I love him, but keep disappointing him
I love my boyfriend very very much and I'd do anything for him. I know he loves me too. I made myself available for very high expectations that I personally knew I wouldn't be able to fulfill, thinking maybe I might just to make him happy and show my support. It makes me lie to him all the time and he doesn't trust me anymore and he thinks I don't want to help him, yet I'm just not able to even when I want with all of my heart. I've become a compulsive liar and just want it to stop. But I'm scared he might leave me. I don't want him to know that I suffer sometimes just to get by and help him when he needs me
@skydiver12,
" I made myself available for very high expectations that I personally knew I wouldn't be able to fulfill"
A healthy relationship never requires anyone to sell out to meet expecations. You are disappointing yourself, not him. I'd suggest starting with mindfulness, to start loving your true self first, instead of making yourself dependent on others.
He's the one expecting so much from me
@skydiver12,
then put some boundaries down. Love does not equal selling out. If he's really like that, ask yourself what is more important, loving your true self, or permitting yourself to be humiliated and hurt. Deep down you know the answer.
@skydiver12 This sounds rough for you. You are allowed to say no and set boundaries in offering to help someone. It sounds like maybe the strong anxiety around that is leading to unhealthy patterns. It is not easy at all, especially for those of us with trauma and fear of abandonment; we have to trust that setting a boundary will actually help the relationship and you can move through it. You might start with a baby step like simply saying something like "I had a long day at work and need to rest for a while" if he asks for help that you don't feel up to.
@skydiver12 hi, thank you for posting <3
communication is really important in a relationship. specially at a younger age. i can see that you really, really love him and your intentions aren't to hurt him at all. but sometimes we hurt our loved ones more when we only think about what they want and don't set boundaries. you say yourself you set yourself to really high expectations thinking you could do it, but maybe you're asking too much of yourself. maybe this puts you out of your comfort zone repeatedly and that's why it's not working out. you say you don't want him to know that you suffer and i understand that. but it's important for him to know so that he and you can work it out.
it should be you and him against the problem. not you alone. even with intentions as good as yours, the more you hide from your boyfriend, your feelings or thoughts or anything, the worse it will get. no lie stays unrevealed for long. and your boyfriend isn't a mind reader either. he can't always tell what your intentions are. it's said that actions do more than words but in this case, words can do a lot more.
here's a hug, you've got this <3 if you need me, you can pm
Thanks for the hugs and advice @milkoreos. I love him but sometimes it feels as if he manipulates or puts a little pressure on me, I'm bound to say yes to anything even if I have set boundaries for myself.
@skydiver12 yeah :( it can definitely feel difficult to say no when there's so much pressure on you. so start small, take it step by step. do you want to keep me updated?
@milkoreos, would starting small mean I can fulfill the promises I had made the other time? I think he won't really take me back if I don't
@skydiver12,
have a look at this post, about setting boundaries:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/RelationshipFriendshipSupport_66/TheSelfCareLounge_2256/3EasyScriptsforSettingUpBoundariesTheSelfCareLounge_251578/
You really ought to stop selling out. Sit down with him, tell what you expect (your needs, NOT what you want to offer). Let him do the same. Meet in the middle, meaning hold on to your boundaries while giving some layway. Do not sell out. If saying no is that hard for you, and you are afraid to lose someone by not meeting expectations, then you might want to consider professional help, for you. The pattern you describe can be deeply embedded and, if so, it's not gonna be dealt with overnight. Love starts with loving your true self first, unconditional love, being self, here and now.