I can't tell if they're trying to control me.
TW for those that need it
*manipulation* *mentions of intercourse*
Me and my bf have been dating for 5 months, we're both in college and he's a couple years older. When I first met him I had a "friend" (ill call him T) and T ended up being extremely possessive and for what others say it seems like he had groomed me into having intercourse. The friendship with T ended on a very toxic note in which I was trying to get away from him but he couldn't handle letting me go and started resorting to alternative methods like intimidation and gaslighting.
My bf helped me see who T really was and me and T cut ties, after a little while I started dating my bf, at first he was sweet would reassure me he was different from T and would go put of his way to make me happy. Then after a while he opened up about his ex's. at first I was happy he was opening up but then every once in a while he would throw out unnecessary comments almost to make me jealous of them and then tell me he is just showing me he trusts me. He's always point out his ex's if we see them and brings them up often.
Around 2 months into our relationship he found out about what T did and confronted me asking if it was ture and I said it was. By now I thought he knew, whenever he brought up my history of people I had intercourse with, he would always say it was 1 above what I told other people so i figured he knew. After finding out he went ballistic saying how I lied to him and how he can't trust me and threatened to break up with me. At the time I thought it was a normal reaction, I explained exactly how everything happened but for some reason he couldn't get over it and began obsessing. We had a big talk about it most of it with him claiming I trust other people and not him as I told other people first. He was indirectly accusing me of cheating because I have a few online guy friends.
after a while i apologised and he would say its okay and that he needed time. After a while it calmed down and he relaxed but he still holds it over my head.
Another thing is he knows I'm bisexual, and he accepts it but since we've been dating he seems to use my sexuality against me, he will try to make me jealous in a very least obvious way by saying a girl is cute or hot or that he likes her body type and instead of lashing out I would agree, every single time I agree it surprises him and he would turn to me and make a remark like "my ex would have gone mad if I'd said that" to which I'd just swipe off the comment but then he would compare me to his ex's usually with praise but sometimes as a warning like "Oh you don't get angry at that my ex always did" or "my ex cheated on me so I can't trust anyone not even you." Then if he didn't get his way with that, if we're having a disagreement about something he would turn to me and say "well then go date my sister" (I'm friends with her and was friends with her before we met). Other times he will just block it out and forget I'm also interested in women. This isn't a big deal but for me it hurts, it's like he's suppressing me in a sort of mixed way.
He also has anger issues and an enormous sense of pride. He physically cannot admit he's in the wrong or even compromise on things.
We had a big talk the other day about how I don't like it when he lashes out on me for such little things and he proceeded to keep saying how I blame him for everything and I get to speak freely but when he has something to say about me I turn it back on him. This I know doesn't happen. Due to how my childhood was I overthink what I say and how it affects people immensely, I make sure to refrain from making him angry or insult him or verbally hurt him. The one time I did explain that he was picking on me for something that wasn't meaningful was because he was getting jealous over my guy friends online. He doesn't have a reason to, I don't hide my phone from him when I message them, sometimes I even tell him about my conversations with them to give me and my bf something to talk about, like jokes they say etc. But even the slightest mention and he suddenly gets a passive aggressive way about him.
I brought the passive aggressiveness up during our talk to and he denied everything, he wouldn't accept the fact that I felt inferior because of the little things he does and instead he started bringing up T even though T has been out of my life for months now. And this is just bits and peaces of events.
Sorry its so long but can anyone tell me if I'm in the wrong, I commonly think my judgement is biased because of what T did. But in also have lots of doubts in this relationship.
P.s. if anyone wants to know more, let me know about which part and I'll tell you, right now this is all that comes to mind.
@Evelyn21 Would you put up with this level of entropy in a platonic friendship? Isn’t an intimate relationship supposed to be more rewarding than a plain friendship? Those are questions I would ask myself in your situation.
Yeah I know your right but I also get along with his family, they treat me like one of their own and between the bad stuff I create good opportunities as much as I can
@Evelyn21 Yeah it’s hard when a relationship comes with a family we are found of. I totally understand.
@Evelyn21,
it seems to me that your boyfriend is very insecure and quite immature, and hides it behind the way he is treating you.
Do you feel loved? Do you feel safe with him? You you feel he accepts you for who you are, treats you with respect? Acknowledges your feelings? Respects your boundaries?
I'm not sure, he accepts me for me yes but he also get angry over the smallest things, if he asks if I'm okay and I say I'm fine but he doesn't believe it he makes me feel bad for not having anything wrong. And when I'm upset as long as its not to do with him then he will support me but if I'm upset with him because of something he gets defensive and says I'm "turning it all back on him when it's not his fault". Boundaries are difficult for me in general but all I know is if i say I don't want him to do something towards me he won't so I think he does respect my boundaries.
The thing I struggle with is whether I feel safe. My childhood was filled with never being able to feel safe and over time I have learnt to feel okay around people but if I make someone angry I go into a panic response and immediately think they will hit me over something small. So me and him don't mix in this area, when he's angry I basically over dramatise it because of the feelings and reactions from when I was a kid.
@Evelyn21,
your feelings are totally valid. You don't make anyone angry, it's others that decide to get angry, it's not your decision.
Did you ever express your feelings? What you are struggling with? What you need and how he can help? And what he feels, needs and how you can help him?
I'm not talking about requirements, that either of you need to change. I'm talking about mutual understanding. To see what each of you can do to improve the relationship, without demanding to other to change.
If it is meant to be, both of you should commit. Hard work. And if it doesn't work out, then at least one of you need to work on self before being ready for a true relationship.
I try to, I try and have talks but any time I tell him how what he does or is doing makes me feel hoping to come to an understanding between our feelings but then he gets defensive and projects himself on me saying I'm being defensive. Then later on I end up doubting my own feelings and I can't tell if I'm doing the same as he is because he says I do. I'm constantly rethinking how I deal with things both before I and after trying to talk and yet each time I think I'm doing the right thing he tells me I'm in the wrong. Then I'm always being told that he's gaslighting me. Which I don't want to believe but even I can see some of the things he says aren't directed at me and more like he's using me to speak about his own attitude.
@Evelyn21,
as for any backlash when putting down boundaries, it's not personal. It's just his inability to read the situation, to feel it, to be aware of himself.
Boundaries are not a weapon. They are a way to protect your own space. Be firm. If he doesn't respect your boundaries then he is not the right person for you.