Don't Think I'll Ever Know The Truth-Not Sure How To Cope

@GhostGirl44

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I've shared some of my situation with a few listeners and when replying on another thread but wanted to share my story here. I don't know if there is anyone who can relate to my unique situation. I don't want to share all the details here, but will give a general summary. I am a 40 y/o woman who has never dated or socialized with guys, (except for on a site where you play games). (I can see how this must had been nervewrecking for you, specially when certain fears were triggered) I have a lot of insecurities and never wanted to put myself out there. (This can definetly be tough to handle specially when they are things on the unconcious that were stored there and then it came out in triggers) I was teased as a kid about my weight so that probably has something to do with it. (Bulying can be one of the most damaging things someone can experience, so it definetly impacted the way you see yourself) I am pretty much a loner, I don't have any friends. But have to say that I am meeting some pretty nice people here. :)

Last year I met a guy online on a site called Pogo (its a place where people play different games such as cribbage, dominoes, Scrabble, ect.). He said all the right things and made me feel comfortable. I shared all my insecurities and flaws with him and he didn't seem to mind, (I can understand the need to connect with someone, and how this person coming a lot made you feel comfortable in sharing things, but this is a projection of unmet needs and wanting to have a connection very fast by sharing things) he said he liked my honesty and the fact that I didn't hide who I was. I fell for him pretty quickly (2 weeks after meeting him I told him I loved him, with him saying it before me). (I do see why you and him would feel this, it definetly must had felt like love for the both of you, but you were both projecting unmet needs on each other. They are things you two didn't receive growing up (Such as Connection, Love, needs being met, being seen, heard and other things), so you both became starve of this and then you projected them on each other) Now I know anyone reading this will probably see me as incredibly gullible and naive and I would have to agree with you.(I wouldn't say any of this. I feel like its common to confused love with this overwhelming need to connect for people who grew up in traumatic background) I never met him. We live on opposite sides of the country. He only shared 1 picture of himself with me, and it was one where he wasn't even looking at the camera (kind of a side view), so I never had the chance to look into his eyes. I was foolish and gave him a lot of trust. (I don't think you were foolish, its just hard to do anything else when you didn't receive good examples growing up (its not your fault). I will confess that i did something similar as well, but the important thing is that theres a lesson to be learned here) Any time that I asked for another pic where I could see his eyes, or to be able to talk to him on camera so I could officially meet him, it was met with different answers. He would say soon, or that he was unable to, (This are excuses) that he was shy, and most recently he had said he didn't want to talk on camera because it was like I was trying to force or guilt him into it. (He is projecting here, there's no way you could have made him feel that way) That is not something I had wanted to do. I had wanted him to do it because he loves me and HE wanted to, but it never happened.

I wanted to believe he loved me. I wanted to believe that there was actually someone out there who could love me for me with all my flaws.(I feel like we all deep down want this, it's normal, but in situation like this it feels like you need the love of others on order for you to love yourself as you are. This is definetly looking for external validation and love) In fact, one reason I fell for him is he said I deserved to be loved and to experience love. What I am struggling with right now is I may never know if he really loved me. (I feel it was too soon to fall in love and you two didnt met or talk in video chat, so love isn't formed this way) It will be 3 weeks tomorrow since we last communicated, though a few days after we last texted he called my phone but I never got to talk to him (have no idea what that was about). (it's understandable why you are worried since it has been a long time since you two have talked) The longest he had gone without contacting me was about a week. He's very busy and I get that, just seems like such a long time. We mainly talked by texting or Facebook messenger, my only ways to contact him. Anytime I called him I would leave a voicemail, he never answered his phone. I just want to add here that I have heard his voice, we had a few conversations through FB messenger where I could hear his voice, and there were times he would leave voice messages on there. There were so many times I had wanted to have conversations with him on the phone, more meaningful ones, and I never got that chance. He has not been on FB. And with that I worry something has happened to him, but then I think maybe that account didn't mean anything to him (fake) and he left it behind so he never has to deal with me again. (We don't know why he has not login, but i can see you often blame yourself if something bad happens with the other person or if they leave. I can understand your worries, but theres a chance it has to do more with him than you)

I just don't know what happened, and am struggling with the fact I may never know. (I can see why it can be tough, not knowing must really feel scary, and then the worries increases as time passes by) I don't know if he is hurt or worse, I don't know if he is just super busy or is having phone issues (This is a normal concern, the longest before 3 weeks was 1 week, and now he just completly disappeared without any explanation. I would have felt the same way as well) (had told me he was before) or if he never had feelings for me at all and decided to move on, if he lied about who he is (Anybody seen the MTV show Catfish?) My emotions have been all over the place and sometimes I just feel numb. (This must feel like a painful and hurtful experience because you really connected with this person, it was the first person you felt it accepeted for who you are, and now this is person disappeared while you feel so many emotions) What if he did love me and something happened, or I made him so miserable that he did something to himself? (I understand you feel a lot of emotions at the moment, but from what i read I didn't see you made him feel that way) What if this was all a lie? (We don't know yet if it was a lie, we only know he has not contacted you) I get angry because I trusted him and he knew I was scared of getting hurt, (I understand, it probably took you courage to trust him because of the fear of getting hurt, and now it makes you angry to have trusted him. It's definetly not okay of him to disappeared like this, it made you feel a lot of hurt) especially having never been in a relationship before and the thought that he knew that and possibly lied to me knowing that I would eventually be hurt when he left makes me so angry. Then those emotions turn to guilt thiking maybe he does/did love me but something happened to him. I just don't know!! And I feel so bad because right now I don't know what I am feeling towards him, I don't know what the right emotions to have are because I don't have a clue what's going on!! (For me it's very hard to put it into words, but this exactly how i felt years ago after someone online disappeared. It's painful and hurtful because you formed something good with this person, and the moment he left is where it triggered this intense physical and emotional pain. I do think how you feel has to do more with the connection you had with your parents and past trauma events coming from the past to the present, than the guy disappearing) I feel a disconnect from him and with that I feel like I am betraying him and hurting him, it's only been 3 weeks. I'm questioning what we really had, if anything. I feel by sharing my fears and thoughts with others its a betrayal to him because maybe it is as simple as he is busy and everything is fine. I just don't know!! And I am having a hard time with the fact that I fell in love, (and now I am even questioning that) (I do see why you would call i love when it comes to him, but it feels like it wasn't love because you two didn't meet or do any video chat. People can be different in person and online, which is why love forms in person. I do feel you both projected a fantasy on each other, and things started intense way too fast) something so many people get to experience, and I didn't experince it fully with him. The very basic things that a couple can share: looking into each other's eyes, holding hands, feeling his arms around me, I never got that and it breaks my heart. (It's understandable you feel this way, it does hurt, specially when you two got along well. This is one of the most hurtful things to go through when it comes to long distance relationships) Even the most basic thing of seeing him and talking to him I never got. Then I think maybe I deserve this broken heart for being so foolish. (You are not foolish at all, its just unfortunate that people can leave like this without any explanation. No one deserves to go through this pain, you did what you thought was right at the moment)