but of course the trust has been broken and theres all these doubt, He says its just sex with them that he doesnt have anything else with them like we have. Which I guess it would hurt more if he did have more of a relationship with them other than physical because
I feel like it would mean we have nothing sacred between us, and it would feel more like the relationship was a lie, because the connection that we have physically and emotionally are strong. Idk. I just feel like the fact that he admitted this whole thing to me, when he didnt have to and the way he Broke down about how bad he feels and how much he doesnt like the person he is have me hope that Im worth changing for. The first day he told me, I said youre never going to do it again are you? And at that time he said I cant promise I wont do it again. But yesterday while talking he said he promises he wont do it again I asked what changed and he said hes had a lot of time to think by himself and he wont do it anymore but he still needs to talk to a therapist. Could he be lying? Idk..thats the question I ask myself now every time he says something to me..but I want to trust him again so badly. I will give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves me wrong again.
I know many will say they understand what you are feeling because something similiar happened to them. But for every heart breaks the feeling is never the same. Being betary by the one you love the most rips you apart and finding the strenght to walk away from such a situation is even harder. he tells you just what you wana hear so that you feel empathy for him, continue trusting and believing in him. However, regardless of all the outter thoughts, i do encourage you to take a day or 2 day without communication with him, this will clear your mind. Then think about your current relationship and decide if its something you really want to keep or let go. :)@Tt1024
@Helping2findAway he actually doesnt tell me what I want to hear, which at first irritates me more cause Im sitting there waiting for the words I want to hear come out of his mouth, but instead he says things that are honest and sometimes hurt more but then I appreciate his honesty like I cant promise I wont do it again I mean if he wanted to keep bullshitting me he could have easily said Ill never do it again baby atleast this way I believe him, because he left me no false hope that he would never do it again. Although after our break we had for 3 days he did say he wouldnt do it again, and he blocked and deleted all the girls phone numbers..I feel like he really does want to change and I appreciate that more than anything, now its just kind of wait and see if he lets me down again type of thing or if I will ever fully trust him again. Its so weird because in the past even with my ex husband I would have never put up with cheating. But he never made me feel wanted or loved anyway so I didnt feel like I was losing anything. With my current boyfriend he makes me feel cared for and wanted and I love everything that we have together, were like best friends and I feel like the loss of that would be hard to handle.
sounds like you really care about him. I do hope everything works out :) @Tt1024
@Helping2findAway I do! Thank you. So far things are going well weve talked so much about everything he went to therapy and will co to us to go 2x a week. The only issue is me trying not to question everything now.
trusting someone who hurts us, is very hard and it takes time.. keep trying and as time goes he shall earn it again @Tt1024
@Tt1024
I'm sorry you are going through this!
Being honest in this, you're better off without him. He has a deep intimacy emotional issue struggling inside of himself.
You don't need a serial cheating boyfriend that puts you in a terrible mood, in pain and feeling awful. He betrayed your trust and honesty.
I know the feeling and too familiar. Don't beat yourself up; start back with self care by being kind and loving with you! Cut him off, don't answer calls, delete pictures of you guys and start healing, get with old friends, hobbies and things that make you happy. Pain is temporary but it boils down to you if you want to continue a relationship with him.
If he says your the right woman for him, ask yourself why does he put you in this emotional torment? Think on this deeply, love is kind patient and beautiful.
Hope this finds you well. :)
Update: he told me last night he cheated again while we were on our break so this morning he packed some of his stuff and left. I feel like deep down inside I know its for the best, but it hurts so fucking bad, I dont know how to recover from this I dont think I can ever trust again.
@Tt1024 I understand comptely how you feel. You'll be okay one day. With time, thing will get better. I know it hurts now, but you must stay strong and move on with the world. I learned awhile ago that everyone hurts you in this life, and it's about who is worth the pain to keep around. My hope is that you find someone great eventually, and you'll get what you want in life. <3 Best wishes.
@Tt1024
Very sorry to hear about this. I hope things work out for the two of you. I am not part of the moral brigade i.e. "once a cheater always a cheater", "kick him to the curb straight away" type of thing. People are messed up, imperfect, weak beings. What I would say is - this type of behavior on his part is usually triggered by something. It's not you he cheated on, he's probably filled a need of someking that was open or an unresolved issue that's still there. It could be that he has low self-confidence and needs constant reassurance and attention by women or needing the excitement of new relationship and the trill. If you can, try to find out what this causing this. If it's not addressed, I can't see how it can be fixed. Even if people are willing to make the effort and promise it won't happen - it's hard, willpower should be the last resort.. Hope I am making sense.. Just my thoughts.. Kat
Oh, I just saw your last post. Really sorry! Stay strong 
@katmar70 thanks, I feel so weak right now. Honestly it feels impossible to get over him maybe because this was the first time in 10 years I felt like someone actually cares about me, I fell in love with him hard probably because everything he said and did was right, he told me all the right things. I felt like this could be forever with us, everything seemed perfect. I think thats why this hurts sooooo badly. I feel like the pain is too much to bear. I wouldnt wish this type of heartbreak on my worst enemy...I just dont know how to survive this when I feel so helpless right now
@Tt1024
So sorry to hear that, I am sure it's really hard. I remember once after a breakup, I felt I couldnt breathe, it was a full blown panic attack, it's like the world had turned into a big black hole. What helped me - little things and tasks I occupied my mind with, litterally forcing yourself to only think about the what you are doing. It's not easy but you can do it. The longer you manage to distruct your mind and divert your thoughts somewhere else, the easier the healing process.
Please, do find some practical tasks and activities you can perform over the coming days. It's corny to say time cures everything but it does help. You just need to make sure you get through the next couple of weeks..
Do post here how you are getting on and remember - millions of people go through this exact thing at this exact moment. And you are not alone.
@katmar70 thank you, I went for a 4 mile walk this morning thinking it would help but as soon as I get home I feel depressed again, I have no motivation to do anything so I sit and think and cry
@Tt1024
I'm so sorry :( I dont know why the people who love us do this to us. If you ever need a chat let me know xxx
