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Helping Exes Through Mental Illness - Helpful or Harmful?
Rycbar February 22nd, 2016
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My first serious relationship was with my best friend. We could always talk about everything. It may have been an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, but it was love to us. Flash forward several months when it comes to light that his mental illness escalated, and he ended up in legal trouble.

I stuck it out with him as long as I could through the legal/financial stress until he started to turn on me, and while going through an episode would make me feel worthless so I would leave him and "be with someone I deserved". It got to the point where I had to leave the relationship for my own mental well-being.

The break-up was months long, and included instances of harassement in which I felt guilty for leaving him at his lowest, so I let him get his hateful feelings out. It impacted my mental health and as a result my job and career.

For 5 months we've talked on and off again (a year after the break up at this point), and considered each other our safety nets. Worst comes to worse, we know how to help each other through the anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts.

I got a text last night from him, knowing he'd only text if he was in a bad place. Instead of saying he was having a panic attack, he decided to tell me he never got over me, he misses me, and that I'm the only person in his life that he really has. That he really hasn't been getting better at all, and that he's just as bad as he was when we broke up. And I was the only person who he could tell. It was really tough to hear, because it brought me back to feeling ... I hate this word... burdened. I felt like I had to hold him up again. It brought back feelings of massive guilt from leaving in the first place. Then I felt guilty about thinking talking to him would help him. How I should have just refused to talk to him like typical exes do.

Is continuing to talk to him knowing it always ends in him still wanting me back helping him or hurting him in the long run? And should I even be worrying about him if it takes a toll on my mental health everytime this gets brought up again? Should I really be callous and cut him loose like friends suggest? Or should I be the caring, doting friend I am and help him through it anyway.

Usually, it would be a no-brainer, but my loved ones keep telling me how much it takes out of me to be there for him. They really think I need to put myself first, but I can't; I just feel like his troubles take up my life and my thoughts and I can't focus on anything else because I'm worried about him.

What's the right thing to do?

3
Makail February 22nd, 2016
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@Rycbar I can't give you an answer to this question because I'm in the same only I'm the boyfriend who is causing the girlfriend to be in the same situation as you are. I'd like to know what you would suggest I do to make things easier for the girl I love. She feels burdened but still loves me back but I was too much for her so she left to better herself. My problem is even though I know I hurt her and want her to be happy I don't want to let go. It's too hard. She was my first love. We grew together and even lost our virginity to eachother and I just feel lost. And advice would be wonderful.

Wealllearn February 23rd, 2016
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@Makail hey would love to talk I'm in the same situation I'm the boyfriend in this case :( she was my lifeline and it sucks that I burdened her with so much of my depression and after a depression episode she took my distancing form her as a way of me "breaking up" with her.

Rycbar OP February 25th, 2016
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@Makail I'm sorry you're going through this as well. This situation is difficult for everybody, navigating an intense relationship through the trials of mental illness. As for advice, I can only speak to my own experience. Before we had broken up, whenever I began to feel burdened, I asked to set boundaries so I could focus on work when I had to. The best times were when those boundaries were respected. She still loves you as I still loved my boyfriend at the time. In my case, that love became dangerous only because I no longer had any control; my boundaries stopped being respected, and his struggle ended up taking over my whole life.

The reason I began breaking up with my then boyfriend was because during an episode, he would decide what was best for me. He stopped respecting me as a willing participant in his struggle (which I was at the time). He took control away from me, and decided the relationship was no longer good for me. That was when he would become verbally abusive, would say the cruelest things he knew I couldn't handle hearing in order to push me away. He thought he was helping me, but really he was tearing me down to nothing.

It was him no longer communicating, going rogue, and deciding for both of us that the best thing for "us" would be to cut me down until I no longer had a choice but to end it.

So the best thing I can suggest, is communicate openly and HONESTLY about what you're struggling with. Give your partner all of the information, respect their right to know the things that impact your life. Respect her boundaries, and stay on the same page. Don't go rogue, talk out thhoughts about your relationship. And by all means, don't become abusive, even for a moment. Really, this is just advice for all relationship, mental illness or not.

I hope this helps somewhat. I wish you two the best. As a couple, this can be worked through, but you need to do it together. And don't be afraid to reach out for support services; they're there for a reason.

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