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Evelyn21
293 M Embraced 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceNovember 5, 2021
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It's my 18th soon, and I just don't care. What do I do?
Depression Support / by Evelyn21
Last post
 July 25th, 2023
...See more For some background, about 3 to 4 years ago I had a huge depressive episode. Something just snapped and I couldn't bear life anymore. Once I'd finally told someone in hopes of help I was just passed around and no one really took me seriously. In the end I pushed it all down but on my best face and carried on like it was all okay, but the reality is I've been so tired, I don't have to motivation for anything, and I'm a people pleaser big time so I can't tell people how I feel without feeling guilty. It's my 18th in a few days, years ago I would have only dreamed of this but over the years each one of my birthdays has just felt more and more exhausting with my 18th being the worst one yet. I've had everyone give me suggestions for it like going clubbing/ a family meal/ a small gathering. But everything just seems so exhausting. And in each one, imagining it, I can just feel the constant lonely tired feeling. I'm afraid to feel it, so I almost want to pretend my birthday isn't going to happen. And yet that itself makes me feel the worst. Knowing that years ago I dreamed of my 18th, being like my big sister and brothers, having an amazing time and yet I'm wasting it because all in all I just can't be bothered. I don't want to feel exhausted. But I'm not sad. I can be happy as ever and even then all I want is to just stop and for everything to disappear, it's become like a game, I'm viewing everything in third person and I'm just waiting for the end while doing what people ask me because at this rate I've done all I want now. How am I supposed to live like this? Or atleast how do I get myself back even a little?
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I can't tell if they're trying to control me.
Relationship Stress / by Evelyn21
Last post
 June 16th, 2023
...See more TW for those that need it *manipulation* *mentions of intercourse* Me and my bf have been dating for 5 months, we're both in college and he's a couple years older. When I first met him I had a "friend" (ill call him T) and T ended up being extremely possessive and for what others say it seems like he had groomed me into having intercourse. The friendship with T ended on a very toxic note in which I was trying to get away from him but he couldn't handle letting me go and started resorting to alternative methods like intimidation and gaslighting. My bf helped me see who T really was and me and T cut ties, after a little while I started dating my bf, at first he was sweet would reassure me he was different from T and would go put of his way to make me happy. Then after a while he opened up about his ex's. at first I was happy he was opening up but then every once in a while he would throw out unnecessary comments almost to make me jealous of them and then tell me he is just showing me he trusts me. He's always point out his ex's if we see them and brings them up often. Around 2 months into our relationship he found out about what T did and confronted me asking if it was ture and I said it was. By now I thought he knew, whenever he brought up my history of people I had intercourse with, he would always say it was 1 above what I told other people so i figured he knew. After finding out he went ballistic saying how I lied to him and how he can't trust me and threatened to break up with me. At the time I thought it was a normal reaction, I explained exactly how everything happened but for some reason he couldn't get over it and began obsessing. We had a big talk about it most of it with him claiming I trust other people and not him as I told other people first. He was indirectly accusing me of cheating because I have a few online guy friends. after a while i apologised and he would say its okay and that he needed time. After a while it calmed down and he relaxed but he still holds it over my head. Another thing is he knows I'm bisexual, and he accepts it but since we've been dating he seems to use my sexuality against me, he will try to make me jealous in a very least obvious way by saying a girl is cute or hot or that he likes her body type and instead of lashing out I would agree, every single time I agree it surprises him and he would turn to me and make a remark like "my ex would have gone mad if I'd said that" to which I'd just swipe off the comment but then he would compare me to his ex's usually with praise but sometimes as a warning like "Oh you don't get angry at that my ex always did" or "my ex cheated on me so I can't trust anyone not even you." Then if he didn't get his way with that, if we're having a disagreement about something he would turn to me and say "well then go date my sister" (I'm friends with her and was friends with her before we met). Other times he will just block it out and forget I'm also interested in women. This isn't a big deal but for me it hurts, it's like he's suppressing me in a sort of mixed way. He also has anger issues and an enormous sense of pride. He physically cannot admit he's in the wrong or even compromise on things. We had a big talk the other day about how I don't like it when he lashes out on me for such little things and he proceeded to keep saying how I blame him for everything and I get to speak freely but when he has something to say about me I turn it back on him. This I know doesn't happen. Due to how my childhood was I overthink what I say and how it affects people immensely, I make sure to refrain from making him angry or insult him or verbally hurt him. The one time I did explain that he was picking on me for something that wasn't meaningful was because he was getting jealous over my guy friends online. He doesn't have a reason to, I don't hide my phone from him when I message them, sometimes I even tell him about my conversations with them to give me and my bf something to talk about, like jokes they say etc. But even the slightest mention and he suddenly gets a passive aggressive way about him. I brought the passive aggressiveness up during our talk to and he denied everything, he wouldn't accept the fact that I felt inferior because of the little things he does and instead he started bringing up T even though T has been out of my life for months now. And this is just bits and peaces of events. Sorry its so long but can anyone tell me if I'm in the wrong, I commonly think my judgement is biased because of what T did. But in also have lots of doubts in this relationship. P.s. if anyone wants to know more, let me know about which part and I'll tell you, right now this is all that comes to mind.
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